aita? friendship has changed..

[quark]

I will try to keep this as short as possible, but I do tend to ramble...

I have a friend, Melody.  We met in school and have been friends for many years.  Mostly it was just out drinking (when we were younger), but we also talk to each other about life's problems.  Melody was with this terrible guy who had serious problems.  She broke it off, but she got pregnant right as the relationship ended.  To my disbelief and mixed feelings, she decided to keep the baby and be a single mom.

She entered a new relationship with a guy who was much more "normal", but not without problems.  He meets her minimum requirements of having a job and car, not being an addict, not in need of institutional mental help. He's extremely immature (emotionally and otherwise), distant and confusing in his actions.  She struggles with being a single mom.  He does not involve himself much in her child's life, he never stays over and she always has to do the mental work of planning any dates.  They have been together about 4 years or so, and nothing has changed.  She constantly upsets herself over whether or not he loves her, whether or not he thinks she is pretty (he never says it), and what the future holds for them.  She started turning to liquor as a means of coping.

Knowing she needed to get herself some alone time for her sanity, I started watching her kid while she went to a yoga studio.  I wanted to help her, but I also felt like it got one-sided.  Instead of a friendship that was mutually beneficial, it turned into me just babysitting all the time.  It came out in conversation that her gym offered childcare.  I wondered why she couldn't just utilize the gym?  Why does it have to be this one specific place?  I felt angry and kind of taken advantage of.  I hated that her stupid boyfriend couldn't chip in with helping watch her kid.  The drinking got worse when she lost a parent.  Instead of her boyfriend joining her broken family for Christmas dessert, he chose to use that time to check out car dealerships for a new car he has been wanting.  That's when I lost it and told her she needs to get rid of him.  Time passed, she continued to get upset by his actions.  The drinking got worse, she had an incident or two where her mom had to intervene because she couldn't even stand up or function properly.  Things were getting worse behind closed doors.  We still talked on the phone regularly, mainly about how her relationship was upsetting her.

I stopped talking to her after one particular tear-filled conversation where she was THIS close to ending it.  I wanted our next conversation to be her telling me that she broke it off.  That call never came.  Months and months went by until just recently she reached out again.  She had another drinking incident where she landed herself in the hospital this time.  She put herself, her child and others in danger by driving drunk.  She is now going to AA meetings.  Shortly after the phone call, she asked me to watch her kid so she could go to a meeting.

I am her friend, I care about her, and I want to help her but it's not going unnoticed that she only reaches out to me when she needs something.  I have a serious chip on my shoulder about her continuing this relationship with her boyfriend who does nothing to help her.  She can bring her child to the meetings, but of course does not them to have memories of that.  Seems too little too late since this kid has already seen her blackout drunk on several occasions, and already knows about alcohol, liquor and drinking.  What should I do?

TLDR:  Long time friend who makes questionable decisions is holding onto a boyfriend I absolutely hate.  Our friendship has changed and I don't want to be her babysitter even if it is for a good cause.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, quark said:

  She started turning to liquor as a means of coping.she only reaches out to me when she needs something.  Seems too little too late since this kid has already seen her blackout drunk on several occasions, and already knows about alcohol, liquor and drinking.  

Sorry this and happening. All you can do is distance yourself. She's made her poor choices. Her relationship is not the issue, so please don't bother with that. 

The issue is alcohol abuse and child neglect which is much more serious than her BF. You could report the child neglect to CPS, but that has ramifications. Please stop enabling her and listening to her problems. Unfortunately you need to cut her off. 

Please see if this offers you any information and support:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[quark]

I feel like a jerk though distancing myself from/cutting someone off who needs help and is finally doing the right thing to get help.  Her relationship is not the entire issue, but her boyfriend's actions are a direct catalyst to her drinking binges.

 

[Andrina]

When a friendship becomes unsatisfactory the majority of the time, it's time for it to be over. I had a friend much like yours, although she became pregnant on purpose because of her biological clock ticking. She found a dumb man to impregnate her which we all knew wouldn't end in a happily ever after, and it didn't. She'd always had a stream of problematic men and ignored everyone's advice.

When it happened, like in your case, that the only times she'd reach out to me was for favors that the majority time I refused, I let the relationship fade. 

