He doesn't like me going out with others

[AGrPerson]

I've met a guy the day before yesterday through dating apps and yesterday we went on our first date. Today I have made plans going out on a first date with another guy I've met through dating apps. When the guy asked me what are my plans for today I told him that I'm planning to go out. He asked if I'll be going out with a guy and I said yes. Things got awkward after me telling him that. He said that his actions showed that he wanted us to be exclusive and that I could cancel my date. We never agreed to be exclusive, plus I think it's way too soon for that talk. We've only been on one date. He said to call him and tell him how the date went... We haven't talked since then. My question is: How do I handle situations like this? Would it have been better to avoid telling him that I had planned a date for today?

[yogacat]

I realize that you're trying to be forthcoming but you could've simply said, "I'm looking forward to seeing where things go with you, but I already have plans for tonight." By not mentioning another guy specifically, you're still being honest without potentially hurting his feelings or making him feel like he's in competition.

That said, he really need not ask if you're going out with the other guy. I would have appreciated him more if he said that he prefers to date one person at a time and then learning that you are indeed going out on a date today, he could simply say, "well, I guess this isn't going to work out."

[lostandhurt]

Yes and no.  Yes in that it is none of his business and you do not owe him anything but no because it exposed his nature.  It was the first meet, not even a real date because you were a total stranger up to that point.  Also you are very correct that it is way to soon to even imply being exclusive.  That kind of talk scares people away.

 You are dating and getting to know people and that takes time so give it time.  I can't tell you if you should see him again but in my mind he dropped a little on the desirable list. 

 Next time just tell who ever that you are busy.  If they pry and want details just tell them you are busy.

 Never discuss a date with someone else you are meeting or dating.  Strange he would even ask for you to do that.  Yikes!

 Lost

[AGrPerson]

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I realize that you're trying to be forthcoming but you could've simply said, "I'm looking forward to seeing where things go with you, but I already have plans for tonight." By not mentioning another guy specifically, you're still being honest without potentially hurting his feelings or making him feel like he's in competition.

That said, he really need not ask if you're going out with the other guy. I would have appreciated him more if he said that he prefers to date one person at a time and then learning that you are indeed going out on a date today, he could simply say, "well, I guess this isn't going to work out."

I just told him that I'm planning to go out tonight. He explicitly asked me if it would be with another guy. And I prefered telling him the truth.

It's not that he didn't make me a good first impression. It's that I didn't know he wanted us to be exclusive since we've just met yesterday in person.

I used to go out with one person at a time, but I've seen that those people who ask for exclusivity too soon are the ones who tend to lose interest too soon.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Yes and no.  Yes in that it is none of his business and you do not owe him anything but no because it exposed his nature.  It was the first meet, not even a real date because you were a total stranger up to that point.  Also you are very correct that it is way to soon to even imply being exclusive.  That kind of talk scares people away.

 You are dating and getting to know people and that takes time so give it time.  I can't tell you if you should see him again but in my mind he dropped a little on the desirable list. 

 Next time just tell who ever that you are busy.  If they pry and want details just tell them you are busy.

 Never discuss a date with someone else you are meeting or dating.  Strange he would even ask for you to do that.  Yikes!

 Lost

I tried changing the subject but he was too pushy. And I don't like lying to people.

[Seraphim]

I would be on guard because he has gotten strange from the very first meeting. You are strangers essentially and he is already out of sorts . 

[lostandhurt]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

I tried changing the subject but he was too pushy. And I don't like lying to people.

And there is your answer.  After only a first meet he is pushy and prying into your personal business.  Big red flag.  Can you imagine what he would be like if you were in a relationship with him?

  I am sure you have other options right?

 Good luck on your other date today.

Lost

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I just told him that I'm planning to go out tonight. He explicitly asked me if it would be with another guy. And I prefered telling him the truth.

It's not that he didn't make me a good first impression. It's that I didn't know he wanted us to be exclusive since we've just met yesterday in person.

No need to lie.  Answer with "that's kind of personal -why do you need to know?" I personally would not interact with anyone who was that pushy, including for that reason. Red flag.

