You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[QuinN]

hi everyone ,

i'm new to this forum and i have a question about my problem...

my gf and i broke up like almost 2 weeks already and i did do stupid thing like contact an talk to her.. but the result still the same that she not let me have any chance beside being a "friend" to me, and the reason that she left me cause in the whole 3 years i'm not treat her good and not romantic to her, and also there alot misunderstanding that leave her to thinks that i might cheat on her.. or watever.. . (but i never cheat on her)

well i know it's hard for not contact her cz in the whole 3 years she's the only one next to me share an talk to me every single min... but not it's just hard to not to talk or call her...

yea, and her bday is comin up tomorrow... and it been a day that i have not talk to her...

and i just wonder what should i do now since her bday is tomorrow?

cz i'm just so lost and pain.. just want to get her back!

 

Thanks!

[xblondyx]

That's great advice! It fits perfectly with my current situation. Im going to give the space my (ex) boyfriend wants and if he wants me back, he'll have to come back to me. Thanks so much!

[QuinN]

please help my situation.. cz tomorrow is her bday..

 

Thanks!

[okane24]

Hey Dave, is there any hope for me? My ex whom just broke up with me 3 days ago is 21 and I'm 29. She is beginning her partying stage and says she needs time to grow up and that we are in different stages in life. She says she loves me and wants to make it work, and eventually marry me, but just not right now. Any suggestions? She's also in another country studying and partying abroad until June, so I don't even see her. Well, we don't even talk now. She said her perception of me changed when I was too clingy and not independent like when I met her. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

My suggestion is to start NC. She needs to learn by example that you are not waiting around and that she can "find herself" as much as she wants but as far as you are concerned...you need to just let go (for now). I think it can help you as well.....you need to concentrate on you right now,

 

 

 

-Your friend,

 

 

Superdave71

[karchino]

My situation is I think a bit different because I did not really break up with someone (you can read more about it in the threads I posted) but I also did NC. I did it for one person; MYSELF and after 11 days of NC, which was very hard, he contacted me which felt really good because it made me realize that even when I do not contact him, that it does not mean he forgets about me....Which was one of my problems and the more I thought that, the more I contacted him, the less he had the chance to be the first to make the contact. And although it is hard doing NC and you have your difficult moments like when you are bored or you really miss that person, it gets better day by day.I always think like that there is only one person that can make you happy and that person is you. Nobody else can control your feelings, only you can.

[OCD]

Hi all,

Haven't posted on this thread in a while and thought I'd ad an update. It's sort of ironic, but actually became a dumper last night. Very strange to have that happen given all that I've gone through with my break up. I've been dating this girl for about a month. I was very upfront with her in that I only wanted to casually date. Of course I'm still healing and she told me that she understood. Everything was cool. Then I get a call last night about why am I not calling her, why don't I see her more, etc. That was a red flag for me to end it because I wasn't ready to take it to the next level: Being Exclusive. I guess if I totally fell for her it would be different, but she was just fun to hang with, do stuff with, but in the end she started to get very attached to me. So I gently let her go, very honest with her.

The whole time of talking to her and telling her how I felt I just thought about why didn't my ex do the same with me. Tell me why she's ending it. As some of you may remember my ex just vanished without a word. I still miss my ex and would love to get another shot. SuperD has been a huge help to me. I just wonder if I'll ever be ready to talk to her again? I'm trying to let go of her, but that part of me still is counting the days when I'll get to see her again? I still have some nights where I think about her, asking all of the questions that run through our heads, the Is she thinking about me? How can she be over me? Does she remember my Birthday next week? etc...

I just thought it was strange how I became the dumper, but after going through what I went through I thought it was best to be honest and upfront with the other person. I know how it feels to just have someone give you the cold shoulder one day. That hurts as much as them leaving. Oh well, I march on hoping I run into that special someone or my ex finally misses me and wants to chat. It's still very rough....7 months...wow time flies...getting better every day though. Thanks.

 

OCD

[SuperDave71]

I'm here... I'm here...

