Do I Have A Right To Be Worried About My Younger Sister?

[mylolita]

Good afternoon expansive people of ENA! 
 

I have my own niggle I wanted to put out to a sea of thought here, I wondered if anyone would help?

 

Little back story: My sister is 2 years younger than me, she is 32. Last year she separated from her fiancé of 11 years. They lived together for most of that time and had also bought a house together about 4 years ago. They only got engaged quite recently due to her pestering him and forcing his hand to make the proposal. 
 

I never liked him, ever, right from the beginning. It has caused the hugest rift in our relationship. When I got married at 24, she had only been on and off with him for about a year. My parents hardly knew him, I’d seen him once or twice, and I decided having a tiny wedding of 30 people I wouldn’t be inviting him. This caused the biggest rift ever between her, me and my parents. I stuck to my principles and wouldn’t let him come. She tried to sabotage my day, no joke. She was bitter and horrible and years went where we hardly saw or spoke to each other.

 

When we did get talking in a civil way again, every year or so we’d end up in a fight about him because I used to find it hard to hold my tongue. He never worked for about 8 years solid. She financially supported him. And then, he couldn’t keep the jobs she and my Dad would get for him. He would lie about trading in crypto currency and was a strange, arrogant kinda guy. She always defended him in our arguments. I left her be.

 

They recently broke up for good and she moved a five hour drive away to take out a huge business loan, take a big business risk, and start a new job. 
 

She’s been exceptionally secretive, although she always has been, but recently told my Mum and Dad she is seeing someone who is 50 years old, divorced with a son only 3 years younger than her. They work in the same department.

 

She never told me anything, but she is coming on holiday with us in May (I regret this now instantly!) and I asked her casually about things and she briefly mentioned going easy with this guy but then in the same breath they are twin flames and perfect for each other and he’s the one.

 

Truth is - she seems unstable. And has a real bad habit of picking terrible guys and getting involved in heart break. She is quite immature, I also still see her as my 16 year old little sister. To my fault, I realise this is unfair to her, but I can’t shake this protective worry I have about her, even if we aren’t close. 
 

It’s tough. When she’s spoken about him he sounds so non-serious about her. Suddenly she doesn’t want marriage anymore and definitely no children. She used to want these things, now in the last year, suddenly she mocks marriage and children and scoffs at the thought of a family. She cried to me two years ago about wanting a baby. 
 

It’s all such a head spin for me. I have no way to know what’s the truth.

 

Sorry for the long rant but, what would you do?
 

Support from a distance? Not say a word again for fear of another massive argument? Speak your concern in a civil way and then let her get on and wish her well?

 

How do I stop worrying about her? 
 

I personally don’t like the sound of this guy either, and have just learnt she was talking to him for 3 years whilst with her ex. It makes me suspicious of both their motives. She was happy to maybe emotionally cheat but then blame her ex and tout herself as the hard done by, taken advantage of female? 
 

I just can’t ever know what the truth is, she’s quite fantastical and has lied plenty in the past, especially about being blissfully happy when she really wasn’t.
 

Makes a big sis worry. 
 

I have this horrible feeling one day she’ll commit suicide. I can’t shake it. It’s probably totally irrational but maybe a hint to how much I do worry about her emotional well being and life decisions but am completely powerless to do anything to help her? 
 

Thanks again - phew! 
 

x
 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@mylolita

Big sista here 🙋

And I'm going through something very similar with my sibling with our meeting coming up soon!

I would say focus on what brings you together rather than what sets you apart? For the partner thing, I'd either bring it up once or sit tight and forget about it. But I know it's not easy to do the latter when it's your own sibling involved. If you focus on bringing her close enough to you, she might turn to you when things get emotionally very tough?

[Coily]

Lo,

Well you'll never stop worrying about her. It really sounds like she just adapts her wants and needs to be with the man she's currently seeing. Which you already know that you will never get an answer from her that you can ever fully trust.

With as Dramatic as the tumult has been in the past, do you really want to continue being this invested in her dating life outside of family interactions? I'm thinking keep it light and cordial, and then suddenly have something you almost forgot when she turns to talking about her self inflicted dating woes.

