My (30f) friend (23m) keeps ghosting me and it's getting worse. I loved him.

[Vanessa43223]

In April 2022,I met this guy online (Reddit). I live in the UK, and he lives in California. Word went around on Reddit that I'm very attracted to nerds, which I am, and then this guy who is the epitome of one in terms of looks approached me. When we first began talking he kept complimenting my appearance, and would go into detail about how he'd like to cuddle me and whisk me over his shoulder (he's morbidly obese with a BMI of 49, I'm skinny and short). He likes collecting comic books, action figures, and studying computer science. He would message me all day every day, which I didn't mind, he was just a bit clingy and if I was afk for a while he would continue typing messages worried that he'd scared me away or something. He told me that he's lonely and his exes had abused him which has put him off of finding a partner. At the same time, a post on his profile was of him complaining that his therapist said that he was abusive and he's trying to make himself look the victim. At least one of his exes was violent with him and tried shooting him, only for the bullet to fly past his shoulder (according to him). He made a post about how he felt like nobody would ever love him and he felt like giving up, and he wouldn't care if he died. This was shortly before he approached me.

He never said anything that was bad to me. Early on, he did almost demand selfies of me regularly so I could see photos of him. But I chalked this up to him being a lonely socially awkward nerd and nothing more. Some of the selfies he posted were of him holding his arms out as if he were hugging me, and another was him posed in a way that he was whisking me over his shoulder. At the beginning he was often smiling in his photos and looked happy. Now, he doesn't smile. I have POTS and Dysautonomia, and it flared up really badly in January 2023, during which I would lose sleep and also sleep a lot at times at weird hours (I have been on proper medication starting from last August, and feel a ton better physically).  Whenever I told him I'm struggling he'd just respond with something like "distract yourself". I don't know why, it just seemed...cold? I put it aside assuming he's socially awkward. But as time went on he messaged me less and less, and it's like we are distant now. Even early on in the night he asks me if I'm going to bed soon, like he wants to get rid of me. He doesn't send Whatsapps anymore, or photos of himself anymore. When I upload a photo of myself he no longer compliments my appearance and responds with "cool" and nothing else. I uploaded a new selfie two days ago, and he didn't even acknowledge it, even though it'd been a year since I took a proper selfie since I'd been sick and looked visibly sick. He'll not message me for days and say it was because he was tired from work. I'll have to make an effort to carry on a basic conversation with him. What should I do?

I feel really sad rn. I genuinely felt love towards this guy, now if I see anyone who looks like him I just feel weirdly betrayed and upset. I'm starting to think things that are out of character for me, like maybe this is the reason nerds are unpopular amongst women, because they act like this. And yet I love them so much and they're my only type, I'm not attracted to any other type of guy at all. I feel like I'm going to grow old and die alone.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Vanessa43223 said:

Three years ago, I met this guy. Word went around that I'm very attracted to nerds, which I am, and then this guy who is the epitome of one in terms of looks approached me. I feel like I'm going to grow old and die alone.

Sorry this happened. Were you dating? Forget about nerd and if his GF supposedly shot him. Think about red flags and what you want from a relationship. 

[Vanessa43223]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Were you dating? Forget about nerd and if his GF supposedly shot him. Think about red flags and what you want from a relationship. 

No, it was online, but the way he interacted with me right at the start was as if he wanted to date me ASAP. He was clingy. He seems like a completely different person now. His work hours have been harder on him lately, but even on his free days he acts the same, nothing like before. We used to chat every day all day and voice chatted often. He'd laugh a lot and sounded genuinely happy to talk to me. I just wish I knew what happened.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Vanessa43223 said:

No, it was online, but the way he interacted with me right at the start was as if he wanted to date me ASAP. He was clingy. 

Have you met in person?  Unfortunately you seem lonely, however getting caught up in Cyber situations is creating that rather than alleviating it.

Please step back and consider deleting and blocking him. He doesn't make you happy anymore and it's not going anywhere. 

He was text tethering you out of boredom and now he moved on. 

Please get more active with work and school. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can have fun making real life friends. 

Also consider getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to local men your age who you can meet in person and are interested in what you want. 

