This silence/limbo period isn’t helping me move on. Any advice on how to heal?

[WintersDay]

Hope someone has some words of wisdom to help - I’m really struggling! 
 

My bf ended our 4 year relationship about 3 months ago now. We’re in a late 30’s/early 40’s and I was blindsided with a ‘things have changed’ breakup. I was utterly head over heels until this moment and he never communicated that there were any problems. 
 

He was stone cold, wouldn’t talk and like a complete stranger and has been that way ever since. We pass each other occasionally and I’m met with a sour face and a glare. After all this time I reached out via email just to see if we could meet for coffee and make peace. He wants more space and time. 
 

In my heart of hearts I still don’t know what has happened, am utterly heartbroken and I hate this feeling of animosity. It follows me around like a dark cloud. 
 

truthfully honest - deep down, I want to go home, I want to sort things out but he isn’t reciprocating nor does he want to even be friendly to say meet for a coffee or beer from time to time. This is the bit I’m stuck on.  It’s making me struggle to move on in terms of both my emotions or being able to open myself up to meeting others with this horrible feeling of conflict following me around. It’s not who I am as a person and it’s making it really hard to let go - hopefully that makes sense to some of you? 

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

I want to sort things out but he isn’t reciprocating nor does he want to even be friendly to say meet for a coffee or beer from time to time. This is the bit I’m stuck on.  It’s making me struggle to move on

Meeting up with him from time to time would not help you move forward, though. It would make it that much harder to move on because it would sting each time you saw him and still turn around and part ways after. It would nurture the false hopes we tend to have after someone breaks up with us. 

I understand why feeling the sudden coldness from him is painful. I am sure it's very different from the man you thought you knew. I wonder if some it stems from not wanting to lead you on, as I am getting the sense you've struggled to accept his choice and have been asking to see or speak to him. Correct me if I am wrong on that, though. 

 

[WintersDay]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Meeting up with him from time to time would not help you move forward, though. It would make it that much harder to move on because it would sting each time you saw him and still turn around and part ways after. It would nurture the false hopes we tend to have after someone breaks up with us. 

I understand why feeling the sudden coldness from him is painful. I am sure it's very different from the man you thought you knew. I wonder if some it stems from not wanting to lead you on, as I am getting the sense you've struggled to accept his choice and have been asking to see or speak to him. Correct me if I am wrong on that, though. 

 

hmmmm…..I guess the only way I can describe it is: I hate that we’re in a place where we have fallen out. 

I almost feel like I’m in an equilibrium between sorting things or being on terms to keep friendly contact/help each other through life.

This dark silent abyss at the moment is unbearable.

I wonder wether some of this stems from the fact he wouldn’t open up that he wasn’t happy/we had problems and I had no idea.  

Im an empath by nature so I guess that’s why this situation is hurting me hard. It’s finding my way through this part, whatever the outcome, is what I want to move on from. I just feel ‘stuck’ 
 

 

[boltnrun]

Keeping "friendly contact" won't help you move forward because you don't want to be friends, you want to reconcile.

I'm sure you think "but I'd rather be friends than nothing!" And my answer to that is, if he did agree to meet up every so often and then started bringing a new girlfriend along, would that hurt? Make you feel jealous? Or rejected yet again? If so, you are not able to "be friends".

What you're feeling is normal. But you are prolonging the pain by contacting him and asking to see him. Even though it seems awful and unnatural, the best thing to do is cut off contact. If you can't bear the thought of cutting off permanently, just tell yourself it will be for two months and then you'll revisit the idea.  I bet in two months you will feel differently. And better.

[WintersDay]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Keeping "friendly contact" won't help you move forward because you don't want to be friends, you want to reconcile.

I'm sure you think "but I'd rather be friends than nothing!" And my answer to that is, if he did agree to meet up every so often and then started bringing a new girlfriend along, would that hurt? Make you feel jealous? Or rejected yet again? If so, you are not able to "be friends".

What you're feeling is normal. But you are prolonging the pain by contacting him and asking to see him. Even though it seems awful and unnatural, the best thing to do is cut off contact. If you can't bear the thought of cutting off permanently, just tell yourself it will be for two months and then you'll revisit the idea.  I bet in two months you will feel differently. And better.

Thankyou for your kind and considered reply. It frightens me that at 38 years old literally no one has ever lit me up and sparked my interest like he has despite me having many other LTRs…..(his previous longest to me is 18 months so really that should have been a red flag) 

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop the constant thinking/rumination of what’s happened, how to fix it etc? 
 

I am literally throwing myself into friends, family, hobbies, study (I’m an older postgrad) but even with all that going on, and I should be SO grateful, it’s rumbling away constantly in the background. I’m scared that feeling like this is blocking me from moving on but I don’t know how to stop it

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

we were struggling to sell the flat that he owned so that we could move out of rented to buy our own place, we’ve both had sick parents…he offered me ‘friendship’ and I’ll be totally honest I send a really ***ty reply back saying that it was naive of him to think I could go down that route. He then blocked me. 

It seems like you are doing all you can to try to move forward. However he blocked you when you suggested being friends was naive. 