The big problem I see is that she seems to seek this chaos in relationships, it thrills her somehow. That won't change until she wants it to.

Hang in there Lo, patience (supposedly) is a virtue.

 

[Seraphim]

Something I have found with adults even those we love more than anything they are going to do whatever they want . We just have to wash our hands of it and support when we can . 

[mylolita]

42 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@mylolita

Big sista here 🙋

And I'm going through something very similar with my sibling with our meeting coming up soon!

I would say focus on what brings you together rather than what sets you apart? For the partner thing, I'd either bring it up once or sit tight and forget about it. But I know it's not easy to do the latter when it's your own sibling involved. If you focus on bringing her close enough to you, she might turn to you when things get emotionally very tough?

Thank you so so much Dark! 
 

Ohhh it’s not easy being the older one is it?! I think naturally and as children you are told to “take care” “play with” and “look out” for your younger sibling!

 

I still remember the day in Primary School I went across into the “bigger kids” play ground and every 15 minutes would run to the fence separating us and spy through to constantly see if she was okay! She’s always been so shy and so inwards, but she did make her own friends eventually, it never goes away! 
 

 

Ohhh you’re right! I can’t do a single thing! 
 

I actually just had a conversation with her and said generally, I worry, I want her happiness, but I also want her to be following what she really wants to do, not what she thinks she should be doing. I didn’t want to patronise her. I told her no one’s perfect, we all have our problems. Then we get into an argument and I’m throwing my hands up in the air again this afternoon and wish we never talked again! 
 

Ahhh! 
 

Thanks so much for the advice!

 

I wish I’d never booked a Spring holiday with her now! 
 

x

[mylolita]

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

Lo,

Well you'll never stop worrying about her. It really sounds like she just adapts her wants and needs to be with the man she's currently seeing. Which you already know that you will never get an answer from her that you can ever fully trust.

With as Dramatic as the tumult has been in the past, do you really want to continue being this invested in her dating life outside of family interactions? I'm thinking keep it light and cordial, and then suddenly have something you almost forgot when she turns to talking about her self inflicted dating woes.

The big problem I see is that she seems to seek this chaos in relationships, it thrills her somehow. That won't change until she wants it to.

Hang in there Lo, patience (supposedly) is a virtue.

 

I have zero of it Coily so thank you so much I need all I can GET! 🥲

 

Thank you, for your stable and calm advice! It’s all so true. 
 

I’ve just gone and made my first political mistake by trying to tentatively go down the “hope you’re okay how’s things goin?” path and I have handled that about as well as a pig in a China shop. 
 

She’s also just gone and told me a huge family secret I never knew and didn’t want to know and just flippantly thrown it out there and moved on! Now I’m also out in a horrible place of knowing my middle auntie’s estranged and ex druggie son has had a baby. Now apparently me, my sister and my parents all know she is a Grandmother and my sister is like “She’s toxic don’t tell her.”

 

I told her - why did you so freely spill his secret? And why do you do freely put me in this terrible situation where we all know something and for reasons we’ll never be able to fully find out, all have to keep from her?!

 

This is why we don’t get on Coils! 
 

I wish I’d never spoken to her today! First time in about 6 months and we’re already into dirty family secret drama high school chaos! 
 

x

[mylolita]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Something I have found with adults even those we love more than anything they are going to do whatever they want . We just have to wash our hands of it and support when we can . 

Thank you Seraphim,

 

Again, you are so wise and right. 
 

I feel bad and irritated all at the same time. I wish I’d never started chatting to her today. Lesson learnt! I know I’m not perfect, we clash very badly. I should have been mature enough to know this and just see her in May and keep it surface level. 
 

Ugh this is really my bad! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

I am a big sister to a younger brother . I love him dearly and he married an abusive skank from hell. For 25 years my mom and I watched him get routinely abused . When she finally started hitting him he finally left . It is so hard to watch those we love suffer . 

[mylolita]

Just now, Seraphim said:

I am a big sister to a younger brother . I love him dearly and he married an abusive skank from hell. For 25 years my mom and I watched him get routinely abused . When she finally started hitting him he finally left . It is so hard to watch those we love suffer . 

Thanks Seraphim,

 

Oh that must have been so so tough! 
 

