Trying to maintain friendships

[Alex39]

I have two best friends that I've had for over 10 years. We met in college. 

I'm someone who wants to be comfortable with my friends. I will be extremely loyal to them. And I like to spend time with them. Not constantly, but I feel like, how can you stay friends if you don't see each other and know about each other's lives. 

My one friend lives about 40 minutes away from me in the same state. She has a home, a husband, and an 18 month old child. 

When she was having the child, she was all excited and talking to me constantly. And we were close. She was all about me being "Auntie"

An Auntie to me, is someone close to the child. Someone who watches the child grow up. Does activities with the child. Is like family. My aunt was super close to me growing up. And I have so many memories with her. I was so excited to be Auntie to my friends child. 

Ever since she has had the child, I barely see her and I feel really disconnected from the child's life. My friend never invites me over. My friend will invite me to the child's birthday, once a year. I maybe see the child two to three times a year. I don't think the child knows me. I feel like I'm missing her growing up. My friend never asks to make plans with me. 

I'm always the one asking to make plans with her. And I've gotten so tired of the one-sided asking that I've given up asking.  

Months back my friend asked me to be her plus one at a wedding. I asked why her husband wasn't going. She said how he had to watch their child. I then offered to watch the child for them, so they could go to the wedding. I'm a very responsible person and great with children.  My friend said no, and that her daughter isn't socialized and acts up when she isn't with them. My friend keeps her constantly sheltered at home and many people have been making comments that her child needs to be out around other people more. So I go to the wedding with her, thinking we're going to have an awesome night. And we could connect as friends.  I spend hours getting dressed up. 

We barely stay much after the dinner and my friend insists we go home because hee husband is uncomfortable watching the child and wants her home. 

I was kind of irritated. I thought the whole reason I attended was so he could watch the child. She's almost 2 years old. So we went home. I put in all this effort for nothing. 

Now when I suggest us making plans together, she always insists we go to her house or near her house. She promotes that she has to be at home at 11am to put her child down for a nap. So we can't be out at 11am at all. Then she puts her down at 6pm to bed, so if we're out, she races home before 6 to get her to bed. I've never seen anything like this. My mom always took me out and if I slept in the carriage or in the car, it was fine. So now when we do make plans, I'm always traveling the 40 minutes to her home and we can't really go anywhere. 

I don't feel we have much of a friendship anymore and I don't feel much like an Auntie. 

Our other friend - we are a trio of women, recently moved 12 hours away by car to another state with her husband. 

I remember being sad and telling her how we'd barely see her. She promised that if we gave her notice, she'd come up for birthdays and events and she wouldn't miss them. Well that hasn't happened. I told her way ahead of time for my birthday, she didn't come.  My friend invited her ahead for the child's birthday, she didn't come. 

Now her new thing is telling us- hey I'm going to be in town these days if you guys want to see me. 

This rubs me the wrong way. So essentially,  drop everything if you want to see me. And she always comes to town when I'm working during the week. 

I want to see her and I want to remain close, but I feel like I'm chasing her. Now she's having a baby and I feel a bit insulted. She moves away, we barely see her, she won't comes for any events for us, but is already planning to come up here to have a baby shower and wants all of us to shower her with gifts for it, for her to then travel back home and to not be seen. It's weird. 

I really want to be close to my friends, but I feel like they don't care. I care about deep friendship and we have such history. I don't know how to repair this void that seems to be there. 

The out of town friend is coming to town tomorrow. I offered us to do a breakfast, since I work in the afternoon. Of course, we have to go to the mom's house because the child can't be away from home. I said I'll be there at 9, since I can only stay a couple hours and must get to my job. The out of town girl is like "Oh well I can only be there at 11." Thats essentially when I have to leave. 

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other. It's like they are all out for themselves. 

I have my job, I can't help that. 

But I am trying and willing to try to see her. 

I don't know what to do and if I should even go. I'd be driving 40 minutes there and back to see my friend and her baby, and my out of town friend for maybe a half hour. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

 .Now she's having a baby and I feel a bit insulted. She moves away, we barely see her, she won't comes for any events for us, . If course, we have to go to the mom's house because the child can't be away from home. I said I'll be there at 9, since I can only stay a couple hours and must get to my job. The out of town girl is like Oh well I can only be there at 11. Thats essentially when I have to leave. 

