My mother's love is conditional but I feel like it's justified

[anbesivam]

I think she always loves me, but she does also hate me constantly. It's weird because I see certain parts flare up at different times, and I'm not sure on how to deal with this. I've certainly made my share of mistakes, but they were all things like waking up late, failing classes, not excelling at some extracurriculars etc. I've only been doing badly in school the past year and she's told me a couple times that I've now failed at the only thing I was good at. She's also told me a lot of times that she regrets having me, and that her life would be better without me. Also that she threw away her career to raise me. And most notably (got to give her the points on literary skill for this one) she said that "If I were dying of thirst on the road, and I weren't her daughter, she wouldn't even throw me a second glance". [The point being that she only tolerates me because I am her daughter.]

To be fair the majority of the time, she's great and supportive and kind, and even when she's mad she still does things for me and cooks me food and looks out for me. I just don't understand how she can be so volatile, and whether it is okay for her to say these things. Is it okay to be offended/hurt by her remarks? Or are they coming from a place of worry, and I should just try harder?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Do your father and siblings live with you? Sadly your mother seems like a very broken person. 

Do you have teachers and counselors at school you could confide in about the troubles at home?  Please ask them for help applying for university and scholarships so you can go away to university and get out of that environment. 

[Jaunty]

It sounds like she is mentally ill.  I know a person with bi-polar who behaves like this.  

If this is the case, she does really love you.  I know this does not make it any better when she says truly vicious things to you, but know that they are not reflective of who you actually are.  They are reflecting a terrible issue (or several) that your mother has

Do you have any support?  Father, friends, other family, a counsellor, etc.   

[Starlight925]

How old are you?  Are you still living at home with her?  Is your dad around?  Siblings?

I'm sorry you're going through this.  People can love us but also have deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with us, allowing them to cause us pain.

You can, and should, distance yourself from her, by giving less of yourself to her.  Keep things on a very casual basis, as if she's a polite stranger, a teacher, etc.  The less you open up to her, the less chance she'll have of hurting you.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this . My father was severely mentally ill and abusive and mean. Is there an adult  you are close to that you can confide in ? 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think her remarks are necessery. My mom raised me as a single mom. Sure, she had my Grandma and Grandpa to help, but she also did 2 jobs in order for us to live decently and to put me through school. Also worked with me when I was in lower grades until middle school. She needed few exams to finish law school and she never did it because she married, divorced and then raised me. And she still never during her life said how she regrets to have me. That is way too cruel thing to say to a kid who she chose to have. 

So no, its certanly not justified to say that to a kid just because of bad grades. It just produces the opposite effect to a kid.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think her remarks are necessery. My mom raised me as a single mom. Sure, she had my Grandma and Grandpa to help, but she also did 2 jobs in order for us to live decently and to put me through school. Also worked with me when I was in lower grades until middle school. She needed few exams to finish law school and she never did it because she married, divorced and then raised me. And she still never during her life said how she regrets to have me. That is way too cruel thing to say to a kid who she chose to have. 

So no, its certanly not justified to say that to a kid just because of bad grades. It just produces the opposite effect to a kid.

I agree, nothing justifies saying that to your child.

[anbesivam]

@Jaunty 

Dad's been living in a different state for the past year, but I'm the older daughter. I don't think she has bipolar because from the online symptoms, it doesn't seem like she's a fit.

[anbesivam]

@Seraphim My dad's great, but then again I think a big part of it is that I don't think I have anything to confide about. As I said, there's no "major" complaints. She says these things sometimes but apart from that there's literally nothing. She's more efficient and organized than most mothers, and 80% of the time I can tell she really cares about me, and that I am, in lots of ways, her world. The issue is the stuff she says when she's truly angry, or sad. I understand I am the cause for these problems, but it just feels so irrational and volatile of her, but then again I don't want to condemn her for having emotions and being honest about what she feels.

[anbesivam]

@Wiseman2 I don't know how to help her, it seems like I can't make myself do enough, I'm not sure what to do at all, completely clueless infact

[Seraphim]

Still there is no justification for those mean and soul destroying comments. Every child on the planet causes their parents issues at times and we don’t say those things. So, it isn’t you. 

[anbesivam]

@Starlight925  I don't see why I have to distance myself when the majority of the time she's really great. And although the things she says are irrational at times, they are never said without reason. Like I failed a test for 3rd time, and that's when she said that I was failing at the one thing I was good at. Objectively speaking, that sort of makes sense? That being said, there are some deeper issues at play, but I'd like to help her solve them and be there for her like she's been there for me all the years (give or take the 1%)

[boltnrun]

I would never, no matter how bad a day I was having, say such things to my children.

My mother said some hurtful, hateful things to me when I was a child and teenager. I am nearing 60 years old and I still clearly remember them. Words hurt.

I'm sorry this is happening. All you can do is do your very best. If she chooses not to celebrate you that's her loss. 