Was there a definitive breakup or did he ask you to move out so he could care for his parent in the apartment?  You stated he has never been married and was against marriage and this caused some conflicts.

  Even though it hurts and his method of ending it was by asking you to stay with your mother, overall you dodged a bullet. 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop the constant thinking/rumination of what’s happened, how to fix it etc? 

Yes. End all contact. Stop trying to get him to agree to see you. Don't look at his social media. Don't look at old photos or reread old messages from him. Don't wear one of his shirts to bed (yes, I know people who have done that!) Don't have any communication with his family, no matter how much they may have "loved" you.

And keeping busy is a great idea.

Also, don't beat yourself up. If he crosses your mind, just accept the thought, give yourself permission to feel sad for a bit, then say (aloud if necessary) "OK, that's enough. Time to do something else", then do something that requires you to really focus. 

You'll be fine in time. 

[WintersDay]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you are doing all you can to try to move forward. However he blocked you when you suggested being friends was naive. 

Was there a definitive breakup or did he ask you to move out so he could care for his parent in the apartment?  You stated he has never been married and was against marriage and this caused some conflicts.

  Even though it hurts and his method of ending it was by asking you to stay with your mother, overall you dodged a bullet. 

Appreciate you’ve looked a bit further into the back story…it’s a little complicated. And Thankyou for being gentle. Tough love isn’t working from friends and believe me when I say I WISH I could feel angry or pee’d off over this - it would help immensely. 
 

There was no definitive breakup in those last two weeks. His dad came back to our flat. I wasn’t allowed there during that time as everything was ‘too stressful’ and conveniently I had space to stay with my mother to look after her…….I spent those two weeks feeling utterly confused and had anxiety rising the entire time - I can honestly say this is NOT who I am. It was a very disorientating place to be in and the behaviour from him (to me) seemed out of character and completely irrational….it was only then I called him out properly and got the ‘we need to talk’ convo on the phone. 
 

I feel that every bit of how this was executed has made it so entirely worse. As someone who was very genuinely secure in the relationship it smacks of someone who was making odd decisions. Maybe, maybe not…..all I know is my empath personality is left reeling at sudden personality change and abandonment and I’m struggling to cope 😓

I’m honestly completely over crying about it. I’m just now left in this dark horrible space of feeling abandoned and almost ‘hated’ that I’m struggling to come to terms with that. 

[Jaunty]

I have trouble wrapping my mind around this guy being practically perfect - you had zero signs that anything was wrong - to behaving as if he hates you.  Not even saying "hello," glaring, and projecting animosity are kind of extreme.  

It's probably not helpful for you to try to figure out why he turned on you like this, at this point anyway.  I can only guess that perhaps he was trying to give you "the message" and you weren't getting it, so he felt he needed to really turn on you.   

This happened to someone close to me.  Their partner became exceedingly frustrated because they felt that they were never being "heard" and finally went out on a bike to get a pizza, and came home with a moving van.

After time had passed, and my friend ended up in therapy,  she ultimately found that what she had to work on was actually attending to what was going on with her loved one as opposed to how she preferred to experience their relationship.

One thing is clear:  Friendship or any kind of reconciliation are not on the table between the two of you, at least not anywhere in the near future.

 

 

[Andrina]

 How is it that you're bumping into him now and then? Can that be stopped? I know how it can take longer to get over someone you're regularly having to see, even if briefly.

Probably with more time and distance, you will eventually see he was really not the person you assumed, because at least if he had a good heart, he'd be pleasant in passing instead of making you feel worse, with his dirty looks, than you already do.

I know that happened to me when a guy I dated a year broke up with me. At first, I wanted him back because I'd been too close to the situation and thought I loved him, even as he stressed me out so badly I got hives twice during the year because of him. By the time he texted me four months later for who knows what, I didn't even want to speak to him, and realized he did me a favor by breaking up.

I'm glad you have a good support system of friends. Good luck.

 

[WintersDay]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I have trouble wrapping my mind around this guy being practically perfect - you had zero signs that anything was wrong - to behaving as if he hates you.  Not even saying "hello," glaring, and projecting animosity are kind of extreme.  

It's probably not helpful for you to try to figure out why he turned on you like this, at this point anyway.  I can only guess that perhaps he was trying to give you "the message" and you weren't getting it, so he felt he needed to really turn on you.   

This happened to someone close to me.  Their partner became exceedingly frustrated because they felt that they were never being "heard" and finally went out on a bike to get a pizza, and came home with a moving van.

After time had passed, and my friend ended up in therapy,  she ultimately found that what she had to work on was actually attending to what was going on with her loved one as opposed to how she preferred to experience their relationship.

One thing is clear:  Friendship or any kind of reconciliation are not on the table between the two of you, at least not anywhere in the near future.

 

 

I have trouble wrapping my head around  the changes too hence why I think it has messed me up so much. 
 

I had no communication over any of this (concerning any problems in our relationship). Fairly recently all I had was stress piled on to me about work, family, property sales and I just sat and took it like a punching bag trying to listen and be supportive. 
 

