LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[RN4L_1969]

Update:

2nd date went very well. Dinner and a movie, (classic). Dinner was at a nice seafood restaurant, (reasonably priced this time lol). She enjoyed the restaurant, food, company...as she mentioned 🙂

Movie was fun, (no, there was no stretching of the arm that suddenly ended up around her shoulder, 😆). I'm very respectful and look to the woman to "lead" in that area of affection; at least in the beginning so we can get past the awkward situations and both be comfortable moving forward...

Oh...I paid for dinner and she offered to pay for the movie...very kind gesture that I much appreciated!

So the end of the date...we hugged for the night and she said ok, text soon...

No texts between us after the date. Next day, (today), she sent one asking if I got home safe. I replied I did. Said I had a very nice time. She responded thanks for dinner and spending time with me.

Soooo.......I'm thinking so far so good🧐

Again...this dynamic is very different for me and I've had to adjust a few things, (since like we've all been saying...every relationship/dynamic/chemistry is different). But honestly, this dynamic has me intrigued enough to continue on; while at the same time, I'm having fun and getting to know someone of interest 🙂

Thanks again for all of the posts, threads, advice and conversation this thread has produced. It's pretty cool 🙏

[catfeeder]

Terrific update, RN. It's great that you are still interested, and I'd continue that focus on how you feel toward her rather than on the impressions you make.

It's not that her perceptions don't matter, but rather that dating is about screening 'in' or 'out' the best matches for you. If you get too focused on winning to influence your date rather than on how well she matches what YOU want, then it all amounts to a big and expensive distraction that you'll end up needing to reconcile later.

If you're enjoying her, then great! And thank you for thinking of us and keeping us updated.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Movie was fun, (no, there was no stretching of the arm that suddenly ended up around her shoulder, 😆). I'm very respectful and look to the woman to "lead" in that area of affection; at least in the beginning so we can get past the awkward situations and both be comfortable moving forward...

 

OK but did you, I dunno, got any signs that she is into you in that way? Did you compliment her? Has she complimented back? Stuff like that.

Dont get me wrong, I think you are doing OK. Just that things should escalate as the time goes on. And that you just taking her out and talking is good but that is what you do with friends as well. With romantic partners there should be a different dynamic. For example what was wrong with you trying to stretch your arm in movies? Perhaps she was comfortable enough with you doing that and would tell you some stuff for later.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I can go with this line....agree....

I mean to be fair, I was married twice, (talk about the epitome of formal), and both times it didn't work out, 😞; so yea, there is no one guaranteed formula; but I'm still gonna go with what I'm comfortable with. 

Sounds like a lovely date!! I'm in your age range so I'm not sure if arm stretching is still a thing lol but it brought back memories including the iconic scene in Grease.

I think it is far less risky when there is a talk even a simple one -with my husband and I it took less than 5 minutes when he asked me to get back together -not just about exclusivity but also what we each wanted out of getting back together and the sacrifices we were willing to make to be together. (practical/logistical ones)

[RN4L_1969]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If you get too focused on winning to influence your date rather than on how well she matches what YOU want, then it all amounts to a big and expensive distraction that you'll end up needing to reconcile later.

This is excellent advice for me...thank you. I definitely have done that too many times in the past. Hopefully learning and adjusting now will be beneficial for me...

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK but did you, I dunno, got any signs that she is into you in that way? Did you compliment her? Has she complimented back? Stuff like that.

Dont get me wrong, I think you are doing OK. Just that things should escalate as the time goes on. And that you just taking her out and talking is good but that is what you do with friends as well. With romantic partners there should be a different dynamic. For example what was wrong with you trying to stretch your arm in movies? Perhaps she was comfortable enough with you doing that and would tell you some stuff for later.

I tend to agree with this^.  When two people are attracted (not just physically), subtle touching, moving closer to each other, mirroring each other, comes instinctively and naturally often without even thinking about it.

With my guy, on our second date, we started out sitting across from each other but our hands were subtly touching, we couldn't stop staring at each other and I may get beat up for saying this, but there was a certain 'tension' in the air that spelled high energy, high attraction. 

He eventually motioned for me to move to his side where we were sitting next to each other. 

I'm NOT saying it's like this for everyone who is/are attracted but there should be something indicating this is a 'romance' not a 'friendship.'