 

I haven't gone anywhere...

 

 

-SuperDave71

[dylan saves]

hey dave, and everyone.

i'm new here, but have been reading posts for about a week now.

just taking time to hear and learn from everyone's experiences.

so here's my situation, and I'd love some advice. i think most of my friends and roomates are getting sick of hearing about it...

 

I was broken up with about three weeks ago. We had a very intense relationship, and were very close. We never fought, and everything was really good. then we split. it seemed out of the blue then, but now I have had time to reflect on what may have caused the breakup.

 

about a week after, we started hanging out again, just as friends, not bringing up the relationship, no begging, just fun times. i could tell there was still a connection there. so the next day I asked her about it, which probably was a mistake. she said she didn't think that we could work things out and that she hadn't intended to lead me on.

 

i've now decided that NC is the best route to go. just to heal myself. but the friendship we had going just after the breakup was really good, and i'm afraid that I may jeopordize that by not contacting her.

 

so what should I do?

 

as i side note, instead of constantly wanting to see her/ be with her, now i am scared of seeing her, afraid that's it's going to be awkward and horrible and hurtful. i don't want any of that, Ijust want to be friends.

 

man even just writing this out makes me feel a bit better.

still confused though.

[OCD]

I'm here... I'm here...

 

I haven't gone anywhere...

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

Good to see you're hanging out SuperDave71...hope all is well man. Man I'm freakn' hurting still....7 months...haven't heard from her in a few weeks and my b'day is next week....sucks...i know she's probably thinking about me and I know she wouldn't forget my b'day ever....I just wish I could say something to her, change her mind....plead? Well hell, not plead, but you know what I mean....take care.

 

OCD

 

Dylan Saves,

How's it going...man, if you can handle being friends with this girl, and it doesn't bother you at all that she isn't with you and you can keep it at a friendship level....I give you mad props. I love my ex sooooo much it still hurts and it's been 7 months. I can't be a good friend to her, it hurt for her to contact me for several months after the break....I just couldn't do it...kept pulling the scab off of the break, and it'd hurt eveytime I hung up the phone after talking to her....never got a chance to heal and now I'm paying for it...missing her etc. It sounds like you can keep you emotions in check and a friendship would be ok.....just ask yourself if you can handle hearing about her dating other guys, etc.....if you're cool with all of that, I don't see a problem....keep up the NC until you are fully ready, if you're ever to be that friend to her...sounds like a great girl....good luck.

 

OCD

[okane24]

Hey Dave, you wrote back to me about a week ago. Thanks for the advice.

 

I've been on NC for about 2 weeks now. It hurts like hell thinking about her and thinking that she doesn't care that I existed. It hurts that she could throw our relationship away soo darn easy, while it's been hell for me. I'm also afraid she may be seeing some other guy while she's studying abroad. And she specifically said she wanted space from me because she didn't want a serious relationship. Now she might be with another guy?

 

It's just so hard to understand why this girl who said she loved me so much could change so much, so fast. I really hope NC will bring her back to me someday. But as for now, I'm taking your advice and will not call or email or text her and focus on me. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Thanks again for your words of encouragement and advice.

 

Your avid listener,

 

Steven

[dylan saves]

i should clarify that this breakup is still really hard for me.

though i want to be friends at some point, i know that that's not possible until I can clear my head, and get my emotions in check. i'm just worried that by the time that happens, she'll no longer want to be friends, or will have moved on.

[Sexychiick16]

thats good advice to follow...and your pretty much right about this.

for some reason, i know what to do, but i keep doing the things that push them further away!!

[SuperDave71]

Well Sexychiick...

 

 

If you do not learn from your mistakes...are are you expected to learn?

