text message

[quark]

Hey!  Long time no talk in the relationship department!  Some of you may remember my username.. I've posted quite a lot over the years.  I am still with the same boyfriend but I have to say things have really changed for the better.  We used to be very catty with each other at times, hissing and striking like a snake. Our communication and understanding was so poor.  Happy to say we have both grown and matured a lot with each other in this relationship, and things have been really good.

 

That being said, I am at a loss at how to respond to a certain situation that arose yesterday.  I'm looking for some opinions.  We were in the car driving to the grocery store and he gets a text message that pops up on his nav screen.  It's from Tricia.  I know who this is, because he explained her as being "his stalker" before we started dating.  Said that she wanted to be with him, but he didn't feel for her like that.  They have hung out in the past; concerts, quick drinks, stuff like that.

He just cancelled the alert and didn't say anything at all.  I thought it was really odd that he was acting like nothing happened.  And listen, nothing did happen.  I'm not jealous of this girl, I trust him to be faithful.  Maybe they do text back and forth and I just was never aware?  He's allowed to have friends, that's fine.  It's just -- the lack of acknowledgement that has me itching.

So, I peeked at his phone while he used the restroom (I know-tsk tsk..) and it was just her asking about his work schedule because I assume she wants to drop in and pay him a visit.  She did also ask if he "popped the question yet".  And I guess this can be seen as a peace offering that she is not trying to pursue him, but it could also be a gauge of how committed he is so she can decide to pursue.

 

I hate that I'm like this - but if he would have just said "Oh, Ugh, that's Tricia again.  etcetc".  Sure, I might have been miffed, but I feel like I would have been comforted by his acknowledgement and transparency about it.   Tell me if I'm being crazy?  Should I bring it up to him that I saw her name in the car and ask what she wanted (pretending I haven't read the message later) or should I let it go?   I don't want to start *** where there isn't.  Is it right that I am bothered by his perceived secrecy over this text?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, quark said:

.  It's from Tricia.  I know who this is, because he explained her as being "his stalker" before we started dating.  Said that she wanted to be with him, but he didn't feel for her like that.  They have hung out in the past; concerts, quick drinks, stuff like that.

What exactly is their relationship? Coworkers? Someone he dated? You could ask about "what did Trisha want?", but it seems he would rather keep their relationship and communication secret.

She obviously isn't a stalker and he welcomes her communication. Do you know her or do you just know of her? Why are they still hanging out? 

[Kwothe28]

So you didnt got the heater in the divorce because there was no divorce and he still hates the poor heater? That is dissapointing. Poor heater, I am worried about it. 😞

No loyal man would keep somebody like that in his life. Things are seemingly maybe better then before, but the fact he kept somebody like that in his life tells a lot about his character. OK maybe they work together. He still doesnt need to get personal texts from her. 

[quark]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly is their relationship? Coworkers? Someone he dated? You could ask about what did Trisha want, but it seems he would rather keep their relationship secret even though she obviously isn't a stalker and he welcomes her communication. 

That's the problem, what is their current relationship?  Back then,  she expressed interest in him, they might have gone on one date.  Not sure if there was even a kiss or anything.  But he said after he told her he didn't want a relationship, she would continue to show up at the restaurant to see him.  Hence "stalker".

I didn't think they had any kind of current relationship at all, which is why the text was surprising for me.  She will wish him happy birthday on facebook, and I thought that was the extent of their communication.  That's why this is bothersome.  Why is he entertaining someone he describes as his "stalker"? 

 

Edit:  If it's worth mentioning - she just got married this past July.

[quark]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So you didnt got the heater in the divorce because there was no divorce and he still hates the poor heater? That is dissapointing. Poor heater, I am worried about it. 😞

No loyal man would keep somebody like that in his life. Things are seemingly maybe better then before, but the fact he kept somebody like that in his life tells a lot about his character. OK maybe they work together. He still doesnt need to get personal texts from her. 

We have made amends.  Me, him and the heater all live in harmony now.  I'm hoping he is just being "nice".  They do not work together, I believe she recently relocated to the area where he works.

[boltnrun]

If your relationship is secure and going well, why are you hesitating to ask him? You should be beyond the stage of worrying what he thinks about you asking him a question or of "scaring him away".

[quark]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If your relationship is secure and going well, why are you hesitating to ask him? You should be beyond the stage of worrying what he thinks about you asking him a question or of "scaring him away".

You know what, you're right.  I guess it just feels awkward now, well after the fact.  I did not want to come off as jealous or "crazy", but I really feel like I have a right to know given the context.  I know myself, and if I don't nip this in the bud, I will go down a spiral of constantly checking her socials and his phone until I either feel satisfied or discover something hurtful.