[anbesivam]

@Kwothe28 I don't think it's a bad grade thing? Because as I said, I've only been not doing as well the past year. I was consistently one of the high-achieving kids in class. But even then she'd flip out. For instance, the 'dying in the street' comment was said because I didn't air out the laundry when I said I would. I told her 5pm, it was 5 30 and I still hadn't done it and BAM. I don't actually know why she hates me so much. I don't think I'm a terrible person, I've never willingly hurt her, I never talk back when she says things, and I don't get mad. I've made some terrible mistakes in the past as a child but I never repeated them and she has never brought them up. So what could it possibly be?

[anbesivam]

@boltnrun I suppose that are some things she's said to me that I've never forgotten. Strange how the ones who love you the most can also have such an impact.

[Seraphim]

The reason you are clueless about how to fix it is because you are not supposed to fix it and you don’t have the ability to fix it. She has to fix herself. This is something totally within herself, and has nothing to do with you.

[Seraphim]

I would tell her please don’t say those things to me, that is very hurtful and you hurt when when you say that. 

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, anbesivam said:

she said that "If I were dying of thirst on the road, and I weren't her daughter, she wouldn't even throw me a second glance". [The point being that she only tolerates me because I am her daughter.]

 

7 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

@Starlight925  I don't see why I have to distance myself when the majority of the time she's really great. 

So the majority of time, she's great, but then she throws in the most hurtful comment in the world.

I hate to say it, but you are allowing this.

You are justifying her behavior.

A mother should never speak like that to a child.  I don't know if she's Bipolar, Borderline, or what.  What I do know is, she trots out these mean, unnecessary jabs like they are Oreo cookies.

If you fail a test 3 times, the right way for a mother to act is to support, enrich, aid.  Offer to get you a tutor, offer to give you a quiet place to study, ask what kind of help you need.  Chastising is simply mean.  

And no, there is no justification for a mother to be mean like that.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, anbesivam said:

@boltnrun I suppose that are some things she's said to me that I've never forgotten. Strange how the ones who love you the most can also have such an impact.

Of course they do. If you didn't love them you wouldn't care if they said mean things.

But she's using your love for her as a weapon. It doesn't matter if she's nice 99% of the time. There's no reason to ever speak to your child that way.

Also, she knows it hurts which is why she does it. Mean people like to hurt others. It gives them pleasure. My mother used to smirk when she said something hurtful and I reacted by getting tears in my eyes. Then she would mock me for crying.

You can't stop her from saying mean things. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Don't give her the reaction she's looking for. Just go to your room and do something else as a distraction.

And it's OK to feel hurt. I get it. But she's wrong about you. You are not a bad person. 

[Starlight925]

I'll say one more thing, which often gets repeated but forgotten:

Hurt people hurt people.

[boltnrun]

Another thing that's ironic is my mother didn't understand why I wasn't slavishly devoted to her when I was an adult. She said horrible things to me but expected me to set aside my husband and child to cater to her. She truly didn't know why I resented the way she'd treated me when I was a child and teenager. She pretended not to remember the things she'd said and done, or she expected me to just forget about them simply because she was my mother and I was supposed to "honor" her.

Obviously I am still affected. She unfortunately passed away many years ago at a young age. And while I respect and appreciate the things she did do for me, I haven't forgotten the bad things. But it did make me resolve to never treat my children that way. 

Do you have any siblings?

[Starlight925]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Another thing that's ironic is my mother didn't understand why I wasn't slavishly devoted to her when I was an adult. She said horrible things to me but expected me to set aside my husband and child to cater to her. She truly didn't know why I resented the way she'd treated me when I was a child and teenager. She pretended not to remember the things she'd said and done, or she expected me to just forget about them simply because she was my mother and I was supposed to "honor" her.

Very similar, eerily in fact, to my personal maternal situation.

It took a lot of therapy for me to get past it, and if I'm being completely honest, at 61 years old, I still have moments that make me mad about it, even though she passed a few years ago.

Don't make excuses for your mom.  Just because she birthed you, just because she cooks, or does this or that, does not give her allowance to treat you bad in certain instances.  

[anbesivam]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have any siblings?

A younger sibling, don't want to get more detailed for privacy reasons

[anbesivam]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Just go to your room and do something else as a distraction.

That's been my thing for years. But she kind of turns it against me sometimes, saying I don't care, calls me emotionless and then says "I wish I could be like that, and just not care". I think I have not been very empathetic in the person, just because I didn't used to be too emotionally intelligent, and also I wouldn't cry for just about anything (she's a lot more emotional, cries quite a bit), but I've changed a lot now and I want to help everyone through tough times and I want to be there for her no matter what, and I want to be the best version of myself. In fact, my username, "anbe sivam", translates to "Love is God". I just don't know how to get her to see that I've changed, that I'm not the quiet, unbothered, unemotional person I once was.

[anbesivam]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

 

And no, there is no justification for a mother to be mean like that.

My question is, people aren't perfect so how come we don't know sometimes things are said out of anger and that's that? Maybe they truly do not mean it, or maybe they simply thought it was true in the heat of the moment? I agree the comment is cruel, and it certainly has made me cry thinking about it more than once, but taking other times into account, I don't understand how we can expect someone to be 100% nice all the time.