This silence/limbo period isn’t helping me move on. Any advice on how to heal?

[WintersDay]

I was SUCH a happy, easy going, chilled, secure person. I’m just completely broken. 
 

The girl I was has gone, and I just don’t know how to get her back. 😢

[boltnrun]

He likely won't meet with you because he knows in your present state of mind you'll see it as a sign of hope that you two will reconcile. He probably thinks you'll cry, perhaps beg, perhaps promise to do anything, anything at all he wants, if he'd only give you another chance. And he doesn't want to go through that.

Unfortunately, many people don't get a full explanation of why someone chooses not to be in a relationship with them anymore. We just have to accept their decision whether or not we agree with it. 

If you find yourself unable to function, there's nothing wrong with talking to a therapist. There are many online services you can use that are lower cost than a traditional office visit. 

[WintersDay]

I know 😞 I’m having a hard time letting go of the hope that he’s going to find single life not all it’s cracked up to be and want to come back. 
 

What’s also upsetting is I know how pathetic this all seems. I just don’t seem to have the tools within me to be able to turn it off and I really don’t want to feel like this. It’s honestly not who I am. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, WintersDay said:

I know 😞 I’m having a hard time letting go of the hope that he’s going to find single life not all it’s cracked up to be and want to come back. 

Please don't even think of being with someone who comes back because he is not enjoying "single life" - why in the world would that be your standard?

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, WintersDay said:

Thankyou all. I’m just struggling to let go of how my best friend in the entire world could flip flop and hurt me like this? 

How can someone turn SO cold and have no concern whatsoever to even communicate they weren’t happy? I just find it all so cowardly and selfish. It’s like he’s a person I don’t even recognise? 

Perfectly natural and reasonable questions. I’m a believer in filling in blanks with answers that I choose to adopt because they serve my own best interests. So in your case, given your empathic nature, along with your experience with patients under extreme life-altering stressors, you are well qualified to connect some dots.

Think of the people under your care who were once loving and generous personalities whose reaction to extreme stress was to withdraw from society and loved ones in a way that their families describe as a complete opposite of their true disposition?

How much research have you explored about the nature of trauma impacts on personality? We as observers don’t have a measuring device for this kind of tipping point in people. We only know that every individual’s reaction to stress is unique and unpredictable.

This is where your professional brain can integrate with your empathic mind, where you can connect this stress wildcard with the behavior of your loved one. You can intuit that a stress response can often be one of impotence and a blanket reaction against all intimacy that wipes out all reliance on anyone’s prior expectations.

So this becomes less personal toward you, and more about recognizing imagined ‘self’ preservation when you see it. The hostility that has followed is just an extension of that imagined self preservation. It’s like someone who doesn’t know how to set a reasonable boundary attempting to defend whatever boundary they’ve decided to set—with hyper-vigilance.

If you can approach ex’s hyper-vigilance with an empathic lens that’s informed by your professional lens, you may be able to depersonalize this and allow yourself to let go of at least some degree of your injury.

I hope none of this sounds like I’m implying that you ‘should’ be able to pull this off, because you are just as human as he is—and he’s not your patient, he’s been your partner for years, and you are as entitled to your grief as he is. I only hope to offer an angle that might benefit you in working through your pain. My heart goes out to you.

[WintersDay]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't even think of being with someone who comes back because he is not enjoying "single life" - why in the world would that be your standard?

I guess what I meant to say is if he ever comes to the realisation of Oh my god, I’ve made a massive mistake 

I know that isn’t a healthy thing to think at all 

 

[WintersDay]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Perfectly natural and reasonable questions. I’m a believer in filling in blanks with answers that I choose to adopt because they serve my own best interests. So in your case, given your empathic nature, along with your experience with patients under extreme life-altering stressors, you are well qualified to connect some dots.

Think of the people under your care who were once loving and generous personalities whose reaction to extreme stress was to withdraw from society and loved ones in a way that their families describe as a complete opposite of their true disposition?

How much research have you explored about the nature of trauma impacts on personality? We as observers don’t have a measuring device for this kind of tipping point in people. We only know that every individual’s reaction to stress is unique and unpredictable.