Unfortunately seems like life changes, priorities, schedules and geography have changed a lot since college. You've understandably grown apart.

Sorry to say, but old college pals and their work schedules don't come before the responsibility of being a parent,so if you're "insulted" or it's inconvenient for you to see these people, make new single local friends you don't resent. 

[MissCanuck]

Do you have any friends that you actually like and don't complain about? 

 

[Seraphim]

Once you have kids and a family they are number one priority. That is the way it is . 

[boltnrun]

58 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

wants all of us to shower her with gifts

Did she say this or is this how you're interpreting the situation?  Just because someone hosts a baby shower doesn't mean they expect to be bombarded with presents.  I didn't.

Alex, I've said it over and over (and so have many others)...you are spending SO much time being jealous and resentful of others because they have what you want for yourself.  How is that working out for you?  Does being "hurt" and jealous and critical make you feel better?  Does it improve your life?

I get these women have been your friends for years, but circumstances change.  Most of the friends I've had for a long time are far away or busy with other things.  Just because I'm divorced and single and have more availability doesn't mean they should prioritize seeing me over whatever else they have going on.

Instead of criticizing out of jealousy or bemoaning how it's not like the old days anymore, how about finding ways to meet new people?  There must be dozens of young women your age who are single or who don't have children and share your interests in baking, homemaking and whatever else you're interested in. 

In my city there are many businesses that host events that are women-friendly.  I just found out about a women's walking group.  I will be joining that group.  There is a business within walking distance that hosts "wellness" events.  Other businesses host macrame classes, mosaic classes, individual dance events, cooking classes...the lists goes on and on. 

Unless you live in some small remote town that has nothing going on, you too could join in on all the fun.  But you have to make an effort.

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other. It's like they are all out for themselves. 

They are prioritizing their children over their friendships.  This is very true.  And it's as it should be.

Lives change, and we must adapt to those changes.

These are the friends of your youth.  They will probably move into the seldom-see category, but if you act with grace, they will be forever friends.  Just not the close 3 Musketeers of your younger selves.

As for being an Auntie, all that sounds so fun, until the baby comes, new mommy hasn't slept in weeks, baby is always hungry, dirty, crying, doctor visits...and the movie star version of 3 best friends being Auntie's to each other's children goes out the window.  Gwyneth Paltrow isn't starring in this version.

Give these friends the grace they deserve.

And yes, if you want to be in a child's life, it's up to you to make the effort, not the worn out mom.

I've watched dozens of women, including my family members, become moms, so I'll say this once:  

         How DARE you judge the way they mother their children.

[Alex39]

I'm not asking them to choose husband's or children over me. It's more, when we do hangout, it's not a priority. I do prioritize my friends. I feel like a friend of convenience. They love when I'm there for them, for wedding and showers, but otherwise I'm not cared about. 

I also feel very out of place. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends and I hate feeling like odd one out. Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

And that still might not change anything.  Just because you would all have kids doesn't mean you'll all be spending a lot of time together.  What if their kids are into things your kids aren't?  What if they're into hunting and fishing and your kids are into soccer or band?  That wouldn't mean they're rejecting you.

I get that your focus is on yourself but it's unrealistic to expect others to focus on you.

Also, you are excellent at completely ignoring the great advice you're given.  Your talent at tunnel vision is top notch. Why do you refuse to even acknowledge the advice people give you?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

That's your own choice to be jealous and resent them. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you have any friends that you actually like and don't complain about? 

^^Took the words....

Alex, I would have thought you might have learned something from the responses you've received on all your other threads, and I don't mean to be harsh... but girl you need to get over yourself if you're gonna make it in this world. 

You gotta learn that not everything nor everyone revolves around YOU.

My very best friend since third grade and I see each other once a YEAR, sometimes longer, we talk either on email or on phone maybe three times a YEAR.

We live completely different lives and we each respect each other's lives.  There is no whining that we haven't talked or seen each other, no resentment OR taking it personally.

That is NOT being a friend Alex.

When we do finally catch up, it's like no time passed.

Not sure if this will get through, you may not even read it.  But I do encourage to read each and every post on this thread and all your others....

Get out of your own negative mindset and try to understand how your own resentment and negativity is preventing you from being truly happy from within and living your best life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I also feel very out of place. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends and I hate feeling like odd one out. Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

Why can't you accept these friends and the lives they've chosen, still keep them as friends while making NEW friends?

