Is it a red flag when a guy does this?

[AlessiaB]

I've been dating someone new since the start of summer and we've spent almost every day together.  He did disclose to me early when we first met that he has ADHD and used to have some anger issues while he was taking meds, but that he's learned to cope with it and I rarely have ever seen him lose his temper.  This past weekend however, he had some friends and I over at his house and after they left he couldn't find a pair of slides and he got extremely angry.  I was frightened because I've never seem him like that before.  He was yelling about how he was gonna beat up whoever stole them, complained about his parents touching his things, kicking and pushing the wall.  I get that the shoes were expensive, but I thought that was a huge overreaction.  He calmed down not too long after that and he kept apologizing to me, but I asked to sleep in the guest room because I felt really uncomfortable.  

I don't know if I'm thinking too much about this, but I've seen too many stories of this happening to my aunts or older cousins.  To be clear, his anger has never been directed at me and we've never fought but after seeing his behavior, I can't help but wonder if he could act like that to me one day.  Like one day, it's hitting a wall what's next?  We had a discussion and I told him that it wasn't okay at all and he apologized for getting angry, but to me that doesn't really change anything.  I like him a lot but I know that people rarely change.  And I can't help but wonder if I should just wait a bit longer to see if he ever does anything like this, or see this as a red flag and dip out before I'm in too deep.  I don't want to break up because I feel like that's impulsive and I'm just nervous to make a decision that I might regret one day.  Because other this one incident, he treats me amazing and has never made me lose trust in him for any reason.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AlessiaB said:

 he has ADHD and used to have some anger issues while he was taking meds. I was frightened because I've never seem him like that before.  He was yelling about how he was gonna beat up whoever stole them, complained about his parents touching his things, kicking and pushing the wall.

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Please trust your instincts about these red flags.

He hasn't unleashed his abusive raging directly on you...yet. But he certainly acts out violently and uncontrollably right in front of you.  Which was your cue to Run, not stay in the guest room. 

It's time to tell him it's not working out and delete and block him permanently. 

Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. He's already throwing things, punching walls, raging, etc. 

Please get out now. Don't stick around for the next tantrum when he flings something at you or decides because you stuck around (big mistake) that you'll be a good target to punch because you're giving him "a chance". 

[SherrySher]

I would give it one last chance.

You've seen it one time, you've told him it bothers you, now wait and see if it ever comes up again.

If he shows any signs of anger like that ever again, end it.

Don't try to justify, don't allow him to change your mind, just end it.

Once might be bad sleep, stress, etc...but twice is a sure indication that you're in for a really bad time if you continue with this person.

It also sounds like he needs anger management.

Mention it to him, be strong in your stance that he needs to get more help controlling his anger, and he needs to do it NOW.

[AlessiaB]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Please trust your instincts about these red flags.

He hasn't unleashed his abusive raging directly on you...yet. But he certainly acts out violently and uncontrollably right in front of you.  Which was your cue to Run, not stay in the guest room. 

It's time to tell him it's not working out and delete and block him permanently. 

Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. He's already throwing things, punching walls, raging, etc. 

Please get out now. Don't stick around for the next tantrum when he flings something at you or decides because you stuck around (big mistake) that you'll be a good target to punch because you're giving him "a chance". 

We've been dating since we met in April and made it official in May.  We spent the summer together because I'm in school and decided to stay the summer in our college town to be an RA so we've been together pretty much every day since.  The thing is my gut instincts tell me he's a great guy because he's done a lot for me and I feel lucky because I haven't seen many guys treat their girlfriends good.  So many of my friends are in situation-ships or complaining about their guy not acting right.  Like I've had to go to the hospital twice this semester and he came right away when my friends told him, he drops me and off and picks me from work because I have no car, he's kind to his friends and my parents, when he was pledging a frat he brought me to all their parties and would come home with me every night so I wouldn't feel insecure that there were other sorority girls around, so idk.  I feel like he's a pretty solid guy and he's very good to me.  Thank you for your advice though I am going to think a lot about it.  You're very right, I just don't want to be impulsive.

[Kwothe28]

I think his ADHD kicked in. And that, due to that, you saw that reaction. And that I dont think its "one and done". So if that frightened you and you couldnt bear it, there is nothing for you there. Because this will happen again down the line. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Needs some de-escalation help.

 

If no more meds, might be reason to use them again.

 

Have the slides shown up?

[poorlittlefish]

The honeymoon period is waning and you are now getting glimpses of what your boyfriend can really be like.  I experienced similar with my ex.  He started off slamming doors and hurling the remote control, but had excuses for everything.  As time went on, his rages over petty things became worse and it got seriously scary.  The chances of your boyfriend being able to keep a lid on his anger are slim and even if he does, you may well realise and still be walking on egg shells. 

