This silence/limbo period isn’t helping me move on. Any advice on how to heal?

[boltnrun]

Talking to his family and friends about him is part of what is keeping you stuck.  Plus, I guarantee, absolutely GUARANTEE, they are telling him you're talking to them about him and telling him what you are saying.  Yes, they are.  No wonder he's giving you hard looks when you seek him out at work.

Please don't be your own worst enemy.  You're hurting enough without hurting yourself.

No, you can't "do anything" to make him want to reconcile.  When you get to accepting that he makes his own choices without influence from you it's actually empowering. 

You have control over what you choose to do.  HE can't influence that.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

good for you @Batya33

I'm with you.  I'm no longer doing the "shoulds" that don't work for me. 

@WintersDay in reading this thread, it stands out to me that you seem to think you should be doing better than you are. 

Like everybody I've been through some brutally harsh break ups... lovers, friends, family. it hurts all the way around- rejection and or being let down hurts. 

did you watch the sex and city reboot this season (season 2)? there is a line one the characters, going through a break up says, "I'm not who I used to be and who I am next hasn't shown up yet"

I think that is such a great line about new normals. Try to ride it out... be in the moment. 

 

My point to the OP is she’s telling herself stories about how she “should “ be able to do what it takes to get him back and she should be a person given her empathic qualities who can do what it takes. But she has to IMO get real with what she can and cannot do. Even if others are telling her how it should be and how perfect they were. I’m told stories like this all the time and I was when I was single. My example was I had to get real with myself. Not listen to the pressure of “oh well you should be there as a parent who is involved in her child’s school “. Seems to me she told herself if she listened and listened and listened to all of his stresses - that this was her role as his partner - she’d be rewarded with his love and caring.  She meant well.

 

And I have to wonder whether she tells herself since she in such a caring profession (and thanks so very much for all you do!!) it’s her role in her personal life to be a constant one sided sounding board. The perfect girlfriend. To an extent where she sees herself as an empath but forgets to check in with herself and make sure she’s not presenting herself as too available.  

 

Where he loses that za za zoom because the relationship is one sided. Too much of the time. He vents and emotes and she listens.

 

And all of a sudden he leaves. And blindsides her. But maybe if she’d told herself I matter. I’m done being this one sided in my relationship. I care so much but I have to show him I’m not his mama or his therapist.

 

And having boundaries shows the other person you respect yourself too.  If the person needs even more he can go to therapy or spread the burden of his neediness to other close friends.  I feel like she has these “shoulds “ that approach martyrdom.  

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, WintersDay said:

I guess what I meant by speaking to me is that he communicated nothing about ‘us’ being a problem whatsoever - I think this has what has made things really hard, I was under the impression it was all work, family health problems etc because that’s all he spoke of 

And those are a lot of stressors. So he may have been so overwhelmed that he couldn’t handle an audience to see him fail. Or one more person who had expectations of him.

We can speculate all day about how a partner ‘should’ behave, but those are ‘shoulds’ that he apparently doesn’t have the bandwidth to discuss.

So when you ask us to confirm that there’s nothing you can do, the answer is, “Not for him.” But you CAN project yourself into a future state where your own life is fulfilling beyond him, and that can be your goal. This would be the best way to position yourself to handle him if he ever does reach out to you.

[Jaunty]

14 hours ago, WintersDay said:

It’s the feeling powerless to be able to try and put things right that I’m struggling with. I feel there is literally nothing I can do? 
 

Correct.  There is literally nothing you can do.  Because, he does not want to be in the relationship anymore.   He's been very clear, to the point of cruelty.  

Please stop the self talk about your love for him, and stop talking about it with your family and friends.  At this point it's like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking choosing to hang out in bars.   

The way you will get through this is in large part going to be by way of creating emotional distance within YOURSELF.   

[Guest]

How are you doing, @WintersDay?  I’m just going through a breakup myself and reading various threads in the forum. Yours struck me, but I notice it’s been two months since a post. How are you feeling now? I really hope you’re feeling better than you were when you started this thread. 

Sending my best wishes to you.