You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[IOME]

@ rangranger

 

Wow, you're doing very good!

I personally think you shouldn't go,

because you would make it complicated for yourself.

 

It's not ok that she just hops over to somebody else,

and if you would go "just for fun", you would

deny your own feelings.

Come on guy, it's disrespectfull what she's doing to you

and she's trying to see if you miss her or not.

 

You don't have to show her what she's missing, she

already knows.

Stick to the plan boy.

[IOME]

Pfff I want to contact my ex badly now.

She asked me some small thingie via textmessage to do for her.

I want to say yes and run to her immediately

Have....to...stick...to..the..plan.

 

aargh

 

But i'm Trying to focus on other stuff now.

she misses me utterly, but i need time to

work on myself and do the things i have to do.

 

This situation is so difficult.

[hawk2009]

Reading the posts has been really comforting.

 

My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago after an 8 year relationship. It was a really good one, both of us were pretty sane people, but this was in a different country without our families there. Recently, he's had issues with jobs and such, and has not been too happy there either. A few months ago we came home, and then a couple months later, the breakup. It came out of the blue for me. He said that he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life and he wanted to move forward, but didn't have space for me; he was into the whole marriage thing a couple years back but somehow has lost interest; he loves me as a good friend but not in a passionate way now etc etc.

 

It is very painful (redundant comment for all the pp on this thread ) because we were so close. I do understand why he needs to find himself, and from what i've heard, it seems that many men can't do that with obligations or perceived pressures in tow.

 

I see him online everyday, but let him contact me first - i try not to initiate contact. Even so, we still talk everyday for about an hour or so. I keep it strictly non-emotional - talk abt things friends would talk about - news, gossip, random stuff. But I feel as if it hasn't really sunk in yet.

 

I wanted to ask a guy's perspective on this - based on the reasons above that he gave me, and i'm very certain that he does not have some other female interest, is there really any hope left? I know I have to move on, and I'm open to meeting new people, but its hard to forget the level of intimacy we had.

 

Help!

[IOME]

Hi Hawk,

 

I understand it's hard to forget the level of intimacy.

 

Your ex was in a difficult situation when he lost his job,

and obviously his self esteem got so down that he needed

time for himself to get things back on track again.

 

I don't think it's good that you both have contact everyday,

because in that way he's not taking time.

 

Men in general, when they lose something important and

don't want to be dependent on the girl tend to "go back to their cave"

To look back at what happened, to place things in order and

after that to think about a new strategy.

 

Give him time, that's all you can do.

[mxt25]

Hi everyone,

 

I have read a lot of pages of this thread but didn't see anything about blocking numbers. Sorry if it's already been answered.

 

I have been trying to do NC on and off for 3 months. This time I want to be stronger because I realize that if my ex wants to stay with their new girlfriend than they don't need to talk to me and I need to move on. (Even though they still want me...yeah right, bullsh*t)

 

Sooooo....I have blocked my ex's number...several #'s actually. And also their email addresses. My question is...is this immature? Should I do NC without the blocking of everything? It would be harder, yes, but would it be more effective? Or is it okay to have everything blocked with the thinking that if my ex truly wanted to contact me they would find a way...i.e. call me from a payphone or something.

 

thanks

 

-Jen

[aglaia]

i've deleted phone contacts and email addresses and other chat accounts but I didn't know you could block their calls... I think you do what's best for you and if blocking is what you need, then go ahead and do it... it's not childish to look out for your own interests

[FriendnorFoe]

i've deleted phone contacts and email addresses and other chat accounts but I didn't know you could block their calls... I think you do what's best for you and if blocking is what you need, then go ahead and do it... it's not childish to look out for your own interests

 

good call, I dunno about blockin' there calls though

[hawk2009]

Hi Hawk,

 

I understand it's hard to forget the level of intimacy.

 

Your ex was in a difficult situation when he lost his job,

and obviously his self esteem got so down that he needed

time for himself to get things back on track again.

 

I don't think it's good that you both have contact everyday,

because in that way he's not taking time.

 

Men in general, when they lose something important and

don't want to be dependent on the girl tend to "go back to their cave"

To look back at what happened, to place things in order and

after that to think about a new strategy.

 

Give him time, that's all you can do.

 

Thanks much...

 

I guess before this i never knew how differently wired men were. Its hard to figure out what guys are thinking - it seems that they can bottle things up till they just explode one day.

 

You said I just have to give him time - is there anything I can do in a non-threatening way to let him know i'm there to support him, even as a friend?

[andyman]

Very good thread. How about this situation:

Me and my former girlfriend are technically on a break after a disagreement we had about a week ago. It wasn't a heated disagreement, really, but feelings were hurt, and it's changed the relationship. I'm "giving her space" right now, but we're not formally on NC. I want to give the relationship another shot, but I'm also prepared to leave it behind if it becomes apparent that it won't work out. Is it necessary to establish the NC formally with her (this would require contacting her), or should I just continue to refrain from contacting her until she contacts me (if she contacts me) without formally establishing the NC.

