Would you bring that up? (early stage)

[Sindy_0311]

Hey ya all! it’s Saturday, and tonight I’m having a date with a guy I met 3 weeks ago. We go along well sofar, we saw each other about 8 times, and had sex for first time last Tuesday. 
Tonight, he will stay over and he invited me to go to thermal baths tomorrow. Now the issue is I have a surgery planned in March to remove some unaesthetically veins on my left leg, I already mentioned that to him in a random discussion. I really want to go to the baths, it’s something I really enjoy, I'm sure we can have such a good time there. But I’m not sure about telling him my leg bothers me. I don’t want him to be disgusted or look at it. I know that sounds silly. I feel very comfortable with this man and wonder whether I should tell him about my little issue. Or should I just propose something else to avoid feeling embarrassed. Once we will be in the water, I will be ok. What would you do? Would that be a turn of for a guy? Have to mention that he already saw me naked, but when I’m lying, my veins aren’t so apparent. 

Guys, you have 4 hours to help me on that, I won’t be online after that. 😁

Looking forward to read your insights. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. Or should I just propose something else to avoid feeling embarrassed. 

This seems like a good idea. Why be uncomfortable? 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like a good idea. Why be uncomfortable? 

I knew you would say that lol... So should I tell him the reason why? 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

... So should I tell him the reason why? 

Why bring up insecurities at all? Just suggest something else and say you're not in the mood for it. 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why bring up insecurities at all? Just suggest something else and say you're not in the mood for it. 

Because he asked a few days ago, he knows I enjoy baths and I accepted to go.

Today I just started thinking about it after he mentioned how he is looking froward to share that activity together... He might not get why I changed my mind. 

[Starlight925]

Tell him the truth.  Say that you are having a cosmetic procedure on your legs and that you'd love to go to the thermal baths after that, but for today, can we do a movie?  see a show?  walk around the park?  etc.

 

[Kwothe28]

Unless its something really gross I dont think he would care. Heck I dont think he would even notice since you would be pressumably in a swimming suit so his look would probably be elsewhere lol

Go enjoy baths.

[Starlight925]

The reason I said not go isn't because of whether or not he notices.

It's whether or not Sindy is her best self in the baths, whether she is so self-conscious about it that she won't fully enjoy herself.  I get that.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sindy_0311how did your previous boyfriends react to it? 

I understand how you feel, there is so much pressure on women to look "perfect" and when we meet a man we REALLY like, we want to look and be perfect for him.

I think you should go.  Let him see it.  Be open about how you feel about it (self-conscious), allow him to see that side of you (vulnerability). 

That is how you build emotional intimacy.  Do NOT be afraid of it, it's a good thing! 

Lord, this man has been inside you!

If your leg and him seeing your vulnerable side turn him off and he runs off, good riddance.

I don't think he will though. 

[mylolita]

Afternoon Sindy!

 

I am curious! I imagine maybe you didn’t bare all during sex I presume? He may have already seen your “imperfection” and been cool with it! 
 

If you want to mention it, mention it. He probably won’t notice. I am thinking your issue is a varicose vein which is quite common and I believe a simple and quick procedure? 
 

I know exactly where you are coming from though. I’ve always been very slim myself, and confident - and I was invited in a spa day by my best friend when heavily pregnant with my first baby at 27/28. I remember suddenly noticing I’d developed a few stretch marks on my upper thighs and my friend, when she saw them in my bathing suit; she actually said; “Oh bless you!” Which made me feel bad about them when I wasn’t before! 
 

We all have imperfections. I was skinny and had traces of cellulite on my behind as well; as a lot of women do. I can improve it with lots of water drinking, dry brushing and exercise but it will never fully go away. I have seen models with traces of it too, and celebrities. 
 

Thing is - your new guy finds you hot and attractive and wants to be with you! This isn’t going to break things for him! Go, enjoy yourself!

 

If you want to feel a little more confident, you can buy specialist body makeup that is waterproof. It’s normally reserved for covering tattoos and heavy bruises for film and photo shoots. I’ve been on a few shoots and if you are having your legs out, they do apply body makeup and shimmer. Some false gradual tans can also improve the look of the skin when applied professionally and minimise the look of blemishes, veins, stretch marks, etc. 

