Am I too late?

[lovejuliet]

Background information: 

We met at university when we were both 20. He had transferred to our school from another and was kind to everyone trying to make friends. He asked me out once and I said yes, but we never got around to it because life got busy for us both. I always had a crush on him but never spoke up because later on, he had a thing for a friend of ours. They made out one time and she decided she was not into him. He, on the other hand, fell for her quickly. She rejected him and he came to me to vent. For the span of a few days, I was his rock and he confided in me about how he wished he didn’t try with her and wished we went out instead. Then he left for a trip the next day… this was right before COVID and so we never returned to school and didn’t see each other again after that. He invited me to a family party when things opened back up again, but I couldn’t make it because I had moved away. Fast forward another year and he joined the military as an officer. I was back in town for New Years Eve and took a chance by inviting him out with a group of my friends. He replied, “Yeah I’d be down if I’m home then! I still have to see if I can get leave.” He never did get clearance to come home. A few months later, I had to send him something a friend of ours asked me to share. He replied with a thank you and texted me “If you’re back around next weekend maybe we can catch up over drinks or something.” By that point, I was on a plane moving again. 
 

Dilemma: I don’t know whether I’m chasing him or reading too much into his words. I don’t care if we ever date, truthfully. I enjoy his company and want him in my life regardless of the dynamic. I want to know him more but I can’t tell if he wants the same or if I’m chasing him given that I always text first. I should note, however, that he is very reserved. Kind but rather shy. Yesterday I texted him checking in and seeing how life is treating him… he never replied. There is a possibility he is overseas (or just not interested in a conversation with me). The text delivered but no read receipt. It’s been nearly 24 hours…

 

Any advice is appreciated. Cheers! 

[MissCanuck]

You two could be friends but it doesn't sound like it will amount to more than that. 

You live too far apart now and have conflicting schedules. Even if you two developed a fondness for each other, this doesn't seem like a practical situaton to try to build more. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Are you at university now? How old is he? It's seems like you are great friends and developed a wonderful bond over the years and life's issues. Unfortunately it does seem like ships passing in the night with your schedules and distance and separate lives.

 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, lovejuliet said:

I enjoy his company and want him in my life regardless of the dynamic.

Given that you cant even see each other once, I would forget about all of this and focus on something more realistic then some guy that is in the army and that you couldnt see for years. I know that you probably have a crush there and see this as "somebody that is meant to be but never happened" but trust me, it isnt. And it will hinder you from pusruing something more feasable in the future.

[TeeDee]

He is in the military.   He may not be able to respond for a week or more.  Depending on where he is there may be no cell service.  For operational security reasons he may not be able to contact you.  

If he's interested, he'll get back in touch.  Have a little faith & be patient. 

Back in the old days before cell phones & texting, sometimes you had to wait a week or more to hear back from somebody 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, lovejuliet said:

He asked me out once and I said yes, but we never got around to it because life got busy for us both.

Sorry, but you two just weren't that into each other to let this golden opportunity pass you by. Attraction yes. But not enough of that magic spark needed most people seek.

8 hours ago, lovejuliet said:

I don’t know whether I’m chasing him or reading too much into his words. I don’t care if we ever date, truthfully. I enjoy his company and want him in my life regardless of the dynamic. I want to know him more but I can’t tell if he wants the same or if I’m chasing him given that I always text first

It doesn't matter whether it's friendship or romance. If equal effort isn't made in communication, the person who never initiates contact doesn't value the connection.

I believe you're having a dry spell and are looking to the past to fulfill present needs. You're not finding it, so move on and try new venues of meeting people locally. When he finds a female love interest, his lady won't appreciate you reaching out to him, even in "friendship." And if he's a decent guy, he won't even respond to your texts since you two had past flirtations. Let this go now for everyone's benefit.

[smackie9]

A man knows what he wants and goes after it. He would make it known to you he is interested, be flirtatious, confess etc. I think you are chasing the ghost of crushes past. 

[catfeeder]

One problem with idealizing crushes from the past is that those are fantasy-based, so no real, living, breathing person can complete with what you've created in your head. People who crush on celebrities have the same problem.

One way to liberate yourself from locking your focus on this guy might be to trust that if he's some kind of 'meant-to-be deal, he'll be perfectly capable of tracking you down to catch up with you no matter how far forward you move. So just put that idea on your back burner so it can move out of your way. This allows for hope to remain accessible but occasional, rather than consuming your focus.

From there, start challenging yourself every day to make as many baby steps as you can toward your own growth, development, and finding new interests and talents. Meet new friends based on these interests, and grow some passion about something beyond dating that makes you feel fabulous and proud. This will bring you to a new perspective from which you can date without the urgency of trying to recreate the fantasies that motivate you today. You will thank yourself.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

trust that if he's some kind of 'meant-to-be deal, he'll be perfectly capable of tracking you down to catch up

This is 100% true.

I had a big crush on a manager at work when I was 17/18. He confessed to me the day before I was to fly away to college that he liked me. A couple decades later I found him on Facebook. We exchanged a few messages but he never replied to my last message. It appears he's divorced but that was never confirmed, and I am divorced. But since he never responded I presume he's not interested in pursuing any kind of connection with me AND he's apparently not meant for me. So it's been fairly easy to just move forward.

Logistics are difficult in your situation but if he wants to pursue a connection with you he will do whatever he needs to do to try to make it happen. 

In the meantime, think of ways you can meet new people. You never know who might walk around the next corner.

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, lovejuliet said:

Dilemma: I don’t know whether I’m chasing him or reading too much into his words. I don’t care if we ever date, truthfully. I enjoy his company and want him in my life regardless of the dynamic. I want to know him more but I can’t tell if he wants the same or if I’m chasing him given that I always text first. I should note, however, that he is very reserved. Kind but rather shy.

I suggest you be careful here, cause in ways, you two kinda have a past.  And often men & women do not mesh well when it comes to 'friendships'.  One often 'expects' more than that.

Maybe is best to chat on occasion as you do and expect nothing more.  Your lives have changed and still is to this day.