You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[confusedangel]

i havent heard from my ex in 4 months. the day of the brekaup he still said he love me but just doesnt want a relationship. he told me to leave him alone completely. i emailed and texted a ffew times and no response. did i ruin a second chance?

[need2bme]

Angel, nah, ya didn't ruin it. You tried and did your part. He has to do his.

 

You have to concentrate on yourself now. You have to make yourself a strong person. Keep concentrating on you and keep posting here.

[SuperDave71]

Confusedangel,

 

Learn to let go of your ex....find yourself again and possibly you will hear from him in the future,...

 

 

Of course if you work on you and learn to grow...there is nothing you can't do as well as he may not matter anymore.

 

 

 

You take care of you....

 

 

SuperDave71

[Shaker]

Superdave,

 

I keep reading occasional postings that say NC is right for the majority of situations. When is it a bad idea?

 

I'm thinking of breaking it today (it's only been 8 days).

[SuperDave71]

Shaker,

 

8 days is nothing my friend. You need to work on you. NC. is for you to grow stronger. If you break it, it just shows you are not strong enough.

 

There is no need to go backwards....more forward and be strong.

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Benson]

hey Dave.

 

you are so generous in your love and support on this forum, it astounds me.

 

I have but one question for you.

 

I know I should be moving on. However I am still stuck on my ex. Theres something missing here, that I am not sure what it is. It feels like its not over...

 

Im having great trouble finding myself again, my humor, my sense of relationships, everything. I just dont seem to want to do anything! I havent contacted her in 4 weeks... Nor has she.. We didnt even break up on bad terms, infact I never got a reason for it really... All i know is that she felt inadequate for me, because of some last words she spoke to me... I didnt want her to feel this way, but I feel so bad for her that its killing me...

 

I know its not my responsibility to feel her pain but the circumstances of our relationship were such that I tried to help her with everything, and it sucks not being able to do that. She was very dependant and all of that, and I know she really and truly didnt find herself as a person. But it pains me to think i wont be there for her anymore... Makes me so sad.. I just want to fall asleep with her again....

 

I've been NC for about 4 1/2 weeks now..

[SuperDave71]

Benson,

 

 

You are so strong my friend. You keep doing exactly what your doing. I am sure she is thinking about you as well. I have no doubt. You cannot allow yourself to live in the past. You need to take that focus off her and try to put it on yourself.

 

Stay positive and don't assume its NOT over. You need to deal with today. Live for today and more on for a better tomorrow. Keep thath chin up and keep that back straight. The feelings you feel right now are very real and need to be dealt with but as long as you choose to stay still...is where you go no where.

 

 

Use that brain and focus on you goals and love her from a distance right now.

 

 

Give her the gift of NC. By doing so, you take the pressure off of her and allowing her to make up her own mind and heart.

 

 

You can do this and I wish you the best Benson,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Prober]

Super Dave:

 

Thanks for being so thoughful and giving such great advice.

 

I have been apart for six months and recently found out my ex has been with someone else for the past 4-5 months.

 

She always doted over me and complimented me during our 5.5 years together. We had a dumb fight a few months befor our wedding and she split forever, without facing me.

 

Knowing she was going to be my wife and loving her so deeply, it is hard for me to believe she is with someone new so soon and that he is giving her anything more than I did. After all, like I said she always spoke about how I was the very best in so many ways.

 

It blows me away how after such a deep bonding and her constant doting, she could be so inhumane and uncaring during and after the breakup. The last time I spoke with her, it was like I was speaking to someone I did not know. Who is she? Just because she doesn't need me anymore and has found someone new, does it make sense that she turns into a cold-hearted witch?

 

Please send some words my way. Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

Prober,

 

No matter how long you know someone....no matter how much love...time...memories you share..you never know them completely.

 

 

Some people act completely different because or two MAJOR things:

 

1) It helps them move on..

2) They have always deep down been that way and hid it until it was time to show it.

 

 

I am sorry for your lost. Truly I am....

 

 

You must gather your scattered feelings and possible shattered ego..and pick up the pieces, carry them away and learn to rebuild that which has been broken ...STRONGER in the future.

 

The moment someone says....

 

I know them like the back of my hand..

 

or

 

We are so perfect for each other...BECAUSE OF MURPHY'S LAW..

 

 

you are doomed ( HA HA )

 

 

I ONCE said about a "perfect" girlfriend...."She love's me so much...she woudl never leave me"...I was so happy and sooooooooooooooo wrong.

 

She left me for a guy with money....

WOW....But I sure knew her well huh? ha ha

 

I want you to stop taking full responsbility for your loss. Live, Learn and TEACH...

 

Educate not only others BUT YOURSELF!!!