This frees up your leisure time for a companion you can have fun with and whom doesn't stress you out or use you.

[Andrina]

2 minutes ago, quark said:

I feel like a jerk though distancing myself from/cutting someone off who needs help and is finally doing the right thing to get help.  Her relationship is not the entire issue, but her boyfriend's actions are a direct catalyst to her drinking binges.

When my kids were young, I traded babysitting hours with other families with children whom I knew well. Or, I paid a babysitter. She's an adult and will have to figure all that out. Of course, we like to occasionally help a friend, but this is too regular and she hasn't minded using you in the past. It's too much.

[Kwothe28]

Ah "Heater girl". I often wonder what happened to that heater. Is it OK and who got custody over it. 

Anyway, jokes aside, your friend is a mess. From single mother of a child she doesnt really want and is happy to dump on you(btw she doesnt take it to gym because she wants some time for herself away from it) to drinking and her choice of partners. And you are not responsible for that mess. Nore you can help. Sometimes people just are going to bang the head against the wall. And its not our fault. You dont need to bend over to help somebody who doesnt even appreciates your help. You can just say "No". 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, quark said:

She had another drinking incident where she landed herself in the hospital this time.  She put herself, her child and others in danger by driving drunk.  She is now going to AA meetings.  Shortly after the phone call, she asked me to watch her kid so she could go to a meeting.

Please distance yourself. If you want to babysit once in a while if she's at AA, that's supportive. But please stop babysitting when she goes to the gym and please stop listening to her relationship problems. 

But please stop trying to make her break-up with her BF. That's not really something you can control. That's what this is all about. Manage what you can and can't control, which is only babysitting when she's at AA.

[Tinydance]

I really think that even though you are a friend, you don't owe Melody the extent of support you are providing her. Friends can be supportive and listen to their friends' problems, but it's not on you to solve those problems or  babysit her child. In my opinion it's actually really not common for someone to keep babysitting a child when they aren't family or partner of the child's parent. The reason why it's not common is because it's not an obligation or requirement of someone who is just a friend. It's really not even an obligation for a family member. Family members usually babysit the child because they are relatives and they actually want to spend time with the child themselves.

Her child is Melody's sole responsibility and to be honest even her boyfriend doesn't have an obligation to babysit. This is not his child.  So the person who needs to provide like 99% of the care to the child should be Melody, the actual mother. You seem to have some kind of idea in your mind that other people owe it to her to take care of her child. They don't and you don't.

As sad as this is but she can't just rely on you or anyone else to babysit while she ignores her own child and is out at the gym or getting obliterated. I know it sucks but if she decided to keep the baby then her life isn't about partying, drinking and doing yoga. Some single mothers don't even have time to take a shower because they dedicate themselves to their child. This woman would rather be anywhere else. I know you feel bad for her but why is this your problem?

You are not a therapist or welfare worker so you really don't need to be trying to help Melody. If she needed help like fixing her computer or borrowing some make-up or something, sure. But we're talking about someone just using you as a free babysitter and therapist and that's really not your job.

I don't know why you're getting angry at her boyfriend or trying to push her to break up with him. This is a grown woman and she's making her own (bad) choices. You don't have power over her or her life so I don't really understand why you want to get involved in all this.

[catfeeder]

Just as churches often have on-site childcare during services, I doubt that AA has kids sitting in the actual meetings listening to its members. I'd ask friend whether she has found a sponsor, and whether she has discussed her childcare concerns with that person. 

She's creating an unnecessary barrier to her own recovery, and I wouldn't help her to do that. I'd challenge her on it.

[MissCanuck]

When a friendship causes this much resentment, you need to distance yourself. 

Have you got feelings for her? 

[quark]

Just to be clear all - I was sitting about a year ago for the gym, but I slowed/stopped once I found out her gym had child care.  Currently, she is only asking for help babysitting while she goes to constructive and positive places:  meetings or otherwise.  From my knowledge, she has been sober for at least 2-3 weeks.

She just reached out again because she wants to go to some outpatient program and wants help babysitting.  I told her that she should look into getting an actual babysitter to ensure she has someone to watch her kid while she does these things.  She said she doesn't know where to find one. 

