I need advice. Boyfriend got drunk with female friend

[Karina2801]

My boyfriend has addictions. I accepted this as something I could help with and we ended up dating. One night he told me he got drunk with a female friend (didn’t tell me he was going) he said he knows she likes him but he would never do anything with her. The next day I found a condom in his trash (new trash bag) and it looked like there was period blood it smelled too. I saw two wrappers too, one was expired. I feel like a psycho. Previously I had seen two condoms at the top in the trash on the same side that he doesn’t use when we’re together which is why I explored the garbage. I asked him if he’s slept with anyone since we started seeing each other and he said no. Now he missed an important appointment because I’m guessing he drank. I didn’t tell him about the condoms. I wanted hard evidence but this is destroying me. I’m not even sure how to break up because I want to trust him. I’m just so torn. 

[Starlight925]

I'm sure the condoms were from his cousin's best friend's brother-in-law's stepdad.

And I'm sure he drank apple juice with his female friend while they watched Gilmore Girls.

 

[boltnrun]

How did you plan to "help" with his addictions? If you are a trained addiction counselor it's a bad idea to date a patient. And if you're not, there isn't anything you can do to "help" him.

Is his goal to stop using? Or is it your goal to "get" him to stop using?

[Andrina]

Your self-love is in the gutter if you stay with him one more millisecond. Well, actually, there are no "ifs" since you're questioning others to get input for what you should already know. Tell him this relationship is no longer working for you, and then read up on how to improve your self-worth so that you will make wiser decisions in the dating world. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Karina2801 said:

My boyfriend has addictions. I accepted this as something I could help with and we ended up dating. One night he told me he got drunk with a female friend. Now he missed an important appointment because I’m guessing he drank. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Please trust your instincts. He has drinking and addiction problems as well as issues with integrity and loyalty. 

Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. You don't even have to mention the condoms (unless you want to hear a list of excuses and lies).

Just tell him it's not working out then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

There's no reason to sign up for this kind of trouble. Please stop having sex with him and get tested for STDs. 

[Karina2801]

He’s in his late 20’s and it’s only been a few months. I thought by having someone positive in his life who doesn’t do those things he could see that there’s more to life. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Karina2801 said:

 he could see that there’s more to life. 

He can see that without dragging you into his debauchery, but chooses not to. Please reflect why you would even consider dating someone like this. 

[Karina2801]

To be honest I just wanted to be his friend at first and then things progressed. He can be super sweet, nice and funny. I knew he had struggles but then he said that he loves me and I trusted that. 

[Jaunty]

I hope you are very clear now that this guy is in no way “boyfriend material” for you or anyone.

You don’t need any proof.   A practicing addict / alcoholic has nothing to offer and they are reliably self serving   If having you around is a benefit to him, he will say what is most likely to keep you on board  

“Love” is not part of the scenario   

Addiction recovery groups are full of slogans.  One of them is: Q. “how do I know they’re lying?” A. “Their lips are moving. "
 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Karina2801 said:

I thought by having someone positive in his life who doesn’t do those things he could see that there’s more to life. 

Thing is, "messy people" tend to make a mess regardless if somebody healthy and positive is with them. It requires a genuine therapy, not somebody who goes in with an attitude "I can change him/her". Because they will only drag that somebody into their mess. Proof: You are now dealing with an alcie who slept with somebody else. That will only scar you for the future. You didnt help him with anything. But he sure did drag you into mess.

Break up. There is no future there and it will only get messier in time. You cant change somebody like that. Take it as a lesson for future and dont date messes under the assumption you can change them.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Karina2801 said:

I thought by having someone positive in his life who doesn’t do those things he could see that there’s more to life. 

This tells me that you (fortuately) have no experience with addiction, because this is just not how it works at all. It would be nice if all it took was a positive influence but that's sadly just a naive wish. 

I know you like him but you would be crazy to stay with him. This is already off the rails and unhealthy. You need to walk away. 

[Karina2801]

You’re completely right. I’ve never dealt with this ever, and it’s very painful to think that someone you care about is doing that. It’s sad because almost all his friends and family are doing one or the other. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Karina2801 said:

He’s in his late 20’s and it’s only been a few months. I thought by having someone positive in his life who doesn’t do those things he could see that there’s more to life. 

Well then if nothing else, you learned something.   That being, do NOT get romantically involved with someone you KNOW is an addict, whether they're an alcoholic, drug addict or sex addict or any other type of addict. 

You'll never be able to help him, he will only end up bringing you down to his level so don't do it no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.  Be smarter than that, love yourself more. 

This situation with him possibly having sex with his female friend is just noise, don't bother yourself with it.  

Just wish him well and move on. You can't save him please get that notion out of you head.