My sister is no saint either, I mean, there is much more back story as there always is. She lied for him for over a decade. She kept him away from our family and made excuses why he couldn’t come round to avoid questions and for anyone to know what was really happening. 
 

I also highly suspect she was cheating on him towards the last 3-4 years of them buying their house and living together. 
 

She also talks to him like trash and went from having nothing but great things to say about him for 11 years to, he’s worse than muck and it’s all his fault. I think she is at least half to blame if not more.

 

I have some major trust issues with her. I imagine your brother, you could probably understand he wasn’t lying when he spoke to you? With my sister, I’m never sure. Reality is what she wants to make it, she picks and chooses what kind of image she projects until it really does fall apart and she can no longer fan the flames of fantasy. My Mum and Dad I think through ignorance, love and blind willingness bury their heads in the sand and see her as walking on water. Nothing is ever her fault.

 

It’s a strange family dynamic! 
 

Families huh! Phew! So draining at times and over Easter, ironically, I have had just the best and most connecting and heart warming time with some of my family. It’s all been so bitter sweet. 
 

I’ll let her do her thing, vow to not pass comment or try to help or advise. I understand often people do not want that and after all, she is 32 now, not 12, although sadly for me, I can’t stop seeing her that way! 🥲

 

x

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@mylolita

Big sista here 🙋

And I'm going through something very similar with my sibling with our meeting coming up soon!

I would say focus on what brings you together rather than what sets you apart? For the partner thing, I'd either bring it up once or sit tight and forget about it. But I know it's not easy to do the latter when it's your own sibling involved. If you focus on bringing her close enough to you, she might turn to you when things get emotionally very tough?

Can I ask also Dark, what the issue is or dynamic between you and your younger sibling? 
 

It’s sometimes comforting to know just from what you wrote, that I’m not alone here shaking my head and wondering if I’m going nutso back here! 
 

x

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Thanks Seraphim,

 

Oh that must have been so so tough! 
 

My sister is no saint either, I mean, there is much more back story as there always is. She lied for him for over a decade. She kept him away from our family and made excuses why he couldn’t come round to avoid questions and for anyone to know what was really happening. 
 

I also highly suspect she was cheating on him towards the last 3-4 years of them buying their house and living together. 
 

She also talks to him like trash and went from having nothing but great things to say about him for 11 years to, he’s worse than muck and it’s all his fault. I think she is at least half to blame if not more.

 

I have some major trust issues with her. I imagine your brother, you could probably understand he wasn’t lying when he spoke to you? With my sister, I’m never sure. Reality is what she wants to make it, she picks and chooses what kind of image she projects until it really does fall apart and she can no longer fan the flames of fantasy. My Mum and Dad I think through ignorance, love and blind willingness bury their heads in the sand and see her as walking on water. Nothing is ever her fault.

 

It’s a strange family dynamic! 
 

Families huh! Phew! So draining at times and over Easter, ironically, I have had just the best and most connecting and heart warming time with some of my family. It’s all been so bitter sweet. 
 

I’ll let her do her thing, vow to not pass comment or try to help or advise. I understand often people do not want that and after all, she is 32 now, not 12, although sadly for me, I can’t stop seeing her that way! 🥲

 

x

My brother is pretty dead honest but he is very very private . His wife kept him isolated from everyone so she could abuse him . He wasn’t allowed to see us most of the time . 
 

Hahsha I see my brother for his age . He is 54 and towers over me and has since he was 15. But I still call him baby brother . 

[catfeeder]

I'd learn from experience with sis that she views you as a sibling rival, and that you are one person from whom she will not accept criticism. When you raise it, it locks her down harder, and she embeds herself deeper into the problem.

People tend to believe what comes out of their own mouth. They can often even convince themselves that a lie is the truth. So when you badmouthed the last BF, she defended him, and she ended up believing her own defense. You created a 'Romeo and Juliet' scenario where, in her isolated position, she clung more tightly to the BF, and viewed the two of them together as "Us against the world..."

So what could have run it's course in a reasonably short time with a family in whom she felt she could confide, instead it felt more urgent and possibly passionate. She felt ostracized and humiliated, and she spent the next 11 years trying to force a fit with this guy to save face.

