Please friends, I need your help!!! It's Danimal....

[Bounder]

Hmmm, yeah I agree with DN and Ray Kay. I had that problem with a girl I was interested in a few weeks ago. Was coming out of my break up, probably not ready anyways, but this girl was super nice, met at a party (we used to work together). We ended up hooking up, but I didnt take her home or anything. It got awkward afterwards because I really just wanted someone to hang out with, fill the gap my ex left, and think I may have come on strong. So, I cut back, wrote her an e-mail for trying too hard and said I just wanted some new things in my life, no expectations, but I enjoyed her company.

 

She thanked me for my honesty and we went our for tea. I dont think it will go anywhere furher beyona few more tea dates, but thats ok. Its something new and thats enough for me.

 

Coming on strong does seem to be aturn off

[danimal77]

You see, that's the thing...I did not have such intensity with the other girls I have been dating. This one is not the first girl I have dated since my ex and take into account, my ex and I were on and off for the longest times and at the end, our break ups lasted 1-2 months at a time, so the emotional detachment aspect had already taken effect long ago my friends.

 

When I was dating these other girls recently, I felt nothing at all and felt no need to want to pursue it any further. I question whether this is what this girl feels with me and may not be strong enough to tell me so without fearing she will hurt my feelings, or if she really does like me, but my intensity is scaring the "beep" out of her....

 

I can't figure out why she wants to continue to see me. I know she is testing my actions/reactions while with her, but where does the term "platonic buddy" fit into all of this????

 

I do have a question for YOU ALL: When should I place a call to her next to say hi? Should I wait a few days, seeing she is with her Dad and such??? It's not like I am goint to be seeing her before the 10 days are up anyways....Ironically, my Dad is coming to town when hers leaves. My sister is giving birth at that point.....

 

Danimal

[shockeddismayed]

Another bashing from the TMAN......

 

So, I just solidified plans with another girl I've been working for a couple of weeks now. I'm seeing that one tomorrow night!

I was such in a good mood from having spoken to this other girl, that it gave me the confidence to call up the one from tonight and ask her if she wants me to bring some Vodka and Orange Juice in addition to the beer.

 

Dude I almost choked on my KFC when I read this.

I don't get you sometimes Dan.

When you did not have the first girl where you wanted her u freaked out and obsessed. Now that things are going well and under control you go after another women.

Writing things like that will not do you any favours with the girls here. Think of it this way round how would you feel if a girl that was after you, after finally getting you gained confidence from it and went after another guy??? hmmmm

 

Do you think you have a control issue? Are you actually after relationships or prizes to show yourself that you can win against women. I think the ex/s and your past is having a serious effect on your outlook on life.

Sorry to put a downer on things but I just thought I should point this out again for your benefit. I am not saying it is totally wrong but does it not show you how you blow some things out of proportion and focus too much on one thing when you could actually relax and are in a position many would be envious of.

i dunno, maybe I am wrong....

 

Ok... so I've just gotten caught up... and I think that Tman is onto something here... but what I see is this:

 

Dan, you seem to be the type of person who gathers energy from other people... there is no shame in that, but you need to recognize it and control it a little bit better. At times we all do this, but it seems to be something that causes you trouble.

 

When you get energy from someone, you act like an addict... you want more and more. Then if it doesn't work out as you are planning it, you come crashing down HARD.

 

You need to round this off a bit and become a little bit more independent. To quote you, " was such in a good mood from having spoken to this other girl, that it gave me the confidence to call up the one from tonight "

 

It seems like this attitude is leading to your intensity and reactivity because you don't hold onto enough of YOUR OWN energy.

 

Look at the way you reacted with this girl the last time you saw her. You don't understand "take it slow" because you don't have it in your repoirtoire... you are balls out all the time. She gives a little... you up the ante... she gives a little more, you up it again... and you keep doing it until you are passed her comfort zone. Then when she tells you that she's reached beyond what she is ready for, you don't don't show any respect for her feelings... you feel insulted.... everything is a reflection on you and how she feels about you. That's narcissistic dude...

 

Being aloof is attractive because it sometimes indicates the person is strong and independent... able to *share* energy and emotional support without depleting their reserve.

 

At the moment, and this WILL change as you recover... if you let it.... but at the moment you seem so wounded that you can't give away any energy without it immediately being restored by another party.

 

You call her... you need it back

You get the date... you need to confirm it

You get the date confirmed... you are on a roll and have enough to put yourself out there with the second girl

You meet up with girl one and have enough to be charming... she opens up... you keep looking for more

You nuzzle her neck... you need it back

You kiss her... you need it back

When you don't get it, you are in a tailspin.

[danimal77]

S&D,

 

Once again, you have blown me away with your DEAD ON assessment and for some reason I NEVER feel defensive with you. You don't make me feel bad for being me, which I think is very cool..

 

Onto what you just said....Okay, so we know that this is what I do/have been doing...Do you think this girl likes me? Her conflict in regards to not being sure how she feels about me, is stemming from this way that I am projecting myself???