@catfeedermade excellent points and also, it's important imo to not talk yourself into feeling something when you're not and telling yourself it's simply a different dynamic.

Mentioned previously, you can't force a feeling.

NOT that this is what you're doing, I'm speaking generally.

That said, I'm glad you both had a good time and looking forward to your next update! 😀

 

[kim42]

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK but did you, I dunno, got any signs that she is into you in that way? Did you compliment her? Has she complimented back? Stuff like that.

Dont get me wrong, I think you are doing OK. Just that things should escalate as the time goes on. And that you just taking her out and talking is good but that is what you do with friends as well. With romantic partners there should be a different dynamic. For example what was wrong with you trying to stretch your arm in movies? Perhaps she was comfortable enough with you doing that and would tell you some stuff for later.

It was just the second date, plenty of time for things to escalate, OP seems to be a gentleman.

[RN4L_1969]

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK but did you, I dunno, got any signs that she is into you in that way? Did you compliment her? Has she complimented back? Stuff like that.

Dont get me wrong, I think you are doing OK. Just that things should escalate as the time goes on. And that you just taking her out and talking is good but that is what you do with friends as well. With romantic partners there should be a different dynamic. For example what was wrong with you trying to stretch your arm in movies? Perhaps she was comfortable enough with you doing that and would tell you some stuff for later.

Good questions and I've been mulling that over the last two dates about this.

On the first date, I mentioned that her pictures did not do her justice, which she appreciated; and then there was light brushing of the arm here and there, you know, pretty common and typical during conversation. This last date she did compliment me on the shirt I was wearing and said "I look good in that color". Other than that, I was trying to read her body language. For example...the thought did cross my mind about putting my arm around her lol...but her body position was kinda facing away from me. I didn't feel she was doing it in an avoidance way...seems it was just how she felt comfortable...

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

It was just the second date, plenty of time for things to escalate, OP seems to be a gentleman.

Right but....

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm NOT saying it's like this for everyone who is/are attracted but there should be something indicating this is a 'romance' not a 'friendship.'

But hey who knows?  I'm going to stop judging, I need to take my own advice and understand that every person and every situation is different.

No one size fits all.  Please no criticism lol, I'm owning my shyt here. 

[boltnrun]

I'm not going to bother going on a second date with a man I met on a DATING SITE if I don't think there's potential for romance. 

[Capricorn3]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I'm going to stop judging, I need to take my own advice and understand that every person and every situation is different.

No one size fits all.

^ Excellent. That's good to hear.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not going to bother going on a second date with a man I met on a DATING SITE if I don't think there's potential for romance. 

Bolt, you're better than I.

For me, I don't accept a second date unless there IS romance and attraction on first date and he makes that known!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Excellent. That's good to hear.

Thank you! 😀

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

It was just the second date, plenty of time for things to escalate, OP seems to be a gentleman.

I dont think that him trying to escalate a situation a bit means he isnt going to be a gentleman. Its perfectly fine to put on a compliment or to even try physical contact without any "heavy stuff" like kissing or innapropriate touching.

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not going to bother going on a second date with a man I met on a DATING SITE if I don't think there's potential for romance. 

That is the problem with lots of people here. They see the situations ONLY from their own perspective. Which is fine but not everybody is you. Older people(sorry to characterize you like that, mean more in a term of people who are not "in tune" with current things, I think the same about me too for some stuff if its any consolation) rarely understand that being labeled "dating site" means next to nothing to some people today. And that they use it as a social network and not for dating. Just because you get a date from a dating site doesnt mean anything today sadly. Especially with multidating and in a culture where something called "Foodie calls" exists and is even celebrated in a media. Or do I need to link the story again about a woman who had 6 dates a week so she wouldnt pay for her meals? In hindsight that woman is I think a millionaire now so take it as you will lol

That being said, I dont think OP is "being taken for a ride" here. Heck, by some indications, she trully does like him. Nore do I think its bad for him to take the time to get to know her first. Just that at some point this needs to differentiate from just two people going out and talking to, to a romantic relationship. And it may happen at their own pace which would be ideal. Just dont see harm in him being a bit more assertive.

4 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

On the first date, I mentioned that her pictures did not do her justice, which she appreciated; and then there was light brushing of the arm here and there, you know, pretty common and typical during conversation. This last date she did compliment me on the shirt I was wearing and said "I look good in that color". Other than that, I was trying to read her body language. For example...the thought did cross my mind about putting my arm around her lol...but her body position was kinda facing away from me. I didn't feel she was doing it in an avoidance way...seems it was just how she felt comfortable...