I'd avoid creating another face-saving condition for sis. You love her, which means you'll want to help her feel that you are on her side instead of competing with her to be 'right'. We can't prevent our loved ones from making mistakes, but we can offer them a safe place to confide and work through their mistakes instead of hiding them from us. 'Tough love' interventions are reserved for exiling those who can take us down by creating dangerous conditions with substance abuse or criminal activity that presents a risk to us physically or financially. Applying tough love too rigidly to every poor life choice only ostracizes a loved one and pushes them beyond our reach to help.

So rather than operate from a place of what she perceives as, "I was right, and I will forever feel justified in 'correcting' your lousy judgment...", I would offer her some humility and vulnerability.  I'd express how sorry I am that I made her feel so isolated in the past, and I will never do that to her again. I love her, and I want her to know that she can speak with me, and I won't impose my choices on her. She can think out loud with me and weigh things and try out her own conclusions instead of feeling a need to defend against my judgment. This requires patience for the long run, but it allows HER to speak the negatives, so she can believe them. 

[Batya33]

Nothing much to add to Seraphim and Catfeeder and other wise advice other than I am sorry you are in this frustrating situation.  Also I think I know the answer but -for context -is it just  you two or are there other sibs? 

[Starlight925]

Agree completely with @catfeeder.

Your sister will dig her heels in further, the more you speak up. 
  
She sees you as this person who sits on a high horse as a judge, even though that’s not your intention.  

  Shift your focus to be her friend.  Her equal.  She’s an adult, so treat her as such, like a new friend.

   It’s so hard to watch those we love making horrible decisions, but sometimes we have to choose between being right or having them in our lives. 

[Kwothe28]

Something I found out is that we cant stop people from hitting the head against the wall if they want to do that. No matter how hard we try. Your sister is a messy person by itself. And they have a knack in finding equally messy people as partners. There is no "cure" for that. She is not a kid, she is a 32 year old adult responsible for her actions. Even if anything happens to her, it wont be your fault. It would be hers. You are right to be worried as she does mess up her life quite a bit. But again, I dont think you can stop her hitting that wall. That is her decision.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey Lolita.....

First off to answer your thread title, YES you have every right to be worried about your sis, to care about her and love her despite your differences and despite your acrimonious relationship.

THAT you have no control over, they're your feelings.  What you DO have control over is how you choose to interact with her and respond to how she chooses to live her life. 

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Something I found out is that we cant stop people from hitting the head against the wall if they want to do that. No matter how hard we try.

I agree with this^^.  I would suggest NOT even trying.  Typically it will work against you versus causing a rift between them such that she ends things.

I've had to do this several times in my life, with friends and family, it's NOT easy!

Like I know they're about to make a big mistake, but I also know if I express that, I will be viewed upon as  "controlling, jealous, negative, unsupportive."

Even on this forum it happens; ya just gotta let people, even deeply cherished loved ones, experience things for themselves and be there for them if/when they need you to be and/or if the whole thing blows up in smoke.

But you can still care deeply, of course you have that right, but as you suggested yourself, perhaps from a distance.  

Good luck!  You're a good sister! I hope for her sake, and yours, someday she will realize that, value it and cherish it. 😍 

 

 

[Andrina]

You can see that you voicing your opinion in the past didn't work out for the best, so it's likely not to work again.

I and a few mutual friends tried to talk sense into our friend, who is no longer a friend, about her regular choice of toxic men to no avail. I also have never gotten through to one of my problematic daughters and now only keep our conversation to trivial things like TV shows and books.

As said, she might even act like a rebellious teen and hang on to the older guy longer for spite, when she might've dumped him earlier "if not for those meddling know-it-alls." ha ha

I would keep your conversations light while on vacation. Keep it as a goal as trying to have a good sibling relationship. She has shelter. She's not being physically abused. It's good for the moment if she's not rushing into marriage nor having kids because that would be even more stressful with her rocky union.

If she brings up any issue with the guy and asks your opinion, I'd not speak of this particular guy at all. I'd keep it as general statements. Some examples:

I can only say my own personal rule is that I need to feel like a priority in my relationship. Think of some instances of what you do for him and what he does for you, and you can determine if it feels fair and satisfying to you.