This is where your professional brain can integrate with your empathic mind, where you can connect this stress wildcard with the behavior of your loved one. You can intuit that a stress response can often be one of impotence and a blanket reaction against all intimacy that wipes out all reliance on anyone’s prior expectations.

So this becomes less personal toward you, and more about recognizing imagined ‘self’ preservation when you see it. The hostility that has followed is just an extension of that imagined self preservation. It’s like someone who doesn’t know how to set a reasonable boundary attempting to defend whatever boundary they’ve decided to set—with hyper-vigilance.

If you can approach ex’s hyper-vigilance with an empathic lens that’s informed by your professional lens, you may be able to depersonalize this and allow yourself to let go of at least some degree of your injury.

I hope none of this sounds like I’m implying that you ‘should’ be able to pull this off, because you are just as human as he is—and he’s not your patient, he’s been your partner for years, and you are as entitled to your grief as he is. I only hope to offer an angle that might benefit you in working through your pain. My heart goes out to you.

Wow. Thankyou. That is indeed a far healthier way of looking at things for me. I’m going to cut and paste that and save it as a message I can look at whenever I’m having a real down day. 
 

Some of it could indeed be true. He said to me that he isn’t stressed and hasn’t been experiencing anxiety at work now we had broken up…..absolute BS 

[catfeeder]

18 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

I guess what I meant to say is if he ever comes to the realisation of Oh my god, I’ve made a massive mistake 

I know that isn’t a healthy thing to think at all 

 

It’s a reasonable hope. it just doesn’t credit your ex with the ability to catch up with you as you move forward.

So the hope is out of balance. It assigns him an ability to reach a place of reflection, even while it keeps you stagnant, back in a frozen place, waiting for that to occur.

What if BOTH exes need to move forward to higher ground in order for a new meeting point to occur?

[catfeeder]

16 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

…He said to me that he isn’t stressed and hasn’t been experiencing anxiety at work now we had broken up…..absolute BS 

Of course. He’s trying to move you forward, beyond a place of pulling him back.

Try reframing that. He’s saying, “If you can let go and be healthy, that liberates me to do the same… so I’m going to tell you that I’m there already.”

Consider his ability to move forward a potential contributor to his ability to reflect. So it’s to your advantage for him to go there.

Thats’s exactly why you can’t stagnate, either. He’s not going to reach backwards.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It’s a reasonable hope. it just doesn’t credit your ex with the ability to catch up with you as you move forward.

So the hope is out of balance. It assigns him an ability to reach a place of reflection, even while it keeps you stagnant, back in a frozen place, waiting for that to occur.

What if BOTH exes need to move forward to higher ground in order for a new meeting point to occur?

If it resonates - I did want my ex fiancé back within a month of cancelling the wedding. I missed him a lot !! Thought I’d made a mistake. He said no. He said it would be lovely and romantic - short term - but then we’d face the same issues - my doubts about marrying him etc. 

When we did reconcile almost 8 years later I knew I hadn’t made a mistake ending it the first time. We weren’t right for each other at that time. We both changed over the years in ways that ended up making us make perfect sense and making him my person and me his person. It would have been a mistake to try again back then and I bet if it had ended again we’d never have reconciled. Which would have been a real shame. 
We had very limited contact when we were apart. We never spoke of how we were doing apart from each other. What would have been the point? Why are you going there with your ex ? Or letting him comment on how he’s doing without you ??

[boltnrun]

You wouldn't want him to return to you only because he's in a bad place mentally or emotionally...would you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, WintersDay said:

. He said to me that he isn’t stressed and hasn’t been experiencing anxiety at work now we had broken up…..absolute BS 

Please delete and block him. He seems to want to push you away. This statement has some truth to it otherwise he wouldn't have broken up. 

If someone thinks of you as a "stressor", walk away. You'll feel better once you try to put things behind you rather than reminisce about the good times. 

[MissCanuck]

On 10/26/2023 at 10:04 PM, WintersDay said:

being on terms to keep friendly contact/help each other through life.

Will you really want to help him through life when he eventually starts dating someone else? 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, WintersDay said:

I see him often in our work building unfortunately and he’s been storming past me and it’s been making me feel dreadful hence me reaching out to him just this last week to meet up just to make some sort of peace to make things feel better. He’s said no and I don’t understand why.  

