You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[tujna]

Dave. If only I knew of this forum before it all went pear shaped..your wisdom would have so seriously come into play.

 

I thought I did it all right..but boy did I get it all wrong.

 

I should have initiated NC from the minute it happened..

 

LostSolace

 

We have all felt like that. Forget the past, you found it when you were ready for it. Maybe your friends told you before but you didn't listen. This happened to me. It is never too late to heal... If there is real love, it is never too late. If not, she or he is the only one missing out. Stay strong! NC all the way!

[cupid]

I am a big supporter and a very good implementer of NC. I think NC is the easy part. I think I know less about what to do now. After 2 months of LC all contacts initiated by him and and 2 months of very strict NC, my ex told me he wants to try again and see where it goes. I know I have to take it slow but at the same time I feel like we are disconnected and I dont know how to reconnect without pursuing him. I want to make him work for it. But, as a pursuer, I have fears, as usual. I am scared that he will think that the thing between us is not whta he remembres. Do you have any suggestions?

[tujna]

I am a big supporter and a very good implementer of NC. I think NC is the easy part. I think I know less about what to do now. After 2 months of LC all contacts initiated by him and and 2 months of very strict NC, my ex told me he wants to try again and see where it goes. I know I have to take it slow but at the same time I feel like we are disconnected and I dont know how to reconnect without pursuing him. I want to make him work for it. But, as a pursuer, I have fears, as usual. I am scared that he will think that the thing between us is not whta he remembres. Do you have any suggestions?

 

First, congrats on NC working for you!! Your ex has expressed desire to take things slow and I think this is helping you already. Try to do everything as if this is a brand new relationship for which both sides have to work, not simply you or him. Don't rush in anything, such as conclusions if he doesn't return your call. Take it as it comes and stop worrying.

[cl76]

Well, if you stuffed up today, then now is the time to take SuperDave's advice and stick to it. Don't worry about the mistakes, you'll be fine.

[apocalypso13]

Hey there SuperDave71 and all other posters on this forum!!

 

Obviously everyone - especially you, SuperDave, I need advice.

 

Instead of repeating my story to everyone, please see my very first forum novel for the info you need

 

My advice required is as follows ... I had had zilch, zip, nada contact with my ex for about a month after his last speech when a mutual "friend" decided that, because we were in the same circle of friends, we may need to get used to socializing, and thus organized a couple of dinners over a couple of weeks with our large group of mutual friends. Everything was fine, of course it hurt a bit, but otherwise non-awkward.

 

Now, I've just been overseas for a couple of weeks - and within a week of me leaving town, my Ex had added me on Facebook ... (I deleted him, his brother and his bestie from my FB & MySpace - as much to help myself as hinder them - my ex and his "people" never do ANYTHING without a distinct reason.)

 

So - my ex has added me on FB. I haven't touched it.

 

Then I get a message today on FB - now he's asking me if I'm ignoring him.

 

I'm not going to do anything - he's hurt me too much for that, and besides, I would have NO idea what to do OR say ...

 

Can someone tell me what this is about?

[adamt]

Hi,

 

I am after some advice.

 

girlfriend's mom passed away after a long illness 2 months ago. We were planning to get a house together (she admitted that changed now because she wants to be near her dad) but as her mum got worse she started to push me away and nit picking at things i did which never seemed a problem before. She started going to the gym and losing weight.I assumed it was just because of the stress.

 

A month ago she wanted a time to think so i gave her space. 3 days later she text me to see if i was ok. i replied saying yes just getting on with things. then after 2 weeks she emailed me to say she missed me,thinking of me and needed time to sort out where we were going wrong and so i said the same back. then 2 weeks later she initiated meeting. i was expecting us to get back together but she said she wanted to split up

 

She broke up with me last weekend saying she thinks we missed our time and her head is all over the place and wants to spend time looking after her dad and it is not fair on me to keep me waiting as there is no time scale on when she will be back to normal. She said she tends to deal with situations by bottling things up and wishes we had talked more about how we feel sooner.Now she has set her status as single on facebook.

