Could really use some insight - Thanks

[JayParker]

This felt like it happened in a blink of on eye. She and I are in our late 40's. Although we may appear more 'seasoned' this relationship had its immaturity.

I have dated quite a bit and am usually the one offering my friends productive advice. My current relationship has me stumped. I've met a girl like I have never met before. It's almost like a mirror image of myself. We have that much in common It's not unusual to make (what I think is a five minute call) and we end up on the phone for an hour or two. The conversation just flows that well. We've been together for five months. I would say that in the first two months we knew more about each other than a lot of married couples that I know. I wouldn't say that either of us rushed things. The conversations were natural and comfortable and just flowed . The 'bedroom' department also went well

Sound ideal so far, but there's one problem. She and I have so much in common that our arguing styles are also identical. The only difference is that she does something that is a bit extreme. She impulsively breaks up. The relationship started last October and about 4-6 weeks, "it's over." I don't think that she's trying to  make some statement or anything. I really think that in that moment, she's genuinely done. I've felt that same way too, but have bit my tongue a few times.  After a day to a week, after the dust settles, we are back together.

Neither of us are co-dependent and it's not like we couldn't find someone new if we wanted. I think that she also knows that she and I are so alike (same quirks, sense of humor and enjoy depth) that we both know that we'll probably never meet someone that fills as many slots.

My friend said that I do not give her enough drama and so the breakups are her way of getting her needs met. It's not that I'm a pushover. It's just that we otherwise seem to fit so well that there's no conflict. Another friend said that I have made her smug. I don't overshadow her with flattery, but she always looks nice when we go out together and I do let her know each time

I'm clueless on this one. Can anybody offer an opinion?

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, JayParker said:

. She impulsively breaks up. The relationship started last October and about 4-6 weeks, "it's over." I don't think that she's trying to  make some statement or anything. I really think that in that moment, she's genuinely done. I've felt that same way too, but have bit my tongue a few times.  After a day to a week, after the dust settles, we are back together.

What are the arguments about? Going nuclear means she wants to win the arguments with brute force. And it reveals several bad character traits such as immaturity, impulsivity and a bad temper. 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

You may feel like a mirror image or two peas in a pod but after the rosy glow is wearing off after 20 weeks dating, what you have is a lot of headaches heartaches and drama because you can't get along or resolve differences civilly.

 

[LootieTootie]

Honeymoon stage... However, you make it sound like you both are fighting a lot for a 5-month "seasoned" relationship.

Can I ask how many time have you fought? Or if you aren't sure, is it a weekly?

[JayParker]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Honeymoon stage... However, you make it sound like you both are fighting a lot for a 5-month "seasoned" relationship.

Can I ask how many time have you fought? Or if you aren't sure, is it a weekly?

She and I can go weeks without conflict. And it's not like there aren't opportunities. It just doesn't usually happen weekly or anything. It's like, when we disagree, it's never a tiff (like what happens in 'normal' relationships). In fairness, neither of us seem to give the other much wiggle room when we argue. The major difference is that she snaps to the point of breaking things off. Believe me! I've felt like breaking up too, but I seem more able to step back before being this impulsive. She doesn't. Most of the time it's great.  In fact, it's the most good fit that she or I have ever experienced. But when it's heated, it's not good.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, JayParker said:

Sound ideal so far, but there's one problem. She and I have so much in common that our arguing styles are also identical. The only difference is that she does something that is a bit extreme. She impulsively breaks up. The relationship started last October and about 4-6 weeks, "it's over." I don't think that she's trying to  make some statement or anything. I really think that in that moment, she's genuinely done. I've felt that same way too, but have bit my tongue a few times.  After a day to a week, after the dust settles, we are back together.

Yes, she breaks up because of the lack of drama and she needs to get her fix somewhere (and you don't give it to her), and after a while, she's back. 

So, why does she need drama?

She needs this in a relationship because she's used to it being dysfunctional. It keep's her off balance and "feels like love" to her.

She's just like so many people who are used to being in dysfunctional relationships. if things are going too well, they become afraid because this is not what "love" is like.

The irony is, a healthy relationship is actually what love is suppose to be like. But dynamics learned from childhood of fighting need to be unlearned first. She's sabotaging it.

You can't change her on this. She'll have to come to this awareness on her own and her break ups hopefully will become fewer. This is her scaring paying off what she knows in relationships and the wires need to be completely rearranged. It's her realization and growing up emotionally that needs to take place.

Enjoy the relationship but prepare for more break ups. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, JayParker said:

I'm clueless on this one. Can anybody offer an opinion?

 

Yes. You are not for each other. 

Let me explain. See, what you are feeling is fairly normal. You found somebody who you have enough in common and fell for her. So, you are watching all that with "rose colored glasses". You think you found somebody like you. And maybe you did. But if you would look further, I think you would found way more stuff where you are just incompatible.

The other thing is, the other person shouldnt be an amalgam of ourselves. Because, as you can see, in lots of cases it just doesnt work. Because we, by design, arent a perfect human beings. So we sometimes need somebody who is more diametral from us in certain things. That is why they say "Opposites attracts" and stuff like that. For example, introvert wouldnt need another introvert because they would just get stuck at home and do nothing. They would need somebody bit more extroverted to push them to do things. Same in your case. When you "burst" you would need somebody who would calm you down. And not somebody who would burst back and use manipulation tactics such as "I am leaving you" so she would manage to get her own thing. That is not a recipe for a successful relationship. You are just not right for each other.