 

 

You can do this....I know its hard...but YOU CAN DO THIS

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[ty1807]

What if you have kids together

[NubianLove]

I love this thread, I'm slowly going thru it, and its giving me a lot of encouragement, so far havent talked to ex since huge argument monday so its 6days NC by phone, and 3days by text message. Usually he'd expect me by now to be calling, or at least send some email begging, so I know this is rather surprising. He has been online 3x today, and on my gmail chat, for a sec, I wanted to send a message, but I was fine. I know he saw my screenname and thats on him anyway. I've not felt like calling, never dialed his # for a sec, and I'm so proud of it. U have to understand, we were best friends for 8yrs! Dated off and on for 6yrs, so yup thats a really long time! Even if he called right now, I wouldnt pick up thats for sure, I need to do this for myself, I've soo much going for me right now, I clearly do not need this. While I would like to get back, and I know everyone else(mutual friends, family and all) would love for us to get married down the road, I feel like he also needs to find out what he wants, because his actions clearly saw that, even though his words told me he wanted me for the long haul. I also need to work on myself, my controlling behavior which stems from my emotions. I let it get the best of me several times, and I wish I really saw this thread way back when. I can study for my exams without panicking about if he's with her, or what he's doing, and I've a smile on my face. NC is definitely the way to go, it really does help, I can say this. I know he's thinking about me, wondering whats going on with me, we talked several times a day just about everyday for 8yrs...our lives were so intertwined, even when he moved out of state for his prog a few months ago. I was always caling, always ready to share, he'd have issues, and I'd resolve them in a sec, always placing him 1st before myself. Now I feel like I'm gaining control of my life, I deleted his number from my phone after the big argument, so even when he calls the special ringer isnt there. He called about 20x for 2days str8 but I ignored it becos I know it was just to argue and I was through with that. The truth is that he lied, and its eating him inside, and guilt sometimes drives many to feel anger. Its easier to get angry and transfer ur guilt feeling onto someone else rather than take responsibility of it.

I'm going with friends out of town next week, and I'm excited because I'll be seeing some male friends who clearly like me, so this will give me a chance to be the fun, happy person that I usually am.

When he calls, I'll let it be, if he calls several times, and leaves a message, maybe I'll send a text acknowledging his message but say that "I am taking some time for myself to work on myself, and figure out what is best for me. I'll call you sometime soon. I hope all is well with you. Did you hear back about the job yet? Schl is great, I aced XXX exam!"

 

I realize that arguing with him about it was useless now, and when I realized that Wed night, I sent a text saying he was right, I blew it, I messed up my friendship, I was a fool, basically so now he had nothing else to say because I accused myself of everything he felt I was to blame, which was part of my plan So all he could say to that was to wish me luck on an exam he knew I was taking that morning.

 

I'm not even going to bring up the issue, him or the girl involved, because thats what he'll expect me to want to talk about, and I'm truly past that now. I cant control him, I can only control myself. In my mind, that issue is resolved, in his, its all chaos, based on an email he sent to a friend yesterday, I can see he doesnt even know how to safely get out the mess he helped create.

I dont think I want to talk to him on the phone for at least a month or close enough, so another 2.5-3 weeks to go. Grad schl keeps me extremely busy so thats not even an issue. It'll be a HUGE accomplishment for us to not have a phone conversation for that long, and I know he'll miss that. I remember just how it was when last yr, we did a 6day NC, that was extremely hard for me, but the sound of happiness when he heard my voice was great. Maybe someday I can feel that again.

Thanks everyone, lets keep this thread going.

[Mark82]

what if i've already pushed my ex away further than when we broke up, am I lying to myself thinking there may still be a chance in future if I maintain nc?

[ediefy]

I'm new to this forum--but saw OCD's last post, about being the dumper and doing the right thing in the process. My ex dumped me out of the blue about 11 months ago, and we never talked about it until today, when we met to go for a walk on the beach.

 

I did a great job of NC the whole time since he broke up with me (via email, no less). Today I got a kind of apology, and at least some discussion of what was going on for me and the impact of the breakup on my situation (it was a very tough time, and sometimes still is).

 

The result: I don't want to be back together with him, and I doubt that is what he wants, either. I wish I had some great alternative in my life at this point, but I don't. But I guess I have gotten a tad smarter, because I'm not (at least not at this moment) thinking it'd be great to get back together. He destroyed that, and there isn't going to be a new era of the two of us. I can live with that, as I have for nearly the past year.