[Vanessa43223]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person?  Unfortunately you seem lonely, however getting caught up in Cyber situations is creating that rather than alleviating it.

Please step back and consider deleting and blocking him. He doesn't make you happy anymore and it's not going anywhere. 

He was text tethering you out of boredom and now he moved on. 

Please get more active with work and school. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can have fun making real life friends. 

Also consider getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to local men your age who you can meet in person and are interested in what you want. 

No, we've never met in person.

He just sent me a message on Discord:

 

"Rest well and take care when you sleep then
I work from 930AM to 6PM tomorrow

😁

See you soon, since I'd assume you will sleep now that it's early/late"

 

Between asking me "sleeping soon?" which was about an hour and a half ago, he didn't talk to me at all. I still feel terrible about the idea of just ditching him and I'm not sure how to handle it emotionally. Especially since he mentioned 2 years ago (a few days before he approached me on Reddit for the first time) that he's afraid of getting another girlfriend because he feels like they'll become abusive to him like his 2 exes apparently were, and that he's lonely and feels like nobody will ever love him. 

I'm looking to get into the art field, so there's that. I've been ill for over a decade, it took them a long time to properly diagnose and medicate me, so I've been shut in for a long time since an aspect of my heart condition was that it prevented me from standing upright. It'll take a while to adjust but I'll consider the advice you gave. I appreciate it.

I'm going to head off to bed for now, I'll respond to any additional responses when I get up.

 

[TeeDee]

This is an untenable fantasy.  You live on opposite sides of the world & have never met.  To him you are a fun thing to do on lone.  It's not real.  

I'm sorry your health is poor.  As a shut in I understand these on line connections are all there is but it's not something that is going to translate to real life. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think he “ghosts” tou since that would require absence of contact. However I do think he checked out. Just doesnt care anymore.

Even the whole thing is just a fantasy. In 2 years you havent even seen each other. In that time, you should have at least concrete plan if you want to be together. Which mesns both of you just maybe need somebody to write you everyday and not to actually be with you. Which isnt surprising since you are both Redditors lol

[Vanessa43223]

Update:

He recently got back to me a few days ago saying he can't talk much because he's busy and very tired because his schedule hours have changed. This morning (before he woke up in his time) I sent him a voice message. He had one class at college from 12 pm to 1:15 pm today. 

He didn't even acknowledge my voice message, and simply said he's sorry for not responding, a few hours ago. I remember that before he'd message me when he woke up, and he'd also message me when he was on his break.

The not acknowledging the voice message is something unusual, since before he'd reply to them. I even asked him if he received my voice message since Discord was messing up today and he said "yep". A week or so ago he didn't acknowledge my selfie either, which is something he did before.

I'm not sure if it's because he's tired, but he almost looks like a different person in the photos he showed me of himself recently. I say "recently", he hasn't posted a photo of himself since January. His eyes look dead and he's not smiling. In some of them he even looks angry.

I managed to find his Facebook account, he barely has any friends. His Twitter account also has 0 followers on it.

 

EDIT: I went ahead and asked (quote) "Have I said something that's upset you?"

His reply (which was almost instant) was "Not at all" and he hasn't replied anything else since.

 

[Jaunty]

I don't think he wants to continue with any level of intensity in this "friendship" or whatever it is.   It's taken a lot of energy and it's really just a fantasy.  Bound to peter out.

[Andrew Smith]

It's understandable to feel hurt and confused when someone you care about seems to be pulling away. It might be worth having a honest conversation with him about how you're feeling and see if you can get some clarity on where things stand. This is why I don't really have high expectations for people that I meet online. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, it is very obvious he doesn't really want to keep this friendship going. 

He is trying to send the hint that he doesn't feel like talking to you so much anymore. You need to read between the lines and stop reaching out to him now. 

I am sorry. 

[smackie9]

He's an introvert, where communication, and doing things to keep a friendship going is totally exhausting. He's got a lot going on with school, and with the schedule changes, that can have a huge impact on ones mental health. Change and adjustment can take a lot of emotional energy...so it's no wonder he looks like crap. Introverts just shut out the world to cope. Give him some space and never call him out on it....that will just push him further into his snail shell. 