Please move past this idea that you can "make peace" and somehow force a friendship with this man.  

I have to guess that his animosity towards you is specifically because he does not want to see you or talk to you but you keep showing up.   

Also,  and I'm sorry about this, too, but "why" he feels the way he does is not your business.  So you contacting him, popping up in his path at your workplace, etc. is just fueling his negative feelings.  

I completely understand how badly you are feeling, as I have been through a devastating breakup in my life.   But please stop indulging in your daydreams that HE is the key to you starting to feel better.  

Moving away from your attachment to him is the way to that goal.  

You've got some really excellent advice here on how to do that.  

It takes what it takes, but you will achieve it.

[Cherylyn]

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  estrangement is estrangement no matter what.  Feelings are same.  It's difficult to move on as they say.  What helped me to prevent myself from being fixated on the person who rejected me and / or if we are currently in no contact mode,  is to get on with my own life.  Apparently that person doesn't think I'm worthy so I should return the favor by doing likewise.  I've since become very industrious,  productive and work hard whatever endeavors whether it be at work,  my fitness,  getting healthy,  surrounding myself with very moral immediate family and friends.  I do what I enjoy whether it's hobbies,  cooking,  outings,  reading my library books (not e-books),  real paper newspaper subscriptions,  catching up on watching some movies or documentaries and the choices are truly limitless. 

Work on you.  Ruminating is easy to do.  I no longer give that person my brain space which he or she does not deserve.  You'll never forget the person who wronged you.  However,  you can do the best you can by living your best life.  Start anew with a clean,  fresh slate.  Do a reset and re-program your brain and your life.  Make daily or weekly plans and stick to it.  Put yourself on a schedule.  You will be pleasantly surprised to discover how much you will enjoy life without people you don't treat you with respect.  This is how it is in life.  You learn to readjust and adapt during various stages of your life. 

Create your own healthy boundaries.  Get busy.  Preoccupy yourself and you'll realize insignificant people in your life will become merely a blur and eventually nonexistent. 

When you pass each other,  ignore him.  Don't look at him.  Go your own way.  Stay strong and most of all,  be tough. 

[WintersDay]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If it resonates - I did want my ex fiancé back within a month of cancelling the wedding. I missed him a lot !! Thought I’d made a mistake. He said no. He said it would be lovely and romantic - short term - but then we’d face the same issues - my doubts about marrying him etc. 

When we did reconcile almost 8 years later I knew I hadn’t made a mistake ending it the first time. We weren’t right for each other at that time. We both changed over the years in ways that ended up making us make perfect sense and making him my person and me his person. It would have been a mistake to try again back then and I bet if it had ended again we’d never have reconciled. Which would have been a real shame. 
We had very limited contact when we were apart. We never spoke of how we were doing apart from each other. What would have been the point? Why are you going there with your ex ? Or letting him comment on how he’s doing without you ??

I think I had read your story in the getting back together thread that I read through in its entirety about three weeks back when I was feeling particularly in need of some hope. 
 

Yours is a fabulous story (although I realise it’s very rare) 

It does hammer home though that in his present state I would NOT want him back.

Someone said something to me today which I think helps me look at it slightly differently……instead of focussing every bit of energy on him try and look at this present in time as your ‘new normal’ 

new normal seems an entirely more positive place to be than stuck and heartbroken so I’m going to keep repeating that mantra to myself 

[WintersDay]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  estrangement is estrangement no matter what.  Feelings are same.  It's difficult to move on as they say.  What helped me to prevent myself from being fixated on the person who rejected me and / or if we are currently in no contact mode,  is to get on with my own life.  Apparently that person doesn't think I'm worthy so I should return the favor by doing likewise.  I've since become very industrious,  productive and work hard whatever endeavors whether it be at work,  my fitness,  getting healthy,  surrounding myself with very moral immediate family and friends.  I do what I enjoy whether it's hobbies,  cooking,  outings,  reading my library books (not e-books),  real paper newspaper subscriptions,  catching up on watching some movies or documentaries and the choices are truly limitless. 

