Insert-Name-Here

No. My girlfriend has made it clear in the past that any kind of multiple partners situation was a deal breaker for her and that had never felt like a big enough imposition for me to initiate a breakup just for that reason alone. Having done an extra day of soul searching, it truly is about having and maintaining a space that is just my own. Escalating this to a breakup rather than a separate living situation comes from the idea that if I'm already going to be doing what I think to be the greatest amount of harm in having her move out, there's no point in me giving her an opportunity to compromise on something I know to be important to her.

As you indicated, I never meant to foster a dependency. This pattern of behavior comes from my mom drilling into me the idea of always making sure I was financially independent and never had to rely on anyone else. I think this just ended up creating a path of least resistance for my girlfriend that eventually became a support structure as opposed to an added benefit of the relationship.

I think this is the root of the problem. We moved in together at a time when I hadn't grown to understand what I wanted out of life and was still more in the escalator relationship mindset. Now that some time has passed and I understand that the escalator relationship not only doesn't hold value for me but feels restrictive, it feels like this relationship is being held more together by circumstance rather than choice.

I work a salaried job that pays well for my area and would be more than enough to support my individual needs. She works a part time job (which just recently began providing her healthcare benefits) to supplement her own photography business that's been progressively doing better but hasn't yet reached the point where it can be her full career (even though she puts more than a full time job's worth of time and effort into it). Previously, she had been working a full time job that was paying enough for her to be financially independent but it was also burning her out and leading to struggles with her mental health. She has both friends and family in the area. It's never been my intention to drop this out of the blue and give her one week to figure out her next living situation, I just don't have any idea what a fair amount of lead time would be since this is really the only relationship that I've been in.

If we broke up and she didn't want anything to do with me, I would respect that choice. It's less me wanting to maintain some kind of relationship post breakup, and more not wanting to be ***ty to someone else. Even if I feel that it's been irresponsible of her to not invest in her ability to be financially independent over the past 5 years, I'm not going to ignore the impact it would have on her to have to all of a sudden scramble and figure all these things out. We're not in a toxic or combative relationship so, from her standpoint, there really wouldn't have been too many warning signs.

The other reasons are that I want to explore ethical multi-amory, I want to be able to act without considering someone else, to spend my time in a more free and unstructured way, I want a cleaner and more orderly home. Broadly I'm decided on the fact that I want to breakup. It's just difficult because even after a breakup, I would still genuinely care for her like I care for my other close friends, and I'd hate to be the direct cause of a friend's misfortunes.

Do you want to be a good friend, or do you want to fulfill your own wants? There's not a right/wrong answer, but you're not going to have it both ways. What does your friend consider their relationship to be? If it's a sexually exclusive, monogamous relationship, then just drop this unless you'd like to ruin this friendship, and actively hurt someone you presumably care about. If you feel like this behavior is making it uncomfortable or difficult for you to spend time as a group, find some time alone with your friend and just tell them about this so that they know. If that kind of honesty is also something that would lead your friend to end the relationship that you have together, it's better to know than not know.

I see a lot of similarities in your situation with what I've been going through. We also seem to share the core value of not wanting to get married both to avoid legal obstacles, and not seeing the value in the societal construct itself. My thought is that forcing or coercing someone to compromise a belief that core to their values is not a loving act. This goes both ways. If getting married is that important for your partner but the most you want is someone to live with, you would also be forcing her to compromise on something important to her to maintain this arrangement. And if she'd be happy with you just going through the motions of marriage even knowing that it isn't something you are going into sincerely, then it brings to question the reasons that she wants a marriage. The world isn't hurting for people who truly find marriage to be significant, valuable, and make that a life goal. I hope they all are able to receive what they want out of life with someone else who feels the same way. You don't appear to feel that way, and it doesn't help anyone to try and force this level of compromise.

I've (29M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27F) for almost 9 years. About 5 years ago, we moved in together. We currently live in a condo that I own and pay the mortgage on. I also pay for water, waste, electric, internet, most of our food, vet visits for our dog, home and auto insurance, and other incidentals. Pretty much the only truly important shared living expense that my girlfriend pays for is our phone plan. I don't mind this arrangement since I make a pretty good income, and have a strong desire to maintain my financial independence. Over the past year, however, I've been feeling different kinds of discontentment with my relationship. Once specific thing I've pinpointed is the fact that I don't think I want to live with someone else. In my adult life, I haven't had the opportunity to really tailor a living space to how I want it. I understand that presenting this to my girlfriend would be essentially saying I want to break up which I don't feel is untrue, but I'm trying to focus on my more material concerns. Despite that, I still care about her and love her and the problem I'm having is that, at this point, breaking up with her would put her in an extremely difficult position as there would now be all these costs and logistical challenges that she would need to figure out. I never wanted to be responsible for someone else, but I find myself in a situation where I am feeling responsible for someone else, and trapped because I don't want to ruin their life. Any friend I would want to talk to about this is also a close friend of my girlfriend, and I wouldn't want to A: Force them to keep a secret on my behalf, or B: Impact their existing relationship with my girlfriend. If there's anyone who would want to chat about this with me, it would give me a great deal of comfort.