If you want to continue with this guy, tell him how his behaviour made you feel, make it very clear that if anything similar happens again you will end the relationship AND MEAN IT.  The more you enable it or excuse it away, the more it will happen because he knows your promises are empty.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

 I feel like he's a pretty solid guy and he's very good to me.  I am going to think a lot about it.  

Take your time, digest what happened and definitely read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Read up on "love bombing" as well . Keep in mind he already warned you he has (not "had", because he's still having tantrums and raging) an "anger problem".  He already frightens you. He seems good at fostering dependency such as driving you around, etc. 

[HeartGoesOn]

When someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them!

[smackie9]

 

Yes he was honest about it at least BUT you are kidding yourself if you feel this could be a one and done. He told you it happens, and it will happen again.

Would you want this man doing this around your future children? And the possibility of passing this disorder on them?

[Coily]

When you say he calmed down not too long after, how long are we talking? 5,10, 20, 40 minutes and hour?
 

Some people act very rashly for a very brief period of time, and go back to their normal selves. Usually 5 minutes or less. Over that 5 minute mark the bigger the red flag gets. You need to think on this in context of if a friend of yours came to you with their BF acting this way.

 

[echooflaugh]

Coming from someone who dated a person with ADHD and anger issues for 7 years, which ended up bad bad bad, Id say let him go. Anger issue is really hard to get over, really needs constant work and could lead to a very destructive path. I lived in pain frustration abuse for years and at the end he also fxxx me up financially. 

[AlessiaB]

39 minutes ago, echooflaugh said:

Coming from someone who dated a person with ADHD and anger issues for 7 years, which ended up bad bad bad, Id say let him go. Anger issue is really hard to get over, really needs constant work and could lead to a very destructive path. I lived in pain frustration abuse for years and at the end he also fxxx me up financially. 

Did he show that side of him early on or how did you find out about his anger issues?

[AlessiaB]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

When you say he calmed down not too long after, how long are we talking? 5,10, 20, 40 minutes and hour?
 

Some people act very rashly for a very brief period of time, and go back to their normal selves. Usually 5 minutes or less. Over that 5 minute mark the bigger the red flag gets. You need to think on this in context of if a friend of yours came to you with their BF acting this way.

 

I would say around 10 minutes.  He cooled off and I had fallen asleep downstairs and I woke up to him carrying me upstairs. I know that I'm making excuses, but I would say he did bounce back pretty quickly but I still don't wanna ignore this, I find it really concerning.

[Coily]

12 minutes ago, AlessiaB said:

I would say around 10 minutes.  He cooled off and I had fallen asleep downstairs and I woke up to him carrying me upstairs. I know that I'm making excuses, but I would say he did bounce back pretty quickly but I still don't wanna ignore this, I find it really concerning.

It's natural to want to be defensive of your other half, and your instincts are in the right place. But If your gut is telling you this is a big deal, it is.

The question I always have:
"Is this something they know and are actively willing to work on?"
"Will they understand how uncomfortable it makes their other half?"

From the sound of things you are very aware of all these answers, the hardest part is will your BF do more than apologize? And will he take it upon himself to make these changes, and not have you "nag" him about it?

The ball is in his court, and has always been on his anger. You need to think about what is too far for you. Not what's to far for us anonymous observes who come in with our biases. What is your gut telling you?

[AlessiaB]

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

It's natural to want to be defensive of your other half, and your instincts are in the right place. But If your gut is telling you this is a big deal, it is.

The question I always have:
"Is this something they know and are actively willing to work on?"
"Will they understand how uncomfortable it makes their other half?"

From the sound of things you are very aware of all these answers, the hardest part is will your BF do more than apologize? And will he take it upon himself to make these changes, and not have you "nag" him about it?

The ball is in his court, and has always been on his anger. You need to think about what is too far for you. Not what's to far for us anonymous observes who come in with our biases. What is your gut telling you?

We had a conversation about it and he explained that since high school, he worked hard to try and work on these issues and his parents have also said that he is much better now than before.  We're 2nd and 3rd years in college.  So I think I will have to wait and see.  On one hand, I kind of want to take a break because even though I like him a lot, there are other things that I feel we're a bit incompatible on.  He and his friends are very fratty, like the typical guy who's hot headed and into cars but he's very sweet and gentle in how he treats me, not just when we're alone but pretty much 24/7 he is a good boyfriend.  I do have a type and I like guys who are more gentle and introverted, into reading books and who gets me on an emotional level. Sometimes I feel like there isn't a whole lot there between us and it feels more like we're best friends.  And then on the other hand, I DO have feelings for him and I remember loving him, I just don't know if I'm IN love with him.  I know that it takes a while to truly love someone, I'm just feeling torn because I really do have feelings for him, I'm just not sure if I can see us lasting forever.  I don't want to waste time or my heart on something that might just fizzle out 😕