Work on you.  Ruminating is easy to do.  I no longer give that person my brain space which he or she does not deserve.  You'll never forget the person who wronged you.  However,  you can do the best you can by living your best life.  Start anew with a clean,  fresh slate.  Do a reset and re-program your brain and your life.  Make daily or weekly plans and stick to it.  Put yourself on a schedule.  You will be pleasantly surprised to discover how much you will enjoy life without people you don't treat you with respect.  This is how it is in life.  You learn to readjust and adapt during various stages of your life. 

Create your own healthy boundaries.  Get busy.  Preoccupy yourself and you'll realize insignificant people in your life will become merely a blur and eventually nonexistent. 

When you pass each other,  ignore him.  Don't look at him.  Go your own way.  Stay strong and most of all,  be tough. 

Thankyou. Lots of good advice here and honestly, I really am trying to do all those things - work, study, go out with friends, delete everything etc……I find myself doing them but I’m only there physically and not mentally. 
 

I guess, it’s better than the start of the breakup when I couldn’t even leave the house for fear of a panic attack for the first time in my adult life?  Perhaps even being able to do all these tasks should be celebrated more and hopefully the background ‘noise’ of my ex will start to fade. That’s what I hope for anyway 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

I think I had read your story in the getting back together thread that I read through in its entirety about three weeks back when I was feeling particularly in need of some hope. 
 

Yours is a fabulous story (although I realise it’s very rare) 

It does hammer home though that in his present state I would NOT want him back.

Someone said something to me today which I think helps me look at it slightly differently……instead of focussing every bit of energy on him try and look at this present in time as your ‘new normal’ 

new normal seems an entirely more positive place to be than stuck and heartbroken so I’m going to keep repeating that mantra to myself 

I do like new normal. I went through that in Covid. My husband was an excellent person and person of character and integrity when we broke up. He didn’t have to change in that sense at all. I’m glad he didn’t.  I think if I’d wanted that sort of change it would have been hard to trust that sort of “change “.  We didn’t mesh chemistry -wise or romantically back then.
 

When he later pursued his dream career and matured - his increased confidence and - honestly - more experience in serious relationships- - was the thing I needed to click in every way. He also was less shy and introverted. I just sensed from the first time  we met to catch up the huge difference.  
 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, WintersDay said:

Thankyou. Lots of good advice here and honestly, I really am trying to do all those things - work, study, go out with friends, delete everything etc……I find myself doing them but I’m only there physically and not mentally. 
 

I guess, it’s better than the start of the breakup when I couldn’t even leave the house for fear of a panic attack for the first time in my adult life?  Perhaps even being able to do all these tasks should be celebrated more and hopefully the background ‘noise’ of my ex will start to fade. That’s what I hope for anyway 

Anytime,  @WintersDay.  Immerse yourself in all you do.  Gradually and eventually,  he'll become merely a blur and fade away from your brain space.

Should your paths cross with him,  deliberately ignore him and do NOT look at him.  Dial up the frost and ice.  Remain strong and be very tough.  This is how you build your self esteem and self confidence which transforms into courage and bravery.  You can do this. 

Concentrate and stay focused on what matters which is work,  study,  surrounding yourself with very moral people and yes,  I agree,  delete / block him everywhere.  He will become out of sight,  out of mind for you.  Make drastic changes and he will be wiped off the map. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/26/2023 at 6:23 PM, WintersDay said:

 Fairly recently all I had was stress piled on to me about work, family, property sales and I just sat and took it like a punching bag trying to listen and be supportive. , it makes me feel worse he couldn’t speak to me 

If you were listening to all his stress "like a punching bag", he was speaking to you. Agree with your theory that if he was this stressed out with family and work, you were the most dispensable factor contributing to his stress with pressure to move, get married and start a family. 

[WintersDay]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you were listening to all his stress "like a punching bag", he was speaking to you. Agree with your theory that if he was this stressed out with family and work, you were the most dispensable factor contributing to his stress with pressure to move, get married and start a family. 

I guess what I meant by speaking to me is that he communicated nothing about ‘us’ being a problem whatsoever - I think this has what has made things really hard, I was under the impression it was all work, family health problems etc because that’s all he spoke of 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, WintersDay said:

I guess what I meant by speaking to me is that he communicated nothing about ‘us’ being a problem whatsoever - I think this has what has made things really hard, I was under the impression it was all work, family health problems etc because that’s all he spoke of 

Maybe he didn't know either -until he did.  

