My partner is pushing me away and I’m struggling

[Citrine]

I desperately need relationship advice. I feel so stuck and low. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years nearly, we have a 4 year old daughter together and I have an 12 year old daughter from a past relationship. 

My partner is a very loving, hands on family man who’s the most amazing dad, kind and empathetic person. He has of course issues like anyone else that I have chosen to ignore over the years because I know he’s a good person and everyone has faults but for some reason this past 3 months we are struggling immensely and I don’t know how to get out of it or what to do. I feel like these issues are all his problem and I feel like I’m on the receiving end of it and it’s becoming so painful to live with. He has always had paranoia issues but again this is recently very heightened and he keeps blaming me because I’m not showing him enough love or affection. He’s started expecting sex almost every night which he hasn’t always done and if I turn him down he gets in a strop and says I just don’t want it, I don’t find him attractive etc. to be honest none of that is true but the more he’s been doing it recently I’m more turned off and find it harder to want him, when I do try with him I’m then being told I’m forcing myself to. He makes up these crazy scenarios that I’m cheating, constantly makes little digs that he says are jokes but he really believes them. We end up having a fall out often because I will finally bite and tell him I’m sick of it all the accusations and the paranoia and then he’ll give me the silent treatment for ages. We are such a tight family unit and don’t believe in arguing in front of the children so I don’t ever feel like I have the chance to really have things out with him because he won’t really listen to me without either an argument or telling me we can’t talk in front of the kids. I’ve sent him messages before so he can read them to let him know I’m struggling or that he needs therapy for the paranoia and he’ll just ignore them and not discuss it any further. Our 4 year old daughter is so precious to us, we both love her insanely and if it wasn’t for her and even my oldest daughter who has been through enough already I would have ended things at least for a while to make him realise that something needs to change. I feel like I’m drowning in it all, it makes me so sad because I’ve never given him a reason to not trust me, I know I’ve been an amazing partner to him and I don’t know how much more I can take. I want to make things work so badly and I don’t understand how he can’t see that he’s pushing me away so much. The thought of telling the kids we’ve broken up or letting them know we are having problems and need time apart kills me, our little one is so attached to us both and wants us both there all the time. I feel like I would be hugely letting them down but at the same time I know I don’t deserve this treatment and I feel trapped. Please can anyone offer me any advice as to what to do from here.

[smackie9]

You are not letting them down, you are protecting yourself and giving your children a safer environment. It's all about the tension, unrest in your relationship that will effect your kids tremendously. Get out, have some space and seek therapy/counseling for yourself. Just do that for now. Once you get a clearer view on the situation, you will be able to make the right decisions. 

My take on his behavior is he is using sex for control, not for pleasure...that's a dangerous place to be. 

[TeeDee]

Something else is going on with him.  Get him a physical.  He may have a brain tumor or some kind of infection that is adversely affecting his cognitive processing.  

[Vesna]

How old is your partner,and when did he start exhibiting these symptoms of paranoia? How severe is the paranoia? Does he ever hallucinate, like hear voices, or see things that aren’t there? Do you think he should see a Psychiatrist? Just make sure you and your children are safe which I’m sure you are already doing.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Citrine said:

 He makes up these crazy scenarios that I’m cheating, constantly makes little digs that he says are jokes but he really believes them. 

Sorry this is happening. This seems more like abuse than paranoia. You seem to have overlooked it for a long time to keep your family together. 

Please read up on abusive relationships. Please reach out to domestic violence agencies for information and support. 

Please stop playing into it. Wild accusations to keep you defensive and off balance is abusive. So is forced sex and insults dressed up as joked. 

 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Something else is going on with him.  Get him a physical.  He may have a brain tumor or some kind of infection that is adversely affecting his cognitive processing.  

Or is he drinking a lot/taking drugs?

[Citrine]

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. 
 

I know this is showing signs of mental abuse, he has had history of drug taking and he does drink regularly but not to the point he’s an alcoholic or getting drunk every night. I know that drinking definitely doesn’t help his mental state. 
 

He has always had paranoia issues and openly admits that to me which stem from his childhood but he goes through phases of it being particularly bad. This time feels the worst because he’s really putting the blame on me and that It’s my behaviour that is making him think those things not his irrational thinking. I’ll admit I have backed away from him a lot but that’s only because I feel pushed to that. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Citrine said:

I know this is showing signs of mental abuse, he has had history of drug taking and he does drink regularly but not to the point he’s an alcoholic or getting drunk every night

Please address this. Trust your instincts and distance yourself. Abusive behavior is not a brain tumor, it's intentional and it's good you recognize it. Drinking and drugs can make things worse. 

In addition to support and information from domestic abuse agencies please get support for yourself about the effects of the drinking:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, Citrine said:

The thought of telling the kids we’ve broken up or letting them know we are having problems and need time apart kills me, our little one is so attached to us both and wants us both there all the time. I feel like I would be hugely letting them down but at the same time I know I don’t deserve this treatment and I feel trapped.

It would be worse for them to stay in an unhealthy environment where their mother is being mentally abused. If something was to happen to you, what would they think? And if things got worse and he started turning his anger onto them? 

Children are preceptive. They probably sense something is wrong. The youngest might not fully realize it or be able to express it, but they probably can pick up on something. Hiding it won't help them in the long term. And when you have children, there safety and well being should come first.

As much as you love him and want to help him, that can't come at the expense of your safety. And mental abuse is abuse, simple as that. He needs to be made fully aware he is pushing you away and that you won't stand for it. He needs to understand that blaming you for his issues is not acceptable. I wont tell you to give up on him or that you can't make it work. But he needs to face his issues if there is to be any hope of that.

