Fallen in love with my friend's GF

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I don't care about her looks. This isn't some younger girl, this is a woman in her late thirties. I am in my mid twenties. I like her, that's all. And yes, I've seen therapists in the past, usually over past heartbreak. It's deffo time to make another appointment, but this isn't the right time of year.

Also, just to add, there's no such thing as "get help". There's join a self-help referral scheme waiting list which has a lot of grey areas, and work through this and that.

I think you actually do care about her looks predominantly. The reason why I say this is because you basically don't actually know her. You met her a couple of times but otherwise you've just seen her around. She's not single and not your girlfriend or friend. An acquaintance at best. You say you love her but what do you love her for? Just sitting there looking pretty? You've imagined some kind of connection with her which actually doesn't exist. And she's acting pretty immature for a woman in her late 30's. I thought maybe she was in her early 20's or something. She already has a boyfriend. Why did she invite a random guy she just met to go out clubbing and drinking with her? I think she's having a mid life crisis and she just wants attention.

[MrHorizontal1234]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think you actually do care about her looks predominantly. The reason why I say this is because you basically don't actually know her. You met her a couple of times but otherwise you've just seen her around. She's not single and not your girlfriend or friend. An acquaintance at best. You say you love her but what do you love her for? Just sitting there looking pretty? You've imagined some kind of connection with her which actually doesn't exist. And she's acting pretty immature for a woman in her late 30's. I thought maybe she was in her early 20's or something. She already has a boyfriend. Why did she invite a random guy she just met to go out clubbing and drinking with her? I think she's having a mid life crisis and she just wants attention.

Well I like her. Can I be with her? No, she has a partner. 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Well I like her. Can I be with her? No, she has a partner. 

Well I think maybe you might be better off just to not spend time with your friend and this woman. I didn't get the impression that he's your close friend because you said you hadn't seen him since school and then you just ran into him. You don't sound close and your motivation now to hang out with him is basically only to see his girlfriend. So it's not like you really care about his friendship that much.

You mentioned that she just moved here. Did she move to be with him? I think she actually wants to be with him and moved for that. But she loves the attention from a younger guy so is throwing you some breadcrumbs. She doesn't sound like a good girlfriend and pretty immature. If she was your girlfriend she'd probably do it to you.

 

[MrHorizontal1234]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think maybe you might be better off just to not spend time with your friend and this woman. I didn't get the impression that he's your close friend because you said you hadn't seen him since school and then you just ran into him. You don't sound close and your motivation now to hang out with him is basically only to see his girlfriend. So it's not like you really care about his friendship that much.

You mentioned that she just moved here. Did she move to be with him? I think she actually wants to be with him and moved for that. But she loves the attention from a younger guy so is throwing you some breadcrumbs. She doesn't sound like a good girlfriend and pretty immature. If she was your girlfriend she'd probably do it to you.

 

Ok, to give you some credit regarding the previous post, I think you're right; her looks matter to me a lot, I don't like to lie.

She moved for a fresh start, from what I can remember. She was in a very-long term relationship that ended/went nowhere. So can feel for her with regards to that. 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Ok, to give you some credit regarding the previous post, I think you're right; her looks matter to me a lot, I don't like to lie.

She moved for a fresh start, from what I can remember. She was in a very-long term relationship that ended/went nowhere. So can feel for her with regards to that. 

I think you're imagining a connection with her that you don't actually have. You feel like you're close but you aren't. Doesn't matter if you've had a similar relationship experience. That doesn't actually mean you're best buddies or are in love. It's OK to have a crush and you can't help that. But you probably need to distance yourself from them now.

[MrHorizontal1234]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

I think you're imagining a connection with her that you don't actually have. You feel like you're close but you aren't. Doesn't matter if you've had a similar relationship experience. That doesn't actually mean you're best buddies or are in love. It's OK to have a crush and you can't help that. But you probably need to distance yourself from them now.

It will be easier said than done. I think the thing that kills me is that if he goes to bed at 9.00pm or 6.00am, he's got a desirable girl with him. I live alone. 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

It will be easier said than done. I think the thing that kills me is that if he goes to bed at 9.00pm or 6.00am, he's got a desirable girl with him. I live alone. 

 But you're projecting your own insecurities onto these people. You seem to have just inserted yourself into their life and you're envious of it and say it hurts they're together. They're just people trying to be in a relationship and they're not trying to hurt you. It sounds to me like you're not even close to them. If it upsets you, you don't need to be around them. They're not really your friends. 

If you want a girlfriend start putting yourself out there. The way to get one isn't actually to sit at home and pine for another guy's girlfriend.

[MrHorizontal1234]

Went out with them again tonight, was a bad idea. Aw hell, it's a small town. Don't know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Went out with them again tonight, was a bad idea. Aw hell, it's a small town. Don't know what to do.

Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, and broaden your social horizons. This way you can make friends with like-minded people you see regularly and stop hanging out in bars drinking and getting depressed. 

[Andrina]

How will jonesing after a taken woman make you feel good? Do you not feel guilty? Perhaps not, since you're giving the excuse for bad behavior because of living in a small town. No good excuse exists for behaving with poor ethics. What would I do in your shoes and situation if the dating pool is minnow size, if in fact it is? You can join the Peace Corps. Helping people and the environment will have you seeing your own problems as minimal and you will get to explore another country. My friend did a stint in Jamaica and temporarily dated another woman in the Peace Corps there. 

