Girlfriend wants marriage

[SeekingAdvice1]

I have been dating my partner for 2 years and we moved in together about 6 months ago. I am in my early 40s and she is in her mid 30s. Since meeting her, I have been upfront and honest about not wanting to get married.  Marriage simply isn't important to me. I don't like being the centre of attention and I also worry about getting financially "ruined" in the event of a breakup.  I have significantly more assets than she does so there is greater risk to me. We would get a prenup if we went this route but I heard that they are not bulletproof.

About 6 months after moving in together, she kind of had a meltdown and asked me if I would do it for her.  She also said that she would need to reflect to see if she would be okay with continuing the relationship in the event that I chose not to marry her. I see this as an ultimatum, even though it did not directly come across that way.  I'm at a loss about what to do.  I love her but feel pressured into marrying her.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, SeekingAdvice1 said:

 Since meeting her, I have been upfront and honest about not wanting to get married.  Marriage simply isn't important to me. We would get a prenup if we went this route but I heard that they are not bulletproof.About 6 months after moving in together, she kind of had a meltdown and asked me if I would do it for her.  

Sorry this is happening. Is it your place her place or do co-own or co-lease?

Unfortunately it seems like moving in together was a mistake. Especially if she was under the impression that it would change your mind when you've been crystal clear all along. You're correct that prenuptial agreements are not foolproof and divorce is expensive and complicated. 

All you can do is stand your ground and if she wants to continue living together, fine, if not, you'll have to sort out how to sever things depending on the circumstances.

It's a bit manipulative to change the terms after investing in moving in together since she moved in together knowing your thoughts and feelings on this. 

[smackie9]

She wants marriage and stability, you want finical protection and no hoopla wedding celebration. It's not going to work. I personally wouldn't drag this out any longer. End it. simple as that.

[reinventmyself]

You both want different things.  It's as simple as that. 

Let her go (if she isn't going on her own) so can find someone to fulfill her needs.  Life is short.  You don't want her to regret staying with you in the long run.

[Starlight925]

She thought she’d be the one to change your mind. 
 

You were up front and honest from the start.  She either realized you weren’t going to change, or she manipulated the situation, or she realized she can’t live without marriage. 
 

Whichever version it is, this isn’t going to work out.  Do both of you a favor and let her go. 

[Coily]

This sounds horribly manipulative on her part, having a tantrum because she wants to get her way is very unappealing in a spouse or even a girlfriend.

Any marriage that would come of her pressuring you would likely end in divorce, as it wouldn't be about mutual respect and love; it would be her making demands with the threat of divorce.

Move on, you deserve a woman who can respect your boundaries.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, SeekingAdvice1 said:

Marriage simply isn't important to me. I don't like being the centre of attention and I also worry about getting financially "ruined" in the event of a breakup.  I have significantly more assets than she does so there is greater risk to me.

I agree with others that her "bait and switch" after moving in was manipulative and disrespectful and doesn't bode well for marriage OR even continuing the relationship imo.

However regarding what's quoted above, a bit confused about what you mean by not wanting to be the center of attention?  How does marriage equate to being the center of attention? 

If you mean it means you will be forced to spend all your time together, have less time for yourself, less time with your mates or your hobbies etc., marriage does not have to mean that at all.

In fact, nothing has to change at all from the way it is now except you are legally bound by a marital contract which has its rewards/benefits in certain ways and may be detrimental in certain ways should the marriage end in divorce.  

Also your comment about being "financially ruined" is an unhealthy way of looking at marriage and if you trust your partner, this should not be a concern.

On the other hand, if you do not trust your partner, you might want to reconsider having a relationship with them in the first place.

As far as your current, my advice is to reconsider your relationship, she's attempting to manipulate you and gaslight you (hence your confusion now).

Nothing good or positive could ever come from that.

All the best whatever you decide.

 

[Batya33]

I think he means the party to celebrate the wedding ceremony.  She probably drops hints about wanting a large reception.  I totally agree with Starlight and I love being married, always wanted marriage and never went on a second date with any man who wasn't enthusiastic in general about marriage and getting married.  I don't think she changed her mind I think it's as Starlight wrote.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he means the party to celebrate the wedding ceremony.  She probably drops hints about wanting a large reception. 

LOL at myself, I think you may be right!  He wrote "marriage" instead of "wedding ceremony"?  Makes sense!

Perhaps the OP will return and clarify?

[Seraphim]

You guys aren’t compatible. She wants marriage and you don’t . Those two views aren’t compatible. Let her go. 