I'm just speechless.  Who am I not to help a friend in need? But at the same time it's so infuriating that she refuses to help herself even a little bit.  When she asked for my help today I know she 100%  just assumed I would, and couldn't seem to wrap her head around my not wanting to do it just because I don't want to and no other reason or prior commitment.

[Batya33]

There are many websites to hire sitters like care.com or she can post on her nextdoor site and interview the person.

[Tinydance]

On 12/9/2023 at 3:35 AM, quark said:

Just to be clear all - I was sitting about a year ago for the gym, but I slowed/stopped once I found out her gym had child care.  Currently, she is only asking for help babysitting while she goes to constructive and positive places:  meetings or otherwise.  From my knowledge, she has been sober for at least 2-3 weeks.

She just reached out again because she wants to go to some outpatient program and wants help babysitting.  I told her that she should look into getting an actual babysitter to ensure she has someone to watch her kid while she does these things.  She said she doesn't know where to find one. 

I'm just speechless.  Who am I not to help a friend in need? But at the same time it's so infuriating that she refuses to help herself even a little bit.  When she asked for my help today I know she 100%  just assumed I would, and couldn't seem to wrap her head around my not wanting to do it just because I don't want to and no other reason or prior commitment.

Well even if it's asking you to babysit because she's going to AA meetings, while it's a good cause, it's not your job. Usually when people go to those meetings, they're encouraged to attend at least one or two a week. It's not really feasible that you're going to babysit once a week minimum. Aa far as I understand usually they have meetings at different times of day and every day. So she could definitely put her child in childcare or get a paid babysitter. I'm sure all parents would love a free babysitter to do productive things, e.g. actually go to work. But usually that's not an option so that's why childcare exists. By the way, I think they also do AA meetings online on Zoom. So she doesn't even have to leave the house to do them. Are you sure she's even going there or she's just saying she is? 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2023 at 11:35 AM, quark said:

She just reached out again because she wants to go to some outpatient program and wants help babysitting.  I told her that she should look into getting an actual babysitter 

You're right. She can not rely on random favors from friends. She needs to get organized childcare whether it's daycare, babysitting services, etc. Please try to distance yourself. Please don't enable her anymore. 

Please keep in mind that recovering from a drinking problem and the mess it leaves in their lives is a lot more than putting the bottle down for 19 days. She's unfortunately used to people enabling her and now expects it. 

[quark]

Thanks all.  I've had a lot of time to think about all the times I have come to her rescue in one way or another and it's a lot.  While not daily or even weekly, it seems to be the only capacity in which we've seen each other the past 2 years (or more).

I'm done watching her kid for the time being.  It won't be easy coming up with specific excuses as to why I cannot, but I'll manage.  I do think it's time for her to figure things out herself if she is ever going to grow and succeed.

[boltnrun]

Why come up with "excuses"? "I'm sorry, but I can't" is a complete sentence. If she asks why, "I'm unavailable" works just fine. 

[quark]

I will try to be so succinct 🙂  Takes courage.  I still feel guilty not 'helping' a friend hence the need for a valid excuse.

[Coily]

I think your friend may have had too much help. Not from you specifically, though you are suffering as a consequence, but rather she hasn't had to face the consequences of her bad actions until she ended up in the hospital. I get wanting the best for a friend, but sometimes helping is the last thing.

I had a friend with a severe drinking problem, he ruined his marriage, nearly lost his job; and I tried to be helpful. Then one evening, I realized that I was enabling some of this behavior, and cut him off. It took 3 years and we're hanging out again after he's cleaned his life up a bit. It was one of many shocks he had that year that got him to take charge of himself.

So think of this boundary as another kick start she needs to help herself, not you being a jerk.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, quark said:

I will try to be so succinct 🙂  Takes courage.  I still feel guilty not 'helping' a friend hence the need for a valid excuse.

I actually Googled AA meetings in various countries. Had a look at US, UK and Australian site. I'm pretty sure they all said that they offer a variety of meeting times by video call on Zoom. So she doesn't have to actually leave the house to attend the meetings. She could put her child for a nap and attend one or while her child is playing on their own. So why do you feel bad that you can't babysit when it's not necessarily for her to actually join these meetings? Some are also in the evening so the child might even be asleep by then.