Royltnxile Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Dan, Relax already! You spent what, 2 nights connecting with this person? And you havent had sex yet either? I don't think you can use the word "intimacy" to describe what you and her have...it's way to early for that. You blew it with the judgemental drug issue and scared her, then you further hurt your cause with your incessant phoning, showing up at her door, and putting a letter under her door. All of this after spending 2 nights with her????...Put herself in her shoes, if you had just met a girl and had spent only 2 nights with her, and hadn't slept with her yet, wouldn't you be freaked out if SHE pulled the same kind of behavior that YOU have just explained on your posts????????/ You would see her as desperate, needy, and not in control of her emotions...and that's not an attractant. You can repair the damage only by taking a step back and being very much "go with the flow", as someone else has said. Link to comment
DN Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I would not get a gift for her son - it's too obvious and could easily be misinterpreted. Leave that until later. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Thanks Roy, You're right man. I'll let you know that her and I had more connection in the few days we spent together, than I've had with girls I've known for months, if not years and that's the ONLY reason I am on here ranting and raving about it!!! .. I will though tone it down some notches. All is NOT lost just yet. Again, what do you all think of bringing her cute little son a toy on Thursday? To give without expecting something in return is always the way to go. I wonder if she no longer is physically attracted to me as she was? Is it a conscious decision on her part, or not? Danimal Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 DN, If she doesn't cancel on me for Thursday night, I don't think it can hurt my chances if I bring her and her son a little something. It's a sweet gesture. How can she hold that against me? Besides, this girl is willing to give me an extra microwave she has laying around the house, because mine blew up 2 weeks ago! Don't ask ... Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I would ditch the toy, not sure about the flowers--but if you must then keep it simple. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 I should mention that she has other male admirers who are interested in her. Like 3 other guys. She was willing to give me that shot, but now, well, I'm not so sure. She really is a good catch and she knows it... Danimal Link to comment
loveydovey Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Well just KISS (keep it simple son) and subtly but progressively show her that you're a good catch and you know it too! That's my advice. And also, I wouldn't suggest the gift. JMO Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Lovey Dovey, We already did kiss, when she was considering me as bf material, but after yesterdays events, she put on the breaks and either A. doesn't see me in that way anymore, or B. doesn't want to. Either way, it's not like she has tons of good experiences to use as a reference guide. It started out good and intense and all because of one confession, and my reaction to it, she got scared/turned off and now she won't play anymore and I am just another guy "friend"...and I like her and knew that she liked me too.. Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I should mention that she has other male admirers who are interested in her. Like 3 other guys. She probably told you about them because you said you were open minded about her having a kid--as if that was a big black strike against her. Probably hurt her feelings there...don't you think? If you bring her son gifts you will look WAY too eager. I know it would turn me completely off if some guy I spent time with twice brought my kids stuff. I'd wonder if he was a pedophile. but that's just me. So don't do that ---yet. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Muneca, You are still extreme aren't you? A pedophile????? For crying out loud, to even consider that is disturbing and I've seen her 5 times, not twice. In any case, I can't see why a toy for the kid is a turnoff...That's just me...What are your thoughts on the flowers? Does that make me an exhibitionist?? lol...(joke).. Danimal Link to comment
Royltnxile Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 No gifts, the others are right...a gift for her kid when you have only known her such a short time she will see as trying to buy your way into her heart (or worse, into her pants). It's way to obvious of a gesture. I wouldn't do flowers either. If your plans hold and you guys go out, just go out and show her a good time, be yourself, don't judge her, and relax with her. If things develope between you and her there will be plenty of opportunities and better timing involved for children's gifts and flowers. It's too soon for that. And I didnt mean to sound harsh in my earlier post by being critical of the short time you have connected with her either....I thought about that...and i was being very unfair because here I am still on these boards contemplating and pining about a 4 month long relationship when I read daily on here about relationships going to [censored] after several years, marriage, etc..etc....so the length of time you spend with a person doesn't always matter when it comes down to depth of feelings. I can relate to what you say about your connection is deeper than you have felt with most women you have been with for far longer periods of time. Certain people come into our lives and touch us deeply, if only for very short durations...so I understand! Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I have a suggestion too. Why don't you invite her out somewhere with her son? I know he is small, but something like a zoo trip or even a picnic. Try not staying in too much just because she can't get a sitter. Just a thought. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Here's the thing....She does not feel comfortable leaving her kid with a babysitter just yet, so all encounters we have, will tend to revolve around me only going to her place, or out with the kid during the day...So, a night out on the town is out of the question... Besides, all of this talk about if it gets serious is irrelevant, seing it was heading in that direction and now she is taking it more than a step back, but cutting out all hope of that happening. Am I supposed to try and change her mind and make her feel the way she felt before the incident occurred??? Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Are you absolutely sure you want to invest time and emotions into a girl that might use drugs again ? I hope you are sure about that. As for the rest. Get out and do something that will take your mind off of planning and creating strategies for her to like you. You can't make her feel something, the best you can do is create the mood for it to happen. So...Show up, bring her the simple flowers ( if you want) hang out, have a great time and go home. You are having to start all over again my friend....be patient. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 That's the thing Muneca, she seemed to instantly like me. I was saying and doing all the right things up until yesterdays event(s) and now, I feel like I have to try that much harder to prove to her that I am still the same guy and how I reacted was stupid.... I still think that I should stop asking her so many questions and just take more charge really...She is your typical independent, detached, don't need a man in my life to be happy type girl...That in itself was an obstacle and now it's may be an impossibility to overcome.. If she would have said, hey, you never know what can happen? Lets just take it slowly and see where it goes, but she did not say that.... Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 You can't tell her you are not the way you acted the other day... you have to SHOW her. Hey, she is giving you another chance. Relax and have a good time. Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 She is your typical independent, detached, don't need a man in my life to be happy type girl....... Maybe that's why she is so alluring? Those kind of girls always make guys crazy Dan. Be cool --don't over think this. Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 hahaha, you're right Muneca. They also drain our life force from us in the process . I don't know who was more over-dramatic yesterday/today, me or her??? Again, she's NOT really giving me hope by stating that she is willing to have some beers on Thursday night. If it's only as friends, it's a step back. Link to comment
melrich Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I forgot to mention, you should also be prepared for her ongoing relationship with the father (assuming he is still involved) Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 It was a one night stand. There is no father. Just several male admirers. I believe 3 other than me... Link to comment
danimal77 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 Seeing she doesn't have an answering machine, I will call her on Thursday. I will try her once in the morning. If no answer, I will call her in the afternoon and if none again, I will try one more time around supper time. If she doesn't pick up at all, she isn't interested and I no longer impose...I'll know at that point where I stand with her... Link to comment
melrich Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I agree with the others, don't buy any gifts, particularly for the child as it will potentially look manipulative. In my experience, single mothers (my sister is one and a very close friend another) are extraordinarily close to their kids and err on the side of being over-protective. This extends into potential relationships. They will look not just for compatability with themselves but also with their child. They are very alert to overtures being made to them through the child. How old is the child? If 2 and a half plus the child WILL see any suitor to it's mother as competition. You won't believe this but a child of that age will recognise someone trying too hard or trying to buy its affection. It will take a long time for the child to trust you and teh best way to gain that trust and love is to let the child come to you. Don't impose yourself on the child. If you get things back on track and a long term things becomes possible with this woman, make sure you fully understand the implications of having someone elses child in the relationship. Particularly understand that you are unlikely to ever be number one in this woman's eyes. Her child will always take precedence over you. I do know what I am saying here as I have been through it myself. Good luck with it. Link to comment
Mun Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 If you already have plans why don't you just show up? She gave you a time right? If you have a time then you have a date. No need to call 3 times to make sure... unless she is really forgetful. Link to comment
loveydovey Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Lol. Well, danimal KISS is a little phrase i use for Keep It Simple Son . But about you having beers and it being a step back, I wouldn't count yourself out of the running just yet. Because let me tell you, if she just wanted to be purely friends without the possibility of ever leading to more, I doubt if she would still be willing to go with you. At least, I wouldn't. And, if you felt the connection, she probably felt it as well. I think that she's playing it safe and cool because she does want it to work for the best. So in the meantime, I think you should mirror her behavior and just let the story of you and her unfold Link to comment
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