Breaking Up With Financially Dependent Partner

[Insert-Name-Here]

I've (29M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27F) for almost 9 years.  About 5 years ago, we moved in together.  We currently live in a condo that I own and pay the mortgage on.  I also pay for water, waste, electric, internet, most of our food, vet visits for our dog, home and auto insurance, and other incidentals.  Pretty much the only truly important shared living expense that my girlfriend pays for is our phone plan.

I don't mind this arrangement since I make a pretty good income, and have a strong desire to maintain my financial independence.

Over the past year, however, I've been feeling different kinds of discontentment with my relationship.  Once specific thing I've pinpointed is the fact that I don't think I want to live with someone else.  In my adult life, I haven't had the opportunity to really tailor a living space to how I want it.  I understand that presenting this to my girlfriend would be essentially saying I want to break up which I don't feel is untrue, but I'm trying to focus on my more material concerns.

Despite that, I still care about her and love her and the problem I'm having is that, at this point, breaking up with her would put her in an extremely difficult position as there would now be all these costs and logistical challenges that she would need to figure out.  I never wanted to be responsible for someone else, but I find myself in a situation where I am feeling responsible for someone else, and trapped because I don't want to ruin their life.

Any friend I would want to talk to about this is also a close friend of my girlfriend, and I wouldn't want to A: Force them to keep a secret on my behalf, or B: Impact their existing relationship with my girlfriend.  If there's anyone who would want to chat about this with me, it would give me a great deal of comfort.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Are there other reasons you’d want to end this relationship? Or, if you had your own space and she had her own independence, would you be interested in keeping the relationship? 

[Insert-Name-Here]

The other reasons are that I want to explore ethical multi-amory, I want to be able to act without considering someone else, to spend my time in a more free and unstructured way, I want a cleaner and more orderly home. 

Broadly I'm decided on the fact that I want to breakup.  It's just difficult because even after a breakup, I would still genuinely care for her like I care for my other close friends, and I'd hate to be the direct cause of a friend's misfortunes.

[Seraphim]

Okay, but after you break up with someone they generally aren’t your friend anymore . Having them be your friend is a having your cake and eat it too kind of situation. 
 

Also check the laws where you are as there could be financial implications. 

[Insert-Name-Here]

If we broke up and she didn't want anything to do with me, I would respect that choice.  It's less me wanting to maintain some kind of relationship post breakup, and more not wanting to be ***ty to someone else.  Even if I feel that it's been irresponsible of her to not invest in her ability to be financially independent over the past 5 years, I'm not going to ignore the impact it would have on her to have to all of a sudden scramble and figure all these things out. 

We're not in a toxic or combative relationship so, from her standpoint, there really wouldn't have been too many warning signs.

[Seraphim]

I think you need to be honest and give her a time frame to get her life in order . 

[Kwothe28]

Typically, people go into unions and live together because it makes their life easier. Not just financially but also for other things. For example, if you live alone, you are not only paying all financial burden but doing all other stuff like chores around home, all alone. The value of your partner is not just financial, lots of people doesnt even work but takes care of a household instead. 

What I am trying to say is, if you dont see the value in your partner and think she is only a burden, to the point you want to live alone, you should break up. Also you sound like somebody who wants "single life" again. Meaning to live a bachelor life now when you are well financially without a partner to be a burden there. Which is fine. But again, break up first. She wont agree that you throw her out of the home and still be with you. That would be regressing, not progressing the relationship. And she would see it as a break up as well. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Insert-Name-Here said:

The other reasons are that I want to explore ethical multi-amory, I want to be able to act without considering someone else, to spend my time in a more free and unstructured way, I want a cleaner and more orderly home. 

Are you both working? Does she have friends and family nearby? Is she a stay-at-home-GF? If you would rather live alone and date others, please give her adequate notice to organize her own living arrangements and finances. 

[Insert-Name-Here]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you both working? Does she have friends and family nearby? Is she a stay-at-home-GF? If you would rather live alone and date others, please give her adequate notice to organize her own living arrangements and finances. 

I work a salaried job that pays well for my area and would be more than enough to support my individual needs.

She works a part time job (which just recently began providing her healthcare benefits) to supplement her own photography business that's been progressively doing better but hasn't yet reached the point where it can be her full career (even though she puts more than a full time job's worth of time and effort into it).  Previously, she had been working a full time job that was paying enough for her to be financially independent but it was also burning her out and leading to struggles with her mental health.

She has both friends and family in the area. 

It's never been my intention to drop this out of the blue and give her one week to figure out her next living situation, I just don't have any idea what a fair amount of lead time would be since this is really the only relationship that I've been in.

[Insert-Name-Here]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Typically, people go into unions and live together because it makes their life easier. Not just financially but also for other things. For example, if you live alone, you are not only paying all financial burden but doing all other stuff like chores around home, all alone. The value of your partner is not just financial, lots of people doesnt even work but takes care of a household instead.

I think this is the root of the problem.  We moved in together at a time when I hadn't grown to understand what I wanted out of life and was still more in the escalator relationship mindset.

Now that some time has passed and I understand that the escalator relationship not only doesn't hold value for me but feels restrictive, it feels like this relationship is being held more together by circumstance rather than choice.

[Starlight925]

47 minutes ago, Insert-Name-Here said:

The other reasons are that I want to explore ethical multi-amory, I want to be able to act without considering someone else, to spend my time in a more free and unstructured way,

Open relationships?  Is that what you're saying?