 

 

Stay strong and thank you so much for your kind words....

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[AllTornUp]

Super Dave,

 

Please give me advice. I have been reading a lot of posts here the last two days. Here is my story:

 

I went through a very messy divorce that started during the summer of 2004. I was a total wreck. Did just about every wrong thing in the book. I was married for 8 years at the time with two little boys. At any rate, it took a long time, but I was finally starting to feel good about myself and get over her by March 2005.

 

Then I started dating this great girl in April 2005. I was afraid, but I fell in love with her over the summer. Things were going great, so I started pressuring her to move in with me and she finally did in July 2006. That's when things started to fall apart.

 

She was just unhappy there. Didn't like living out in the suburbs with all the soccer moms. Couldn't handle the cacophony of two grade school boys living in the house with us every other week (I have joint physical custody). There are other issues of course, there always are.

 

Anyhow, she finally dropped the bomb on Saturday night. She needs to get out of there. She needs space. She needs to work on her. We cried all night together. She went out with friends the next night for New Years and spent the night at her friend's house. I did great by not calling or texting that night even though I would have loved to hear from her (Happy New Year or something).

 

I finally broke down and texted at 2pm the next day. I was worried about her. Now I'm not so sure, I was probably just being needy, etc. I called and left a message at 3pm. She called back aorund 3:30 and was heading home, well, to the house.

 

That night there was a bit more talking and crying, but she noticed that I was doing better than the first night. Also, she asked that I cancel her plane ticket to Vegas (we were all going in mid-January to visit my parents). Anyway, I started reading your posts yesterday and I decided that I needed to cut out the relationship talk and crying altogether until she moves out.

 

Yesterday after work I beat her to the house (she had the day off). She said she had been out looking at apartments and had decided on one near her work (10min drive instead of 40mins now). I told her that it sounded really cool. She showed me the web site and floor plan, etc. I asked when the apartment would be available and she said she would move while I'm in Vegas with the boys. Even though all this stuff hurt like he11, I held my chin high and the tears at bay--I was very proud of myself. I said only positive things.

 

Anyway, our situation is very strange. We're acting like roommates, but still sleeping in the same bed. She even wanted to hold me in the middle of the night and gave me a little kiss. I won't lie to you, it felt great at the time. It hurts now when I think about how that will all come to an end soon.

 

Anyway, I have two weeks left of living with her and I wanted to know what you thought about what I should do. My current plan is to just get through it as best I can. Don't do anything stupid that will push her away. Just treat her with respect and let her make any moves (such as kisses/hugs/cuddling/I love yous, etc). I won't call or text her. I did email her an interesting article this morning and she responded, so I'm not sure if I fell off the wagon or if that's acceptable roommate activity.

 

After she moves out, I don't really know what to do. I'm torn between LC and NC. I definitely won't initiate any contact, but I don't know if I should take her calls, texts, emails, IMs, etc. Please advise me. Please comment on my two week plan and give me advice on what to do after she moves out.

 

Thank you so much!

[Sinlaw]

Truly honestly u are a god among men

[SuperDave71]

Sinlaw and Alltornup,

 

 

Thank you both...

 

 

Alltorn,

 

Keep me informed of yoru situation please...

 

 

I am here if you need me.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Alltornup,

 

 

How are you feeling out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[John Bull]

It has been just over a week since my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me, the last 2 years of which we lived together in Japan. We have always been great together. We never really argued and were best friends. Our 2nd year in Japan was a little tough, it is hard here when you can only speak a little Japanese. We never made a lot of friends also so we spent ALL our time together.

 

We decided we would travel home separately, her in mid December so she could be with her family at Christmas and me in early February. We had a few good nights in the last days before she left... twice we went out to restaurants she liked and once we went out clubbing. I put on a brave face but in my heart I was sad that she was leaving.

 

A few days later it was time for her to go... She cryed alot at the airport, I cried too as we said goodbye. She made me promise to write every single day, we said we loved each other and then I watched her walk away

 

Once she was gone I was really sad as I realised I am all on my own in this country... with no close friends or family. I wanted to go back to our appartment we had together, but we had moved out of that the same day, I had to go and stay in a little place on my own. That night and every night for about 2 weeks we sent long emails to each other. Always talking about how we missed each other and that we loved each other.

 

At new years she and some friends went away on a on a trip. She had no cellphone reception and no internet connection, so I didn't hear from her for 4 days. During this time my work was closed so I started to get homesick... for her, my old appartment and my family back home I haven't seen for 2 years. When she got back she did not contact me right away... her contact over the next few days was completely different... when I did hear from her. She sent me a text message early morning on the 5th and said "can u ring me at home" I was so happy and rang right away... then she said we should break up. I said no no no, why blah blah blah, she said we had drifted apart in the last year... I blamed Japan for making things so tough!! She said but what if you don't come home? I said I will come home TODAY for you. She said its too late we have drifted too far apart....