Friends with whom you DO share commonalities and fit with better? 

I'll say it again, you need to learn to LET GO.

I mean no disrespect but you seem so rigid in your thought process, lacking empathy and understanding.  

Being open and flexible to change are such great and important qualities.  As is acceptance. 

Are you in some sort of therapy?  

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other.

Yeah, welcome to 30s lol

Priorities change. You cant expect somebody with a husband and a small kid to be available that much. In 20s its different because you may or may not have job and a family so you have more time to go out and see friends. In 30s, its way different. You are expected to found a job and have a career, you maybe find your SO and even have kids. There is no time to see your friends that much. Lots of mine havent settle down completely yet so I still see them. The once that did settle down? You are lucky to see them once a year. So, get used to it and find somebody else to hang out with.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

How DARE you judge the way they mother their children.

Oh bless you. And thank you.  Until age 2 my son only napped in his crib and if he fell asleep in the car because we were late getting back I transferred him or waited it out in the car.  Fine if others carted their child around and he napped whereever -no judgment from me if that worked for them.  It did not work for me or our son. I was strict about naps and he benefited by being well rested and perhaps it's also why the first time he had a fever post-birth (had one at birth) was at age 2.   One time I declined a friend's invite to her pool for the day because of the nap schedule. She said "but around here they just put their babies in the stroller when it's nap time" so I said "yes and we don't do that" and suggested an alternative plan.

Another time a friend of a friend in our new city invited us  to dinner.  I said -we can't do dinner since our baby's bedtime is 8pm but we can meet for lunch or coffee or even at a playground (they had somewhat older kids -no more naps). So she commented how great it was that I kept him on a sleep schedule.  And didn't accept alternative plans I offered or contact me ever again.  Sorry not sorry.  I did not do sitters except very rarely and we had no family to watch the baby.  I chose when he was an infant not to attend my friend's event where I had the opportunity to meet and talk with a very famous politician because my husband wasn't comfortable checking on our infant (SIDs risks) as often as I would have liked in the 8-10 hours I'd be away.  So I didn't go.  Yes I regretted a bit but I was terrified of SIDs and wanted to check on him the way I was comfortable.

Yes Alex - I wasn't only focused on Mom Friends and indeed I stayed friends with anyone I was close to no matter the gender or marital status but I can tell you in the 15 years or so when I was single/childless and my friends and sister started having kids I accommodated all their schedules so I could see them and I never ever questioned if they declined an offer to babysit by me - I had a lot of experience and had been a teacher of ages 2-12 BUT I totally got how sensitive and personal a thing babysitting a young child can be. I deferred to the parents completely and I highly suggest you should too.

How would you like it if your friend tried to get you not  to do your job the way you should -to leave work early to come out with her and miss a deadline or get all drunk and hungover and show up at work not nearly your best self on an important day at work. Think about it. 

Yes I think your reactions warrants my numerous personal anecdotes. I'm a little frustrated at how tone deaf and judgey  you come across at times.  Maybe this will help??

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Until I get married and have children I won't fit in with them. 

You'll still find reasons to criticize and judge them, so it's unlikely getting married and having children will improve your friendships. 

People seem to distance themselves from you. They're not all that busy all the time. If you don't hear from people often, well, you're probably not as great to be around as you think. 

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I just feel like no one is prioritizing friendship or really seeing each other. It's like they are all out for themselves. 

I have my job, I can't help that. 

Why not use some of your PTO time to prioritize your friendships whenever they make this possible?

I dunno, Alex. You sound shortsighted and only focused on finding fault to keep yourself miserable. When my friends and cousins were saddled with young children, I was always the 'free' one to travel where they live. I never minded reaching out to make the plans, because I was more flexible, and I worked around their schedules. 

A mother's priorities are her children and her husband. Wherever she can fit me in is my pleasure, not my resentment. Have I ever gotten a bit bored sometimes or annoyed by their household chaos? Sure, but it was never about resenting my friend for the changes in her life. The landscape of our friendship changed, and I adapted until my own priorities changed and became my focus--only to be pleasantly surprised whenever an old friend's focus was liberated as their children grew, and I found myself once again prioritized to whatever degree. What a blessing!

