How do I discuss opposite-sex relationships with my bf?

[SummerBug03]

I am in my first, relatively new relationship of 3, almost 4, months. Things have been going well. I've been trying my best to be open and honest with my bf, and not afraid of conflict, especially when it comes to my feelings. 

My issue is that I have been struggling with some insecurity and jealousy about his female friends. He is open about them, talks to me about them, and I've even met some of them. He even asked me if I'd feel comfortable if he gave one of his female friends a motorcycle ride, because he likes giving people rides, and didn't want to upset me. 

I am someone that believes it's ok to have opposite sex friendships. But I still get jealous when I see that he's been texting female friends, especially the ones I haven't met. If I met them, I know I wouldn't feel as jealous. I also know that these feelings stem from my own self insecurity, and insecurity in our relationship. 

How to I sit down with my bf to talk about my feelings and boundary desires in a constructive manner, while also allowing the both of us to have the freedom in friendships that I want us to have?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, SummerBug03 said:

 I still get jealous when I see that he's been texting female friends, especially the ones I haven't met. If I met them, I know I wouldn't feel as jealous. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? How much time does he spend hanging out with his female friends? 

Do you two go on dates? Why is he texting his friends when you two are together? Perhaps it's more his rudeness and cluelessness than your jealousy? 

Unfortunately this is a lot of headaches and heartaches for dating only 12 weeks.  That's the getting to know you period and so far it's just creating angst.

Please reflect on your feelings and trust your instincts. Perhaps reconsider how compatible you are. 

[SummerBug03]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? How much time does he spend hanging out with his female friends? 

Do you two go on dates? Why is he texting his friends when you two are together? Perhaps it's more his rudeness and cluelessness than your jealousy? 

Unfortunately this is a lot of headaches and heartaches for dating only 12 weeks.  That's the getting to know you period and so far it's just creating angst.

Please reflect on your feelings and trust your instincts. Perhaps reconsider how compatible you are. 

He's 23 and I'm 20. 

I am not sure how much time he spends with his female friends. And he's not texting them while I'm with him, it's just that I've happened to peer over his shoulder while he responded to an important text and saw that he had been texting a specific girl, that he has mentioned to me before. I almost got to meet her, but she ended up being busy. 

We do go on dates, but we are both in different schools and live about 30 minutes apart . When we first started dating our schedules lined up so I saw him almost every other day. Now we're only able to see each other twice, maybe three, times a week. I was having a hard time for another reason a few days ago, and he came up to spend time with me and take me to dinner to help me feel better. 

I mostly think this heartache is caused by my unsureness in how to approach the situation. I don't like causing problems, but if I don't bring things up, he isn't going to think anything is wrong.  I'm stuck spiraling, imagining what could be, instead of just asking him. He's not a mind reader. Plus, I don't even know how he feels about my male friendships 

[tattoobunnie]

28 minutes ago, SummerBug03 said:

How to I sit down with my bf to talk about my feelings and boundary desires in a constructive manner, while also allowing the both of us to have the freedom in friendships that I want us to have?

Your insecurity is a "you" problem, not a "we" problem.  Either you like who he is, or you don't.  Either you can accept who he is, or you don't.  Either way, you have to work out your own insecurities on your own time.  That's not his fault.  And, ask yourself this...do you want to bop every dude you work with, go to school with, interact with?  I'm going to say that you don't.  And neither does he.  If you honestly think he'd cheat on you any chance he got, then time to end it.

[Batya33]

How? Use I statements “I feel uncomfortable “ then be specific about what you feel uncomfortable with. But if you don’t trust him - there’s no point to dating him. Also obviously whatever boundaries you want him to honor then you have to do the same with your male friends. 

[Coily]

1 hour ago, SummerBug03 said:

If I met them, I know I wouldn't feel as jealous. I also know that these feelings stem from my own self insecurity, and insecurity in our relationship. 

This, right there. This is how you need to approach it with your BF. As long as he knows this is about your insecurity, not you trying to control him, not you being possessive.

 

1 hour ago, SummerBug03 said:

He's not a mind reader. Plus, I don't even know how he feels about my male friendships 

You deserve a lot of credit, far too often people think their partner knows what to do by telepathy.

I think you are on the right path with some of your thinking, and just need a nudge here and there on making sure that you have open calm communications. Often it's hard when we are feeling a certain way to understand how that will impose our will upon others.

It might be wise for you to vocalize what you have said above, that one you meet these platonic friends your jealousy lessens.  And kudos to you BF asking you about giving the ride, take that as a green flag in his respect towards you.

[yogacat]

Agree with @Coily

Kudos to you for acknowledging your feelings of insecurity and wanting to address them in a healthy way. It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to do that.

Your boyfriend seems to have already shown that he is respectful and considerate of your feelings by asking if you would be comfortable with him giving a female friend a motorcycle ride. This is a good sign and shows that he values your relationship and wants to make sure you are both on the same page.

Try to pinpoint what specifically triggers your feelings of jealousy. Is it the amount of time he spends with his female friends? The nature of their interactions? What specific things do you feel would help alleviate your insecurities?

Then, approach the conversation with your boyfriend from a place of love and understanding. Explain to him how you feel and why those feelings come up for you. That said, you cannot control your boyfriend's friendships or who he chooses to spend time with. Not saying you are, far from it, but it's important to remember that in any relationship, both parties are allowed to have friendships and social lives outside of the relationship.