 

Seeing him brought up so many conflicting feelings--a lot of anger at him for taking something that was so easy, so comfortable, so much fun (which he completely thinks was all true) and just walking away. Seems he finally came to realize that he was always waiting for his true love (who's now married and has a baby) to come back to him. He told me that he missed me, missed our friendship, missed hanging out together. I said "I don't see what difference that makes." He was a little taken aback by that. Wonderfully awkward moment.

 

In any case, I think it was good to have the conversation and to see each other for the first time in nearly a year. I was pretty stuck in being militant about NC, dating other people, etc., but I wasn't really moving on, in some ways. I am hoping this encounter will help me do that.

[NubianLove]

I thought for a sec today to call or to email, just for a sec, and just told myself ho stupid, its been just about 7days NC by phone. I had told myself that I wont talk to him by phone for at least 3 weeks even if he does call, and I'm past our issue,and so I wont even talk about it if he brings it up, I'll brush it off, accept blame and joking brush everything off. I'm working on myself, making so much time for myself, my studies, growing in my faith, realizing some of my own flaws that I've ignored for too long. Plus looks like I might have some friendly dates this week

So there, didnt contact him!! Goodness where was this post when I needed it months or even years ago!!

[SuperDave71]

Somebody get the duct tape......Nubian Love almost made contact!!!!

 

 

 

We have to hold her down so we can tape her to the floor and away from the phone, computer and possible smoke signals to her EX...

 

 

 

BWHA HA HA AH AHH HA HA A

 

 

Kididng of course

 

 

-SuperDave71

[NubianLove]

Somebody get the duct tape......Nubian Love almost made contact!!!!

 

 

 

We have to hold her down so we can tape her to the floor and away from the phone, computer and possible smoke signals to her EX...

 

 

 

BWHA HA HA AH AHH HA HA A

 

 

Kididng of course

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

I found reason to send a text message today, I guess I wanted him to know I had no animosity towards him, well I know I shouldnt have. I guess cause he's far from home and everyone he knows, and I was the only person who talked to him on a daily basis on the regular from home, so I was just concerned. Maybe it'd have been better if I had sent him a message online. So yeah I broke NC with a text message, I still refuse to call and wont till time is right, but not doing contact no time soon. Off to the mall and then to go study

[NubianLove]

Ok I broke NC by phone!!! Aggggghhhh but it was great, he was so excited to hear from me!! He was at work when I called, and then said he'd call back, and he did. The conversation was awesome, just light hearted conversation, he wanted to know how everything was going with me and schl, and was telling me about a recent job interview, maybe having to move, trying to get himself together and all that. He asked and I gave him some advice regarding job options, and making a good decision. I was bubbly and my happy self the whole time, and he sounded so interested in what I had to say. I told him about schl, and some great stuff from there, also mentioned one bad class, and having to step it up there, he was like I've all the faith in the world in you, it'll be hard, but you can do it. We started discussing new workout tips, we both work out, and then he joked that maybe I'll start fightin guys off me the way I'm going We talked about him going shopping, and he said he had bought a chain, so I asked him if it was the dog tag, and then he reminded me and told me that he had bought it with me and his mom remember? I was like oh at the mall? He was like dont u remember, it was at X shop over Christmas. Then he jokingly said I thought that was you, maybe it was some other female, I laughed and said yeah that was me.

I told him about my trip, and he was like wow, you're just everywhere.

He said it was really nice of me to call, that he was looking at calling me later since the situation had put stuff into perspective for him, and he needed to figure stuff out. We both agreed that we wouldnt be talking on the phone soon, as it was still somewhat early to be talking. He said we'd communicated by email or instant messenger till the time was right, and then we can talk about the situation and iron things out. I told him that I had called to check up on him, and see how he was doing personally, he's like I know, I really appreciate it. He said things had been crazy and hectic, and he was trying to sort himself out, at which point I said, yeah u always have to remember to put you first. He agreed, each time I would try to get off the phone, he'd bring something up, we'd chat about it somemore, so we ended up talking for 35mins!

