My boyfriend broke up with me

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree.   Alex has dated plenty of guys, she's been posting about various guys she's dated for 10+ years.   She's even  lived with a couple of them.

She knows how to spot red flags etc, she's not new to this scene.  

She chooses to not see them or if she does to ignore them.  I hope this doesn't sound too mean, not my intention, but it's called delusional thinking and extremely unhealthy. 

BTDT myself many moons ago, I called it living in Never-Never Land. 

Ok, my mistake. As I said, I don’t know of her past… 

[Alex39]

35 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think you just lack experience in dating. See, 20 years ago (when I was 20) we didn’t have so many dating apps, we would meet in real life and there wasn’t so much of “competition” it was easier. But things change and when I divorced two years ago, after a 10 years relationship I didn’t realize it would be so complicated to find someone. I started to engage with guys without even seeing the red flags because I had no experience. But after having interacted with so many different men in two years, I developed a competence in reading guys intentions, and I’m still learning. It’s not easy and you cannot pretend it’s just because you are blind. You don’t see red flags because you didn’t learn how to date guys… 

Try to give yourself some time to interact with new men, meet them, enjoy the dates and develop your judgment about men. Read articles, listen to dating coach podcasts (especially the ones who teach you how to spot red flags early on) Do it as an experiment, as self improvement. This is my advice. 

You are not dumb, you just need more experience, in my opinion. You are only 32, you will find your mister right… but not now 😉

I've easily been on 50 first dates. So I don't know about this. 

[Alex39]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree.   Alex has dated plenty of guys, she's been posting about various guys she's dated for 10+ years.   She's even  lived with a couple of them.

She knows how to spot red flags etc, she's not new to this scene.  

She chooses to not see them or if she does to ignore them.  I hope this doesn't sound too mean, not my intention, but it's called delusional thinking and extremely unhealthy. 

BTDT myself many moons ago, I called it living in Never-Never Land. 

I learned from it. 

 

 

 

This is very mean. I'm not delusional. 

I've met and dated so many men. And not one of them was right for me. So yeah, sometimes you just get tired and hope that the next one is Mr. Right and you lower your standards because maybe they were too high. I've had friends tell me my standards are way too high. 

So I try to be more available and less rigid and high maintenance. 

My friends all met Mr. Right after maybe dating three men. So it gets frustrating going through so many men and not meeting one that you connect with, that is a good one. So yes, I connected with this guy. We got along. We did have some really great times. When we first got together he was a bit flaky, but the in-between time from then until now we were close, happy, and we did have a good flowing relationship. About a month ago, he started having work stresses, and I noticed him changing. But he was still calling me all the time and venting about it. I supported him. 

 

Then he changed jobs and his new job is much more labor intensive. He's more busy and tired. Then he started the second job. We used to talk every day on the phone after work. See each other at least two times a week. His 2nd job started slow, with two nights a week. Then three nights. Then him taking every shift they offer. 

I kept telling him he was going to burn himself out. But he said he needed the money and seems really set on it. 

He seems very stressed about money lately. I don't know why. His situation hasn't changed from when we met. 

I decided to get a 2nd job too. To keep me busy and make some money. He inspired me. But I was picky. I wanted casual, flexible, so I could still have my weekends and my life with him. He kept telling me to just go for anything and even if I had to work a ton, it'd be temporary and even if we didn't see each other for a while, we could quit after the holidays. I thought this was weird. 

I got my 2nd job and its super casual and flexible and doesn't interfere with him or I at all. 

He is trying to get this better apartment. He kept saying how I could stay over more and we'd have more room. And he was considerate of me in his decision, he told me. This was only 3 to 4 weeks ago. 

He was saying he was coming over for Thanksgiving to see my family. Again this was recently. 

He was talking about the apartment, the holidays. He's invited me only a few weeks ago to spend Christmas with his family. I was so excited. 

A couple weeks ago he even brought me to his work, introduced me to co-workers and gave me a big tour. 

I have no idea what has changed and why this is happening. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Alex39 said:

After All the bailing and the lack of effort I just flat out asked him. "You've been so busy lately with work and your friends, do you still want to be in a relationship with me?"

So I say "you don't know if you want to be with me?" He says "I don't know if I'm ready". He says stuff like- I thought I was ready, but I just don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship. 

It seems like you broke up with him because he was blowing you off again frequently. Then when confronted, he just says "he's not ready". This seems to explain why his stuff is there and it seems sudden. 

However you're both right. He was blowing you off and you finally called him out on it. He was never ready for the relationship you wanted. He was cool with if and when he feels like it, but he certainly never acted like he wants to be tied down or make you a priority.