[WintersDay]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe he didn't know either -until he did.  

That’s the sad thing. Literally all our friends, family etc are shocked and confused over this. No one saw it coming, least of all me. 
 

It’s the feeling powerless to be able to try and put things right that I’m struggling with. I feel there is literally nothing I can do? 
 

I still love him. That hurts. I hope he’s made the right decision for himself. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

That’s the sad thing. Literally all our friends, family etc are shocked and confused over this. No one saw it coming, least of all me. 
 

It’s the feeling powerless to be able to try and put things right that I’m struggling with. I feel there is literally nothing I can do? 
 

I still love him. That hurts. I hope he’s made the right decision for himself. 

Of course they are.  That's typical if things "seem" good on the outside.  I was shocked earlier this year by my friend's divorce, our friends and family were shocked when we cancelled our first wedding.  

You're full of power.  You have the power now to be an empath to yourself.  You have the power to choose to take a baby step today forward.  You have the power to feel all your feelings and then act in a healthful way.  Why "hope" anything about his choice - the powerful part is -you have zero responsibility for his choices now and tell yourself -his choices going forward are none of your business and he is no longer someone you know well -you know him well but primarily as your SO - now he is not your SO so his choices might reflect that and whether you think they are right or understandable is irrelevant.  

Let's say he made a TERRIBLE decision letting you go.  It's called -life - you're not his mama, his therapist, his girlfriend - making a bad decision of this sort means -worst case scenario -he'll regret it, he'll miss you, he'll feel disoriented, confused, out of sorts.  OK -sorry that's life -that's part of the boo boos of life. 

Consequences -he doesn't get to be with the love of his life.  Everyone else will pale in comparison so he may choose to be on his own.  So? He may choose to wallow and feel sorry for himself or he may choose not to participate in romantic relationships anymore cause he broke his heart - no one is required to.  Maybe he'll build a perfectly fine life without a romantic partner. Many do.  But powerfully put -it's none of your business so you are full of power to close that door - let him do him and you do you.  Without musing over whether he's made a terrible mistake.

I'd stop chatting with the well meaning friends and family wringing their hands with the "can't believe it!!!"  It takes away your power to move on.  It's not empathic to yourself to listen to it at all and especially not more than once.

It's very very powerful to act in your own best interests in the face of "shoulds."  I have a really annoying should event tomorrow evening and my default is always this selfless "oh oh I HAVE to go to this thing for my family/child even though it's a 3 hour block of time plus getting dolled up and the hassle of traveling there."  For once I am taking back the power -I am going to cancel and focus on my well being, mental health and physical and stop this darn Supermom garbage when I'm fried and exhausted from so many things including solo parenting, sleep deprivation, and now, work. 

Stop the "struggle" -there is no struggle when you show you're an empath for yourself.  When the right thing to do about another person is .... nothing either because that other person is now not in your life in any important way anymore or because they are but you have to put on your oxygen mask first.  Stop puffing away on the treadmill to nowhere with all this focus on your 'hope" about his choice to end things with you.  And your illusion that somehow you should have the power to change his mind because you still love him.  Feel the feelings and get off that darn treadmill.  Put on your oxygen mask.

[Lambert]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have a really annoying should event tomorrow evening and my default is always this selfless "oh oh I HAVE to go to this thing for my family/child even though it's a 3 hour block of time plus getting dolled up and the hassle of traveling there."  For once I am taking back the power -I am going to cancel and focus on my well being, mental health and physical and stop this darn Supermom garbage

good for you @Batya33

I'm with you.  I'm no longer doing the "shoulds" that don't work for me. 

@WintersDay in reading this thread, it stands out to me that you seem to think you should be doing better than you are. 

Like everybody I've been through some brutally harsh break ups... lovers, friends, family. it hurts all the way around- rejection and or being let down hurts. 

did you watch the sex and city reboot this season (season 2)? there is a line one the characters, going through a break up says, "I'm not who I used to be and who I am next hasn't shown up yet"

I think that is such a great line about new normals. Try to ride it out... be in the moment.