[catfeeder]

23 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

I managed to find his Facebook account, he barely has any friends. His Twitter account also has 0 followers on it.

Sounds like someone who is more focused on his real life than cultivating a cyber presence. He may have enjoyed messaging for a while, but his real life has picked up, and he's no longer interested in messaging.

[Vanessa43223]

I've made the decision to ghost him back, the last message I sent him was "Have I said something that's upset you?" which was 24 hours ago. He sent me "Not at all"

 

Then 39 minutes later

"Rest well and take care when you sleep
I work from 5AM to 130PM tomorrow like always
See you soon

😁"

At exactly 1:30 AM last night.

He hasn't sent any messages since.

[yogacat]

Try to reel it back a bit here.  You do not personally know him. Virtual reality this guy is a stranger.

What you fell for is a caricature he crafted for you to consume.  It might blow if he actually IS nerdy until you ignore all that and and talk and judge him on the person.  And maybe being him isn't someone you want to get to know... Not for long?

Remember, you are a stranger to him too.  

You say this is your type...Nerdy guys, right? He isn't the only one.  

From every school, there is a club or group full of I.T. and systems nerds. Heck, there are whole companies of this where half the work force is nerds trying to sell you anything. I'm reading you're falling for one type of guy.  You have a specific niche in mind.

Okay, you are honest with me to share the type of guy you fall for. You like guys who are into the exact things you like (actions figures, animation, programming), because they embody qualities you want in a partner (kind, intelligent, creative).  Plus it is natural that you want a relationship with the person you are attracted to.

But you seem to have your radar out only to signal on one kind of guy... kind of like you're "gorking out" at temptations and fear and don't know if this is going to be your only shot for love.  

I mean, this kind of thinking is "weird" to talk about, but deep down, I am talking to a hopeful and romantic who knows what they want... I totally get that...hell, so am I.  

So take a break, go back to the question: what type of guy do you feel attracted to?  Picture that man taking care of you on a date?  You're picturing Mr. come and take away my loneliness... not some fat nerd.
 

[NighttimeNightmare]

So you’ve been using him as a security blanket for 2 years and now his behavior is changing and you’re unraveling? 
 

this is the thing with people who won’t, or can’t, be with you in person: it begins as, or becomes a, fantasy. Think about it. There’s nothing tangible to give you the good hard facts, So you fill in the blanks with good feelings because that’s what you crave, so it’s what you create. And you can… because it’s your fantasy. 
 

real people who are available emotionally, will show up physically.  
 

if you two need each other as a security blanket, that’s whatever, it’s your choice, but just know that’s what this is so that you aren’t completely jaded and your world isn’t completely rocked when it goes away. 
 

I think he’s just a symptom of some internal challenges you’re facing, esp with your health. 

[Vanessa43223]

This just took a creepy turn.

My friend told me to try and look for records on this guy and told me what sites to do it on. Birth records, and whatnot.

This guy told me his first name and surname, the year, month and day he was born, and where he lives. He's also posted photos of himself at work (he works making tortillas at some Mexican themed grocery store) wearing a name tag that is the first name he told me. I managed to find the store he works at.

The closest match for him on Nuwber was a 42 year old man, which is quite a difference from 23. I searched Ancestry, specifically, his first and last name and being born in 2000. The only results which came up were either people with his name who are not listed as living in the place he told me he was living in, or dead people.

Out of curiosity, my friend tried to look herself up on Nuwber, and she was the first result. But she's tried herself and she can't find any matching official records on this guy using the info he gave to me.

I'm very confused. He's sent videos of himself driving and talking in the car (not pointed at his face), photos of his front garden, and photos of himself in college classes and also photos of himself at work. My friend said that his voice doesn't match what he looks like, and also that many of the earlier photos of him smiling looked like "fake smiles". She also said even in the early photos "I see darkness in his eyes, like he's dead inside".

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

My friend said that his voice doesn't match what he looks like, and also that many of the earlier photos of him smiling looked like "fake smiles". She also said even in the early photos "I see darkness in his eyes, like he's dead inside".