In a way it's good things finally came to a head. He could have coasted along indefinitely as long as you were willing to be on the back burner and continued to put up with his "busy, stressed, broke" excuses. 

[Lambert]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I have no idea what has changed and why this is happening. 

Break ups are a roller coaster of emotions and conflicting thoughts.  I think the lesson in this situation might be to see the flaky actions in the beginning as the person's real feelings and RUN!

Happy, healthy relationships that last long term do seem to be easy and steady from the get go.  That's been my experience anyway. 

Whenever I thought the guy was a little hesitant to me in the beginning, it always came back to that insecure, not ready state.  ugh.

I think its natural to want to be in a relationship. And we all, both men and women know how hard it can be.  So sometimes we go forward even though we're not 100% into it.  Of course we want it to work, so we don't let on that on the inside we have doubts. 

Then a few months in, when push comes to shove, things get more serious, sharing holidays, family time.... the cracks show. And that original hesitation becomes the very real "I'm not ready".

It's not fair but life isn't fair. You have to wait for the guy that's consistently interested from the beginning. Those are the guys that are ready. It comes naturally through their choice.  You can't will it or convince them. 

If you follow this you won't waste your time with dud after dud. Sure you might be single for a while but then that's when you realize you are whole all on your own. And you only want a quality guy. 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you broke up with him because he was blowing you off again frequently. Then when confronted, he just says "he's not ready". This seems to explain why his stuff is there and it seems sudden. 

However you're both right. He was blowing you off and you finally called him out on it. He was never ready for the relationship you wanted. He was cool with if and when he feels like it, but he certainly never acted like he wants to be tied down or make you a priority.

In a way it's good things finally came to a head. He could have coasted along indefinitely as long as you were willing to be on the back burner and continued to put up with his "busy, stressed, broke" excuses. 

I agree with this. I'll add, he broke up with me. It hurts so bad. I feel so depressed and I'm hurting. All I want to do is cry all the time. 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Break ups are a roller coaster of emotions and conflicting thoughts.  I think the lesson in this situation might be to see the flaky actions in the beginning as the person's real feelings and RUN!

Happy, healthy relationships that last long term do seem to be easy and steady from the get go.  That's been my experience anyway. 

Whenever I thought the guy was a little hesitant to me in the beginning, it always came back to that insecure, not ready state.  ugh.

I think its natural to want to be in a relationship. And we all, both men and women know how hard it can be.  So sometimes we go forward even though we're not 100% into it.  Of course we want it to work, so we don't let on that on the inside we have doubts. 

Then a few months in, when push comes to shove, things get more serious, sharing holidays, family time.... the cracks show. And that original hesitation becomes the very real "I'm not ready".

It's not fair but life isn't fair. You have to wait for the guy that's consistently interested from the beginning. Those are the guys that are ready. It comes naturally through their choice.  You can't will it or convince them. 

If you follow this you won't waste your time with dud after dud. Sure you might be single for a while but then that's when you realize you are whole all on your own. And you only want a quality guy. 

I stayed single for four years not dating to work on myself. Going into this I felt whole, comfortable being myself, and open to love. I did the work, I went to therapy. I feel so lost now. 

 

I guess I've just never met a guy in 10 years that it just was right. It seems impossible to find. 

[boltnrun]

And it can happen even when the guy acts like he's all in.

I dated a guy who had pursued me literally for well over a year. In fact, I was rude to him when he approached me one time and he still tried. I finally decided to date him and he was delighted. He always had to sit right next to me with his arm around me and he smiled happily when he sat down with me. He proudly showed me off to his friends and introduced me to his parents. He took me everywhere with him...until he didn't. Gradually he started acting less enamoured. And long story short, he broke up with me, telling me he wasn't "feeling it". Talk about heartbroken. I'd fallen totally in love with him but he decided he didn't want to be with me after all. He eventually ended up reconciling and marrying his ex. 

But in your case, Alex, this guy has been lukewarm. You were only dating for a few months (your "Nervous for date" thread was in August) and he spent a large amount of that time flaking, cancelling and blowing you off. Not the way a man in love behaves. 

I do understand you're hurt and disappointed. It's not a nice thing to go through. But I still believe he wasn't the right one for you.

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I stayed single for four years not dating to work on myself. Going into this I felt whole, comfortable being myself, and open to love. 

 

I guess I've just never met a guy in 10 years that it just was right. It seems impossible to find. 

If you choose not to date, why don't you do that for a while?  Stop making every guy a boyfriend. 

There is an area between single (no dates) and single (with a steady beau).