 

Edit - similarly -- part of why this is bothering me so much is that maybe he didn't bring it up for fear that I would get upset.  I would hope that we are at a place in our relationship where he knows that I am comfortable and confident in our relationship.  (and therefore wont fly off the handle about Tricia)

[boltnrun]

So why can't you say "I know this is going to come across as awkward, but I saw Tricia's name come up on your phone and to be honest it kind of made me wonder. Is she still trying to stay in touch with you?"

[redswim30]

10 minutes ago, quark said:

You know what, you're right.  I guess it just feels awkward now, well after the fact.  I did not want to come off as jealous or "crazy", but I really feel like I have a right to know given the context.  I know myself, and if I don't nip this in the bud, I will go down a spiral of constantly checking her socials and his phone until I either feel satisfied or discover something hurtful.

 

Edit - similarly -- part of why this is bothering me so much is that maybe he didn't bring it up for fear that I would get upset.  I would hope that we are at a place in our relationship where he knows that I am comfortable and confident in our relationship.  (and therefore wont fly off the handle about Tricia)

Let's make one thing clear- She's NOT a stalker.  I've had stalkers- I blocked them on everything and called the cops.  I did NOT give them my cell phone number and communicate with them regularly- LOL.  She's in his life because he LETS her be. 

Your real fear has nothing to do with this woman.  Your real feel you've expressed here.  You and your BF have not reached a place where you both feel comfortable being completely honest with each other.  THAT's your real issue.  

 

[Andrina]

When you're considering becoming exclusive with someone, I believe an important discussion should involve whether or not you match as far as opposite sex friends goes. Boundaries should be made crystal clear, because a life with someone who has opposing views will be a life of upsets and frustrations.

Better late than never to discuss this now. Don't deny your true feelings to be the "cool" gf. What do you want to happen? Would you feel better meeting her in person and have him set up a double date? Since this was never just a platonic relationship, would you prefer he cut all communication with her? Do you have rules about forming new friendships with opposite sex friends, whereas each of you can go out singularly with that person and never involve the SO?

Be clear about that now, because marrying someone without discussing boundaries is plain stupid--hoping for the best and assuming your partner is on the same page. Bottling this up will never work, because you will eventually blow when the pressure becomes too much. Best to prepare everything you want to say in advance so you can have a clear, mellow discussion. Hiding things because it will upset you serves himself but will be extremely harmful to you. If that's his pattern, it doesn't bode well for a happy future together.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, quark said:

 she would continue to show up at the restaurant to see him.  Hence "stalker".  Why is he entertaining someone he describes as his "stalker"?  - she just got married this past July.

That she's recently married is interesting and sheds a somewhat different light on things. Please feel free to casually mention "what did Trisha want?", like you would any other friend or acquaintance.  Maybe he's flattered by the attention but it's obvious she moved on.

[Kwothe28]

40 minutes ago, quark said:

I'm hoping he is just being "nice".  They do not work together, I believe she recently relocated to the area where he works.

If they dont work together that means there is no need to even keep contact. And yet he does. Ask yourself why is that and why does he need somebody who "stalked him" by his own words. Because I can guarantee you dont know the whole story there and that he lying through the roof.

Also, I am glad heater is OK. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, quark said:

So, I peeked at his phone while he used the restroom (I know-tsk tsk..)

1 hour ago, quark said:

I know myself, and if I don't nip this in the bud, I will go down a spiral of constantly checking her socials and his phone until I either feel satisfied or discover something hurtful.

I'm in the camp that snooping your partner's devices is deceptive and just, well, wrong.

May I ask why you didn't ask to see the text versus snooping? 

There was a male poster a couple of days ago who did just that -  asked to see his girlfriend's phone for essentially the same reason as you (insecurity and suspicion about a text/texts) and he had more reason than you to feel that way.

He was harshly criticized for it, but at least he was honest with her for goodness sakes.  He didn't snoop.

In any event, I agree with @Andrinapost below. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

When you're considering becoming exclusive with someone, I believe an important discussion should involve whether or not you match as far as opposite sex friends goes. Boundaries should be made crystal clear, because a life with someone who has opposing views will be a life of upsets and frustrations.

Better late than never to discuss this now.

All the best. 

[boltnrun]

I think asking what the content of a text was is quite different from demanding to look in your partner's phone.

And yes, I think the OP already knows snooping is a really bad thing to do. I mean, what would be perceived as worse, asking your partner a question or having them find out you snooped in their phone? One might get a weird look, the other would be an extreme violation of privacy. 

I still think if the relationship is going as well as you have said, you should feel comfortable asking a question. If he gets defensive or gaslights and/or deflects, that will tell you a lot about how he sees the relationship.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I mean, what would be perceived as worse, asking your partner a question or having them find out you snooped in their phone? One might get a weird look, the other would be an extreme violation of privacy. 

Totally agree.