[boltnrun]

Where are you finding these men?   This is the second one who's tried to get you into an "insta-relationship"

 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I just told him that I'm planning to go out tonight. He explicitly asked me if it would be with another guy. And I prefered telling him the truth.

It's not that he didn't make me a good first impression. It's that I didn't know he wanted us to be exclusive since we've just met yesterday in person.

I used to go out with one person at a time, but I've seen that those people who ask for exclusivity too soon are the ones who tend to lose interest too soon.

And that's fine, you're not looking for someone who wants to lock you down right away - you want to take your time, see what's out there, and make a decision on who you want to settle down with. He seems to prefer to date one person at a time, and that's okay too.

It's just different approaches and neither one is necessarily right or wrong, it's just about compatibility and what works for each person. Sure, there are some men that try to pressure you into exclusivity right away for nefarious reasons and asking if you're going  out with another guy already that quickly when you just met the day prior is a bit off-putting and he certainly could have handled it better.

If that's his preference, all he needs to do is communicate that he prefers seeing one person at a time without making it seem like you've personally wronged him. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

And that's fine, you're not looking for someone who wants to lock you down right away - you want to take your time, see what's out there, and make a decision on who you want to settle down with. He seems to prefer to date one person at a time, and that's okay too.

It's just different approaches and neither one is necessarily right or wrong, it's just about compatibility and what works for each person. Sure, there are some men that try to pressure you into exclusivity right away for nefarious reasons and asking if you're going  out with another guy already that quickly when you just met the day prior is a bit off-putting and he certainly could have handled it better.

If that's his preference, all he needs to do is communicate that he prefers seeing one person at a time without making it seem like you've personally wronged him. 

I think the way he went about it was rude.  I think if he felt that way -which is atypical- he should have put it in his profile or told her before they met that if she met him in person and they decided to see each other again he expected exclusivity.  Were it me in her shoes I'd have felt like I wasted my time and stressed from his pushy attitude.

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

When the guy asked me what are my plans for today I told him that I'm planning to go out. He asked if I'll be going out with a guy and I said yes. Things got awkward after me telling him that. He said that his actions showed that he wanted us to be exclusive and that I could cancel my date.

This sounds like a potential repeat of the last guy you posted about! 

Pushes for exclusivity after ONE meet/date from.a dating app?

Next him immediately.  Like the last guy, he is NOT right in the head.  No question.

Block and delete. 

@AGrPerson, please learn when to weed certain guys out.  Please!  

The last guy did same, you went along with his agenda and when he began pulling back and acting dismissive and cold after three weeks, you became "devastated" (your words).

Did you learn anything from that?  

Have fun on your date today and forget about yesterday's guy is my advice, huge red flag, blazing! 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

. When the guy asked me what are my plans for today I told him that I'm planning to go out. He asked if I'll be going out with a guy and I said yes. He said that  I could cancel my date. 

Sorry this happened. Try not to over share in general and with random men in particular. You dodged a bullet. It's a red flag barking orders and asking nosy questions and to report back to him.

Please do not report to this guy. It would be best to delete and block him and cut your losses as soon as red flags like this appear. 

[smackie9]

How do you handle this? Block/delete/lose his number. Punt this complainer to the curb.

[AGrPerson]

38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Where are you finding these men?   This is the second one who's tried to get you into an "insta-relationship"

 

I literally don't know! I feel a lot of people my age (25-30) are like that.

He says big things too. Like in the last 3 years he has avoided going out with girls on dates and that I'm the only one who he's been interested to go out with on a date.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I literally don't know! I feel a lot of people my age (25-30) are like that.

He says big things too. Like in the last 3 years he has avoided going out with girls on dates and that I'm the only one who he's been interested to go out with on a date.

No, "people" are not like that.

Please tell us you didn't agree to be exclusive and aren't considering yourself in a relationship with this guy, who seems EXACTLY like the previous guy you were "devastated" over after only three weeks.

It's OK to be discerning.