 

Thanks.

 

Andy

[GTS]

Dave, thanks for the post and all of what you said is true, i shouldve found this post 2 months ago but i did something that changed everything. Here is my story.

 

My birthday was February and we spent time together with our friends, after 3 days she emailed me and told me she needed space, she told me the cause and i agree why she needed it, so we did, for 3 days, no contact and it was driving me crazy, i texted her to call me, no response, i called her work, she got mad at me for calling, i emailed her she said dont email coz i cant concentrate at work, so i stopped, no contact for 3 days again, one time i was on the road at night on my motorcycle, i saw her car so i followed, it was a guy driving her car, she was on the passenger side, i was furious and outraged! they saw me and i tried to tell them to pull over, i kicked the door to get her attention so i guess she finally told him to pull over, they parked, she got out first and was telling he is just a friend, i went to the driver side and tried to pull him out, he was scared as hell shaking, i beat him up while he was in the car, she stopped me, while i was talking to her, the guy called the cops on me (coward), all i wanted in the beginning is for her to tell me the truth, i asked her in the beginning if there was somebody else, she said no. Seeing that hurt me the fact that she lied to me, it was a stupid move, jealousy and i regretted that, i got arrested that night, booked and released, thank God for a cop friend.

 

Anyways, the next day was Monday, no contact, for the entire week, no calls from her, and i didnt call her, i was still pissed YET i told myself, i found out the truth and thats good enough for me to move on, take a break, i felt good coz all i thought was F*ck it, im glad it happened. After that week, she calls me, i asked her whats up, she asked me if i was ok, small talk, i told her i was sorry for acting like that and she was sorry for not telling me, i told her lets just move on, im done with this and she asked me if we can be friends, i said its not a problem. OK, small talk, done, the next day she emails me, then the next day she calls me, then it kept on going and going, nothing to talk about anymore. I never called her, i never texted her, i never emailed her, whats the deal? She tells me that the guy was just a friend, blah blah blah blah.

 

Shes giving me mixed signals, i asked her why she always calls me, she said her heart still longs for me, she said she still loves me but dont want to be with me right now, i asked her are we ever gonna work things out, she said yes but not now, i asked her are we ever gonna get back together, she said maybe. So * * * ? Is she still in her SPACE mode? She keeps on saying "i dont want to lose this friendship". We hang out with our friends once in a while and i can see a little spark here and there, she get jealous of me talking to other girls.

 

What should i do?, continue with no contact and have her call me instead? Wait for her to tell me she wants me back?

 

Dave, anybody?

[cl76]

Stop right there and give her the time and space she needs, 4 weeks NO CONTACT at least. NO CONTACT, no mercy, no surrender. Be polite if she contacts you and tell her you're respecting her need for time and space and that you also need time out to think. Whatever you do, DO NOT be her friend. Just disappear and work on yourself for a while.

 

During this time, get yourself together, become strong and happy again without her.

[brahmana]

Okay, I read your post and it was very good, my ex and I were together for 7 years too. Now she has a twenty year old living with her. I dk what to make of any of it. You can read the full story on the breakup forum if you want. But I want to ask you, I already did some of the dumb stuff you were talking about, the boo hoo letters, the text flurries that turned to arguements, only now am I really doint the NC. Is there still any hope or did I blow it already?

[Nick Lansing]

I did the same things, Brahmana. I think it's perfectly natural and expected to freak like that at first, in fact it might seem like you didn't care if you didn't react like that. As long as it only lasts a couple weeks i don't think you're sunk.

[brahmana]

I did the same things, Brahmana. I think it's perfectly natural and expected to freak like that at first, in fact it might seem like you didn't care if you didn't react like that. As long as it only lasts a couple weeks i don't think you're sunk.

That's good cuz I didn't do it for very long. I didn't even know about NC till I came on here. Wish I woulda found this forum first I wouldnt have done it at all lol

[ionno]

My ex, who dumped me on March 23rd, has her birthday on the 16th, should I send her a message saying Happy Birthday and just leave it at that, or keep up with the NC?

[Dante09]

"My ex, who dumped me on March 23rd, has her birthday on the 16th, should I send her a message saying Happy Birthday and just leave it at that, or keep up with the NC? "

 

How long were you together for, because that is really soon after.

[Tanzi]

My ex, who dumped me on March 23rd, has her birthday on the 16th, should I send her a message saying Happy Birthday and just leave it at that, or keep up with the NC?

 

I think you should stick with NC. Contacting her now would break all the hard work you have done. Do you really think it is going to make a difference if you send her a message? I don't think it will but I do think it will make a difference if you dont. She is probably expecting to hear from you so I am sure it will have a bigger impact on her if you dont.