 

I've gone into NC mode so that i can move on and if she still loves me it will come back once she is better at getting over her mum, After reading this thread i will stick it out. But her birthday is coming up in 10 days and not sure if i should send a normal birthday card. on one hand i want NC but i want to send a card because she is finding it hard dealing with her mom's death. I'm stuck between 2 stools on what is best.

 

Is she just grieving and this is her way to deal with it or has she been wanting to split up for a while and feel now is the time to change her life.

 

Thanks

[AmandaB]

Im in the same position. What did you end up doing? Did you send the card or not? I have until June 27th to figure it out. He dumped me after 6 years of relationship and 8 years friendship just almost 3 weeks ago. We have not spoken since. I am sticking to NC but his b-day is coming up and i dont know what to do.

[Leveller]

Everyone, I thought I would share my story. It may bring insight and it might provoke questions. Any thoughts people have on my situation would be much appreciated. I will try and keep it short.

 

I am a 36 year old man, my ex a 44 year old woman. I lost my job in Sept and have been out of work since but as a Dr. I hope to be in a well paid job sooner than later. Anyway this caused problems for us naturally. Anyway we split in February after a good year together and she started seeing someone else straight away. I stayed in the picture, and spent time/slept together irregularly, until two weeks ago when I told her I had to get out of the picture and would go NC.

 

In the last few months I have done a lot of soul searching and am generally a better person-enough for her to say 'If you were like you are now we would never have split'. So LC helped me for her to see the changes I had made for myself. Nevertheless things have been difficult (as the third party now) and I get the whole mixed messages and BS cr*p from her. This was the main reason I removed myself from the picture-she was also getting a big ego boost from the chasing. She wanted to stay as we were.

 

She says she really likes this guy but they have argued repeatedly and have gone NC for upto a week and on one occasion not seen each other for a fortnight. I know there is unfinished business between us and we will almost certainly get together down the tracks at some point and that there is doubt in her mind-she has CP, doesn't know what she wants and is confused (her words). To illustrate she told her best friend she was coming with me to Rome in December about three weeks ago after spending a good portion of the week with me and then went back to her new man-everyone (except her it seems) thought we were getting back together.

 

In the last few months of the relationship and until recently she COULDN'T see us working-past tense-after LC I get the 'If you were like you are now we would never have split'. I am looking at things more long term now, any immediate reconcillation would probably be short lived. So my question is this. What is happening and am I taking the right approach? It's beyond my experience but for my sins I love this woman...Many thanks in advance.

[teressa]

Success from this, for me. I feel way better about myself, I didn't contact him for a week. He ended up getting in touch with me, and had a very good reason for not contacting me (death in the family) (and family staying at his house for the last two weeks!) (and not the most functional family)

 

Things are fine for us now, giving him a little time without me made him realize I think how much he wanted me around. For me it only took a week, and there wasn't anyone else. Sometimes space and time makes things clearer.

 

At any rate it made me feel better about myself, that I realized I could go on without him in my life and be fine. I don't feel as insecure as I did before, knowing that I could do that now.

[AmandaB]

having a terrible day. Fiance of 6 years broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago and I havent heard from him. I have done the NC all the way up until now but have been tempted to contact him. I have not done so though, just have been tempted. He told me that he no longer loved me the way he used to with is like a knife to the chest. He was my best friend. Been crying thoughout the day at work which is no pleasent. I feel weak. We had a huge fight a week before he broke up with me that I blame myself for. I even made him cry but pictures surfaced of him with an other girl on his lap. It made me upset. I know that he had been pulling away for months now, it was not the fight that did it but I still blame myself. It is normal for couples to fight isnt it?! I dont know anybody who doesnt. This was thought about and planned long before the fight. I am just having a very bad day. :sad:

[adamt]

Im in the same position. What did you end up doing? Did you send the card or not? I have until June 27th to figure it out. He dumped me after 6 years of relationship and 8 years friendship just almost 3 weeks ago. We have not spoken since. I am sticking to NC but his b-day is coming up and i dont know what to do.