[AGrPerson]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the way he went about it was rude.  I think if he felt that way -which is atypical- he should have put it in his profile or told her before they met that if she met him in person and they decided to see each other again he expected exclusivity.  Were it me in her shoes I'd have felt like I wasted my time and stressed from his pushy attitude.

The truth is, before going out with him he said that he wants to take things slow and more casual. He might have said that to sound cooler though.

[AGrPerson]

Just now, boltnrun said:

No, "people" are not like that.

Please tell us you didn't agree to be exclusive and aren't considering yourself in a relationship with this guy, who seems EXACTLY like the previous guy you were "devastated" over after only three weeks.

It's OK to be discerning.

No, I've said that it's too soon to consider exclusivity, and that I would like us to get to know each other first.

[yogacat]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the way he went about it was rude.  I think if he felt that way -which is atypical- he should have put it in his profile or told her before they met that if she met him in person and they decided to see each other again he expected exclusivity.  Were it me in her shoes I'd have felt like I wasted my time and stressed from his pushy attitude.

No doubt.

I think there is a tendency for you to be a bit passive OP in your dating approach. Please don't feel like you need to mention everything - for example, you were tired but pushed through an abusive workout. I don't see how and why you had to disclose that to either guy.

What was it supposed to achieve because maybe you mentioned it in the context of recovering and taking care of yourself but why talk about any of that? You see, there is a fine line between sharing and I think this exact example proves it.

It's true that you don't have to mention everything, but in this case, I think it would have been better to simply say you had plans rather than explicitly mentioning going on a date with another guy. It's not about hiding things or being deceitful, but just keeping things focused on the present and not potentially stirring up unnecessary tension.

Of course, if the guy directly asked if you were going on a date, it's understandable that you would answer truthfully, but otherwise, it's not necessary to mention it. And yes, the way he went about it was rude and presumptuous.

But practice makes perfect. Keep dating, and you'll get better at navigating these situations and knowing how much to share with each person. And don't overthink things—quick, casual responses are usually best, and it's not your job to make everyone feel comfortable all the time. 

Good points of honesty - just remember that it is a double edged sword - there is a proper time for this, and it has to be given in the proper manner. Part of growing in relationship is understanding how emotional maturity will benefit you in the long run.

You will encounter several forms of emotional intelligence - emotional abusers, emotional control freaks, emotional avoiders, and then the list goes on. And then you have your emotional stabilizers - this is what an overall versatile and wise man would be - one who exhibits good qualities for you to emulate where you can breeze through any negative energy thrown your way. 

You self-confessed in a very small way that you were going on a date with someone else... maybe starting it off with, "I've been tired so I what I have in store for me, I plan to get a good night's rest."

Or, just block and delete, which is a lot easier. But for you, I think it would serve you well to be more assertive and more firm. You're unsure and uncertain but you would not have betrayed anything if you said something like "I've got plans tomorrow that I cannot deal for. How can we catch up another day?" or something like "I am very tired and recovering from a workout. So let me catch my breath first and we can make plans together then."

What happens if he says "let's go to the movies". He just lost his shot and whether or not you want to go to the movies with him in particular you shut the door a little. 😉 

 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

No, I've said that it's too soon to consider exclusivity, and that I would like us to get to know each other first.

And how did he respond?

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

No doubt.

I think there is a tendency for you to be a bit passive OP in your dating approach. Please don't feel like you need to mention everything - for example, you were tired but pushed through an abusive workout. I don't see how and why you had to disclose that to either guy.

What was it supposed to achieve because maybe you mentioned it in the context of recovering and taking care of yourself but why talk about any of that? You see, there is a fine line between sharing and I think this exact example proves it.

It's true that you don't have to mention everything, but in this case, I think it would have been better to simply say you had plans rather than explicitly mentioning going on a date with another guy. It's not about hiding things or being deceitful, but just keeping things focused on the present and not potentially stirring up unnecessary tension.

Of course, if the guy directly asked if you were going on a date, it's understandable that you would answer truthfully, but otherwise, it's not necessary to mention it. And yes, the way he went about it was rude and presumptuous.

