Fallen in love with my friend's GF

[MrHorizontal1234]

Hi, so the title pretty much says it really.

I had been through a spell of heartbreak and distress before I met her. I started to go out again / put myself out there, and bumped into an old friend from school down at the pub. He introduced me to his partner, who has moved here recently. They work together. 

Anyway, on the night in question, he went home early and she dragged me out clubbing and dancing. She was great. It was a lot of fun, and I haven't been asked out in a really long time. We both bought each other drinks, I got really drunk and started getting a bit touchy/feely with her. I would never have done anything, as she was in a relationship. But if she was single, well, shall we say it was getting to the point I would've tried to pull her. She was letting me touch her leg, cuddle with her, stroke her gorgeous ginger hair out of her face, and I told her how beautiful she was. We ended the night with a hug, and she went back to her guy and I went home.

So, over the last few weeks since, sometimes when I see her she doesn't even speak to me at the bar. Next thing you know, she's blowing kisses at me on the street. Then next nothing. I see her all the time. Most recently, I went back to her and her bf's flat with a couple of other guys I had only just met, and they ended up going to bed and having sex with the door open, which I found really uncomfortable and got out of there. I went home and slept badly. It hurt a lot.

Like I said, I see her often. In fact, now when I go out, I hope to see her. I find her presence intoxicating. I think about her all the time now. She so gorgeous and I can't believe how lucky my friend is. Thing is, I didn't think I'd ever feel this way about someone again. Anyway, I think I probably have to just distance myself now, although it will be really hard.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I got really drunk and started getting a bit touchy/feely with her.  if she was single I would've tried to pull her. 

Probably best to distance yourself and get your own GF. Maybe your friends know some single ladies they could introduce you to?  Is this the same woman?:

 

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

 She so gorgeous and I can't believe how lucky my friend is.

I wouldn't think he's so lucky - it seems he has no idea what his "gorgeous" girlfriend does behind his back.  She has shown you her true colours, and it's not very impressive (imo).

OP, in the end, all it comes down to is respect. Respecting your friend and his relationship. Self-respect, morals and values. Integrity.  Unfortunately it seems we live in a world where all of these things are in short supply.  You know what's right and what's wrong.

[shouldhavelearned]

Wrong from the start 

[Sally .C.]

I find her behavior with you at the bar reprehensible...touching, flirting...just no. It's a shame that you would do that to your friend and please ask yourself, if she were to ever become your girlfriend, if you would trust her not to again behave this way with a man she just met, after you go home early one night?

Anyway, yes, better to distance yourself until you feel less infatuated. She's taken. 

You said that you never thought you could feel this way again, well, that should give you a lot of hope that, if you start meeting other people, you can surprise yourself again in that same way.

I get what it's like to be infatuated with someone you can't have. It's painful and hard to describe. Hopefully it will get easier for you, then pass.

Best of luck to you.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I would never have done anything

Yes, you would, because you already did: 

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

She was letting me touch her leg, cuddle with her, stroke her gorgeous ginger hair out of her face, and I told her how beautiful she was.

That was inappropriate of you. Then we have this: 

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

having sex with the door open, which I found really uncomfortable and got out of there. I went home and slept badly. It hurt a lot.

How do you think you friend would feel knowing what his buddy and girlfriend got up to behind his back? 

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Thing is, I didn't think I'd ever feel this way about someone again.

So? She isn't available so this is your problem to resolve on your own. 

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I probably have to just distance myself now

Yes, you do. This young lady is not great, but she's also not actually interested in you anyway. She was drunk and flattered by your attention but that's it. You need to smarten up and be a better friend, too. Your behaviour here falls very short of decent. 

[Tinydance]

Well first of all you are not in love with her. You find her attractive and you're in lust. Love is a very deep feeling that comes from true connection and truly knowing someone. You basically don't know her. I don't think that just partying and drinking with her is actually getting to know her. 

I don't know what's going on with this girl and your friend and why did they just leave the door open when they were having sex. Also if they were having some friends over at their place then why did they just leave their guests on their own and go to have sex? And left the door open for their guests to watch. Super weird? Like, are they some kind of exhibitionists or swingers? I find this behaviour really odd because you shouldn't be subjecting people to watching you have sex without their consent. It's creepy.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

, over the last few weeks since, sometimes when I see her she doesn't even speak to me at the bar. 