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

. He needs to understand that blaming you for his issues is not acceptable. I wont tell you to give up on him or that you can't make it work. But he needs to face his issues if there is to be any hope of that.

Unfortunately denying the abuse is usually to part of the abuse so him owning up to it or her confronting him again about it rarely improves things. 

[Andrina]

We don't let children make major decisions because their brains aren't fully formed to make those decisions intelligently. Imagine speaking to your child when she's an adult, explaining to her that you stayed in a life of abuse for her sake. Do you really think she'd say, "Good call. Thank you."

I actually experienced some of what you're going through in my first marriage. The first time I sat down with him when we WEREN't arguing and he knew I was serious, I said I couldn't live the rest of my life like that and wanted a divorce. He then agreed to go to the psychiatrist and got on antidepressants. Everything improved for 2 years, then he said he never meant to be on meds the rest of his life. I begged him to stay on the meds. He didn't, and became even worse. As a last straw, I suggest marital counseling since we had 2 children and I, like you, would've left sooner if it hadn't been for having a family. He did go, but with arms crossed in defiance, and would yell at me later about what I told the counselor, plus said she was on my side. We then did get a divorce, which allowed me to eventually have a 100 percent happier 2nd marriage.

Before you throw in the towel, you could give an ultimatum that he see a psychiatrist plus attend counseling with you. I have a feeling it won't work, just as it didn't with my own ex, but it might make you feel more confident in your decision to end things because at least you gave it one last try. Especially because he regularly drinks alcohol, he will likely be opposed to taking antidepressants, which he won't be able to do if he's drinking.

In the meantime, get all your ducks in row. If you have him as a person able to use your credit cards and bank account, remove him. Begin being more frugal, such as if you pay for cable, cut the cord. If you regularly eat out at restaurants, stop. You'll need that extra money for lawyer fees plus you'll each take a hit financially now having to have two households instead of one.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

Your partner's behavior is likely to escalate rather than get better. He's not rational, and he's a danger to you and your children. You may not see this clearly now, but if you remove yourself from this situation, you will be able to see it more clearly for the threat that it actually is.

Please contact an online domestic violence prevention hotline or the human services department of your local hospital for counseling services and other forms of help. You can start here: https://www.thehotline.org

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately denying the abuse is usually to part of the abuse so him owning up to it or her confronting him again about it rarely improves things. 

Rarely still leaves the chance that it is possible. Personally, if it is someone I love, I'd rather be able to say I tried and did all I could to help them. Plus when you do care for someone, it's not so easy to just remove yourself entirely. Part of you is with them and you want to see that person well, no matter how hurt you may be feeling.

Citrine, of course, if you feel your safety is in danger, you remove yourself from the situation. You can't help them if you aren't safe yourself. And given there are children, you need to protect them first. Once you have removed the immediate danger, then you can figure out what you want to do. Maybe the risk of actually losing you and the children will snap him to reality and he'll want to try to change. But he needs to make the effort. And its very likely he won't. In that case, know that it is on him. You can't fix someone or make them do something they aren't ready for. In the end, he is responsible for him. You take care of you and the children.

[SooSad33]

On 3/22/2024 at 5:17 PM, Citrine said:

He has always had paranoia issues but again this is recently very heightened and he keeps blaming me because I’m not showing him enough love or affection. He’s started expecting sex almost every night which he hasn’t always done and if I turn him down he gets in a strop and says I just don’t want it, I don’t find him attractive etc. to be honest none of that is true but the more he’s been doing it recently I’m more turned off and find it harder to want him, when I do try with him I’m then being told I’m forcing myself to. He makes up these crazy scenarios that I’m cheating, constantly makes little digs that he says are jokes but he really believes them

So, he's manipulating you and is causing guilt and mind f**k, pretty much, right? And when someone has a go at you & turns around to say 'oh I was just joking'.. remember there's always a little 'truth' in a joke.

 

On 3/22/2024 at 5:17 PM, Citrine said:

We end up having a fall out often because I will finally bite and tell him I’m sick of it all the accusations and the paranoia and then he’ll give me the silent treatment for ages.

Guilt trips!

On 3/22/2024 at 5:17 PM, Citrine said:

Our 4 year old daughter is so precious to us, we both love her insanely and if it wasn’t for her and even my oldest daughter who has been through enough already I would have ended things at least for a while to make him realise that something needs to change. I feel like I’m drowning in it all, it makes me so sad because I’ve never given him a reason to not trust me, I know I’ve been an amazing partner to him and I don’t know how much more I can take. I want to make things work so badly and I don’t understand how he can’t see that he’s pushing me away so much.

First off, people ARE often aware of their own behaviour! Sadly, YOU are just allowing it 😕 .

I spent almost 10 yrs with an alcoholic. I tried my best with him but ended up realizing I could NOT save him and he had plenty of time to smarten up - he never tried.  We split up.

My next long term also fell apart as the last 2 yrs with him were irate! I also, spent a lot of time walking on eggshells and believe me, it's NOT worth your sanity! 😞 .

So, it's maybe time to throw in the towel. You get out of there and tell him you're done!  No more guilt ridden fights, assumptions, nothing!

You then get a lawyer and work out visitation, child support etc.  Just remember, you NEED to be strong in this.. Not feel bad.  But be the bigger person here.  He's ruining you!

These kids need stability and happiness - positive in their lives.  Not mom being belittled by dad for whatever reasons he's behaving this way.