My mother's love is conditional but I feel like it's justified

[Seraphim]

I am pretty emotional and deeply empathetic however, I have never never never said those things to my son . 

[Jaunty]

12 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

My question is, people aren't perfect so how come we don't know sometimes things are said out of anger and that's that? Maybe they truly do not mean it, or maybe they simply thought it was true in the heat of the moment? 

I'm almost positive she does NOT mean it and she DOES say these things out of anger.    It's still VERBALLY ABUSIVE.  

So it does not reflect love or lack of love, it does reflect completely inappropriate behavior on her part, including a huge lack of boundaries.  She's evidently OK with lashing out at you when she is having a bad day because you are her child and she doesn't necessarily see a boundary between you.  

You almost certainly would benefit from seeing and talking to a counsellor.  There are tools you can learn to use to deal with this behavior.  You can't change her behavior though.  

It's important that you try to do this, because "accepting" this kind of abuse from your mother can easily lead to accepting  abusive relationships in your future.

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

My question is, people aren't perfect so how come we don't know sometimes things are said out of anger and that's that? Maybe they truly do not mean it, or maybe they simply thought it was true in the heat of the moment? I agree the comment is cruel, and it certainly has made me cry thinking about it more than once, but taking other times into account, I don't understand how we can expect someone to be 100% nice all the time. 

No, of course everyone isn’t nice all the time even parents but there’s no call for extraordinarily cruel comments like that. If she can’t contain herself, she needs to leave the room and go to her room and shut the door until she calms down. It all comes down to her lack of control.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Still there is no justification for those mean and soul destroying comments. Every child on the planet causes their parents issues at times and we don’t say those things. So, it isn’t you. 

Yes. My son is almost 15. I am honest with him when I am frustrated with his behavior and need space from him and I always make it clear I love him still.  I even used to give myself time outs and tell him I needed to calm down.  That's honest sharing.  I'm the grown up so no I don't get to blurt out whatever the heck I'm feeling.  I'm very specific that I don't like his behavior - not that I don't like "him".  And I've never ever regretted having him -the opposite!! - and of course I tell him when I'm stressed and/or exhausted when he makes bad choices or treats me with disrespect.  My husband -his dad -and I would never ever blame him for the many sacrifices we make -we tell him the opposite.  Because it's true!

Your mother has mental health issues IMO or something.  She's not just "being honest."  I'm so sorry and I hope you get the support you deserve.

Perfection is not the standard and humans make mistakes -your mother is not making "mistakes" -I agree with Seraphim.  MIstake is when I didn't believe my son was sick and just was tired/had a headache and perhaps didn't want to go to camp where he was a counselor in training.  Oops  turned out he had covid so about an hour later he was back home.  That's a mistake.  I'm not perfect.

[Starlight925]

Can I ask why you are trying to justify her behavior?

You keep coming up with "but she's so nice and loving", and "well it's said out of anger, isn't that normal"?

You opened up a topic here, so this is obviously bothering you.  But when asked, you defend her.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm trying to understand.

My mom used to respond, in anger, if I said "Mom" (like wanting to ask her a question):  "I'm not your Mom".  As in, right now, I'm mad at you, so you're not deserving to be my daughter.

That hurt me, it hurt me at 9 years old, at 15, at 40.  I made no justifications then, and I don't now.  

And it made me love her less and less over the years, as things added up.  To the point that to this day, I've never cried over her passing.   Mean is mean.  Cruel is cruel.

[boltnrun]

She has you convinced you're the problem. But she's wrong.

I don't care what's going on with me, I would never and will never speak to my children that way. It has nothing to do with "perfection". It's basic loving care.

If she's going to give you a hard time anyway I would continue to be the mature one and leave her presence when she chooses to say horrible things to you.

I'm sorry you believe you deserve to be talked to this way. You don't. 

[arjumand]

OP how old are you? 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She has you convinced you're the problem. But she's wrong.

I don't care what's going on with me, I would never and will never speak to my children that way. It has nothing to do with "perfection". It's basic loving care.

If she's going to give you a hard time anyway I would continue to be the mature one and leave her presence when she chooses to say horrible things to you.

I'm sorry you believe you deserve to be talked to this way. You don't. 