It seems like you know you're a third wheel. Why do you see her all the time? In what context? Your friend's place? This bar? She's trying to ignore you, so respect that. And respect your friend rather than getting drunk and trying to paw up his GF behind his back. 

[MrHorizontal1234]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well first of all you are not in love with her. You find her attractive and you're in lust. Love is a very deep feeling that comes from true connection and truly knowing someone. You basically don't know her. I don't think that just partying and drinking with her is actually getting to know her. 

I don't know what's going on with this girl and your friend and why did they just leave the door open when they were having sex. Also if they were having some friends over at their place then why did they just leave their guests on their own and go to have sex? And left the door open for their guests to watch. Super weird? Like, are they some kind of exhibitionists or swingers? I find this behaviour really odd because you shouldn't be subjecting people to watching you have sex without their consent. It's creepy.

Exactly, I find it really weird as well. Although it seems others think this is normal behaviour, like at least be discreet about it.

[MrHorizontal1234]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you know you're a third wheel. Why do you see her all the time? In what context? Your friend's place? This bar? She's trying to ignore you, so respect that. And respect your friend rather than getting drunk and trying to paw up his GF behind his back. 

Well she ignores me, then blows kisses when I pass her on the street, sometimes winks at me etc. I'm trying not to read too much into it all.

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Exactly, I find it really weird as well. Although it seems others think this is normal behaviour, like at least be discreet about it.

So you said the guy is your friend but how well do you know him? It sounded like you hadn't seen him for a long time but then you ran into him. Do you know what the nature of their relationship is? Like, are they polyamorous, swingers, etc.? They seem to be acting like they are.

What kind of gathering was it at their place? Was it a party? I just find it really odd if for example you're just having a small gathering and people aren't off their face or anything and are just talking. Then all of a sudden the hosts leave and go to their bedroom and start having sex with an open door. Unless you're having some kind of wild party then if you're the host you don't just leave your guests alone to have sex. And you don't leave the door open. Personally I would be like what is going on here. Even if they weren't having sex but they just went to a different room and didn't come back, I'd find it rude. 

Honestly I think you're being blinded by this woman being attractive. I mean, if they seem to be a polyamorous couple and they're hitting on their friends then OK. But even if they were then you'd be more like their "unicorn". If you know what that means lol Depends if you're OK with that or not.

[MrHorizontal1234]

44 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So you said the guy is your friend but how well do you know him? It sounded like you hadn't seen him for a long time but then you ran into him. Do you know what the nature of their relationship is? Like, are they polyamorous, swingers, etc.? They seem to be acting like they are.

What kind of gathering was it at their place? Was it a party? I just find it really odd if for example you're just having a small gathering and people aren't off their face or anything and are just talking. Then all of a sudden the hosts leave and go to their bedroom and start having sex with an open door. Unless you're having some kind of wild party then if you're the host you don't just leave your guests alone to have sex. And you don't leave the door open. Personally I would be like what is going on here. Even if they weren't having sex but they just went to a different room and didn't come back, I'd find it rude. 

Honestly I think you're being blinded by this woman being attractive. I mean, if they seem to be a polyamorous couple and they're hitting on their friends then OK. But even if they were then you'd be more like their "unicorn". If you know what that means lol Depends if you're OK with that or not.

No it wasn't a party. It was very late, and a small group of us went back to their flat. We drank, smoked, played the guitar and played music etc. Then he said he was going to bed to watch tv, and she followed. There were a few of us left in the front room in silence when she started moaning. The door was open, and people sitting in silence in the living room seemed unfazed. It wasn't loud, loud sex, but it was noticeable and I certainly don't have hearing like batman.

[smackie9]

If she's been flirting with you, she's been flirting with everyone else. She's hot and cold because in the moments she's being hot, she is seeking an ego boost/attention. She knows she has power of attraction over you, and you fell for it like a shlep. In other words you are being played, $%^& teased. 

I suggest you keep yourself away from the situation before it gets any worse for you. 

[MrHorizontal1234]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If she's been flirting with you, she's been flirting with everyone else. She's hot and cold because in the moments she's being hot, she is seeking an ego boost/attention. She knows she has power of attraction over you, and you fell for it like a shlep. In other words you are being played, $%^& teased. 

I suggest you keep yourself away from the situation before it gets any worse for you. 