[Starlight925]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he means the party to celebrate the wedding ceremony.  She probably drops hints about wanting a large reception.  I totally agree with Starlight and I love being married, always wanted marriage and never went on a second date with any man who wasn't enthusiastic in general about marriage and getting married.  I don't think she changed her mind I think it's as Starlight wrote.

Same!

Relationship goals, like desire to have children or not, should be agreed upon before the first coffee date.

One of the best things about online dating is the ability to screen before even clicking to message.

One guy was turned off of me by the fact that I don't have children, as he said he wants someone who already has kids, as he loves "mom energy".  Cool, strike for us both, I appreciated his honesty.

OP was being honest here.  If the girlfriend didn't like it, she was free to say so, and sure, free to change her mind if she at first thought she could live without marriage but later decided she wanted it.

What she's not free to do is to expect OP to change his mind, and throw a tantrum/ultimatum around.

[Cherylyn]

Since she wants marriage and you don't,  it's better to part ways otherwise you're both just wasting everyone's time.

[shouldhavelearned]

You both knew what the other wanted months ago.

 

It shouldn't have lasted this long.

[ShySoul]

While it is possible she was trying to be manipulative and change your mind, I think it's more likely she didn't realize how important marriage was for her. She might have convinced herself that the situation was fine because she really did want to be with you. But eventually she realized she wanted more. So she tried again. Now she is trying to figure out what her heart wants more - being with you or the more permanent commitment of a marriage and what that symbolizes. It's not an ultimatum, it's a person expressing what their heart wants most.

Regardless, you both seem to want different things. So a mutual parting would be best.

[Kwothe28]

I believe she might have thought that you would change your mind later down the line. Some people get into relationships thinking things would change down the road even though you were pretty open about not wanting marriage. 

And I would also look at it as a basic incompatibility. Some people can do without marriage. My sister lives with her boyfriend for 15 years and they have 2 beautiful kids together. She doesnt need the paper and the ceremony. Also, I believe that after some time and when you have kids, it counts as a union. At least that is how it is here. So even if they separate, she could claim like they are in marriage. Which is fair since she did invest in a mutual house a lot. Anyway, back to your topic, she doesnt want that. She wants a marriage and a ceremony and all that. Which is fair, lots of people love and want that stuff. But the problem is that you dont want that. Which I think its also fair, lots of people, especially men, are very cautionate especially about the financial aspect and divorce. But then you both shouldnt be together. She deserves somebody who would also want marriage ceremony and all that and you somebody who also doesnt want marriage at all cost. 

[Seraphim]

People better check the laws where you live . Where I live if you live together for a year you are considered common law which holds a lot of the same protections as legal marriage. In fact one of the only differences is that a married spouses automatically gets equal share in any assets acquired during marriage a common law spouse must prove their their claim to it . Other than that they still get child care and spousal payments etc etc should the union break up . 

[smackie9]

I was straight forward and very firm with not wanting to be married or have kids when I met my (common-law) husband. He accepted it and we are still carrying on for 34 years. His family harassed me about it right up til I was 45 (Roman Catholic yikes) My mother in law finally set them straight to leave it alone...yay MIL!. They still put Mr and Mrs on Christmas cards lol We get a kick out of that every year. 

So OP there's women out there that are OK without marriage. Maybe find someone that is financially equal to you. Something to consider. Kinda sucks that you invested under the notion that it was settled, now you are faced with leaving the relationship or there will be such resentment. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

It's not an ultimatum, it's a person expressing what their heart wants most.

Yes and in a relationship it's unfair to express "your heart" in the way she did -if her heart felt that now she wants marriage and her head reminded her of what she signed up for than -from the heart -she should have said "I know I agreed to not getting married and now I feel differently. I understand if you don't but I wanted to let you know -let's talk about it."

[Jaunty]

It wasn't cool what she did ... but if you knew she wanted to be married, and she knew you were against marriage, I will say you were both wrong to advance the relationship to the point of moving in together.  And agree with everybody that it's not ever going to be "okay."  So ... bye.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It wasn't cool what she did ... but if you knew she wanted to be married, and she knew you were against marriage, I will say you were both wrong to advance the relationship to the point of moving in together.  And agree with everybody that it's not ever going to be "okay."  So ... bye.

I agree, they both brought this relationship past its best before date. 

