Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Sindy_0311]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that's another way -I most often did not feel comfortable kissing after a first meet or date -- too soon usually.  I knew I was if I felt the desire to kiss the guy -didn't have to actually kiss.  If no desire but not -repulsed -I gave it up to 4 dates.

I usually don’t kiss the guys I’m attracted to on the first date or meet. I don’t feel the urge to do it because I know we will have other opportunities to kiss.

and of course I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed… 😂

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I usually don’t kiss the guys I’m attracted to on the first date or meet. I don’t feel the urge to do it because I know we will have other opportunities to kiss.

and of course I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed… 😂

Oh then I read what you wrote wrong -sorry!

[ShySoul]

12 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Even though I really like his personality, I didn't feel any physical attraction. But can I go to a second date anyway ? Maybe that will change how I feel ? 

Of course you can go on a second date. You can do whatever you want, it's your life. If you had a good time, why not? 

I've known people for ages and felt no physical attraction. Then suddenly it hits me and I can't stop thinking about how beautiful they are. There's no time frame. Whatever your gut is telling to you, go with it. It's not leading them on. At this point it's two people who had fun together and want to continue having fun together. You're still working out how you feel. 

[MrMan1983]

14 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t go on second dates if I’m not attracted by the person. What I usually do is kiss the guy at the end of the first date to make sure I’m not attracted. And usually it works, there’s no physical chemistry… next day I explain that I didn’t feel the spark… no harm done. 

Jesus, that's so confusing for guys. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, not the other way round 😂 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Jesus, that's so confusing for guys. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, not the other way round 😂 

I kissed guys where I wasn't sure and  then confirmed I was sure no spark  - but not if I didn't want to - I did have a 4 date time limit so I didn't lead someone on.  If I was on the fence -not if I felt "nothing."  I dated men who were objectively hot looking, felt nothing, men who were conventionally unattractive and felt strong sparks and all over so it wasn't based all on physical features.  

[kim42]

45 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Jesus, that's so confusing for guys. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, not the other way round 😂 

I admit it's confusing for me too. If I'm not attracted to a man, I don't want to kiss him. So I don't need to kiss someone to know if I'm attracted to them but I guess everyone is different 

[Sindy_0311]

47 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Jesus, that's so confusing for guys. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, not the other way round 😂 

I know… I’m sorry for you guys. So its better not to assume anything based on a first date. When I like someone, I’m more willing to take my time, let the attraction build and some tension to be created… I like it when you ask yourself whether you are going to kiss them on the second date, what it will be like. I  like to leave men a bit confused after the first date and give them a chance to fantasize about the kiss or what is going to happen or not. I think they like that feeling too… 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I admit it's confusing for me too. If I'm not attracted to a man, I don't want to kiss him. So I don't need to kiss someone to know if I'm attracted to them but I guess everyone is different 

I do like kissing. As I said I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed, but only to confirm that I’m not feeling physical attraction enough to be willing to go on another date. Sometimes you can kiss a man you aren’t that attracted to and the kiss feels so good that it makes you change your mind… it happened to me once or twice when I was casually dating. And I happened to have second dates with these people. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I know… I’m sorry for you guys. So its better not to assume anything based on a first date. When I like someone, I’m more willing to take my time, let the attraction build and some tension to be created… I like it when you ask yourself whether you are going to kiss them on the second date, what it will be like. I  like to leave men a bit confused after the first date and give them a chance to fantasize about the kiss or what is going to happen or not. I think they like that feeling too… 

I went on many many dates where the man did not try to kiss me on the first meet or date -which was a very positive thing IMO. And we were both very attracted.  I think it's fun to get to know someone slowly over time like unwrapping layers of a package but not where the person is actually confused.  Because if it's going to be long term if that game-like "confusion" is resolved that may have been too much of the "excitement" and not enough other interest/excitement to sustain anything long term.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, 

Probably better not to assume anything these days. She has agreed to a second date for that reason, so there's nothing confusing about that. 