It's true she is always the life and soul of the party many men talk to her.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Well she ignores me, then blows kisses when I pass her on the street, sometimes winks at me etc. I'm trying not to read too much into it all.

Don't.  She's an incorrigible flirt.  It's not personal.  Sorry.

[catfeeder]

I look back on my young party years, and I don’t have room to tisk-tisk finger-wag anybody. I flirted with BF’s friends, my sister’s BF’s, my friends, their BF’s, grandparents, cats, cocker spaniels, you name it. When I was in a good mood, there was no living thing on the planet that I didn’t love to have fun with.

Did I mean anything by it beyond, “Let’s dance?” Nope. Did I get lectured or shamed or abandoned by friends? Nope. Apparently, I circled in equally enthusiastic and affectionate groups. I even opened a few bathroom, closet or coat-bedroom doors to find couples hooking up that I never would have imagined… so I can’t fault a couple’s door swinging open unnoticed by them, but I would have closed it for them.

I can appreciate forming a crush on someone, but it’s up to you to manage it. The woman plays with your attention, but she’s not leaving BF for you, and maybe she left the BR door open to push that point. Tacky, but I’d heed the message to find your own GF. Who knows, maybe 2024 will become your best year?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Well she ignores me, then blows kisses when I pass her on the street, sometimes winks at me etc. I'm trying not to read too much into it all.

How awesome would it be if you end up dating her and she cozies up to other men she fancies. How great would you feel if you got an STD from her or an accidental pregnancy where oops she couldn’t be sure who the dad is. Assume yes she’d go that far and she’ll assume - that when you choose to get drunk you excuse your inappropriate behavior and your disloyal behavior towards your friends.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Maybe she wants someone to join

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

 We drank, smoked, played the guitar and played music etc. Then he said he was going to bed to watch tv, and she followed. There were a few of us left in the front room in silence when she started moaning. 

It seems like there was a bit too much drinking and smoking and hanging out. It's their place. Hanging around voyeuristically doesn't help.

No, she wasn't putting on a show for you. You overstayed your welcome hanging out after your hosts went to bed. What they do in their own bedroom is their business.

Please distance yourself instead of hanging around like a third wheel drooling over your friend's GF. 

[MrHorizontal1234]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like there was a bit too much drinking and smoking and hanging out. It's their place. Hanging around voyeuristically doesn't help.

No, she wasn't putting on a show for you. You overstayed your welcome hanging out after your hosts went to bed. What they do in their own bedroom is their business.

Please distance yourself instead of hanging around like a third wheel drooling over your friend's GF. 

Yeah well I've clearly been an idiot.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Yeah well I've clearly been an idiot.

That's ok. You had a misplaced crush. . It's time to distance yourself from them and find your own GF to direct your interest toward. 

[MrHorizontal1234]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You had a misplaced crush. . It's time to distance yourself from them and find your own GF to direct your interest toward. 

I have cripplingly low self-esteem and I see this girl all the time and she alleviates the feelings of wanting to kill my stupid self.

[Tinydance]

29 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I have cripplingly low self-esteem and I see this girl all the time and she alleviates the feelings of wanting to kill my stupid self.

Are you seeing a therapist? I think you really need to speak to someone. You seem to have developed a big projection on this girl. You hardly know her, she's not your girlfriend or your friend really. Just because she's pretty you're saying you're in love with her and she's stopping you from killing yourself. I think this is all just in your head. Also you say this guy is your friend but you want to pursue his girlfriend. What kind of friend does this make you? Please get support and professional help.

[MrHorizontal1234]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Are you seeing a therapist? I think you really need to speak to someone. You seem to have developed a big projection on this girl. You hardly know her, she's not your girlfriend or your friend really. Just because she's pretty you're saying you're in love with her and she's stopping you from killing yourself. I think this is all just in your head. Also you say this guy is your friend but you want to pursue his girlfriend. What kind of friend does this make you? Please get support and professional help.

I don't care about her looks. This isn't some younger girl, this is a woman in her late thirties. I am in my mid twenties. I like her, that's all. And yes, I've seen therapists in the past, usually over past heartbreak. It's deffo time to make another appointment, but this isn't the right time of year.

Also, just to add, there's no such thing as "get help". There's join a self-help referral scheme waiting list which has a lot of grey areas, and work through this and that.

[Seraphim]

She isn’t a woman of good moral character. If she will do this WITH you she will do this TO you. She is just more heartbreak.