In this area, you're focused on yourself. Your career, your family,  your friends, your hobbies/ interests and guy friends that might be more if it goes that way. 

And its okay "if it goes that way" or it doesn't.  

At some point you have to enjoy your life for you or what's the point?

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I agree with this. I'll add, he broke up with me. 

Actually, you confronted him. Which is a great sign. You're not the victim here. You just finally called him out on his excuses, lies and lame behavior. 

Jump for joy that you stood up for yourself finally. You dodged a huge bullet.  You only wasted 6 mos and while there were a few good things and a couple of glimmers of hope, for the most part you were crying, frustrated and hurt more often than not.

Reframe things. Tell your friends and family you finally dumped this clown.

[LootieTootie]

Hi Alex,

I'm sorry about this but I'm with everyone, this guy isn't worth the hassle. Guy was a flake with unlimited supply of breadcrumbs. I think you were an ego-booster he felt he needed in his life, and I think he believed that he could love you and give you what you want because maybe eventually it'll work out. But he never really tried to make it work out. And the big reason for that was because Alex carried the relationship so why should he have to put any real effort in? 

On Wednesday, give him his things and just say "wish you the best." There's nothing else and nothing worth holding on to, since he never gave you the time and effort you deserved.

In your deleted threads, I once asked you if he ever asked you about you- like if he actually cared to know more about Alex and what Alex likes and doesn't like, what's bothering Alex or what's on her mind. You never really answered that question.

IMO, it just seemed like this guy was using you but he never really cared about your feelings or treating you like a girlfriend. Even to the end, he called you just to vent about his non-stop work life, and I'm sure you were the only one who would ask about dates. I am bringing this up again because I think this is the biggest factor when you're dating someone and the way to gauge their commitment or investment in you is if they're actually in to you and they want to keep on knowing you because the more they know about you, the more you both are in sync. I never got that impression from reading your posts he was like that. 

I hope you heal fast by focusing on all the positives in your life. You have so much going on, don't let this bring you down and question your worth. You are enough. You just need to fix that picker.

[boltnrun]

Want to know one of the reasons that guy I mentioned broke up with me? I drove to him, every single time. He never, not once, drove to spend the weekend with me. He said there was no "challenge", he could do absolutely nothing and I'd still be there, giving him sex and companionship. My eagerness to cater to him and "be nice and kind" caused him to lose interest.

It was a tough lesson but I learned it. The next man I dated drove sometimes two hours to see me. I seldom had to drive to see him. 

[Jaunty]

48 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I stayed single for four years not dating to work on myself. Going into this I felt whole, comfortable being myself, and open to love. I did the work, I went to therapy. I feel so lost now. 

Please read your one remaining thread about this relationship.   The one @Wiseman2 linked above.  Near the end of it you were posting at length about how you were losing yourself, and also how he never asked you anything about yourself etc.  

48 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I guess I've just never met a guy in 10 years that it just was right. It seems impossible to find. 

You want it too desperately for it to be "right."   

There are some pretty big holes in your life that I believe would be wise for you to fill.   

Are you currently working from home or do you go to an office or other type of workplace every day?

[Alex39]

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Please read your one remaining thread about this relationship.   The one @Wiseman2 linked above.  Near the end of it you were posting at length about how you were losing yourself, and also how he never asked you anything about yourself etc.  

You want it too desperately for it to be "right."   

There are some pretty big holes in your life that I believe would be wise for you to fill.   

Are you currently working from home or do you go to an office or other type of workplace every day?

I work half in office half at home. I have a few nice friends at my work. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel like I am getting broken up with because I'm not good enough. 

I'm so sorry to hear of the breakup, Alex. No, it's not because you're not good enough, it's because HE was never good enough for you, yet you settled for him.

He made it clear from the start that he was not going to deliver what you deserve, so you just lowered your standards and kept taking scraps. Then the scraps got so meager that even the guy himself can't justify keeping you on the hook. You deserve better, and you will find better--IF you learn from this to avoid settling for a guy who never walks his talk.

Congrat's on your health success! Once you process this grief, you can choose to come out the other side feeling confident and ready to screen out losers properly. I have faith in you. I think you'll get it right once you start valuing your Self in the very same way you want to be valued by another.

Head high, honey.

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He seems very stressed about money lately. I don't know why. His situation hasn't changed from when we met. 

 

Maybe he is really broke, like with huge debts etc… please read this thread. 

 

[kim42]

Hi Alex, I'm sorry you're hurting, I remember your thread about this man. I don't think I'm the best to give advice based on my own threads, but I think the others have given you valuable advice over here. Maybe you need more time to reflect on that and fully absorb it.