 

...I was and still am in shock, I did not see this coming. I thought hard about what to say... how to call her, or what to write. A few days past and I had been calm and made no move, she wrote an email being very nice... asking if I was ok and when will I be coming home? I did not know what to say, I started writing but was stuck... so I browsed the internet and found this thread, I have now read the whole thing! It has been 10 days since and I have not contacted her.

 

Tonight my friend from my home country called, we chatted for nearly 2 hours. It was good to talk but I now feel VERY sad after going through it all again. He told me that it was wrong for me to ignore her email, he said that after a breakup you are not thinking straight and this was a mistake I was making because i was hurt... like I was sulking. He said it might seem like a good idea now to just think, stuff it and ignore her... but in a few months you will look back and regret what was thrown away. My parents think I should be trying to stay friends.

 

I am very close to emailing her right now.

 

I need some help!

 

I really don't want to appear as if i am sulking.

 

Should I tell her I will be coming home? And when? Should I tell her I am OK?

[John Bull]

Also in the past it had come up that I didn't say I loved her enough. I tried to show her I loved her by being there for her every single day. And also made an effort to tell her more often. I am worried that she left because she did not think I loved her enough.

 

Will No-Contact make her believe she was right and I didn't love her very much?

 

She must be thinking, "he's not even going to try to get me back."

[SuperDave71]

John,

 

I know this is tough man..I really really do. There is NO way...that she can go so HOT And COLD on you. Do you know of ANY signs that you saw or knew of prior to her leaving?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[John Bull]

The biggest problem was we became more like 2 really great mates than lovers. She really had no close friends here, I was her only friend. It was a little hard sometimes to switch back to being lovers & romantic.

[SuperDave71]

I understand....you can get thru it man!

 

-SuperDave71

[MightyBoosh]

I love some of the analogies you use SuperDave...they really help to put things into perspective, and in those short sentences make the whole post make sense!!

 

 

Ive tried so many times to start and maintain NC. but Im just so elated when the ex gets in touch that I just have to reply....the other night, he told me that the night he ended it, when he told me that he didnt love me anymore, he didnt mean it...he tried to explain that the only reason he said it was because it was the only thing he could think of syaing so that I wouldnt try to convince him to work things out....now, hes doing his usual trick of disappearing for a few days....ive gotten used to him doing it when hes revealed too much to me about how hes feeling...Im just so frustrated that he freaks out on me so much...Im the one getting messed about, yet hes the one messed up! I just dont know what Im supposed to do when its him doing all the initiating, telling me he misses me, still loves me etc...

[SuperDave71]

MightyBoosh,

 

hi there and thank you for the reply. Obviously this guy doesn't know what he wants. You must be strong with any decision for starting NC because if you don't stick with it, he will only drag you along without any commitment whatsoever.

 

Please be careful and make sure you use your head instead of your heart ok?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Leofromearth,

 

Hey there. I am sorry you are going through what your going through. Why did you break-up in the first place?

 

 

Obviously if you were the dumper, you had your reasons.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[finalcloud13]

If the girl breaks up with you by saying they want to be friends, do we still do this and not call them for as long as it takes? I screwed up in the beginning because I was totally begging to get back with her. It was apparent she didn't want to really talk on the phone anymore so now I'm just chatting with her online. Should I not start any conversations? What if she starts one with me? And what kind of attitude do I take up? Cold? Just a friend? Should I make an effort to keep it short and be the first leave everytime saying I'm busy, that I have to do something at the moment?

[SuperDave71]

Finalcloud,

 

 

I do NOT believe in friends right after a breakup. You are you trying to fool?

 

It takes time to heal affter such a blow and disapointment. After a few months have passed, and you are stronger....it is possible to rekindle a friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

Good Luck to you,

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Leo,

 

 

If she refuses to let you go and you have already broken up with her...

 

This is NOT your issue but hers.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[flyguy23]

superdave can you please help me!!!!! i just went thru such a tough break up. we dated for 8 months but i loved her. My thread is under "relationships" "to hold on or let go forever" to make a long story short after still tryin to get her back i knew it wasnt gonna happen. for the first time in my life im tryin to be strong and move on. i have initiated no contact but its only been a couple days and its sooooo hard. i wanna pick up the phone to call but i didnt. i wonder it hurts so bad right now if i can keep doing it. i am however feeling a little bit better. its better we broke up now than years down the road. but i just hope i can move on. and heres my biggest problem....im so afraid to meet anyone now because i think the next girl will do the same thing. so what should i do?? please help!