[Tinydance]

What are your county's laws about living together? For example, here in Australia if you're in a relationship with someone and you live together for six months, you are considered civil/de facto partners. You have all the same rights and laws applying as if you were actually married. Here in Australia the actual marriage ceremony and wedding is really just a celebration of being together. On paper it makes no difference. Have you checked the laws where you live regarding that? You don't want to get married as you don't want to divide your assets but by living with her you might already be legally bound to do that. If you don't want to do that then I would highly recommend you move out ASAP.

I agree that your girlfriend shouldn't have been together because you just don't sound compatible. Wanting or not wanting marriage is a pretty big thing so it's a big incompatibility. It sounds like your girlfriend really wants that big commitment but it's just not your thing. 

I think there's nothing at all wrong that you don't want to get married. However just from what you wrote it sounds as if you view a relationship as more transactional rather than the fact you love and want to be with that person.

It's very common in relationships that one person earns more than the other. But that person usually doesn't think: "Maybe I shouldn't legally bind to them because they might get my assets." I mean it's a fair assumption to make that some relationships might not last. Or even if they last long, they don't last forever. But people don't usually worry about the finances aspect of it and just take the relationship in the here and now. To be honest it doesn't really sound to me like you want an actual big commitment in general because your priority is more with your assets than your partner.

 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What are your county's laws about living together? For example, here in Australia if you're in a relationship with someone and you live together for six months, you are considered civil/de facto partners. You have all the same rights and laws applying as if you were actually married.

I understand that in Canada it's the same.   I have a question about this.

6 months is a pretty short time.  What if you break up and move apart?   Do you go to court to divide assets?  Is it necessary to divide things up immediately or is there some kind of grace period if you move out?  If you're on your common law spouses insurance policy is it immediately null & void?  

Do you think people live together less casually because of this than in countries like here (the USA) where it would not be uncommon for a person to live with a series of boyfriends / girlfriends in their life?  Because it's taken more seriously?

[Seraphim]

In Canada you have to live together a year. If you are on their health insurance they can take you off if they are no longer together. You also have to prove to the court what you contributed to the relationship if you are common law, if you are married you don’t . If you are married, you automatically get half of what was acquired during marriage including pensions and RRSP’s and such . 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and in a relationship it's unfair to express "your heart" in the way she did 

On 1/3/2024 at 11:20 AM, SeekingAdvice1 said:

About 6 months after moving in together, she kind of had a meltdown and asked me if I would do it for her.  She also said that she would need to reflect to see if she would be okay with continuing the relationship in the event that I chose not to marry her.

Would depend on what the "meltdown" consisted of. If it was her screaming at him that he tricked her and demanding that he marry or else... yes that would be wrong and unfair. But if it's an emotional meltdown where she's in her tears because she doesn't want to hurt him or stop what they have, but her heart needs more? I don't think that's unfair. She's saying she may not be comfortable continuing the relationship, which is an honest expression of her feelings. In fact, it's what everyone here is also saying, that they want different things and might be best to part ways.

I know what it likes to have people assume negative things about me based off of what someone has said. Those people weren't around for what actually happened and didn't check with me to get my side of the story. It hurt. So I try to keep an open mind and not assume a person's acts or motivations, especially if they aren't there to defend themselves. Based on the information provided, there is no way to tell what is actually on her mind or what she actually did. So I prefer to believe she made an honest mistake in thinking that she could go without the marriage rather then assume that she was dishonest or trying to manipulate him.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

6 months is a pretty short time.  What if you break up and move apart?   Do you go to court to divide assets?  Is it necessary to divide things up immediately or is there some kind of grace period if you move out?  If you're on your common law spouses insurance policy is it immediately null & void?  

 

Dunno how it is in other countries, but went in to check mine. It doesnt have a time table but says "long term" so could be couple of months indeed. The problem is proving it. There is simply no paper regarding it. So, in the event of you needing to inherit partners pension, they look at that you lived with them 3 years and/or have kids. It would probably be the same with other assets.

In the event of separation, I imagine assets are divided through court if necessery. For example, I made fun of my politician friend that his ex fiance could have asked the half of his appartment because they lived together for 4,5 years. But it was his appartment to begin with so even in court she probably couldnt take that. But she could ask a compensation based on what she invested, for example. When she moved out, she just took some stuff and even marital bed(who she bought when she moved in) so I guess its a fair thing and no need for court. I know a few examples and they usually do it like that. Court processes are long and tedious and its a drag what you can prove or not. 

edit I found a part about dividing of assets. As Ive said, they go through court as marital spouses will do. And then court determines who brought what and divides based on evidence.