Again yes and yes and yes and Bolt has been a parent much much longer than me. I am real with my son. Real doesn’t mean blurting out nasty crap. With anyone. Especially not with your child. He sees right into me when I am at the end of my rope with him. He knows he’s pushed me to the limit. Or frankly he hears it. I’ve raised my voice I’ve cried and I’ve shook. My body shakes. And he has always known always I love him and the love is expressed as “right now I’m so upset with your behavior and I still love you “. Because he’s asked he’s asked to confirm just last night we argued over teeth brushing “mom are we still buddies ??”  I mean he’s almost 15 and he still needs to know during conflict - we are ALL IN. and I truly believe he always believes this and as is normal if two people are at odds with each other maube you need that extra reassurance. He sees me restrain myself. He sees me pause. He likes to ask me - even though you were so tired when you were pregnant and when I was born - did you think I was really cute? Were you so happy to have me in your belly even though I kicked you hard when you really needed to pee ?  He loves to hear how much we wanted him. How much we do now. Don’t all kids or most ?? Especially when you’re growing up and you have this sort of push pull with parents - you want freedom. You want independence. But home is still your soft landing place. How in the heck are you supposed to land softly if you’re waiting to set off the adult in the room who will bemoan the day she decided to have you and had you?  
Yup I’m judging. What is wrong with people?? I take that back if she is mentally ill and if for a reason we don’t know she is unable to access resources or support.

This whole thread wow. I’m typing this as my son buried in some inane YouTube video calls out “you’re a great mom!!”  Randomly. And I respond “oh you’re a decent teenager “.  We can joke that way because he knows I am and enjoys our banter. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, anbesivam said:

@Kwothe28 I don't think it's a bad grade thing? Because as I said, I've only been not doing as well the past year. I was consistently one of the high-achieving kids in class. But even then she'd flip out. For instance, the 'dying in the street' comment was said because I didn't air out the laundry when I said I would. I told her 5pm, it was 5 30 and I still hadn't done it and BAM. I don't actually know why she hates me so much. I don't think I'm a terrible person, I've never willingly hurt her, I never talk back when she says things, and I don't get mad. I've made some terrible mistakes in the past as a child but I never repeated them and she has never brought them up. So what could it possibly be?

You are young and dont think you get how abusers are, as you didnt had much experience with them. Abuser would use any chance to abuse you. If you did the laundry then you wouldnt do the laundry good, if you get lower grade then you should get higher grade etc. Its not about the laundry or about the grade, ofcourse you should have maybe done better. But this is about the abuser taking any chance to abuse you. One of my friends was engaged to a guy and lived with his parents but in different parts of the house. She would do the laundry and hang it on the wire and his mom would put it differently on the wire because "she didnt do it properly". This isnt about you and what you do or not do. Its about your mother abusing you. You having guilt because of that is just a byproduct of abuse.

And ofcourse there are way healthier ways for her to express her dissapointment in you then telling you that it would be better that you werent even born. That is just plain awful parenting and very abusive one.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, anbesivam said:

@Wiseman2 I don't know how to help her, it seems like I can't make myself do enough, I'm not sure what to do at all, completely clueless infact

No one is suggesting you "help her". Please talk to trusted adults such as teachers and counselors at school. 

[anbesivam]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

You keep coming up with "but she's so nice and loving", and "well it's said out of anger, isn't that normal"?

You opened up a topic here, so this is obviously bothering you.  But when asked, you defend her.

There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. I know for a fact that she loves me, and to a degree that seems so intense that I feel like I could never pay her back for it, nor could I compare it to anything else.

2. She's incredibly self sacrificing. She has spent a FORTUNE on me to give me the best opportunities.

3. I am trying to understand the topic from both sides. I am bothered by this, yes, but I did initially wonder (at time of asking) whether I was justified in thinking this way and that perhaps I was wrong to mistake her words.

4. I'm trying to give you all as much information as I can about the other 90% of the time, since that it is the majority and I don't want anyone to be misinformed and jump to conclusions.

5. Perhaps my belief that I am the problem is so deeply ingrained in me that I am just waiting for someone to validate the thing I've believed my entire life.  That my mother's perfect and I've ruined everything by being who I am. 