Nothing wrong with that, with consenting partners.

Is your current partner open to this?

Regardless (or irregardless, I never know lol), you are not financially responsible for her.  The best thing for you to do would be to end it in a kind way, causing her to figure out her finances on her own.  

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Insert-Name-Here said:

  Previously, she had been working a full time job that was paying enough for her to be financially independent but it was also burning her out and leading to struggles with her mental health. She has both friends and family in the area. 

Ok. Then it's just a matter of giving her adequate notice to organize her living arrangements and finances. Perhaps she needs full time employment and could stay with friends or family until she gets on her feet. 

Please reflect on why you may be inadvertently fostering this dependency. Honesty is the best policy in this case and you don't want to live together, you're disappointed in the household conditions and you want freedom to date others. 

Obviously one weeks notice is unreasonable, but the sooner you're honest with her about wanting to end it and asking her to make arrangements, the better. 

[Insert-Name-Here]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please reflect on why you may be inadvertently fostering this dependency. Honesty is the best policy in this case and you don't want to live together, you're disappointed in the household conditions and you want freedom to date others.

As you indicated, I never meant to foster a dependency.  This pattern of behavior comes from my mom drilling into me the idea of always making sure I was financially independent and never had to rely on anyone else.

I think this just ended up creating a path of least resistance for my girlfriend that eventually became a support structure as opposed to an added benefit of the relationship. 

[catfeeder]

You may want to consider using a method that some parents use to launch their adult children. Offer that if she finds a place and moves out by x date, you’ll reimburse her the security deposit and first month of rent. If she is out  2 weeks earlier, on x date, you’ll pay one additional month of rent.

You could raise this immediately after your breakup to address her fears about moving out. If she agrees, put it in writing for you both to sign. Stipulate that any damages to your property or belongings will nullify the agreement.

As for the breakup itself, keep it simple and about you-not-her. Don’t launch into TMI about the kind of life you want that she won’t give you. That’s unnecessary and not helpful to her.

 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

You may want to consider using a method that some parents use to launch their adult children. Offer that if she finds a place and moves out by x date, you’ll reimburse her the security deposit and first month of rent. If she is out  2 weeks earlier, on x date, you’ll pay one additional month of rent.

You could raise this immediately after your breakup to address her fears about moving out. If she agrees, put it in writing for you both to sign. Stipulate that any damages to your property or belongings will nullify the agreement.

As for the breakup itself, keep it simple and about you-not-her. Don’t launch into TMI about the kind of life you want that she won’t give you. That’s unnecessary and not helpful to her.

 

Yes, this. Here's a date you have to work with and here's some help I'm willing to give, clean and simple. 

You shouldn't feel badly about her situation. She's been cruising on your back and that is on her. You might want to check the laws where you live though. 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You may want to consider using a method that some parents use to launch their adult children. Offer that if she finds a place and moves out by x date, you’ll reimburse her the security deposit and first month of rent. If she is out  2 weeks earlier, on x date, you’ll pay one additional month of rent.

You could raise this immediately after your breakup to address her fears about moving out. If she agrees, put it in writing for you both to sign. Stipulate that any damages to your property or belongings will nullify the agreement.

As for the breakup itself, keep it simple and about you-not-her. Don’t launch into TMI about the kind of life you want that she won’t give you. That’s unnecessary and not helpful to her.

 

I was going to suggest exactly this.  And it's good she has friends and family.  

I would absolutely not try to be her friend.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Insert-Name-Here said:

The other reasons are that I want to explore ethical multi-amory, I want to be able to act without considering someone else, to spend my time in a more free and unstructured way, I want a cleaner and more orderly home.  I'm decided on the fact that I want to breakup.

If you are decided as far as breaking up, it's better to inform her so she can make arrangements. 

It doesn't seem like she's a parasite or irresponsible since you voluntarily covered costs while she worked part time. 

She will be fine once you set each other free. But please don't string her along any further. 

You don't have to bribe her to leave, she does have the right to adequate notice since it's legally her residence. If she has to search for apartments it will take some time and bribes won't accelerate that. 

You could offer to pay moving expenses. You'll have to get your own phone plan and sever your car insurance deal so she can put those in her own name.  Except for food your overall expenses won't change much. 

[LootieTootie]

You mentioned multiamory. Are you wanting to open yourself to other type of relationships out there and finding that having a lived-in girlfriend will be difficult for you to have that type of lifestyle?

[Insert-Name-Here]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

You mentioned multiamory. Are you wanting to open yourself to other type of relationships out there and finding that having a lived-in girlfriend will be difficult for you to have that type of lifestyle?

No. My girlfriend has made it clear in the past that any kind of multiple partners situation was a deal breaker for her and that had never felt like a big enough imposition for me to initiate a breakup just for that reason alone.

Having done an extra day of soul searching, it truly is about having and maintaining a space that is just my own. 

Escalating this to a breakup rather than a separate living situation comes from the idea that if I'm already going to be doing what I think to be the greatest amount of harm in having her move out, there's no point in me giving her an opportunity to compromise on something I know to be important to her.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Insert-Name-Here said:

Having done an extra day of soul searching, it truly is about having and maintaining a space that is just my own. 

Actually you do not have to have specific reasons for ending relationships or discontinuing living together. If you've outgrown the situation that's fine but please don't string her along and please give her adequate notice to arrange other living accomodations.