My friend just told me about her must-have list and her dealbreaker list. This is what she said . . . Maybe if you come up with your own list, it'll help you in your decisions.

(That way of speaking gives her the power of thought that will come from her, so that she's in the driver's seat.)

You're not alone in caring for people you wish you could shake sense into. I'm a work in progress in biting my tongue.

 

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy your vacation with the family. Life has a lot less drama when everyone stays in their own lane. 

[yogacat]

Awe - I can feel the deep concern you have for your younger sister in your post. You really love her so.

As you’ve rightly stated, you are absolutely powerless and I am hoping a realization of that truth will bring some kind of comfort to you. Your sister has to walk her own journey and learn her lessons. It may be frustrating for you to watch her do this but it’s simply out of your hands.

The truth is this - many times we think we are doing things right but our actions are far from the truth of what is really going on within our lives. Either way, experience does teach us.

I will say, what can help you right now is to learn to bring empathy to your own thoughts and feelings around this subject matter. In other words, acknowledge the voice that has your ears full of concern about your sister. It’s almost like saying -play by the rules of the concern till you have it out. 

When you're in a rock and a hard place like this, I'd support her from a distance.  You're justified in either decision you make, but you can only do so much for people, especially when they don't want to make their own decisions and have you disagree with them.  

My opinions differ most of the time, so just support her from a distance and witness it.  She may then revisit and remember  - my sis thought about me- or - 'Hey, so and so was right'. If you approach her candidly - like you seem to have down patience and understanding - but she gets a certain way about you.

The bottom line is, she seems to be in a state of flux and I won't push the one or the other, possibilities.

Express it but then remember to back off and continue supporting her from a distance.

[ShySoul]

Lolita, as the baby of the family (even over 40 I think I'm still viewed as the baby in the family), I wish I had an older sibling that was that concerned and protective of me. It's touching that you care that much.

Given who she is, yes you have the right to worry. Worrying is what a good sibling does. Unfortunately, as I've learned and as everyone else has pointed out, people are going to do what they are going to do. You can't control it or change it. If you see something serious and can point to facts, I'd say it just have it out there and give them something to think about. She will probably ignore it. She might turn it around on you. But trust your instinct. If it's something you feel needs to be said, say you're piece as calmly and factually as possible. Then leave it be. She knows what she is doing and is going to make her choices based on what she wants, regardless what anyone tells her. The best hope is that somewhere in her your voice will stick with her and maybe lead her to healthier decisions when she is ready to listen to it someday.

In my experience, what people are looking for most is for you to be there when something happens and they need that extra support. I've had family literally say to me "it's my mistake to make." (Which makes no sense to me. You admit it's a mistake, but you want to do it anyway?). I've been yelled at for trying to tell people what to do when I was only pointing out how their action was hurting them and the ones around them. They go ahead and do something I could see was a mistake a mile away. And shock, it turns out to be a mistake. But I just stay supportive and try to be understanding. When they come to me crying or upset, I lend a hand where I can. You can't control someone's actions or stop them from doing something they are determined to do. But you can be the loving and caring one they trust to turn to when they are ready.

 

[mylolita]

Guys! 
 

I just wanted to collectively say a big thank you - all fantastic and solid advice, it all makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to rake through my whining! 
 

I would love to reply individually, things are a bit busy but I will get back very soon.

 

I think after reading all your sage replies, I took a step back last night and we both apologised to each other. We acknowledged our differences - of course we’ll never be the same, we are similar in some ways but mostly a chalk and cheese duo - and I think as heated as it could have got, we both pulled it back.

 

I have to say there were selfish motives to my peace making. I don’t like to ruffle my parents, for a start. They have enough stress. And also, as many have said, we have a small get away planned and she has kindly come along to help us with the kids. I must thank her again for that and acknowledge that we can be civil and put all the discussion aside. We do both love each other as silly as we can be.

 

Anyway, just a huge thank you. My husband also said exactly the same thing. More along the lines of, “You have your own life. Don’t get so wound up over things you can’t control.” 
 

All very true and right.

