LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[RN4L_1969]

On 1/23/2024 at 11:30 AM, Starlight925 said:

"Hi Mary, great to see you!  This is Bob".

Why complicate it?

 

See my previous replies to other posts...

It's not complicating things...it's generating more curiosity where now you have to explain yourself more then you wanted to when just saying this is my bf/gf would have been a lot easier...cause people would be like "oohhhh, ok cool"...

[jul-els]

On 1/17/2024 at 4:58 PM, RN4L_1969 said:

LADIES - Need some feeling HELP?

Why am I not "feeling" it...? Is this normal, cold feet or just trying to see what happens??

We text maybe 2-3x a day...mostly after work. IDK...I'm not feeling that excitement, that rush when I see her text, (maybe a little), the I can't stop thinking about her throughout the day. I mean you know, we had an amazing 1st date. Did the newness already wear off? Why is this?

I hate to compare...but with my x gf from '22...when we first met online...we literally were on the phone every night for the 1st 3 weeks. And I don't mean hi/bye...I mean literally hours at a time, every night! There were nights where we both fell asleep with the phone still connected to each other, I would hear her snoring 🙂! lol It was actually romantic...

Needless to say we dated for 8 months total...but the 1st 6 months were pure bliss. A season of my life I'll never forget...it was beautiful, fun, romantic...we traveled, we did sooo much and we had a blast! Even now I do still miss her. I don't love her anymore...but at times I do miss her. She was only 1 of 3 women I really gave my heart to in my entire life...

This is weird...what do I do...? 😔

…because you’re comparing her to your ex…

[Wiseman2]

On 1/23/2024 at 12:55 PM, RN4L_1969 said:

How do you introduce  to your friends?

Try not to get ahead of yourself with introductory titles. It's 2 dates so far? At that point  if you run into someone "hi this is Jane" is fine. How are things going with her? Are more dates lined up? Is your interest level still there?

Please try not to put all your exes in a blender and come out with this Sturm und Drang smoothie  of faults, idiosyncracies, picking everything apart and creating a skewed red flag list from that.

  Try to enjoy getting to know this woman (if you are still interested....hard to tell) without a tsunami of past disappointment drowning her out. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Absolutely 100%! This is how my x gf introduced me and I felt it was very disrespectful. I mean we were full on dating for God sakes...and to the point where we were meeting each other's family's AND kids! To us that was a big step. And so to downplay it and water it down by her referring to me as her "friend" really upset me. Her answer when I brought this up to her was, "well I don't want anyone knowing my business." I had to laugh. I mean seriously? We were staying in one of her Aunt's bedrooms when we were visiting, and you think they're thinking we're just friends? Come on. It actually creates confusion and more questions then any when you try to be discreet about it and all...

I would hate that as mentioned.  I believe when I first heard "partner" it was two men -at a work event many years ago- and I assumed business partners! Fortunately I said nothing embarrassing! I think friend is fine in front of a child and otherwise -nope. In fact if I brought a date with me and we weren't serious I just did first name and was totally fine with anyone knowing we were there as dates.  

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to get ahead of yourself with introductory titles. It's 2 dates so far? At that point  if you run into someone "hi this is Jane" is fine. How are things going with her? Are more dates lined up? Is your interest level still there?

Please try not to put all your exes in a blender and come out with this Sturm und Drang smoothie  of faults, idiosyncracies, picking everything apart and creating a skewed red flag list from that.

  Try to enjoy getting to know this woman (if you are still interested....hard to tell) without a tsunami of past disappointment drowning her out. 

This was part of a side discussion -I don't think the OP was concerned about his new date.

[RN4L_1969]

Update:

Hello all...I'm back from my quick trip. Was very fun! In the meantime, her and I have exchanged a few texts here and there. Still trying to get used to this...but it definitely shows she's still engaged, so that's good. I mentioned/asked about meeting up for another date, (and after she 'checked' her calendar), it looks like she's free this weekend.

I think I'm going to make my mind up after this next date. I like her. We get along. We have fun. But like mentioned here a few times, and I agree, there has to be that "spark", not necessarily fireworks; but just that anticipation, that growing excitement...the thrill of being in their company again. I'm trying...and we have a lot in common which is also great...so...I'm trying. I keep remembering this quote from the thread:

it's important imo to not talk yourself into feeling something when you're not and telling yourself it's simply a different dynamic.