[anbesivam]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would continue to be the mature one and leave her presence when she chooses to say horrible things to you.

I just want to help, but it seems like the only person who can help her is herself. Thanks, guys.

[anbesivam]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one is suggesting you "help her". Please talk to trusted adults such as teachers and counselors at school. 

I'm 18, leaving school in a couple of weeks. Uni unconfirmed as of yet. Not sure what I'd say if I were to bring it up.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

my belief that I am the problem is so deeply ingrained in me that I am just waiting for someone to validate the thing I've believed my entire life.  That my mother's perfect and I've ruined everything by being who I am. 

And this is why it's vital to seek outside assistance for this belief. It's a false belief, but your mother has programmed you to have this belief because it benefits her.

Part of what I believe motivated my mother to disparage me was her fear of being alone and forgotten. My father had left and she never dated or remarried. Her full focus was on her two kids. She feared when we grew up we would leave her behind and never look back. So she tried to make sure I had such a low opinion of myself I would never leave. She became clinically depressed after my brother eloped and I got married and became a mother. She tripled down on her attempts to get me to ignore my husband and child and focus solely on her. But her attempts to hold onto me just pushed me away and caused me to resent her for trying to knock me down instead of building me up and for her attempts to guilt me into making her my sole focus. And yes, I did and do love her, but she was going about everything the wrong way. Sadly, she died within a couple of years of my child being born. It's sad because I believe she was unhappy, but that doesn't excuse the way she spoke to me. 

I do hope you plan to move away and go to school or get employment so you can get into your own housing. I think some distance will do you a world of good. 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

I'm 18, leaving school in a couple of weeks. Uni unconfirmed as of yet. Not sure what I'd say if I were to bring it up.

There's nothing to "bring up". You're 18 so you should be working hard with your school advisors counselors and teachers to apply for universities and get scholarships.

Your mother really has no say if you go away to university and get some financing for it. Please don't be this dependent on her. She's a damaged person. That's why she takes it out on you and this damaging way. Damaged people often damage others in their tornado of self loathing. 

 The only remedy is to get out of the house and forge your own life. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anbesivam said:

There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. I know for a fact that she loves me, and to a degree that seems so intense that I feel like I could never pay her back for it, nor could I compare it to anything else.

2. She's incredibly self sacrificing. She has spent a FORTUNE on me to give me the best opportunities.

3. I am trying to understand the topic from both sides. I am bothered by this, yes, but I did initially wonder (at time of asking) whether I was justified in thinking this way and that perhaps I was wrong to mistake her words.

4. I'm trying to give you all as much information as I can about the other 90% of the time, since that it is the majority and I don't want anyone to be misinformed and jump to conclusions.

5. Perhaps my belief that I am the problem is so deeply ingrained in me that I am just waiting for someone to validate the thing I've believed my entire life.  That my mother's perfect and I've ruined everything by being who I am. 

When you go to university avail yourself of counseling on campus to help with this unhealthy mindset. All good parents sacrifice a lot. Parents who do the whole martyr thing are doing a disservice to themselves and the kids. I sacrifice a lot. Time. Sleep.  Space. Privacy. And yes $.  we do tell our son to show respect and appreciation for what we do and give but never to make him think at all like he is a burden or we regret what we do. That’s just ridiculous. And mean. He gets to go to an awesome high school in part because he so badly wanted to go. We had to and have to spend so much extra time and drive him around in order to do this. So yes we expect him to appreciate it and work hard at this school. To do his part. It’s a huge sacrifice. Which we wouldn’t have done if we simply knew it was too much. There were boundaries we had. Because good parents show their kids- yes I love you to the moon and back. I have your back. I want the best for you. AND I also have to take care of me mentally and physically. So should you.
 

Martyr types are not good role models. Your mother had good intentions but either has mental health issues or didn’t respect her own boundaries and is now taking it out on you. Or some combo. I’m not a mental health provider I’m just a mom of a teenager.

Its Not ok. Pls don’t tell yourself it is. 

[anbesivam]

If anyone here is a moderator, please delete this thread/topic asap. My mom's going through my laptop

[Seraphim]

Password out your laptop .