 

Thanks again ENA! 
 

x

[mylolita]

I suppose, I’m not trying to get anyone on side, as most people have some great qualities and at their core are decent people. My sister isn’t a “bad” person. But what she does has affected our family and countless times I am asked to keep secrets which, sometimes I have been more than glad to do to protect my parents, but other times I have resented! 
 

Just a few examples:

 

In her mid 20s she was moving around from house to house with the fiancé she has recently broke up with. At the time for a few years she developed a drug problem that thankfully didn’t escalate. It was mostly cocaine and pills. I found out about the pills through someone who had I gone to school with. He came to me and said, “Your sister is asking for pills every week - do you know about this? Should I sell them to her?” By the way I was not friends with this guy but I said definitely not! And I confronted her about that. I kept the cocaine a secret from my Mum and Dad until she managed to quit in her late 20s. I told her I wasn’t okay with it and I kept it from our parents because I knew they would pitch a fit. Thankfully, as far as I know, she only “parties” now and then and it’s something she tells me she has “under control”. 
 

But we’ve been there and she knows how I feel so I stay out of that and haven’t mentioned that side of her life for over 7 years. I know her ex knew about this and probably enjoyed that lifestyle too. For that as well, I saw them both as a very bad influence on each other. Just another thing to dislike. 
 

She also hangs around with dubious people. One of my cousins left and never made contact for years. He ended up shooting heroin in crack dens. His mum, my middle Aunt, thought he was dead for at least 2 years. My sister, unknown to us all, knew fine well he was alive because she hung out with him and his friends still! But left her Aunt hanging if he was dead or alive. I thought it was beyond cruel, even if they had had a very dubious and troubled relationship. 
 

She has gotten herself into quite major debt before. My parents let slip about bailing her out once - thousands. My Dad was like, “Poor F!” She has recently took out a loan of £140,000 for her new business. I wish her all the best but I see my parents over the decades dishing out our inheritance to bail her out of financial trouble. I’ve never asked for one penny since I was 14 and left home at 18. She claims to be independent and self sufficient but all I see is my Dad handing her money. I don’t care about the actual money, or about her getting more, but it’s the general enabling she gets from my parents, and the deflecting.

 

She puts me on the spot often as well. For example, 10 years ago she told me she was having an abortion and that she needed a place away from my parents to recover. She was still living at my parents at this time, she was about 22. I of course couldn’t say no but I was worried about her. I put her up while she went through the aftermath and medical motions, then she said, “Never tell Mum and Dad.” And left. I never have. 
 

But everything seems to be chaos and tears and mess. I genuinely worry about her health and her well being. She’s the type of girl who sleeps around a lot and goes back to strangers houses. Part of me is actually slightly relieved in a way if she is set on one person who may be okay at the moment. At least it stops her taking risks.

 

The thing with all this is, I have for years had periods of not talking to her. After about 3 years, it was me who decided to call her and reach out. I was worried, basically, and again, part of me knew how much our not speaking and getting along was affecting my parents. I also thought how nice it would be if we could just be civil and have zero drama for once, no more secrets. 
 

The list is pretty endless. I’ve given her a shake at times and said what the hell are you doing. I’m not proud of it, but part of it came from a scared place and a place of love. 
 

I’m definitely not a perfect person. I’ve made my mistakes too. But she treads down a path of destruction that causes my parents to worry, as parents do, as I would if it were my kids, and also at the same time has everyone bury their head in the sand and keep all these secrets so she can appear to be the successful and great person. 
 

I’m happy we have drawn a line yesterday. Part of me wishes she never was coming along to the holiday, and sometimes part of me wonders if really she should even be in my kids life (although; it is so rare. She sees them very briefly about twice a year and never comes to Birthdays or other family events). I don’t want to cut her off again, because as you have all wisely said, it’s better I’m there maybe incase she does fall on a time of need - but at the same time, I think the idea that we could be friends and truly get along is a pipe dream me and her both seemed to keep foolishly entertaining.

 

Maybe too much water under the bridge.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. It’s hard to see someone you love, and my only sister, self destruct at times. I think my parents have come to terms with his be adopting sheer denial, which is the opposite of my approach which is to confront her when she’s at the worst and try and inject some sense into her. 
 