Unfortunately one and done is the new normal no matter what does or doesn't happen on the first meet. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I went on many many dates where the man did not try to kiss me on the first meet or date -which was a very positive thing IMO. And we were both very attracted.  I think it's fun to get to know someone slowly over time like unwrapping layers of a package but not where the person is actually confused.  Because if it's going to be long term if that game-like "confusion" is resolved that may have been too much of the "excitement" and not enough other interest/excitement to sustain anything long term.

I agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity” 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity” 

Yes and if the interest is mostly placed on keeping the man on his toes that way then poof when he wins the prize he might get bored.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and if the interest is mostly placed on keeping the man on his toes that way then poof when he wins the prize he might get bored.

You do know I don’t let men on their toes. I get intimate pretty quick with them around the 5th date. So I’m not playing games. And if he looses interest because he won the prize, better sooner than later I’m ok with it. I just think that dating is like a dance… you make a move, he makes a move, you open up a bit, he does the same and vice versa while keeping some heathy distance in the beginning. I don’t know how this is playing games… 

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You do know I don’t let men on their toes. I get intimate pretty quick with them around the 5th date. So I’m not playing games. And if he looses interest because he won the prize, better sooner than later I’m ok with it. I just think that dating is like a dance… you make a move, he makes a move, you open up a bit, he does the same and vice versa while keeping some heathy distance in the beginning. I don’t know how this is playing games… 

Well you just said in one of your replies that you like to leave men confused after the first date so that does sound like playing games a little.

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Well you just said in one of your replies that you like to leave men confused after the first date so that does sound like playing games a little.

I corrected by saying this: 

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity” 

but I do think OP should go on another date and try to see if there is more attraction. For some people, first dates/meets are a bit stressful and they don’t really can figure out whether there is some potential, even more when it’s a short meet… maybe worth it to dig a bit deeper and not having regrets later on. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You do know I don’t let men on their toes. I get intimate pretty quick with them around the 5th date. So I’m not playing games. And if he looses interest because he won the prize, better sooner than later I’m ok with it. I just think that dating is like a dance… you make a move, he makes a move, you open up a bit, he does the same and vice versa while keeping some heathy distance in the beginning. I don’t know how this is playing games… 

I agree with Kim the way you described it. Having sex doesn’t mean true intimacy. Certainly not by date 5. It depends. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/8/2024 at 12:28 PM, Shycarrot said:

Sometimes, I end up getting along with a guy I met on OLD but not feeling attraction, which makes me feel guilty and kind of like I led him on.

On 3/10/2024 at 12:42 PM, Shycarrot said:

On the other hand, I don't want to lead him on. In another setting (and of course if he felt the same way), we would have made good friends !

Yes, when you enjoy someone, go see him again to learn where it might lead--or not. But you've gotta get over this ^^^ self-conscious stuff about leading someone on. These are grown men, not delicate flowers. It's a level playing field, and nobody 'owes' anyone any guarantees that each date must always lead to another. OR, if it does, there are no guarantees after that. It's a case-by-case thing, and you are free to continue dating someone for as long as you enjoy the experience. 

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

For some people, first dates/meets are a bit stressful and they don’t really can figure out whether there is some potential, even more when it’s a short meet… maybe worth it to dig a bit deeper and not having regrets later on. 

Great point. Nerves can numb us. I agree that when you actually enjoy your time with someone, it's a win-win to see them again. You don't need a crystal ball to attempt futuristic decisions at this moment. The whole idea behind dating is exploration. Give yourself permission to do that.

[ShySoul]

I'm not kissing anyone unless I know I'm attracted and the relationship is something solid and deep. I certainly wouldn't do it to test my feelings. For me the very act of a kiss is a symbol of me opening up my heart to someone and letting them inside my world, and my soul. Its an experience I want to keep rare and special. I can count on one hand the number of ladies I've kissed, and wouldn't have had it any other way. But the ones that do get the kiss get a torrent of passion built into every one. Yeah, its different. But its never been a problem for me. If anything it made the kisses better. Good things come to those who wait....