 

I sent a card. her birthday is today. i sent a plain card and just wished her happy birthday. i've done NC for last 2 weeks. glad i sent it but i dont seem to be bothered about getting a response anymore.

 

spent 2 weeks thinking through the break up and come to the conclusion that she has changed after her moms illness and probably not a lot i could have done. she has become obsessed with going to the gym and losing wright last 5 months. she became more selfish. little things that never bothered her before became a problem. she used to be happy just hanging out and chilling with me, then she wanted to hang out in a crowd

 

I could have done things differently but in the bigger picture probably not changed things. A Life changing experience for her losing her mom and wants to start a new chapter in her life and go from a homely settled girl to more of a party girl. She seems a different girl to the one i went out with in the first 2 years.

 

Feel tonight i am finally moving on. NC eventually helps to see things clearly

[AmandaB]

Oh wow. My fiance, sorry ex, did the same thing but for different reasons. He went away to law school 2,000 miles away. I couldnt afford to go visit him anymore and he met new people and decided that wanted to be selfish and couldnt give up that party life and be here with me. He is no longer in law school and those friends are no longer in the same town but ever since he met a certain group of friends he changed. Going out and hanging with your friends is now more important. What he doesnt know is that gets old. A day will come when those friends will no longer be there and the bar scene is no longer attractive but I will have moved on, hopefully. Its been three weeks since we broke up. I was the one who was always there for him, when he got bad grades and through many personal issues. These friends will not be. He has alot of growing up to do. My dad died when I was 18 and I wish that I had someone around when he died. Im not trying to justify anything but the loss of a parent is very difficult and many people handle it differently. Some resort to anger, some to drinking and partying, some just withdraw. Its hard to say.

I have not had contact with him since that fatefull day and I know im not supposed to think this but I hope that the old saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" takes affect, for him. I cherish the people who love me because you never know when they might be gone. He needs to learn that the hard way I guess. Anyways, take care.

[adamt]

I've come to realise that there was little i could have done to prevent her changing. I may have stopped doing certain things or improved in otherways but it was never going to stop her changing if that was meant to happen. If you want to be with someone you work through ironing out the problems. she says she wishes we had talked more but then she never wanted to open up in the last 6 months.

 

seen new photos of her on facebook yesterday and just doesnt seem the same person i knew 8 months ago. Seems a stranger when i think what she is like now compared to when we first starting going out 3 years ago.

 

I can now see in the last 4 months of our relationship she wasnt happy and probably getting ichy feet. I've just got to stop beating myself up on thinking it was me when she has changed so much. She wants her own space and no boyfriend to worry about. i think the only man she wants in her life at the minute is looking after her dad.

[darryl316]

Hey superdave,

my gf of 1 year and 2 months, asked for a break 4 days ago. She said feelings for me have faded and basically we should be single. Then she says were not breaking up though, its just that shes confused.

Now the thing is she keeps texting and calling me, but up until today i have stopped responding to her, because she keeps calling but only talks like im just a "friend", so i told her look you wanted this, so im giving you ur space, contact me when u make a decision about us. Now she keeps calling but i dont pick up. Should i pick up next time? Its only been a day of me completely freezing her out. im thinking if she wanted to tell me she wants to get back together she would atleast leave a message, text me (instead of just saying hey), or send me a message on myspace..what do you think dave?

 

Heres my thread if u want to see what we have spoken about and such

 

[eddiewouldgo]

It's been 8 days now since my ex broke up with me. We had been together for 2 years. We had our ups and downs as every couple did, but we loved each other so much. Our first year we were at university together, but the second I had left uni, so we saw each other every few weeks. It wasn't easy but we made it work, and knew that when she finished uni in a year's time we'd be together. Her reason for the brake up was she couldn't handle the pressure of the long distance relationship even though she still loved me. It still hurts so much. I've been strong the last 5 days and have not contacted her. But it's such hard work, I just want to speak to her so much and win her back, but everywhere people say I have to leave her for now. I just wish I could see two months down the line that we were back together. I've found it really helpful writing to her. I've written 10,000 words in a few days. I've got no intensions of sending it to her, but it feels like I'm speaking to her so it helps a lot. I've even written her some poems! I don't think I should send her those either. Is there any advice for what I can do for the moment? And if she contacts or IM's me can I contact her back?