You're the one who's responsible for maintaining the contacts that are important to YOU. It's natural for friendships to diverge over the course of life while each must adjust their focus. Maturity requires that we either adapt to this, or otherwise lose the thread that had once connected us in the past. I've dropped some of those threads, not out of resentment, but because my own priorities shifted. Thankfully, these friends understood this, and we picked up again when it was possible for us both to do so.

You do you, but as usual, you sound focused on keeping yourself miserable rather than grateful for what you CAN do with the people you supposedly love.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

We barely stay much after the dinner and my friend insists we go home because hee husband is uncomfortable watching the child and wants her home. 

I was kind of irritated. ... I put in all this effort for nothing. 

Of course you were irritated, it's your default. You were included in a lovely wedding to share happiness and joyous energy, you were treated to a nice dinner with your friend who you supposedly love, but it was all for nothing?

That's your own sour voice doing it's usual hatchet job, and it's no surprise why you remain joyless and potentially friendless.

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Now her new thing is telling us- hey I'm going to be in town these days if you guys want to see me. 

This rubs me the wrong way. So essentially,  drop everything if you want to see me. And she always comes to town when I'm working during the week. 

I want to see her and I want to remain close, but I feel like I'm chasing her. Now she's having a baby and I feel a bit insulted.

Of course it rubs you the wrong way, because it's all about you, right? And of course, it's so insulting of her to have a baby!

Do you hear yourself?

People who live 12 hours away typically announce their plans to be in the area so that others CAN shift their plans IF they so desire. What is the alternative? She could send you a private handwritten invitation via pony express, and you'd still balk at the nerve of her to inform you of her travels...

Either take the PTO time to see this person who matters to you, or stop claiming that she matters and get real.

You're learning how difficult it has become to make new friends. Part of this might be the lack of generosity of spirit others can sense in you. You have a choice in the lens through which you view others. Unfortunately, you use yours to pick people apart rather than embrace with gratitude the moments you are blessed to be included in their lives. That's your choice, and as you've probably noticed, your choices have not been serving you well.

Rethink.

[Batya33]

I promise you Alex even if you find yourself part of the Mom Club you won't find true closeness there either -because of what Catfeeder wrote.  They might include you more often out of convenience or need - some groups barter/take turns babysitting for each other etc - but toting your adorable baby along and perhaps a wedding ring won't change your inside perspective and mindset a la what Catfeeder wrote.  

I have a judgey mom friend.  I tolerate it because I like a lot else about her, I have my boundaries and sometimes I call her out on it like assuming that her friend's son didn't choose the more competitive high school he got into because he must be "lazy" or that another family presumably has lots of $$$$ to spend on X they "should have" spent $ on because they have extended family help with finances.  And on an on.  But I then can't be as close  to her.  There are a number of things I have kept from her/not shared with her about our son etc because I don't want to be judged or have it shared with anyone else.  I like her and it really limits our friendship.  I do know the source of her negativity and bitterness and I feel for her -but at the same time I feel for me too and hence we never will be that close on my end.  On her end she says she likes me (say this  to me) because I truly listen to her and am supportive.

Oh and by the way according to you she has the holy grail - lovely and smart, successful and kind husband, two adorable kids, house in the burbs and planning to upgrade soon, sons are in team sports so she gets to be Sports Mom and she doesn't work outside the home right now and gets to do all the things with school, sports, planning parties, etc.  And she's had serious challenges in her extended family and life -challenges and traumas I would not wish on anyone and even motherhood/marriage/house doesn't change that or make it alllll better.  At all.

[boltnrun]

My three closest friends are as follows:  two are married and one is divorced like me but she lives thousands of miles away and NEVER visits my area.  I don't moan about how she doesn't make time for me.  I just plan to fly out to see her when I can and she generously opens her home to me.  We haven't seen one another in person in almost 8 years but I don't take it as a personal slam against me or decide that she doesn't "prioritize" me!  My two friends who are married live out of state.  One of them has traveled twice (with his spouse) to see me and now it's my turn, so I will be visiting them next year.  My other good friend who's married will not, and I mean WILL NOT, go anywhere without her husband.  She missed my 50th birthday shindig because I had decided it would be "ladies only" and she refused to go unless her husband was welcome.  So she missed it 🤷‍♀️  I would have liked for to be there but she chose not to be.  And when I visit her city her husband MUST come along when we get together.  Hey, her husband is a neat guy so it doesn't bother me one bit.  I don't operate the same way, but their marriage is their business.  Not mine.