We talked about our friends' upcoming wedding, and all, which is the next time he'd be in town. I told him that we'd talk sometime, and that infact how about he gives me a call, and he agreed that it would be best, that he'd be the one that would give me a call, and that if we wanted to get a hold of each other, we'd email.

 

So there u go, I broke NC after 8days but it was great because the last time we talked was a yelling fiasco. Now I feel good, knowing that we wont be talking any time soon, but knowing that the good communication lines are back open. He told me to make sure I stayed awake, because I was going to be driving with a friend a few hrs back home, and that even though I wasnt driving I should make sure to stay awake. I said I would, and we got off the phone.

 

I love this website! The old me would have brought up the issue at first hello, but we were able to have a great conversation and just be ourselves. Mind you we had tried NC for months now, and we'd always break it after a few days, so this huge drama turned into a blesssing.

 

Ok now off to the mall, need to go get ready for my trip

[opiate92]

I put up a full post at the beginning of March about my situation. My two-year girlfriend (both 25 years old) had suddenly slipped out of my life. A few people here posted back and said "don't contact her" because she had asked for no contact for an unspecified amount of time (she used the maddeningly ambiguous "for now"). I followed their advice at first. Then after two weeks her father called me and wanted to meet. He said everything was fine and I just needed to let her "cool off" for a few months. Around this time I sent her a big teddy bear and a letter about how I'd changed and blah blah blah and I even included photos of our many trips together.

 

Ironically, meeting with her father made me freak out even more. It got so bad that everyone at work noticed, and the president (yeah…the president) of the company took me into his office. After I explained the situation he said "communication is the key" and that three weeks was too long to go without speaking. He told me to call her. I wasn't really hip to the idea…but he persisted and even left his office to me to make the call…

 

So I called her and left a voicemail. She called back the next day to say that she "wants to be alone for a LONG time" and wants "freedom" right now. She seemed very angry, but didn't say that getting back together was out of the question eventually…but that the chances were very very low. I told her I'd talked to her dad. She asked me to not talk to any of her friends or family any more. I agreed. She said to call her in a few weeks.

 

I knew that NOW was the time to take everyone's advice and really really do the no contact, I planned to NOT call her in "a few weeks" and just start dating other people. Her brother even called me to talk the next day but I didn't take the call.

 

48 hours later she called. She said that she'd "decided" that she never wants to be with me again. She had talked to her father and had an argument because he thought she wasn't acting right in this situation. She saw this as her father caring more for me than her. Bad news when your girl's parents are divorced and she suffers from "daddy doesn't love me" syndrome…. When she called it was less than an hour after talking to her dad. Obviously what she told me about her "decision" was misdirected anger at her father. However, she made the impulsive move to actually call my parents and tell them she didn't want to see me any more BEFORE calling me.

 

The phone call was very short. I still love her and would consider reconciling, but considering all that has happened, 2 and a half weeks after that phone call I've decided today that I need to consider it truly over if I'm ever to regain my sanity.

 

It remains a mystery what would have happened if I stuck with no contact. One thing to think about is even though I pushed for it and forced it – now I have an answer and can try to move on. Perhaps if I'd have kept with no contact I'd still wondering every second what she was thinking… still… I guess the rest of y'all can live with that hanging over your heads every day – but I guess I couldn't.

 

The real trick is not no contact, but simply catching the problems in the relationship before someone has to initiate a no contact rule. That is something I totally missed.

[NubianLove]

Ok ex sent a text sat saying he was checking to see how my trip was going, and that he was thinking about calling me sunday for easter. he called me at the crack of dawn, my ringer was off and I was asleep, and left a message. I stupidly returned his call today, and he didnt pick up. I think we are NC/LC for now.

[Confusion1974]

what do you do when NC is not possible because you work together...any tips?