I'm in a different situation but generally speaking what has helped me in dating is to look at things in a different way and consider trying a different approach.

Also, you are not a victim, you can change your situation by your own actions - I know it's not easy but having a different mindset might help you.

One piece of advice after all - please don't compare yourself to your friends, it doesn't mean that their life is better or more valuable than yours just because they are married.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You’ve been there but at the end you didn’t settle for scraps, that I know. 
Why not? 

LOL that is off topic! But good question for a separate discussion. In short I became the right person to find the right person (I hope the same for Alex39 -largely in her control but not all) and most often I did not settle for scraps but for Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right on Paper.  Mostly I was treated with respect and like a lady throughout my dating with a couple exceptions.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

When we first got together he was a bit flaky,

With all due respect it wasn't only at first or a bit.  At all.  IMHO of course!  I dated multiples of 3 men as I've written here -good for your friends.  Doesn't always work that way for sure. I am not more valuable because I am married -for better or worse at least in the US city I live in it's easier to move about in life being a married couple.  I know it's unfair - life isn't fair certainly didn't seem fair at times when I was single and pressed my nose up against the proverbial glass wanting that good marriage and a child.  I personally do not assess value by marital status.  Doesn't really make any sense to me.  I think certain brides value themselves a great deal as far as celebrating their marriage with lots of stuff and glitz and a huge fancy expensive party.  Doesn't mean they also value their marriage or family. Apples and oranges.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/13/2023 at 3:11 PM, Alex39 said:

What do I say to him Wednesday?

Have you spoken to him since? Is he still coming to get his stuff? 

[Alex39]

I messaged him letting him know I get out of work at 4pm tonight. He said "Oh no, can you do tomorrow?"

 

I said "I'm working later tomorrow and probably won't be available."

Then I said "are you not coming tonight? I am just trying to plan me day. "

 

Then said "I'm a bit busy with the holidays next week so might not have time, if this week is too much for you."

 

Then he said "I understand. I'm sorry. I got asked to work overtime tonight until 7pm."

 

Then sent me a picture of his work at work. But he wasn't in the picture. 

So I said "Okay, well you can contact me when you are free and and I'll see if I'm around"

 

Then he said "are you around tomorrow?"

 

I said "I'm not free until 7"

 

He says "ohhh okay, well plan your day then"

 

And I say " I'm confused, just clarifying, are we meeting up tonight or tomorrow?"

 

And he says "I cannot tonight"

 

And I say "tomorrow at 7?"

 

He says "sure"

 

Idk if I should be mad, upset, whatever. Maybe I was too harsh and cold to him?

 

Why send a picture of your work at work? What do you expect me to say- great congrats, you get to work a higher position overtime! Yay you! 

 

Like come on! 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Maybe I was too harsh and cold to him?

He broke up with you. There's no need to worry about what he thinks of your responses.

I know it's a tough transition, but interacting as though you're still a couple isn't necessary. Also, catering to his flakiness isn't required either.

Unless it's a pricey gaming system or a laptop computer or something, is there a reason why you can't just leave his things in a box outside your front door and he can come by when you're not home? I don't get why you need to be there.

[Starlight925]

Even in the breakup, he makes a plan, flakes, can’t commit to a new plan, sends you odd pictures of what he’s doing, and still can barely commit to a new plan. 
And you’re worried about how you’re coming across, to him?

 

[Crawfords Wine]

What sort of stuff has he got stashed at yours? 
Standard stuff like some spare clothes, toiletries and the like?
You don't need to be there when he picks those up. 
You can just pack up his stuff in a box or a bag, and leave it in a safe place like your porch or similar. 

Text him to notify him of the details. Stick to them, no more bending over backwards trying to accommodate him.
No more effort on your part.
 

If it was important enough to him, he would have been around today to pick them up. Apparently it isn't, so why make it of any importance to you?

Dump his stuff, and dump any notions of a reconciliation with this fellow.

He's a tool, and you are much better off without this flotsam in your life.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Crawfords Wine said:

What sort of stuff has he got stashed at yours? 
Standard stuff like some spare clothes, toiletries and the like?
You don't need to be there when he picks those up. 
You can just pack up his stuff in a box or a bag, and leave it in a safe place like your porch or similar. 

Text him to notify him of the details. Stick to them, no more bending over backwards trying to accommodate him.
No more effort on your part.
 

If it was important enough to him, he would have been around today to pick them up. Apparently it isn't, so why make it of any importance to you?

Dump his stuff, and dump any notions of a reconciliation with this fellow.

He's a tool, and you are much better off without this flotsam in your life.

All of this or one of his many friends who he has helped move, etc would have come to get his stuff today.