 

Do you have any recommendations for me, so I don't ALWAYS react...Maybe like a coping mechanism...

 

I don't want to f it up with her...She was getting more comfortable with me as the night was progressing, as I saw the transformation in front of my eyes and she even verbalized it and wanted to be closer, HOWEVER, as you mentioned, I upt the ante and she didn't reciprocate and I reacted and reacted and reacted, as I did on Monday/Tuesday.....YET, I saw her again today and it went well, but she is so damn far removed when in my presense now...There is aloof and then there is what she is with me, which feels just plain NOT interested.

 

What do you recommend S&D and everyone else as well?

 

Thanks,

 

Danimal

[DN]

Maybe the reason she is not 'into' you so much today is because she is preoccupied with her father coming to visit. Remember that although she is at or near the top of your agenda right now, you are not always going to be at the top of hers. And if you don't back off a little, you will be off it altogether.

 

I think you would be better to avoid calling until her father has either gone or a day or two before he leaves. Show her that you have self-restraint and respect her need to spend time with family.

[Satin]

Hi Danimal...

 

I will give you a female perspective on this.

Women like a guy who can make them laugh, make them feel beautiful, desirable..etc etc etc. BUT we want that from a guy who we don't think

is out giving those compliments freely to OTHER women too. We like a guy who we feel safe with...who we know would protect us and who has our best interest at heart...but who is not doing all this with some sort of expectations or who will not blow up if they don't get what they "expected".

 

To me it sounds like when you do a certain thing and she does not react accordingly, you throw a tantrum...or blow a gasket...sort of like a child does when he doesn;t get his way. THIS is not attractive, and it is very very manipulative. I am sure she senses this in you which is WHY she is backing off.

Confidence does not mean you have to strut around , or constantly DO things to prove your worth. In fact a little humility can go a long way. Women like men who are stronger than they are...but who is confident enough in her to allow her the room to do her own thing, and admire her for it. Not tear her down.

You mentioned she didn;t want to kiss you. Do you know how intimate kissing really is?? I did not kiss one guy for the first month we went out because kissing to ME is an extremely intimate thing that I reserve for those I allow to get close enough to me. You should respect her wishes in that....because when she IS ready....you will then have earned some trust in her.

[danimal77]

Hi Satin,

 

Thanks for your insight....Yeah, the thing with the kiss, is that we already did kiss last Saturday night, so it's been taken a step back. She's not sure how she feels about me and I'm starting to understand why, YET, I feel that part of her is captivated by me as much as I am by her...

 

I will not call her for the next few days. He leaves not this Sunday, but the following one...I wouldn't be surprised if she calls me before then though, if I show some restraint at this point...I do want to show her my new brush cut hair do though. I just shaved my head this afternoon...Anyways, she'll have to wait...

 

Thanks again,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

I would like to know something as sure many others do:

 

Why are you unable to deal with this situation using all the advice you have given others in the past? Are we to believe that the advice you give is nothing more than what people want to hear?

 

I really hope the messages are seeping into your cleanly shaven head. Harsh or not, do you see the overall theme here? You have been described as narcissistic, childish, obsessed, over-analytical, impatient...and the list can go on.

 

These are pretty significant things that are you ought to pay close attention to. Instead you are ignoring it and are more concerned about what tactic to use to win this girl who is giving some pretty obvious signs of not wanting to be with you.

 

One of my female friends read your post and said "Are you serious? This can't be real." And like someone else said, the "psycho-altert" is going off in this girl's head.

 

Just out of curiosity, how many long-term committed relationships have you had?

[danimal77]

Benevolent wrote this about me: "I really hope the messages are seeping into your cleanly shaven head. Harsh or not, do you see the overall theme here? You have been described as narcissistic, childish, obsessed, over-analytical, impatient...and the list can go on.

 

These are pretty significant things that are you ought to pay close attention to. Instead you are ignoring it and are more concerned about what tactic to use to win this girl who is giving some pretty obvious signs of not wanting to be with you."

 

You ought to pay close attention as to how much of an BEEEEEEEP you are.

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

Interesting...I suggest that eveyone read the all the prior posts and tell me that what I wrote was nothing more than a synopsis of what others had already said.

 

I think this is just another example of flying off the handle and going to an extreme instead of just dealing with advice good or bad. Secondly, I think it's a syndrome of denial and not accepting any ideas/thoughts that don't agree with this current situation. For what it's worth, there is a mask of anonymity here in that a majority of us don't know who we really are. Sure we have profiles and PM each other, be we don't know who we really are. And while the asynchronous discussions that go on are helpful, it shouldn't be a substitute for true therapy or treatment.

 

Personally, to get this mad over a discussion board post is truly odd and sad and I think speaks volumes in terms of one's character and capacity. One would think that mature, adult discussion, argument and banter could be handled at all levels. I guess I was wrong.

 

I'd also like the moderator's to note of the slanderous comments...;-)

[avman]

This topic now locked for flaming.