Shycarrot, hoping things go well. Don't worry, just have fun.

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much to everyone 🙏

We are still talking and like I said, he wanted us to meet again this week, but for some reason I don't want to.

I told him I was busy and postponed it until next week.

Like I said the date itself went well, but as days went by, I started to notice some worrisome (?) things. Obviously I know I have a tendency to overthink/nitpick things, so I don't know how valid my concerns are. 

But in a nutshell : the whole ghosting thing may have something to do with the fact that he is socially awkward/lacks communication skills.

When he told me he had this thing with this colleague, he profusely apologized and when I said there was no big deal, he could have told me the truth, and I would have understood, he apologized again and said he completely "panicked" and was not rational.

But the thing is, now that I see how he interacts with other people (the staff of the coffee shop, the stranger who was sitting next to us) I don't think this will be an isolated event and I suppose he panics like this in others situation. 

As a kid, he wanted to become a doctor but because he didn't know how to properly interact with other people, especially patients, he picked another job. 

I am not saying that all people who don't want to have a health-care provider/patient relationship lack social skills, not in the least. 

But with all these information, he strikes me as a shy and socially awkward guy. I am worried this will complicate a relationship. 

Am I reading too much into this ? 

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

But you've gotta get over this ^^^ self-conscious stuff about leading someone on. These are grown men, not delicate flowers

Yeah, I am trying to be more comfortable with this idea... Thank you for reminding me this. 

I offered to split the bill, but he insisted on paying saying it was "his pleasure". I agreed but said I would offer him a drink next time. 

But now, I don't know. 

I wish I didn't "owe" a drink ... 

As for the kiss, I am not attracted to him so I don't want to kiss nor touch him, at least for now. 

 

Thanks again for your help ! 

[Batya33]

You don't owe a drink - if you really feel badly make a donation in his honor at a charity if you "end" contact amicably.  Why postpone? What will change in a week? If someone postponed with me without a true emergency or illness I'd likely be done.  It's fine if you don't click with someone after a first meet but I wouldn't postpone -cut him loose.

[catfeeder]

I don’t think you’re overthinking that, it’s a valid concern. You demonstrate the kind of self consciousness that takes on too much responsibility for what your dates think and feel. Such a person is likely to keep you catering to that, and it would make you miserable.

 I would get out now.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

 as days went by, I started to notice some worrisome  things. 

That's ok . You don't have to go out again if you're not attracted and you don't even like his personality.

It may be best to be honest and let him know you're not a match. Cut your losses. Set both yourselves free. 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You don't owe a drink - if you really feel badly make a donation in his honor at a charity if you "end" contact amicably.  Why postpone? What will change in a week? If someone postponed with me without a true emergency or illness I'd likely be done. 

It was just to give me some time to process things, I guess. 

As I am not smitten by him, the prospect of seing him twice this week feels a bit too much, hence the postponement. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's fine if you don't click with someone after a first meet but I wouldn't postpone -cut him loose.

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don’t think you’re overthinking that, it’s a valid concern

Thanks for saying this. 

I am asking this because I wouldn't want to miss a great opportunity. So it's nice to know that my concerns are well founded.  

My sister, too, thinks there's better for me out there. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok . You don't have to go out again if you're not attracted and you don't even like his personality.

It may be best to be honest and let him know you're not a match. Cut your losses. Set both yourselves free. 

Thank you, that's what I am going to do ! 

We do get along and have plenty of common interests, but the aforementioned things bother me, that and not being physically attracted to him. 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

...I am asking this because I wouldn't want to miss a great opportunity. So it's nice to know that my concerns are well founded.  

My sister, too, thinks there's better for me out there. 

Yes, you're learning that the goal is NOT to try to force a fit with bad matches. That wastes your time and his. You're allowed to have a good time, yet on reflection recognize that you're just plain not interested in seeing him again.