[crossroads1]

How's it all going for you now? I am in a similar situation - obviously all relationships are different, but I am in the post-break up and also want my partner back. I am not contacting and, as excrutiating as it is, it does give me a sense of control - that is all I can do right now and I hope and pray every day that we are together again soon. Sometimes couples need time apart to realise what they have and want they want; I know of a few people who have been through break-ups and are now together and stronger. Try to stay strong, I know I am but I also know how hard it is.

[bexcelant]

Only works if you got dumped. If you did the dumping or if the relationship is in the new phase or going from friends to more...doesn't work.

[bexcelant]

SuperDave's advice is perfect for those who got their heart stabbed and shattered into a million pieces by a dumper. Even then, complete no contact doesn't work because one must expect to get bloodied up a little if you want to win back your love. Leave them alone and although they will never forget you, they also will move on with their lives leaving you wondering if they will ever come back. Engage them and keep the lines of communication open if you are able to take it. I still think a 4-8 week cooling off period is good and perhaps longer to get your head straight and your emotions right. Don't be afraid to live life and make new friends and date new people.

 

For guys, if your girl is dating another man, think of going back in as entering enemy territory. You are going back in to gather intelligence. As I said before, do this if only you can tolerate heartbreak and are able to play the game. If you can't then stay away.

 

Think of yourself as the White Knight. If you are the knight, you will be able to fight and not be afraid to get bloodied up in the process. If you aren't the White Knight and you are afraid to pick up the sword, then stay the hell away and wait and see if you lady comes back in the future.

[PinkLotus]

BUMP! Someone was looking for this post. =)

[lostandunhappy]

And what a great post it is, shame SD is not around here anymore helping people out.

[mikeca]

One of my favourite posts

[lovinlife]

i finally got through reading all the pages of this string. good stuff!!

[tni105]

Good post, and so many people joined in. I kinda wish people came back and gave their conclusions though, it really makes me curious about the ratio of people whose ex's actually came and worked it out and the ratio of those just moved on.

[heartbroken100]

What if you are trying to go NC but the ex keeps contacting you even though they ended it. Just ignore them and fall off the face of the earth? If they try over and over to contact and you don't respond won't they finally just give up and think that you don't want to speak to them anymore? Just curious what everyone thinks.

[adamboy]

I think the above to be the most rationale straightforward post on this forum...playing hardball "no contact" games is a road to nowhere in most cases unless your purpose is to truly move on and forget and them forget you..if you want to get an ex back you have to be prepared to enter the battle not run away from it.It is like a game of chess...

 

Yes you might feel like you have contol but it is an illusion because during the time what you really are wanting is your lover to return (and that is why most people come here despite the lofty claims of it being all about getting yourself back...and to which everyone pays lip service..yes this aspect is important you did need yourself back (and you should never have lost it to begin with)...and you do need to work on those areas of character that you fall down in, if you do that is...but if you have a substantial emotional control (what needs work on first for many people...and the thoughts,self talk that drive these emotions) then you can pick and choose your own amount of avaibility and contact...your own responses to your ex partners questions and so on...an initial period of no contact does no harm and helps infact.It keep you from not doing these crucial no-no's ...pleading,begging,trying to cajole and convince.emotional blackmail ,angry outbursts and all the many other undignified behaviors...it also help in getting your partner to miss you and possibly reassess the situation and this is exactly what you want...every relationship involves comprimise and so too it's reconcilliation...your ex is very unlikely going to suddenly say in one fell swoop "oh I love you madly and want you back right now this minute" in fact her/him wanting you back will come about gradually...initial no contact paves the way but hard ball "no contact" holding out for everthing you want and when you want it is a mugs game in most instances ...you wont get your partner back on your time frame but in theirs and you can definetly help this along.

 

Holding out for your ex to meet your specific conditions or issuing ultimatums is "not letting go" but actually holding on tighter than ever and thats exactly how your ex will see it and more importantly feel it.