I seriously think I'm going down this path...so yes, I'll set up the next date...and maybe, I'm hoping for that tingle, flurry or something that will keep me thinking...but if not, and this date ends up with another friendly hug, then I think I'm going back to square 1. How exciting....figures...😞

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I think I'm going to make my mind up after this next date. I like her. We get along. We have fun. But like mentioned here a few times, and I agree, there has to be that "spark", not necessarily fireworks; but just that anticipation, that growing excitement...the thrill of being in their company again. I'm trying...and we have a lot in common which is also great...so...I'm trying. I keep remembering this quote from the thread:

it's important imo to not talk yourself into feeling something when you're not and telling yourself it's simply a different dynamic.

I seriously think I'm going down this path...so yes, I'll set up the next date...and maybe, I'm hoping for that tingle, flurry or something that will keep me thinking...but if not, and this date ends up with another friendly hug, then I think I'm going back to square 1. How exciting....figures...😞

Thanks for the update!  And yes what's in bold is important, I've done it myself at times.  

I forget the reason why on your last date, there was only a hug? 

The reason I ask is because I have a friend who had (I think it was) two dates with a man and she wasn't feeling much by way of attraction or chemistry but then on the third date, he kissed her!

And according to her, wow it was some kiss!!  That kiss changed everything for her (and him!) and their entire dynamic!   They began dating and married two years later. 

I remember myself and all our friends playfully teasing her, I even sent her the music video from the 60's "It's in His Kiss."  I linked it below for fun. 😅

That said, you're right, just see how you feel and don't force it, there are lots of women out there, no need to settle for what you consider mediocre or less than what you want. 

Stay positive!

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I seriously think I'm going down this path...so yes, I'll set up the next date...and maybe, I'm hoping for that tingle, flurry or something that will keep me thinking...but if not, and this date ends up with another friendly hug, then I think I'm going back to square 1. How exciting....figures...😞

I mean its OK if you dont feel something. But she clearly is interested in dating and you like her. So why dont you at least try something at 3rd date(not what is usually tried on 3rd date, more in line of being more opened to flirting or touches) before you give up? 

I say that because I have a feeling that its not that you dont feel something toward her but that you dont feel her opened enough to try more. Which is fine reason to stop because of that, but if you feel anything there, maybe you should at least try before quiting. Who knows, maybe she opens up more. 

If you really dont feel anything romantic toward her then I think its OK to give up. And say that you just dont work out romantically so she wouldnt hope for more and both can move on. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

f you really dont feel anything romantic toward her then I think its OK to give up. And say that you just dont work out romantically so she wouldnt hope for more and both can move on. 

Agree and with the rest of his post.  If I didn't enjoy kissing or have the desire to kiss the person by the 4th date I was done. Partly I didn't want to waste the other person's time.

Do you two laugh together -have compatible senses of humor? I often found if I didn't or our conversations weren't at all banter or fun -no spark.

Why were you annoyed that she checked her calendar? Should you have told her yes to seeing her and cancelled your trip? Most adults need to these days especially because of virtual meetings we might forget to calendar, etc.  It's generally positive to know the person you've gone out only a few times with isn't putting her whole life on hold while you're on a trip and clearing her calendar -yes?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I think I'm going to make my mind up after this next date. I like her. We get along. We have fun. But like mentioned here a few times, and I agree, there has to be that "spark", 

Sounds like a good plan if you are still on the fence about attraction or compatibility.  

[RN4L_1969]

21 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for the update!  And yes what's in bold is important, I've done it myself at times.  

I forget the reason why on your last date, there was only a hug? 

The reason I ask is because I have a friend who had (I think it was) two dates with a man and she wasn't feeling much by way of attraction or chemistry but then on the third date, he kissed her!

And according to her, wow it was some kiss!!  That kiss changed everything for her (and him!) and their entire dynamic!   They began dating and married two years later. 

I remember myself and all our friends playfully teasing her, I even sent her the music video from the 60's "It's in His Kiss."  I linked it below for fun. 😅

That said, you're right, just see how you feel and don't force it, there are lots of women out there, no need to settle for what you consider mediocre or less than what you want. 

Stay positive!