[FriendnorFoe]

I have done everything right up until now and I have no regrets, if she wants to come back thats cool but it is up to her and I have not or will not persuade or sway her decesion, either way it really has been a journey, a journey to rediscover myself and I was originally disapointed in the break-up but have reeped far more benefits from it than I coulda imagined. I know I am healed now, kinda like when you finally realize your a adult, I know I am healed cause I no longer seek advice on how diffrent scenarios could play out if she calls back, its not that I dont care about peoples advice, been real helpful, but if she does call again I can take it from here with extreme confidence in just talking to her.

[cl76]

I have done everything right up until now and I have no regrets, if she wants to come back thats cool but it is up to her and I have not or will not persuade or sway her decesion, either way it really has been a journey, a journey to rediscover myself and I was originally disapointed in the break-up but have reeped far more benefits from it than I coulda imagined. I know I am healed now, kinda like when you finally realize your a adult, I know I am healed cause I no longer seek advice on how diffrent scenarios could play out if she calls back, its not that I dont care about peoples advice, been real helpful, but if she does call again I can take it from here with extreme confidence in just talking to her.

 

Excellent, that was always the intended goal.

[Talus]

Just want to say I wish I'd found this site possibly a little too late. This post, however old it is, is seriously some of the best advice I think could ever be given. It's been 2 weeks now since I had my heart broken and I let myself be so weak by love. I cried every single day for the last 2 weeks and as I said, was so weak and pathetic. She never pushed me away and actually did the opposite and we ended up acting exactly like we did when we were first together.

 

2 days later(yesterday) I did the letter thing this very post tells you not to do. I told her how much I loved her, how much she means to me and that what we shared was special. I have never once asked her back, we've both agreed that things would be way different for the better if we did get back and she hasn't ruled anything out. But I made it very clear that it's what I wanted if it would also make her happy. I brought up memories and everything and finally explained in it that being friends is impossible. I love her, respect her space and she isn't going to get it with me hanging around wanting her back.

 

In hindsight probably a bad idea... should've just simply said no to friends and left it at that. But ah well... I got a lot off my chest and told it to her straight. I just want to say though that this advice is spot on. Everyone is different but you need to respect your partners wishes. As I said I wish I found this site and this thread 2 weeks ago, but I'm hoping 2 weeks of confusion between the both of us hasn't stuffed up anything of a possible future.

[pg13]

2 weeks of mistakes is nothing. I have wrote countless letters/emails/texts to my ex professing my feelings. In my head, she's probably use to me sending them anyway. She's not use to me not contacting her. My mistake was breaking NC after only 8 days without saying a word to her. I just walked out the door when she started acting suspicious when I would be near her phone and she wouldn't let me look at her phone (even though she lied to me a few weeks ago and knows it'll take plenty of effort for me to trust her). So I gave her the chance to prove that she has nothing to hide, got upset, and I walked away. I found these forums and I thought I knew what I was doing until I broke down one day and text her why I haven't spoke to her in a week. After that (the past two weeks), it has been very LC and daily conflicts through text/e-mail/phone. I had enough of LC when she decided to hang out with her friends last Friday, and promising that Saturday night she'll spend with me. She flaked Saturday but did text me at around 1:30am after her sorority thing asking me if I wanted her to come over; by 1:31am she text back and said, "ok ok, going home now". Couldn't even give me 2 minutes to reply to her text. What I'm thinking is that she just tried to show minimal effort just to give me a bit of hope, and when I would complain about her lack of effort she can say she text me and she tried. She tried to call me Sunday and left a message saying she's getting off work early, she asked if I wanted her to come over; but since I didn't pick up she'll talk to me later. Haven't heard from her since... I feel much better emotionally going NC than very low LC with daily conflicts.

[voivod]

i leaped from page three of this thread to the end, so if this question has been asked already, i apologize.

 

i've been seeing counseling for issue that i have had most of my life that i know led to my wife and my separation. i have been seeing her on a consistent basis the whole time we have been living apart. understand this woman is everything to me. i love her dearly. there was no infidelity in our relationship. just my stupid controlling and jealousy.

 

so here we have been seeing one another a couple of times per week, often at her insistence/invitation. so you know i love being with her. but i don't think any real progress has been made towards us getting back together.

 

is it too late to retreat into nc mode? have i blown it by playing this little "dating game" with her. i'm ready to do the nc thing. again, is it too late for that?

 

ps-i didn't see super dave on this page. did he disappear from this thread? his stuff was what motivated me to take this step.

[OziJack]

Super, Dave !

 

Guys, read this again . Dave 'gets it'.

[coldheart]

My ex is the one that contacts me constantly lately so it's harder for me to enforce NC. However, with every passing day that I ignore a text, phonecall, or e-mail, I feel better. Great post Dave. This is an original and classic.

[LostSolace]

Dave. If only I knew of this forum before it all went pear shaped..your wisdom would have so seriously come into play.

 

I thought I did it all right..but boy did I get it all wrong.

 

I should have initiated NC from the minute it happened..