[Cherylyn]

I think it's a red flag.  I don't like anyone who explodes in anger no matter who it is. 🤬 It's not a matter of self control either.  He (or in other cases she) shouldn't have anything to control in the first place.  A fiery temper of shouting,  yelling,  hitting a wall or person,  throwing things and displaying a hot temper is indeed alarming.  Sure,  he can apologize but there's no telling when it will happen again and it will at some point.  This is not the end of it.  He showed you his true unsavory character during an unguarded moment and now you know the real him which is your sobering reality check.  Beware and date him at your own risk.  🥺

[AlessiaB]

16 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I think it's a red flag.  I don't like anyone who explodes in anger no matter who it is. 🤬 It's not a matter of self control either.  He (or in other cases she) shouldn't have anything to control in the first place.  A fiery temper of shouting,  yelling,  hitting a wall or person,  throwing things and displaying a hot temper is indeed alarming.  Sure,  he can apologize but there's no telling when it will happen again and it will at some point.  This is not the end of it.  He showed you his true unsavory character during an unguarded moment and now you know the real him which is your sobering reality check.  Beware and date him at your own risk.  🥺

Yeah I agree. Is it normal for my feelings to change over something like this?  I just feel distant from him and I don't really want to be around him.  It's not even just that it was a red flag, but it was totally unattractive to see a grown man throw a tantrum over a pair of shoes.  Like a massive turn off and it makes me not want to be intimate with him atm.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AlessiaB said:

Yeah I agree. Is it normal for my feelings to change over something like this?  I just feel distant from him and I don't really want to be around him.  It's not even just that it was a red flag, but it was totally unattractive to see a grown man throw a tantrum over a pair of shoes.  Like a massive turn off and it makes me not want to be intimate with him atm.

Very normal.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, AlessiaB said:

 It's not even just that it was a red flag, but it was totally unattractive to see a grown man throw a tantrum over a pair of shoes.  Like a massive turn off and it makes me not want to be intimate with him atm.

After such a short time dating and being exclusive this is your answer right here.  You have seen a side of him that is not attractive to the point you wouldn't even sleep in the same bedroom as him. Today it was shoes (which I am sure were found later and not stolen) but what if you have children together?  Kids can be super stressful right?

 I am all for second chances and grace but his actions were so upsetting to you that you view him as a totally different person, a person you do not see as attractive.  Talk to him and be firm on your stance that you cannot be in a relationship with someone that cannot control their anger, especially over something so trivial as misplaced shoes. Then what he does next will tell you what you do next.

 Lost

[boltnrun]

What current treatment is he receiving for his ADHD and anger?

[AlessiaB]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

After such a short time dating and being exclusive this is your answer right here.  You have seen a side of him that is not attractive to the point you wouldn't even sleep in the same bedroom as him. Today it was shoes (which I am sure were found later and not stolen) but what if you have children together?  Kids can be super stressful right?

 I am all for second chances and grace but his actions were so upsetting to you that you view him as a totally different person, a person you do not see as attractive.  Talk to him and be firm on your stance that you cannot be in a relationship with someone that cannot control their anger, especially over something so trivial as misplaced shoes. Then what he does next will tell you what you do next.

 Lost

Thank you for the advice:). And yeah, it turns out his mom put his shoes back in his closet before they left for the weekend.  That isn't even the only thing that bothers me.  The way he just jumped to conclusions that his friends must've stolen his shoes and he started calling them while he was raging around.  I'm so happy they didn't answer because he would've lost a bunch of friends that night.  I just don't get why his mind jumps so fast like it didn't even occur to him that maybe HE misplaced the shoes and instead he goes making accusations.  

[AlessiaB]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What current treatment is he receiving for his ADHD and anger?

He isn't receiving any treatment because he hasn't had an episode like this in two years since high school.  He used to be on meds but it would make him feel numb or be careless about people's emotions he said and he said he hated the person he'd turned into, so he learned to cope without them. 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

I would say around 10 minutes.  He cooled off and I had fallen asleep downstairs and I woke up to him carrying me upstairs. I know that I'm making excuses, but I would say he did bounce back pretty quickly but I still don't wanna ignore this, I find it really concerning.

He decided for you that you will sleep upstairs instead of respecting your choice to sleep elsewhere?

Not good.

[AlessiaB]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

He decided for you that you will sleep upstairs instead of respecting your choice to sleep elsewhere?

Not good.

Well I had mentioned to him I wanted to sleep either downstairs or in the guest room upstairs instead of with him but I'd fallen asleep on the couch after I spoke with my mom.  I guess he was just taking me to the guest room because he told me he didn't think it was a good idea for me to sleep by myself downstairs.  He and my mom are both paranoid like that because they hear stories on the news where a girl gets kidnapped from sleeping in the living room.