 

But honestly; as others have said! Wear a cute bikini, pile your hair in a way that makes you look good and your confidence will shine through, not your perceived “imperfection!” 
 

x

 

(PS - just an observation and to add - from my experience with men and my husband, one the most off putting and unattractive things a woman can do is be self conscious and negative about her body. I personally wouldn’t mention it to him, but obviously it’s cool if you do. But I know my husband personally hates me trashing myself now and then and actually tells me to “shut up” LOL!) 

[catfeeder]

I don't think there's a 'wrong' answer for you. It's taken me most of my lifetime to grow comfortable with who I am, wrinkles and all, veins and all, grays and all. So If a man wants perfection, he's not looking for me. 

It's ironic that by the time we mellow into our flaws, we look back and can't imagine why we got so hung up on smaller things while we were so gorgeous.

Either way, I hope you'll enjOy your date, Sindy.

[Sindy_0311]

I have been reading all your posts! Thank you so much! I’m still having two hours time to read others insights. I might not reply tonight, but I will keep you updated tomorrow anyway. Have to go shave my legs now lol 

[Sindy_0311]

Also have to mention that he opened up about a cancer he had a few years ago and the fact that he had one testicle missing. He goes through testosterone injections and also mentionned his body not being as perfect etc… 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Also have to mention that he opened up about a cancer he had a few years ago and the fact that he had one testicle missing. He goes through testosterone injections and also mentionned his body not being as perfect etc… 

There ya go.   HE was open with you, made himself vulnerable to you by sharing that. 

See my previous post.  Stop being afraid. 

I don't know him but from the little you've shared, he sounds like a keeper. 💛

[boltnrun]

I have a massive scar on my abdomen.  It's about five inches long and almost a quarter inch wide in some spots.  Oh, and it's crooked, AND the doctor wasn't careful when he sewed me back together so some of my natural belly fat got pushed more to one side than the other, so I have a bulge on my left side (right side is perfectly flat).  After my surgery I stopped wearing bikinis and switched to a tankini but that was more for the general public than any man I dated.  I've "been with" two men since the surgery and neither one cared one bit about my scar.  In fact, my ex used to go down to my scar and kiss my tummy next to it and warn it not to hurt me or he'd be mad at it.  I was totally nude in front of these two guys too.

I don't think this guy will be repulsed.  I think he'll see it as a natural part of being human.

[rainbowsandroses]

Sindy, most importantly imo is to be real.

If you feel a bit self-conscious that's OK!  Please don't be afraid to show him that side of you.

You're not trashing yourself, you're letting him into your world, the side where you're strong and confident but also the side that's a bit unsure and vulnerable.

Just like HE did with you. 

Those are the BEST relationships, where you're not afraid to be truly "seen" by the other.  It's about acceptance.

My experience anyway. 

Enjoy!  And yes let us know! 

[mylolita]

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, most importantly imo is to be real.

If you feel a bit self-conscious that's OK!  Please don't be afraid to show him that side of you.

You're not "trashing" yourself, you're letting him into your world, the side where you're strong and confident but also the side that's a bit unsure and vulnerable.

Just like HE did with you. 

Those are the BEST relationships, where you're not afraid to be truly "seen" by the other.  It's about acceptance.

My experience anyway. 

Enjoy!  And yes let us know! 

Also; just to add - when I mention women “trashing” themselves I mean that, most of us can get into a cycle and tendency of overly focusing on perceived imperfections, talking negatively about them with our spouses. It’s not a pleasant thing and it does well to either mention it if you want to but in a matter of fact way or; just not at all! 
 

It’s such a small thing Sindy that from where I’m standing, it hardly seems worth the mention! 
 

The cancer is to me, something more weighty so I can see why he would have mentioned that to you!
 