Those are all a fairly good signs. So, carry on. Did you asked for next date yet?

[RN4L_1969]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

it's important imo to not talk yourself into feeling something when you're not and telling yourself it's simply a different dynamic.

This really spoke to me. I hope I'm not doing this; where I don't want to get to far in and then realize this is exactly what I did...

I think the next date, for sure the one after, will definitely expose this "feeling", "approach" or "desire" in this...

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm NOT saying it's like this for everyone who is/are attracted but there should be something indicating this is a 'romance' not a 'friendship.'

This is another one that I keep thinking about...

There are a lot of other good quotes here and it's got me in a tug-o-war sort of speak in my head about the "chemistry/attraction" aspect so far. I mean with my x gf, it took about 4 weeks before I went in for the kiss! It was definitely the right moment and I knew for sure there was chemistry and vibe...but she really wanted to take it slow after not dating for 10 years since her divorce. So I took her lead and waited for the right time...and from that kiss on...we were like a couple of teenagers again lol. Sorry to compare again, but I'm seeing for real there is no right recipe here. I've had dates in the past that ended up all nighters! lol. Honestly I think it's the mind-set. My mindset back then was not for commitment, but rather for fun. Now that I want a serious partner, all the rules come out of the woodwork LOL...

I haven't planned the next date yet since I'll be out of town this week...so it'll be next week, (and she knows this)...but I just feel I'm in the long run here, BUT, as said here, and well said, I don't think this is a leech or attention seeker or wanting to ruin someone's genuine intent and heart; rather someone that is taking it slow...I mean she made a comment, "jokingly", and said, "well you're under the radar sir". Reading all these posts now is making me think about that more, lol. She didn't mean it as a threat, more like a "caution" for herself before she decides to be serious with someone...I guess I'm ok with that...for now...

I mean my roommate told me I may not even get a kiss until November 😆....but we'll see...like mentioned, it's only been 2 dates...so now I play the balancing act...and will so...as long as I'm moving forward.....

[RN4L_1969]

Hey there @rainbowsandroses...

I'm like...curious as to something since you've admitted your view on relational logistics is off the beaten path...

So with your current guy...like 2 examples:

1) Let's say you're both hanging out downtown, holding hands, enjoying the vibe and killing some time until dinner. 
   You then bump into some friends that you haven't seen in some time, (your guy doesn't know them). 
   And so, you make introductions. From what I understand, since you're not fond of formality and labels, 
   how do you introduce him to your friends?

    "Hey so and so, this is "<his name>", my "......?"

2) Similar example, but you're at a family function/event. And there's a bunch of people that either know or don't know you have a guy in your life, and you come across some family where you need to introduce him to them. Again, how?

I only ask out of curiosity, and also that my x-gf used to introduce me in a certain way that irritated the crap out of me. I had a few conversations with her about it...well, lemme first see what you say and then I'll finish this thought...heh... 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Hey there @rainbowsandroses...

I'm like...curious as to something since you've admitted your view on relational logistics is off the beaten path...

So with your current guy...like 2 examples:

1) Let's say you're both hanging out downtown, holding hands, enjoying the vibe and killing some time until dinner. 
   You then bump into some friends that you haven't seen in some time, (your guy doesn't know them). 
   And so, you make introductions. From what I understand, since you're not fond of formality and labels, 
   how do you introduce him to your friends?

    "Hey so and so, this is "<his name>", my "......?"

2) Similar example, but you're at a family function/event. And there's a bunch of people that either know or don't know you have a guy in your life, and you come across some family where you need to introduce him to them. Again, how?

I only ask out of curiosity, and also that my x-gf used to introduce me in a certain way that irritated the crap out of me. I had a few conversations with her about it...well, lemme first see what you say and then I'll finish this thought...heh... 

I like this question. It does matter IMO. I’ve been in situations where I didn’t like it at all. These days I actually shift between his first name and “my husband/first name and sometimes (son’s name/Dad -as a more fun or contextual thing). Friends it’s usually husband and prior it was boyfriend. This time we were engaged only 6 weeks or so so I’m not sure fiancée was a thing. 
Also if you’re married and wear rings often it’s obvious so first name is fine. I never liked lady friend which an ex boyfriend’s mom would do once we were not yet engaged and she thought it was my fault (it was !) and I despised “friend” if we were dating. 