Are you willing to do anything about meeting new people?  Are you willing to accept people as they are?  Can you break this constant habit of insisting the world do things YOUR way?  Can you let go of the jealousy, resentment and constant looking for hidden insults and rejections? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

The out of town friend is coming to town tomorrow. I offered us to do a breakfast, since I work in the afternoon. . I said I'll be there at 9, since I can only stay a couple hours and must get to my job. 

Your friends seem pretty accommodating to do an inconvenient "breakfast", so it's unclear what you feel everyone should work around you, yet your the victim of supposedly unappreciative friends. 

 There seems to be a common theme of you slaving away and sacrificing, but often you seem to want everything to be as inexpensive and convenient for you as possible. 

[LootieTootie]

Again, everyone giving solid advices to you, Alex. And again... I'm pretty sure you will ignore everyone's advices.

Alex, do you ever ask yourself "Why do I keep getting the same results in my life?"

Einstein once said...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your friends seem pretty accommodating to do an inconvenient "breakfast", so it's unclear what you feel everyone should work around you, yet your the victim of supposedly unappreciative friends. 

 There seems to be a common theme of you slaving away and sacrificing, but often you seem to want everything to be as inexpensive and convenient for you as possible. 

Your friends who are mothers have a job too.  I have to get my son to his bus stop by 7:40am and it's a mile walk.  If we miss it there are options that are really inconvenient and/or $$$$ (thanks to a rideshare company now driving minors on their own -he's 15). 

Anyway my husband is -awesome-and has offered many times if needed to drive him to the bus stop.  This would involve him getting up 2-3 hours earlier, and he very often has to drive far out to the school for afternoon carpool.  Therefore, I severely limit when I impose (terrible weather, an important medical appointment, etc) and meeting a friend for breakfast likely would not be one of those times unless it was a really special occasion or my husband insisted (he loves when I get to see friends from our hometown). 

Getting my son to this stop is my morning work and it has a specific time and deadline. I wouldn't take kindly to a person judging me or questioning why my husband  can't get up that early and/or why I can't just spend the $30 or so for the rideshare. Because I wouldn't question someone who said they like to be at their desk by a certain time because their boss prefers in that way.

[Jaunty]

On 4/21/2024 at 6:19 AM, Alex39 said:

 

I'm always the one asking to make plans with her. And I've gotten so tired of the one-sided asking that I've given up asking.  

Ok, then live with the results.   She's not inviting you, you've given up asking, so you've removed yourself.

What's the question?

[Jaunty]

Fault finding, blaming, self pity, grievances, jealousy, bitterness, judging ... 

Alex.  How could it possibly be lovely to spend time with you when this is where you're coming from?   

I'm sincerely sorry to say this - I don't intend to be hurtful (though according to your behavior here on these threads, these things do not even register with you) but you sound like a person that is going to end up being actively avoided.  

EVERY THREAD IS THE SAME.   Your boss.  Your friend's mother.  Your "friends" (frenemies, really).  Your mother.   Your brother's girlfriend.   

This seems almost pathological.  

[itsallgrand]

You are expecting way too much of your friends. Some people you may remain close with, others may drift away. That's totally normal. I don't think you being married and/or kids would change that. I don't have kids, and have lived through many friendships where my friend became a mom. Some drifted, others we found a sweet spot where we both were able to stay in touch and in each other's lives through the years. I'm an "auntie" to some of their kids. It takes both putting in the effort and being flexible, but also, some friendships are just different than others. Some the connection it doesn't matter what is going on in your lives, some are more built on a certain place and time in your lives. It's fine. I agree with rainbow where she said you need to get comfortable letting go more often. It's like you are holding on with clenched fists, not leaving room for things to change. You have to be ok respecting change in people's lives. 

As for what to do, do what you want. Do what you are going to own. Don't go and then hold it against them that it doesn't turn out like you want. Just be genuine! People can sniff out bs a mile away. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Einstein once said...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

^^ Applies to those responding as well imo.  It's how I often feel when responding to the OP's threads -- insane.  

So except for this one last post, I've stopped.  

Honestly Alex (IF you're still reading and listening) I think your issues go beyond what anyone here can help you with.

And those issues are not about your friends, your boss, your mother; those are only symptoms of a much larger "disease" figuratively or perhaps even literally. 

Only a trained professional can determine that and I encourage you to do just that and sort such issues out once and for all.

All the best..