But obviously do exactly as you feel comes natural and maybe just see how you feel on the day, in the moment! 
 

x

[Batya33]

Sindy to make you laugh I'll share this.  I had sex with one boyfriend who wasn't in love with me.  I was.  I felt like I had to be perfect -I wanted him to fall for me.  He wasn't perfect at all -he was obese -very obese -so -how ironic.  Anyway one night I was staying over and woke up all sweaty in the middle of the night and realized my hair which I used to iron straight -was a frizzy mess.  I snuck out grabbed my hair iron and spent around 15-20 minutes in the guest bathroom trying to smooth it.  I thought he was asleep.  But he wasn't.  So he noticed I was gone for a really long time and he asked why and I made some vague comments and wouldn't tell him.  He actually harped on it which was unusual for him.  Looking back - I realized - I should not have been in such an imbalanced relationship or having sex in that situation where I went to that ridiculous extreme. 

Yes my husband over the years has lovingly called me Cousin It and we laugh (he has perfect hair, darn it).  I am cool looking how I look with him for the most part -meaning yes I care but not.... to that extent.  I realize you are not yet in love, etc and you're cool with having sex before that but if you feel like you have to impress him to this extent ask yourself why.  I wish I had back then and left him at that point. Maybe you'll realize it's a you thing and not because there's an imbalance -doesn't seem so in your situation.

I can relate to your feelings and I'd tell him about the planned procedure and I think it will be a good way to get to know him better and yourself.  I know you said yes to the baths and it's ok to change your mind!

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It'a such a small thing Sindy that from where I’m standing, it hardly seems worth the mention! 

Fair enough!  For you. 

But the fact @Sindy_0311 was concerned enough to create this thread would suggest (at least to me) it may not be such a small thing for her? 

I don't think any of us can determine that, what's small to one person may be a larger issue for another. 

No matter what she feels, I think it's important to be real. 

She doesn't need to point it out, but to decline going and suggest something else like a movie (as was suggested) is avoidance and I don't believe in that. 

And if HE notices Sindy, I think it's OK to tell him it's an issue that has troubled you and you're having surgery in March to correct.  It's nothing to feel shame about or have to hide.

Face fears and anxieties straight on, don't run away from them.

JMO. 😀

[ShySoul]

Sindy, I know I'm too late to help on this issue and I hope you made whatever decision made you feel most comfortable. As a male let me say that I wouldn't care about a cosmetic procedure or be turned off by something like that. If I've gone out with someone that many times and trusted them enough to sleep with them, it would mean that I like them for them, not just for how they look. I would think they were beautiful no matter what. People tend to be more insecure about themselves and find fault with little things that others don't care about and probably don't even notice. The important thing for me is that the person I am with is healthy and happy. If she isn't, then I want to do everything in my power to help her become healthy and happy. I have no problem with "slight imperfections." Hey, that might even make them cuter in my book.

[smackie9]

He's seen you naked....I don't think he's going to mind.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Also have to mention that he opened up about a cancer he had a few years ago and the fact that he had one testicle missing. He goes through testosterone injections and also mentionned his body not being as perfect etc… 

If anything, he of all people will be much more understanding of the nasty tricks nature plays on our bodies and the ensuing difficulties. 

My guess is that he is going to be kind and sympathetic (if he even notices to begin with)  He's dealt with a much bigger battle with his body, so he will get it, 

[mylolita]

I think usually, when you first meet someone you really like, and are falling in love with, you want to put your best foot forward, physically and behaviour wise, so I completely understand being self conscious about things that may seem small to others. 
 

I think @Batya33 we can all relate to your story! I did something very similar when I was seeing my husband! 
 

I have naturally rosy cheeks, I’m very pale, and when I met my husband I used to hide them using light concealer or foundation. I haven’t worn foundation for over a decade now; but I remember we had just started sleeping together. We were absolutely head over heels for each other. I think this might have been roughly the third time I ever slept with him (I had been a virgin, he was my first) and the bedroom antics and everything, he had stubble and when I went into the bathroom to look in the mirror, to my horror it had rubbed off my make-up! 
 

I tried to hurry past him in the bedroom. He made a comment about how glowing I looked and my complexion was like an English rose. That got me even more wound up (insane, right?!) so I made an excuse to drive back to my parents, re-apply make up then slide back into his house as if nothing had happened. I remember getting back and he said; “You look different!” 
 