This is silly, to be very blunt. 

Your friend doesn't know him and is projecting. None of the above is based on anything tangible and is a product of an overactive imagination. 

Look OP, what you are doing here is too much. You don't know this man and you are going to bizarre lengths to identify him or try to poke holes in his story. You need to stop, and probably get offline for a while. You are fixated on some man you have never met, and the degree to which you are pursuing this is unhealthy. 

Please, let this fantasy go. Find more productive outlets to form relationships with people you can meet in real life, and you will be a lot happier. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is silly, to be very blunt. 

Your friend doesn't know him and is projecting. None of the above is based on anything tangible and is a product of an overactive imagination. 

Look OP, what you are doing here is too much. You don't know this man and you are going to bizarre lengths to identify him or try to poke holes in his story. You need to stop, and probably get offline for a while. You are fixated on some man you have never met, and the degree to which you are pursuing this is unhealthy. 

Please, let this fantasy go. Find more productive outlets to form relationships with people you can meet in real life, and you will be a lot happier. 

Yes the issue is now you, OP and not whether this stranger is who he says he is.  Discipline and restrain yourself from continuing this sort of "investigation" -

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

This just took a creepy turn.

My friend told me to try and look for records on this guy and told me what sites to do it on. Birth records, and whatnot.

This guy told me his first name and surname, the year, month and day he was born, and where he lives. He's also posted photos of himself at work (he works making tortillas at some Mexican themed grocery store) wearing a name tag that is the first name he told me. I managed to find the store he works at.

The closest match for him on Nuwber was a 42 year old man, which is quite a difference from 23. I searched Ancestry, specifically, his first and last name and being born in 2000. The only results which came up were either people with his name who are not listed as living in the place he told me he was living in, or dead people.

Out of curiosity, my friend tried to look herself up on Nuwber, and she was the first result. But she's tried herself and she can't find any matching official records on this guy using the info he gave to me.

I'm very confused. He's sent videos of himself driving and talking in the car (not pointed at his face), photos of his front garden, and photos of himself in college classes and also photos of himself at work. My friend said that his voice doesn't match what he looks like, and also that many of the earlier photos of him smiling looked like "fake smiles". She also said even in the early photos "I see darkness in his eyes, like he's dead inside".

Yeah, you can't do reliable people checks with just an email address.

I personally wouldn't go to great lengths to find out someone's identity the person is already on the shady side and I won't waste another second with them. 

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

My friend told me to try and look for records on this guy and told me what sites to do it on. Birth records, and whatnot.

Something you'd have no need to do if you were dating locally and gradually seeing the reality of a person. 

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, I'm sorry to be blunt but please stop chasing, obsessing, doing background checks and consider getting into some therapy. 

I just went through something like this with a man online I had a brief interaction with.

I sent him so many indications of "non-interest" - not replying or one word responses, telling him I'm so busy no time to chat, he wouldn't let up!

He never asked "did I do something wrong"? but his behavior was just as repulsive.  I could barely blink without seeing yet another message! 

This man is not interested in you in any way shape or form, please leave him alone and look into your own behavior and why you have allowed this unhealthy obsession to continue. 

Again I'm sorry. 😞 

 

[Jaunty]

You should really stop.  The "creepy turn" this has taken, sadly, is your evident obsession with everything about his online presence.

You developed an online connection that was meaningful to you but you never met, you have no reason to believe that you've ever really known who this guy is, and I do hope that you can understand that your feelings may have been intense but they were never based on anything besides imagery.

Please leave this guy alone and move on towards relationships with people who can actually be in your life.

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

This just took a creepy turn.

Yes it's creepy to start stalking him. Those googling sites you're looking at are notoriously inaccurate. Look up yourself and people you actually know to see. Please join some support groups and get involved with other supportive people if they are housebound. 

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

This just took a creepy turn.

Why are you surprised? It's kind of meaningless, because in 2 years it's never occurred to you that you were never going to meet the guy anyway. If this helps you to accept that, then good--accept that he's a waste of your time.

This really only matters if you've sent him money or you've given him enough information to steal your identity and open accounts in your name. Have you?