[boltnrun]

I wish someone would come up with a better term than "boyfriend/girlfriend". We're not 12 for gosh sake. But "partner" is so impersonal and "lover" kinda awkward and a bit too minimizing (implies a sex-only relationship). And I despise "SO"...too 1990s. 

Urgh. 

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I wish someone would come up with a better term than "boyfriend/girlfriend". We're not 12 for gosh sake. But "partner" is so impersonal and "lover" kinda awkward and a bit too minimizing (implies a sex-only relationship). And I despise "SO"...too 1990s. 

Urgh. 

I tend to agree. Also my son who is almost 15 laughs at me if I refer to my women friends as “girlfriend.”  And yes SO…. Sigh. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

And so, you make introductions. From what I understand, since you're not fond of formality and labels, 
   how do you introduce him to your friends?

Hey @RN4L_1969, I introduce him by his first name. 

I can't recall ever introducing a boyfriend as "my boyfriend" even when I was in high school!

He has a name, and that's what I introduce by.

How did your ex introduce you that irritated you? 

Looking forward to your finished thought!

 

[Starlight925]

"Hi Mary, great to see you!  This is Bob".

Why complicate it?

 

[tattoobunnie]

I just say their first name.

[RN4L_1969]

On 1/23/2024 at 10:22 AM, Batya33 said:

and I despised “friend” if we were dating.

Absolutely 100%! This is how my x gf introduced me and I felt it was very disrespectful. I mean we were full on dating for God sakes...and to the point where we were meeting each other's family's AND kids! To us that was a big step. And so to downplay it and water it down by her referring to me as her "friend" really upset me. Her answer when I brought this up to her was, "well I don't want anyone knowing my business." I had to laugh. I mean seriously? We were staying in one of her Aunt's bedrooms when we were visiting, and you think they're thinking we're just friends? Come on. It actually creates confusion and more questions then any when you try to be discreet about it and all...

[RN4L_1969]

On 1/23/2024 at 10:53 AM, boltnrun said:

I wish someone would come up with a better term than "boyfriend/girlfriend". We're not 12 for gosh sake. But "partner" is so impersonal and "lover" kinda awkward and a bit too minimizing (implies a sex-only relationship). And I despise "SO"...too 1990s. 

Urgh. 

bf/gf has been around forever. Hey at least it's an upgrade from "courting" or "seeing someone" lol. I agree with the few choices out there, and "partner" seems to be the "catch-all"...whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

[RN4L_1969]

On 1/23/2024 at 11:10 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey @RN4L_1969, I introduce him by his first name. 

I can't recall ever introducing a boyfriend as "my boyfriend" even when I was in high school!

He has a name, and that's what I introduce by.

How did your ex introduce you that irritated you? 

Looking forward to your finished thought!

 

So mysterious @rainbowsandroses...  🙂

Yes, introducing your..."whatever" lol, by their first name is the safest I guess. To me, it causes even more confusion and more questions asked when you try and keep it discreet or vague. Especially if he's been around a while and your "friend network" notices. IDK how long you can get away with referring to him by his first name...without anxious questions. Well, maybe not. Maybe everybody minds their own until your married 4 years in with a son LOL. Maybe then. I'm kidding! And being tongue in cheek here.

But again, I think when you commit to someone, in whatever that type/kind of relationship that may be, I think it's just courtesy to introduce as to what you both agree upon. Not a big deal.

And as far as my x, I explained a little earlier and she would introduce me as her "friend". Oh boy that irritated me. I mean, when you invest the amount of time, energy, love, attention, thought, planning, being sexually intimate and everything else that goes with a "committed" relationship, the least you can do is give credit to the relationship and say, "hey this is someone I value and I've been spending a lot of time with. And yes, we do love each other. And so this is my boyfriend/girlfriend...; not, "this is my friend" Sorry, that's ridiculous. I'm all for discreet and privacy, and not everyone knowing your whole life. I mean there's Facebook and Instagram for that. But when you're dealing with two involved people, I feel it takes it to a deeper level. And more so...I do believe it causes and begs more questions and clarifications to explain yourself, whether it's wanted or not. It's human nature and especially when it comes to relationships. People are nosy lol; but yes...you can drive that to a point.