But practice makes perfect. Keep dating, and you'll get better at navigating these situations and knowing how much to share with each person. And don't overthink things—quick, casual responses are usually best, and it's not your job to make everyone feel comfortable all the time. 

Good points of honesty - just remember that it is a double edged sword - there is a proper time for this, and it has to be given in the proper manner. Part of growing in relationship is understanding how emotional maturity will benefit you in the long run.

You will encounter several forms of emotional intelligence - emotional abusers, emotional control freaks, emotional avoiders, and then the list goes on. And then you have your emotional stabilizers - this is what an overall versatile and wise man would be - one who exhibits good qualities for you to emulate where you can breeze through any negative energy thrown your way. 

You self-confessed in a very small way that you were going on a date with someone else... maybe starting it off with, "I've been tired so I what I have in store for me, I plan to get a good night's rest.

Or, just block and delete, which is a lot easier. But for you, I think it would serve you well to be more assertive and more firm. You're unsure and uncertain but you would not have betrayed anything if you said something like "I've got plans tomorrow that I cannot deal for. How can we catch up another day?" or something like "I am very tired and recovering from a workout. So let me catch my breath first and we can make plans together then."

What happens if he says "let's go to the movies". He just lost his shot and whether or not you want to go to the movies with him in particular you shut the door a little. 😉

It's not like he wanted us to go out together. (We've already planned a date for tomorrow.) He just wanted to know if I'd be going on a date with someone else. That's why he asked directly if I had planned a date with someone else.

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

It's not like he wanted us to go out together. (We've already planned a date for tomorrow.) He just wanted to know if I'd be going on a date with someone else. That's why he asked directly if I had planned a date with someone else.

Look, we can assauge a million labels to this guy. 

He could be insecure, possessive, controlling, jealous, or just curious. 

But ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about his question and the fact that he asked it. If you feel uncomfortable or uneasy about it, then that's quite different but I just don't want you to feel like you have to justify it or label him in a certain way. 

Like someone else mentioned, it's really none of his business if you are dating someone else. And if he's actually interested in you, he should focus on making a good impression and building a connection with you.

If you're going on a date with someone else is not to his liking then he can choose not to go another date with you. But it's not up to him to control your dating life or dictate who you can and cannot go on dates with. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

He said to call him and tell him how the date went...

Uh, no. It is not his business. Please don't actually do this. 

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

He said that his actions showed that he wanted us to be exclusive and that I could cancel my date

Uh, also no. You have had one date with this man. It would be nuts to become exclusive and even worse to follow his suggestion that you cancel this date. 

He sounds off. It's one thing if he's not comfortable with multi-dating and chooses not to see you again, but it's another for him to try to rush you into exclusivity and tell you to report back to him about your date. 

Remember the last guy who showed you red flags almost immediately? This guy is not much different. 

 

[Andrina]

It's smarter to have a don't ask, don't tell policy with early dating on OLD. As in, you have to assume people are multi-dating when it's just initial first and second dates with various people. So yes, if someone asks you out and you're busy, you say "I have plans. I'm free on X, or Y or Z."

But yes, a person pressing you like this guy did is rude and out of line, so giving him the truth is the opposite of what you want to do. As said, it's a red flag because his interrogation is unacceptable. 

Now, when you're having repeat dates with someone and it's going well, and you're both wanting to be physically affectionate, it is not out of line for you and or a guy to ask, "I was wondering what your dating style is. Do you like to multi-date for a short time, or a longer period like two or three months before deciding to become exclusive?"

Because people have certain comfort levels of how they like to date, so that's fine to bring up and see if whom you're dating is on the same page. It's just how people go about those talks in deciding to go further or to stop.

As far as your telling the truth goes, make sure you don't have black and white standards for that. There are grey areas. Just because a person asks you something, doesn't mean you have to answer. Such as if a guy, who is in a relationship with you or not, asks how many men you've slept with. IMO, you can instead say something like, "I find that info irrelevant. What is relevant is my relationship history which shows I have the capability of being in a long term relationship, and know how to be a good partner."

[Batya33]

He is showing you who he is and realize this is his first impression -his best.  For your safety if you feel you must see him again please only in a public place and stay sober.