Moving forward, take better care of YOU.

[boltnrun]

One of my friends decided to get romantically involved with an addict. She ended up arrested for drug possession because he was carrying when she got pulled over. She lost her job as a child care worker at a preschool and had to drop out of college as the job was a primary requirement to get her ECE degree. She ended up using as well and almost lost custody of their two children.

You can lose everything if you choose to stay in this relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Karina2801 said:

 it’s very painful to think that someone you care about is doing that. 

Please reflect on this. It's inappropriate to want to fix someone and be their enabler. People are not projects. His relationship is with drugs and alcohol, everyone else is just a pawn. 

If he wanted help or sobriety there are a multitude of support groups and rehabilitation centers. 

Please get some support and insight for yourself, see if this helps:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[Lambert]

You can't be a positive influence enough to stop an addiction.

Addiction is not something that turns on and off. It's a lifetime battle not to be taken lightly.

You gave it a go, and now you see he's not a good boyfriend. The drinking or cheating alone would be deal breakers. together, what's more than a deal breaker? a lesson. run from this guy.

Raise your standards. Only date good, respectable guys that treat you well and consider your feelings, how things "look" because they are not willing to risk losing you.  

An addict will never give you that.  they will lie and steal from their own grandma.

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Lambert said:

they will lie and steal from their own grandma.

This is 100% true.

I know an addict who was brought in as a partner in his father's extremely successful business. This guy was given $10,000 every month tax free, direct deposited into his bank account. And he was perpetually broke and resorted to pawning his belongings because he'd spent every penny of that money on drugs for himself and his addict girlfriend. He stole from me when he had gotten arrested and, in a misguided attempt to "help", I paid his bail and he didn't show up to his court date. I forfeited $1,000 and only by appealing to his father did I get my money back. He got arrested again and I did NOT bail him out. He ended up getting kicked out of the business when he stole his father's yacht and sold it for drugs. He's now destitute and miserable. And still an active addict.

Finding used condoms should be the least of your worries, however I strongly recommend getting STD tested. You have no idea what he may have exposed you to.

[TacticalLinguine]

9 hours ago, Karina2801 said:

You’re completely right. I’ve never dealt with this ever, and it’s very painful to think that someone you care about is doing that. It’s sad because almost all his friends and family are doing one or the other. 

I am sorry. I’m a former addict myself, and this condom thing aside, get out now 😞

[Karina2801]

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 hours ago, Karina2801 said:

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

And?  So? 

Have you read our posts?   Are you going to walk away? 

Him having sex with another girl, the condom issue is just meaningless noise, it's irrelevant.

What IS relevant is that he's an addict and addicts LIE, all the time.  And have the ability to destroy everything and everyone in their path.  

Fwiw, I think you are being foolish and I have to believe a bit self-destructive yourself if you choose to stay.  

Like attracts like.  We are who we attract.   

I'm sorry I'm not judging, I did same myself and in retrospect at the time, I was self-destructive.

I covered my ears and eyes so wouldn't have to hear or see what was right in front of my face -  that my boyfriend and eventually my fiancé was a full blown addict (alcohol and drugs)

It nearly destroyed me emotionally. I'd hate to see that happen to you. 

[Jaunty]

On 10/28/2023 at 6:20 PM, Karina2801 said:

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

The only positive so far is that evidently he's using condoms when he's having sex with other women.

Which he certainly is doing.   This seems to be an important boundary for you so please take heed and move on ... though even without the blatant cheating and lying, you NEED to break ties with a practicing addict / alcoholic, unless you want your life to be a terrible mess. You've only been dating a short while.    There will be nothing good in it for you, I guarantee it.

[catfeeder]

On 10/28/2023 at 9:20 PM, Karina2801 said:

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

You found it in a new trash bag. 

[MissCanuck]

On 10/29/2023 at 2:20 AM, Karina2801 said:

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

Are you gullible enough to believe that? 

[MrMan1983]

Sorry but how is this even a decision, and how are you torn. GET RID. Why would he just so happen to have smelly periodish jonnies in his bin, why did he even leave them there so carelessly he's not even trying hard to cover his tracks. Also what's with the getting in a relationship with an addict to help them, setting yourself up for a hard time from the beginning.

[boltnrun]

On 10/27/2023 at 10:10 AM, Karina2801 said:

The next day I found a condom in his trash (new trash bag)

 

On 10/28/2023 at 6:20 PM, Karina2801 said:

I asked him about the condom and he said it was from us from a month ago. That it probably stayed at the bottom of the garbage. How he wouldn’t cheat. 

Did you have period sex with him a month ago?

You know his excuse is BS.

Do you, for some reason, really, REALLY want to "keep" this guy?