Months after that incident, I came to realise my complexion was one of the things he found attractive about me! And still to this day, it’s one of the things he compliments so much! 
 

I realise your medical procedure is something different to this but the self consciousness is the same. My bets are he likely won’t notice! 
 

I hope your date goes great and you had fun! 
 

x

[Sindy_0311]

Hi! Thank you all for your gentle responses. They all helped me a lot!
He came to my place yesterday in the evening. We have been talking about the baths, which one to choose etc, he asked again whether I wanted to go and I simply replied yes, then I said joking something like but don’t be surprised if I jump from one swimming pool to the other, as I told you I still have my veins issues and don’t really like to show my legs in public for the moment. He then said, your legs are good, look at me, I’m far from perfect, and I don’t care. We agreed to go and I was feeling good about it. But we went to sleep very late yesterday, had sex multiple times, and this morning also. At noon we were exhausted (we are both 40 lol) and damn hungry. that’s why I suggested we go eat a burger instead. We agreed to keep the baths for another date. 

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I have naturally rosy cheeks,

Today he noticed joking in a cute way how my face blushes after sex. It’s because I have a sensitive skin, and the rubbing and kissing doesn’t help at all… maybe also caused by blood circulation idk. 

I know I’m not perfect, and he neither is. Outside of my personality, he does compliment me a lot. And his answer yesterday was perfect for me. Somehow he always does and says the perfect thing… he asked for exclusivity on our 3rd date saying that he was attached to me and didn’t want to suffer. And we are very compatible. it’s kinda scary but great… will see how this develops.

@rainbowsandroses I have been opening up to him about another topic today. I really want to be true this time. Either he embraces it, either he’s not the one…. 

Have a beautiful Sunday! 

[Sindy_0311]

22 hours ago, mylolita said:

Afternoon Sindy!

 

I am curious! I imagine maybe you didn’t bare all during sex I presume? He may have already seen your “imperfection” and been cool with it! 
 

If you want to mention it, mention it. He probably won’t notice. I am thinking your issue is a varicose vein which is quite common and I believe a simple and quick procedure? 
 

I know exactly where you are coming from though. I’ve always been very slim myself, and confident - and I was invited in a spa day by my best friend when heavily pregnant with my first baby at 27/28. I remember suddenly noticing I’d developed a few stretch marks on my upper thighs and my friend, when she saw them in my bathing suit; she actually said; “Oh bless you!” Which made me feel bad about them when I wasn’t before! 
 

We all have imperfections. I was skinny and had traces of cellulite on my behind as well; as a lot of women do. I can improve it with lots of water drinking, dry brushing and exercise but it will never fully go away. I have seen models with traces of it too, and celebrities. 
 

Thing is - your new guy finds you hot and attractive and wants to be with you! This isn’t going to break things for him! Go, enjoy yourself!

 

If you want to feel a little more confident, you can buy specialist body makeup that is waterproof. It’s normally reserved for covering tattoos and heavy bruises for film and photo shoots. I’ve been on a few shoots and if you are having your legs out, they do apply body makeup and shimmer. Some false gradual tans can also improve the look of the skin when applied professionally and minimise the look of blemishes, veins, stretch marks, etc. 

 

But honestly; as others have said! Wear a cute bikini, pile your hair in a way that makes you look good and your confidence will shine through, not your perceived “imperfection!” 
 

x

 

(PS - just an observation and to add - from my experience with men and my husband, one the most off putting and unattractive things a woman can do is be self conscious and negative about her body. I personally wouldn’t mention it to him, but obviously it’s cool if you do. But I know my husband personally hates me trashing myself now and then and actually tells me to “shut up” LOL!) 

Thank you for your post. Yes its varicose. and it’s not very esthetic. I canot hide with makeup as the veines are swollen. But they don’t appear so big when I’m lying, and i know how to hide them while having sex…  it never really was an issue, but these last month they became more apparent. But I had to wait since September for the procedure to finally be planned. I am also skinny. And that’s why they are more apparent. 
We agreed that we will go to the bath in the evening someday. In the night I will feel less embraced when leaving the pool to get my towel near to it…