[Batya33]

If my husband’s ex gf before me randomly texted him I’d ask why. I’d feel comfortable asking why. And I’m actually pretty sure if he saw I saw he’d tell me why. They’re in the same general field so I could see her emailing him at work from her work email with a work related email.  Maybe they do.  I don’t know. I don’t care. I trust him. But if she texted him on his personal phone and he saw I saw my best guess is he’d turn off the alert and comment to me with some reaction. 
I think it’s positive that she’s married. And asked him if he was going to propose. Normal stuff between friends. Maybe way back when she stalked him but she’s not a stalker role. He and she are acquainted.  He is comfortable being in touch with her.  
I agree you shouldn’t have snooped. That seems like a very big overreaction if fi you’re in a good place. 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, quark said:

I know who this is, because he explained her as being "his stalker" before we started dating.  

<snip>

it was just her asking about his work schedule because I assume she wants to drop in and pay him a visit. 

Does this make sense?

[waffle]

Anyway, no, as has been already pointed out, she is not a "stalker", she is an active participant in a relationship of some sort with him.  So if he wasn't truthful about that, what else might he not be truthful about?

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, quark said:

don't want to start *** where there isn't.  Is it right that I am bothered by his perceived secrecy over this text?

Then don't. 

Here's my thought- I would let it go but don't forget it.  like you could. but my point is if all of this...

3 hours ago, quark said:

And listen, nothing did happen.  I'm not jealous of this girl, I trust him to be faithful.  Maybe they do text back and forth and I just was never aware?  He's allowed to have friends, that's fine. 

Is all true.... give him one benefit of a doubt 

See what happens. Enjoy a happy relationship.

no one will react to things so quickly in a moment exactly the way you would.  Maybe he thought he'd say something but then you didn't bring it up.  

Maybe he did tell her he is very serious about you, the proposal and all.  

[waffle]

Something else you could do . . . 

Next time she texts him and you're in the car and it comes up on his nav screen that he has a text from her, ask him to play the message out loud.    

[quark]

10 minutes ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

 If this is you grown and matured you have a long way to go. 

That's rich, coming from someone whose username is "divorced".   Clearly none of us are perfect.  Just because you're mad at Wiseman2 doesn't mean you have to sling hurtful words my way 🙄

[quark]

So I asked him this morning about it in the most nonchalant way possible.  He immediately got a little defensive and let me know that she's married and she was asking more about me than anything anyway.  I said being married is of no consequence to a lot of people. He describes her as the kind of person that feels the need to keep in contact/friends with everybody.  I get that and I definitely get that impression from her. 

Then he brought up the time I got upset when his ex girlfriend's text message came through on the nav screen that one time (to wish him happy birthday).  I said that's different - I think it's weird behavior to wish an ex happy birthday years after you broke up when you have no type of friendship.  Not to mention, this particular ex came with a slew of mental baggage for me.  I feel like he was little deceitful about her.  He never really mentioned their relationship except in the context of "it was nothing, she's crazy".  I had to find out through facebook that it was actually a long and quite serious relationship.  They way he talked about her you'd have thought it was only a few months or something.

I also told him I was in a different place then, and that I hope he would know that I am way more confident and comfortable in our relationship.  He doesn't have to feel that I will spin out in a jealous rage.

He made a face when I described me caring more about someone he's actually dated and asked how do you define "dating".  Well, a romantic relationship - I said.   He says she probably sees it as they dated.  So obviously there was more that happened between them?  I don't care - it's in the past, but why purposefully keep information from me and/or lie about the type of relationship you had with someone?  It's annoying.    But anyhow - confirmed what I saw in the text.  Still feeling a little miffed over the whole thing but I am over it.

[Seraphim]

This is why I seeing hanging onto exes as causing problems. We really don’t need to hang onto every human being that has graced our life. 
I am sorry you have to deal with his hangers on. 

[boltnrun]

I don't wish exes happy birthday.  Why would I want an ex to notice me?

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, quark said:

But anyhow - confirmed what I saw in the text.  Still feeling a little miffed over the whole thing but I am over it.

Not sure how you can be "miffed" by it and "over it" at the same time but anyway my read on his response(s) is that he's manipulating you. 

He did a lousy job explaining, turned it around on you making you feel insecure and crazy for even asking (gaslighting).

I'm not saying he's hiding anything necessarily although it possible he might be; but doesn't matter, his defensive posture when you respectfully asked speaks volumes as to who's calling ALL the shots here.

I apologize if this was asked and answered but how long have you been dating/in a relationship?

Like @Andrinaposted earlier and I agree...

20 hours ago, Andrina said:

Boundaries should be made crystal clear, because a life with someone who has opposing views will be a life of upsets and frustrations.

Better late than never to discuss this now.

Stand your ground, get 100% honest with yourself.  If this is not something you're okay with (and I wouldn't be including his crap response), at this point, if me, I would be reconsidering if this is the right man and right relationship for me (you).