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 hours ago, JayParker said:

Neither of us are co-dependent

Lol. The relationship dynamic you described right before stating this would absolutely be filed under ‘codependency’

 

this is what’s going to happen, the relationship is unhealthy but you’ll stay because you “have oh so much in common” and are “basically the same person!” But no human being can withstand being blown up on and broken up with over and over whenever conflict arises. So, you’ll become a shell of yourself as that behavior erodes away at your self worth. 
 

but, you guys get along so well right? Thats why you’ll stay and keep showing up for her. That’s the codependency. 

[Andrina]

You can always say to her, "We need to learn better skills to resolve conflict with one another. If we keep arguing in these toxic ways, I'm afraid the bitterness will kill all the love we have for one another."

You'll notice I used the word "we" and not "you," since this is a team problem and blaming one person will have them less likely wanting to resolve the issue.

I'd then ask if the both of you could go to the library together and pick out some couples' communication books, or order one or two of them online. 

It's okay and beneficial to discuss relationship rules. I know that in my 2nd marriage, I brought up how it needed to be a rule that we don't call each other names, since my ex-husband did that, and that's always toxic to a union. You could also mention that saying you're breaking up in the heat of the moment has to stop. It's quite alright for someone to need space by taking a walk, or agreeing to instead meet up the next day when you've both cooled off.

Can you share if it's the same issue, or if new ones keep popping up? It might help if you explain what these arguments are about. Good luck.

[Batya33]

She'd rather be "right" than be close and yes she equates this back and forth drama with infatuation - you know that song -best part of breaking up is when you're making up. My husband and I can be argumentative by nature. I mean on all sorts of topics. 

Last night we started quibbling -almost arguing over how our household shopping is done. I quickly realized it was so silly -why? Because when you care in a healthy way then escalating silly stuff to be "right" (I was right - his way of helping me with shopping on rare occasions is to text me multiple photos of every item like paper towels so... why bother).  Because I care I told myself - right in the middle of this silly debate - self - he is so much better at buying techy stuff, handyman type stuff, he blows you away -you both have your strengths in the shopping department so stop this silliness, not worth it).  This was internal and i told him part of it  - that I realized this. 

If I didn't care or was bored and wanted to stir things up I'd have kept at it -maybe even showed him old texts.

OP - it's an excuse for her to stir things up - people can be completely compatible as you wrote -and if they care more about being right or care more about being in their own feelings -needing that rush of drama excitement -it's not going to work. Can she change? Yes for sure.  She has to initiate that, she has to want to, she has to plan how whether it's reading stuff, creating new ways of communicating, finding excitement in healthy way -counseling -whatever - but it has to come from her.  And it won't ever if you keep enabling it by "making up."

[JayParker]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You can always say to her, "We need to learn better skills to resolve conflict with one another. If we keep arguing in these toxic ways, I'm afraid the bitterness will kill all the love we have for one another."

You'll notice I used the word "we" and not "you," since this is a team problem and blaming one person will have them less likely wanting to resolve the issue.

Thanks and I have taken ownership for my part with her - not to diffuse (though I agree with your approach) but because I know that it wasn't just one sided (except for her impulsiveness of breaking up).

I'd then ask if the both of you could go to the library together and pick out some couples' communication books, or order one or two of them online. 

Actually, during some breakups, she and I have both separately searched things about relationships and once back together, we've discussed them. In fact, she has admitted being embarrassed about some of her behaviors. But in the heat of an argument, those very behaviors come back.

You could also mention that saying you're breaking up in the heat of the moment has to stop. It's quite alright for someone to need space by taking a walk, or agreeing to instead meet up the next day when you've both cooled off.

I am guilty here. I've told her that this can't go on. After the dust settles, I figure that I have a choice. I can play games and withhold that I want things to continue and pretend that I don't or I can accept it and get back together.

Can you share if it's the same issue, or if new ones keep popping up? It might help if you explain what these arguments are about.

I told her that I still love her, but also said that I'm having difficulty feeling as strong as in the past - due to each break up chipping away at my feelings. I'm normally not so vulnerable about things, but figured that I've tried everything else and besides... it's the truth. As I mentioned, she's said that she has insecurities (but she's average looking and smart etc...) . I'm also not aware of her having any bad toxic relationships (according to her , they were mostly amicable). However, my openness put her on the defense. She didn't insult me or anything, but it was like she was insulted that my feelings would not be as strong... because 'her feelings for me had not dwindled."

Good luck.

Thanks!

 

[smackie9]

Her breaking up impulsively is called ROCD. She gets extremely insecure when feeling threatened during an argument, and to cope is to breakup which is a compulsive power move to manipulate. This is bad behavior that you should not tolerate. You can't fix this or stop it. This is how she is. 

[catfeeder]

I’d have to pass on anyone who would do that to me. I’d make this less about her, and trying to figure her out, I’d make it more about me, and how I want to live. Walking on eggshells with someone who views me as disposable would not be it.