I will be there for her, I let her know that, and I said of course her life is her life. I think this is the best I can do, and my lips are remaining sealed! 
 

x

[catfeeder]

I hear. I’d also drop the score card. I’ve held countless secrets for my sister, but the reason I can’t count them is because I’ve let them go.

Pulling up events from many years ago is no way to cultivate a reasonable relationship today. Those are grudges, and holding onto them isn’t protective or productive. It’s hyper vigilant judgement that harms your relationship and your stomach lining.

If sister were a neighbor, a family friend or a cousin twice removed, you’d treat her with a higher degree of respect and less measurement against your standards. So pretend she’s that—a respected friend. This will help you to get clear about your limits, and you may find yourself enjoying a more balanced and mutually beneficial relationship with sis.

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. I’d also drop the score card. I’ve held countless secrets for my sister, but the reason I can’t count them is because I’ve let them go.

Pulling up events from many years ago is no way to cultivate a reasonable relationship today. Those are grudges, and holding onto them isn’t protective or productive. It’s hyper vigilant judgement that harms your relationship and your stomach lining.

If sister were a neighbor, a family friend or a cousin twice removed, you’d treat her with a higher degree of respect and less measurement against your standards. So pretend she’s that—a respected friend. This will help you to get clear about your limits, and you may find yourself enjoying a more balanced and mutually beneficial relationship with sis.

I appreciate and fully agree with your comments Cat! 
 

The only part we differ is - if she wasn’t my sister, sadly, I truthfully wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I’d keep her as far away as possible! 
 

I’m bound to her by growing up with her, sharing a bedroom with her until I was 18 - and just being there for her. 
 

And she’s done plenty recent and fresh, but it doesn’t really matter. I suppose if this was someone about town who I bumped into people would tell me “she’s toxic stay away” but, because she’s family, it’s very hard. 
 

I have done both before. The three years I didn’t see or speak to her (and, she never reached out to me by the way) were actually some of the most blissful. I felt such a sense of relief I can’t tell you. But then, my parents were so upset by that. They like to save face and want “happy families”. They are notorious for brushing everything under the carpet - nothing gets said and it all festers and then everyone has a massive blow out every couple of years. I find it personally, so unhealthy. And it’s hard for me to pretend I support or agree with most things she does. 
 

She’s had her fair share of bashing me. She calls my kids “sprogs” which I find disrespectful. She asked me once if I was “pumping out another one” and is generally scathing about marriage and having children, although this is something she did confess to wanting not that long ago. 
 

I listen, but it’s hard. At the end of the day, she heavily dabbles in drugs on and off to my knowledge, is very untruthful and deceitful, plays my Dad for money and keeps washing up every few months with new emotional drama, putting my parents through the ringer. 
 

I think taking everyone’s comments into consideration, I do agree, it’s not right for me to judge. But I have told her when I think she is acting an absolute wreck less fool, at the end of the day, I don’t want to find her dead in a dumpster. She plays with fire with disregard for everyone else, but my parents don’t say boo to her for fear of upsetting her. The egg shell thing, it does drive me nuts. 
 

After the vacation which, we paid fully for her to go on as a bit of a peace offering; I’ll see how that goes and if we just can’t be respectful and are putting more negativity in each others lives than good; I think I may be instigating another hiatus for quite some time.

 

She’s 32 at the end of the day. It’s not my job and it’s not my dog to worry or watch her back for her, or try to be the only one who will tell her she’s being selfish and acting out.

 

x

[catfeeder]

You’re probably a wonderful parent and haven’t needed to learn the non-response method of dealing with juvenile temper tantrums, but I can offer that it works wonders and communicates exactly what acting out deserves—to be ignored.

I’m from a large blended family. Every time someone brought their bratty stage to a gathering, they huffed and puffed to silence, which someone would break by asking someone else to please pass the rolls, or an ask whether I can bring anyone back a drink… We might have made some faces or eye rolls at one another, but none of us were willing to play.

We all learned that the only thing that a fit would accomplish is nothing. That may be the best way to get yourself through a vacation with an attention seeker. If you want to nix her for a while after the trip, then use that plan as a mental safety net to keep yourself in line while with your parents. You’ll thank yourself for not taking the bait to regress back to childhood.

Head high!