 

Thank you! And that is a great story 🙂 I do have to pride myself in being a very good kisser...based on plenty of feedback in the past lol. And that's just the beginning...ok, ok...I'll behave 😈.

To answer your question, the last two times were not really the right moment to go in for a kiss. The first night I walked her to her car where we were both parked...in a parking garage, haha. So that was not going to work. The last date we were at the mall where we had dinner and a movie and then we parted ways after the movie kinda of like by the escalators and all, lol...so that wasn't going to work either!

So to be fair...there hasn't been an opportune time I guess, (except maybe during the movie); sooo....we shall see what kind of situation unfolds this weekend. I may have to "up" the playful flirting a little bit, (as suggested here), and see how she responds...ya never know. But yea, cool story...ahh welll...

Thanks 🌈&🌹

[RN4L_1969]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean its OK if you dont feel something. But she clearly is interested in dating and you like her. So why dont you at least try something at 3rd date(not what is usually tried on 3rd date, more in line of being more opened to flirting or touches) before you give up? 

I say that because I have a feeling that its not that you dont feel something toward her but that you dont feel her opened enough to try more. Which is fine reason to stop because of that, but if you feel anything there, maybe you should at least try before quiting. Who knows, maybe she opens up more. 

If you really dont feel anything romantic toward her then I think its OK to give up. And say that you just dont work out romantically so she wouldnt hope for more and both can move on. 

Yes, great idea,! I think I will do that this weekend and see how she fares with some obvious flirting 🙂 And your right...as a gentleman I really try and read and look for the right moment where she would be comfortable with holding her hand, a side hug that lingers or a hug that ends with a kiss...So to be fair...I haven't had that chance yet, but we'll see this next time...and see if this journey continues....

[RN4L_1969]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree and with the rest of his post.  If I didn't enjoy kissing or have the desire to kiss the person by the 4th date I was done. Partly I didn't want to waste the other person's time.

Do you two laugh together -have compatible senses of humor? I often found if I didn't or our conversations weren't at all banter or fun -no spark.

Why were you annoyed that she checked her calendar? Should you have told her yes to seeing her and cancelled your trip? Most adults need to these days especially because of virtual meetings we might forget to calendar, etc.  It's generally positive to know the person you've gone out only a few times with isn't putting her whole life on hold while you're on a trip and clearing her calendar -yes?

Yea agree...this being date #3...may have to get a little creative in showing some light affection. See how it goes...

But yes, we do laugh together. We have enough in common to keep the date moving with conversation and no long silences or awkward pauses. So we gel in that respect...but it's that invisible force field that one of us is gonna have to pass through and see what's up LOL...

As far as the calendar...I was more eye-rolling then annoyed I guess. Only because hearing that is like, "Oh, let me see. Hmmm, I can fit you in at 5:43pm on Friday, in-between Yoga class and the Wine bar." I'm just saying yes, we're busy and all, but most I'm assuming, pretty much know what's going on in our lives within the next 6-7 days. But yea I get it....heh...Oh, and she knew I was out of town this past weekend, so it was this coming weekend I was asking to get together...so plenty of notice...

Although it does remind me of this scene: 😆🤣

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Yea agree...this being date #3...may have to get a little creative in showing some light affection. See how it goes...

But yes, we do laugh together. We have enough in common to keep the date moving with conversation and no long silences or awkward pauses. So we gel in that respect...but it's that invisible force field that one of us is gonna have to pass through and see what's up LOL...

As far as the calendar...I was more eye-rolling then annoyed I guess. Only because hearing that is like, "Oh, let me see. Hmmm, I can fit you in at 5:43pm on Friday, in-between Yoga class and the Wine bar." I'm just saying yes, we're busy and all, but most I'm assuming, pretty much know what's going on in our lives within the next 6-7 days. But yea I get it....heh...Oh, and she knew I was out of town this past weekend, so it was this coming weekend I was asking to get together...so plenty of notice...

Although it does remind me of this scene: 😆🤣

 

Yes if she offered you a one hour time slot to fit you in I get it.  Or if that was the tone of it.  

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

As far as the calendar...I was more eye-rolling then annoyed I guess. Only because hearing that is like, "Oh, let me see. Hmmm, I can fit you in at 5:43pm on Friday, in-between Yoga class and the Wine bar." I'm just saying yes, we're busy and all, but most I'm assuming, pretty much know what's going on in our lives within the next 6-7 days.