A lot of people tend to want to control these matters and they express themselves by verbalizing what they do not want. That becomes unfair because a partner starts feeling 'restricted' or 'controlled,' which no person wants to feel. Instead, explain what you do want and what you do not want:

"I know that you have friends of the opposite sex and I respect that. I would find it nice to get to know them because I care about you and I want to know the people you spend time with in general."

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Coily said:

And kudos to you BF asking you about giving the ride, take that as a green flag in his respect towards you.

 

13 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Your boyfriend seems to have already shown that he is respectful and considerate of your feelings by asking if you would be comfortable with him giving a female friend a motorcycle ride. This is a good sign and shows that he values your relationship and wants to make sure you are both on the same page.

I echo these points. Given that BF has already shown that he's considerate of your feelings, it might be helpful to examine what, exactly, you'd be asking BF to DO about your insecurities. He already attempted to set you up with the friend you haven't yet met. Her need to postpone was beyond his control.

So before approaching BF on the subject, I'd get very clear with myself about what I hope to accomplish--in exact and practical terms. Would I want him to reschedule the play date with that friend? If so, why not just ask him to do that?

Decide how much of this 'must' be a confessional about your private insecurities--and why. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, SummerBug03 said:

How to I sit down with my bf to talk about my feelings and boundary desires in a constructive manne

First, ask yourself this: what are those boundary desires? 

What would you like to him to do (or not do) with regards to his female friends? 

[TeeDee]

Since you know this is your insecurity causing the jealousy, don't drag him into this.  You can say you would be more comfortable once you have met the friends.  Ask if you two can throw a party or something so you can meet everybody & stake your claim publicly.  Don't say that last part out loud. 

Meanwhile work on your self esteem.   

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, SummerBug03 said:

He's 23 and I'm 20.  we are both in different schools and  we're only able to see each other twice, maybe three, times a week. I was having a hard time for another reason a few days ago, and he came up to spend time with me and take me to dinner to help me feel better. 

It seems like there is a lot of stress and anxiety about whatever the changes are. Who goes to a different school now? Are you new at your school or is he? 

He seems to be trying to be a good BF and be there for you. How does he feel about your male friends? He doesn't have to ask your permission to hang out with his friends, it seems more like a courtesy.

Is there a campus health and counseling center? Please look into it. If you are having separation anxiety and "spiraling", it's worthwhile to get some help and support. 

[Andrina]

Does he seem to have a huge harem of female friends with very few or zero guy friends? Do you feel like the amount of female friends he has surpasses the amount other guys you know have?

If so, that might be a red flag.

Get very clear and concrete about what relationship boundaries you want. If a guy doesn't share the same views on boundaries, it will never work.

If you agree on boundaries, perhaps try telling yourself to trust unless given a reason not to. Your goal should be resilience no matter what happens. Secrets have a way of coming out even if you don't pry or spy. If you believe he's worth sticking around for, give him the benefit of the doubt while also keeping your eyes wide open while you continue to get to know all about him. Time will reveal all.

[redswim30]

OP, first I want to give you props for acknowledging your feelings and thinking of how to approach this before jumping into accusation mode with your bf. 

Tread carefully as a new GF, you say you've only been dating for a few months.  Some of these friends may have been his friends for years.  Whatever you do, do not turn it into a "me or them" situation.   I'll be honest if I started dating a man who demanded I dump my friends of years to be with him, I'd drop him like a hot potato.  The good news is you HAVENT done that, and I'm advising and cautioning you to AVOID THAT at all costs. 

Now, You first have to think about what your actual boundaries are.  What is the BEHAVIOR you want from him?  You cannot simply approach this from a "I am insecure" position, as that is truly your issue and not his.  He seems like a decent guy- he appears to be doing everything right- he's not hiding any of these friends from you, he asked how you felt about giving someone a ride, this all signals that he respects you. 

Also, please remember to be fair to him.  It's logical to assume a few months in, you wouldn't meet every single friend he has.  That would be unreasonable. 

Is it that you want to meet them all?  Plan what you want to say to him and what you expect.  Be gentle, because truthfully he is already handling this properly.  He's communicating with you, showing you respect, and asking how you feel.   Remember that he is entitled to some privacy, as long as he's not showing signs of cheating on you or disrespecting you, you don't need to be privy to every single communication he has with every female friend.  You likely would not appreciate it if he acted insecure about every time you messaged another guy friend. 

Really think about what your goal is here.  Your relationship is SO new and he is truthfully doing all he ought to in this moment.  Your own insecurity and jealousy issues are not his to solve.  Perhaps you need to think about if you truly ARE okay with your partner having opposite gender friends.  There's no right or wrong here, but it IS important that you are on the same page about this issue, or you will just be wasting each other's time with this significant incompatibility. 

Take some time to think about this, please.  Because I'm truly not sure what it is in the moment that you wish to see changed on his part.  It's not unreasonable to have not met all of his friends within a few months and he IS talking to you about things instead of hiding them.  Perhaps it may be wise to see how the next few months go and then reassess if a conversation needs to be had.  In the meanwhile, please consider seeing a counselor so you can pinpoint your feelings and try to assess if you really are okay with a partner having opposite gender friends.  That is key.