Some people teach English in Japan. I wish I'd known about that when I was young and single.

Begin treating people how you'd like to be treated and you can't go wrong. If you wouldn't want a friend being inappropriate with your gf, don't engage in that behavior yourself. The path your on now is a road to hell, though you mistakenly see it otherwise. Time to grow up and make mature decisions.

[shouldhavelearned]

I wonder if this is legit 

[MrHorizontal1234]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

How will jonesing after a taken woman make you feel good? Do you not feel guilty? Perhaps not, since you're giving the excuse for bad behavior because of living in a small town. No good excuse exists for behaving with poor ethics. What would I do in your shoes and situation if the dating pool is minnow size, if in fact it is? You can join the Peace Corps. Helping people and the environment will have you seeing your own problems as minimal and you will get to explore another country. My friend did a stint in Jamaica and temporarily dated another woman in the Peace Corps there. 

Some people teach English in Japan. I wish I'd known about that when I was young and single.

Begin treating people how you'd like to be treated and you can't go wrong. If you wouldn't want a friend being inappropriate with your gf, don't engage in that behavior yourself. The path your on now is a road to hell, though you mistakenly see it otherwise. Time to grow up and make mature decisions.

I feel guilty about a lot of things in life. I'm just struggling with my feelings at the moment, and my brain is telling me theres no hope, nothing will ever get better etc. 

I never came to terms with my mother's death a few years ago, and Christmas is always difficult for me.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I feel guilty about a lot of things in life. I'm just struggling with my feelings at the moment, and my brain is telling me theres no hope, nothing will ever get better etc. 

I never came to terms with my mother's death a few years ago, and Christmas is always difficult for me.

Yes. Feelings are feelings. But maybe make a choice to react in a way that doesn’t hurt other people if possible. I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother. 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

I feel guilty about a lot of things in life. I'm just struggling with my feelings at the moment, and my brain is telling me theres no hope, nothing will ever get better etc. 

I never came to terms with my mother's death a few years ago, and Christmas is always difficult for me.

A good time to do some volunteer work with the elderly to honor your mother's life. When you're projecting positivity into the world, great rewards will come of that. A good woman will be drawn to a man with a caring heart doing volunteer work more than a man who surrounds himself with depravity.

[Carus]

Best you straight away dive into some research on Limerence on Google and YouTube. It's a living hell and I feel for you buddy.....*

And while you're studying and healing, keep this quote from Seraphim at the front of your mind. Stick in on your fridge or mirror if you have to....!

On 12/21/2023 at 7:18 AM, Seraphim said:

She isn’t a woman of good moral character. If she will do this WITH you she will do this TO you. She is just more heartbreak. 

 

[MrHorizontal1234]

Distance has been a great thing.

[Carus]

3 hours ago, MrHorizontal1234 said:

Distance has been a great thing.

Personally I don't think one can heal from this without it....

You mentioned you're in your late 20's....Mate, take it from a craggly old 500 year old: Uproot your life if you can and move to a different country. Experience life to the fullest. Experience different cultures, food, sights etc.....This would be the best thing for you.....you know, so long as you don't have a mortgage or kids or such...

If you step over the ledge into the world just keep in mind, if it doesn't work out, you can always come back later*

Did you actually read my last post.....??

Sending You Strength*

[Insert-Name-Here]

Do you want to be a good friend, or do you want to fulfill your own wants?  There's not a right/wrong answer, but you're not going to have it both ways.

What does your friend consider their relationship to be?  If it's a sexually exclusive, monogamous relationship, then just drop this unless you'd like to ruin this friendship, and actively hurt someone you presumably care about.

If you feel like this behavior is making it uncomfortable or difficult for you to spend time as a group, find some time alone with your friend and just tell them about this so that they know.  If that kind of honesty is also something that would lead your friend to end the relationship that you have together, it's better to know than not know.

 

[MrHorizontal1234]

On 1/5/2024 at 7:26 PM, Insert-Name-Here said:

Do you want to be a good friend, or do you want to fulfill your own wants?  There's not a right/wrong answer, but you're not going to have it both ways.

What does your friend consider their relationship to be?  If it's a sexually exclusive, monogamous relationship, then just drop this unless you'd like to ruin this friendship, and actively hurt someone you presumably care about.

If you feel like this behavior is making it uncomfortable or difficult for you to spend time as a group, find some time alone with your friend and just tell them about this so that they know.  If that kind of honesty is also something that would lead your friend to end the relationship that you have together, it's better to know than not know.

 

Thanks for your response. I should say he's not a very close friend, if I am being honest. They are on holiday at the moment, for some reason, I'm thinking of her all the time. I thought distance would be the ticket, but she's always there in my mind.

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 1/5/2024 at 12:26 PM, Insert-Name-Here said:

There's not a right/wrong

Perhaps not, but there’s one that’s arguably more moral than the other. Save for some situations where a person is in danger. 
 

not saying you were suggesting this at all but in a general sense I must say that I’m so tired of people thinking it’s ok or romantic to “get theirs” when it means pursuing someone else’s partner, actively destroying trust, lives, and families in the name of “I deserve this!” 
 

sometimes you have to put away your own “wants” and do what is right.