^^Lol, I'm totally with ya on that!  And yes, I rolled my eyes too. 

Her intent was/is making herself appear very busy with many options.  Thus increasing her SMV (social market value for those not familiar with the acronym) and in her mind,  YOUR interest.

It's such a game and quite misguided imo, but par for the course in our current dating culture for some especially if they've been single for awhile.  She's probably had men play the same game with her.

All you can do is chuckle and not take it too seriously.  I mean you're right, unless she's Miss America lol, most people know what's on their social calendar within the 6-7 days. 

But even if they didn't, since you asked her out on text, most people would simply check their schedule before responding to a date invite, it takes less than one minute. 

NOT respond with "oh let me check my calendar."  🙄

If I recall correctly, she said same thing last time you asked her out, no? 

JMO have fun! 😀

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 is like, "Oh, let me see. Hmmm, I can fit you in at 5:43pm on Friday, in-between Yoga class and the Wine bar." I'm just saying yes, we're busy and all, but most I'm assuming, pretty much know what's going on in our lives within the next 6-7 days. 

Did she actually say this?😱

Is she giving you a hard time setting up date 3? 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she actually say this?😱

Is she giving you a hard time setting up date 3? 

Yes I was wondering that too. I say similar things to people I really want to get together with. They say the same. Most of the people I know are overscheduled. And at some point depending on tone it comes across as rude or game playing. That’s why I asked too. 

[kim42]

I think you might be overthinking this, I don't think there's anything wrong with her checking her calendar. She said yes to the 3rd date and that's a good sign, hope you'll have fun!

[boltnrun]

Maybe she didn't want to seem overeager. You know, just like someone might hesitate about texting "too soon" after a date. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@RN4L_1969to add to previous, and this is just me, but if I asked a man out for a specific day, and he responded "let me check my calendar" the message I would hear (right or wrong) is that for him I'm someone very casual, something to do if nothing else going on

Another scenario. And again, if ME and a man I was highly interested in asked me out for third date, I'd respond enthusiastically and tbh I might even switch some things around if I had something else going on. 

I would neither tell him that nor would I tell him I had to check my calendar even if I did.  

I think it's real important to be aware of how what we're saying and/or texting is being received by the orher person.  I always try to be anyway.  To be sensitive to that.

Social awareness is important especially when dating.  

She is so busy she has to check her calendar before accepting your invite?  Fine, people are busy.

Keep it to yourself there was NO reason for her to tell you that, imo.  Simply go check your calendar and get back to you.  

Such covert 'messages' people send especially over text can sometimes send us into a spin during early stages.

Here, the important thing is she accepted your invite so stay positive, enjoy the date and allow it to play out, which it sounds like you're doing!!

[Starlight925]

She’s been saying the calendar thing since Date 1 if I’m not mistaken?

Very off-putting and I agree, she’s trying to use the “so so busy” thing to increase her value.  Ugh. 
  If I like a guy and he asks me for a date, I check my calendar first, then I give days that work for me.  Same with friends. 
 This is game-playing, and me no likey.  
But, she seems great in person, so carry on.  And yes, get your flirting game on!

[Wiseman2]

On 1/29/2024 at 12:59 AM, RN4L_1969 said:

 I mentioned/asked about meeting up for another date, (and after she 'checked' her calendar), it looks like she's free this weekend.

Are you going to set up a date? Yes, people check their calendars. People have lives, appointments and other obligations. Unless someone has no life and is free 24/7, this is normal. Not sure why it means anything other than she's free this weekend? Please try to relax and enjoy rather than plotting out all these side hugs and whatnot. 

[boltnrun]

The first time my husband and I kissed it was not planned out at all. But I have never actually dated so I am probably not a good source of how things should go in dating situations. 

All I can contribute is, if I was dating I would not bother going on a third date with a guy I wasn't at least attracted to. And I don't get that she's just trying to get free meals out of you.

[tattoobunnie]

I have a few friends who say they need to check their calendar. Then, they do, and confirm yes or no.  I don't think it's weird to say that.  Some people still handwrite everything down in a planner.

[Jaunty]

I say I need to check my calendar ... I didn't used to say it because I was sure I'd remember everything or that I would be counting on a "reminder" from my phone.  And then I screwed up a couple of times.  So now I don't commit to things without checking.