I guess I misread everything and became the easiest disposable thing out of those options…..being the person that I am, it makes me feel worse he couldn’t speak to me and I guess that is also what’s exacerbating itself now. I’m a cancer nurse and often have to deliver harsh news every day to people. I guess I’m struggling that courtesy wasn’t extended to me and that as someone who is a ‘calmer’ and a ‘fixer’ it doesn’t leave you in a healthy place to get your heart stomped all over 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're struggling.  Consider how your empath nature will react if you meet for coffee and he starts showing  you pics of his new love interest -when they went apple picking, christmas shopping or to that cute asian fusion place you meant to try? What you're experiencing unfortunately is upsetting and normal- whether empath or not.  I married my ex fiancee -we got back together in our late 30s.  I ended LTRs in my late 30s -it's really hard especially at that age!  Many breakups feel like you describe and I'm sorry.

I implore you not to justify being in touch as "friends" - I wouldn't be married now if I'd done that with my ex fiancee who I ended up marrying many years later or with my on again off again LTR I broke up with in our late 30s -actually we did stay in touch as friends -likely not the best idea.  

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

I guess I misread everything and became the easiest disposable thing out of those options…..being the person that I am, it makes me feel worse he couldn’t speak to me and I guess that is also what’s exacerbating itself now. I’m a cancer nurse and often have to deliver harsh news every day to people. I guess I’m struggling that courtesy wasn’t extended to me and that as someone who is a ‘calmer’ and a ‘fixer’ it doesn’t leave you in a healthy place to get your heart stomped all over 

It's apples and oranges - in your work don't you meet and interact with plenty of people who act differently at work than with their friends/loved ones - don't you see how  your patients interact with you as opposed to family members? It's not about courtesy being extended because you happen to have those roles at work - it sounds like you sort of martyred yourself in the name of being "supportive" to him but he saw you weren't treating yourself very well.  And over time he lost respect?

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Grief isn’t rushable, which you already know, but we also need to be cognizant about what we tell ourselves that can delay or derail the natural stages that we need to work through. Otherwise this can lead to what therapists call ‘complicated grief’.

I’m not suggesting that you’re there, or even necessarily on your way there, only that you sound as though you’re holding open a space for your ex to explain himself to you, and you’re calling this space a limbo—as though it can’t be resolved until he behaves as you wish.

But he isn’t the one holding you in limbo. You’re doing that to yourself.

It’s actually understandable and common. You probably see it a lot in your line of work. It’s denial. When the outcome is so unbelievably bizarre and unacceptable, I think it’s a perfectly human response to not accept it.

This may feel like you’re standing in a doorway holding the door open. Nobody else can talk you into closing the thing, it’s entirely up to you when you will opt to trust that if ex ever wants to open it for himself, he is capable of doing that. He’s already given you permission to close it, and he enforces his desire for you to do that every time he glares at you.

 I’m not one who believes that hope must be the opposite of healing from a breakup. I just believe in using it as a tactical carrot to move forward instead of misusing it to stagnate. One example would be telling myself that nobody who breaks up wants to return to the very same person from whom they’ve escaped. Not even as friends. So the only possible way to have the kind of conversation I’d hope to have someday would be for our paths to cross on higher ground. That can’t happen if I won’t go there on my own.

 I also believe that the best way to shut the door on my old life is to explore new things and people to move TOWARD. The more invested I become in doing that, the less I feel tethered to my concerns with my past. This doesn’t make anything irrelevant, but I’m simply able to view it all from a new perspective that I couldn’t have fathomed until I made the move to that place.

[Lambert]

I don't think it's been enough time to really move on. You're still processing, and it is not easy! 

You're not who you were b4 him, and you're not who you will be after this.  There's a lot of growth between these two people. 

Instead of trying so hard to be his friend, try being a better friend to yourself.  If he doesn't want to be cordial, then stop being cordial.

Maybe he had his reasons for his *** but you don't deserve to be scouled at. Stop giving him kindness and respect. When someone shows you the door, you don't look back. 

I get it.  That's not you or the person you want to be.  but just stopping is not being a bad person. It's respecting their choices.

Just stop. Focus on yourself.  Don't worry about meeting anyone or getting out there.  You are very hurt right now and have some work to do on yourself and your life. 

Think about it. When you're healed and happy do you want to date a guy that just ended something? 

Lean on your friends and family.  Get busy with work.  Start something new.  Take naps and just look after yourself.  

Hang in there. It is hard.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others and the forward trajectory -be an empath.... to yourself!!

[WintersDay]

Thankyou all. I’m just struggling to let go of how my best friend in the entire world could flip flop and hurt me like this? 

How can someone turn SO cold and have no concern whatsoever to even communicate they weren’t happy? I just find it all so cowardly and selfish. It’s like he’s a person I don’t even recognise? 
 

It’s funny - I remember us playing a game of Mr and Mrs with a bunch of our long time married friends and we literally won every single round and could finish each others sentences…that to me is SO rare and I truly believe he’s going to struggle finding someone else like that. He’s thrown away something so good in the midst of stress. I wonder if this is going to be a recurring pattern for him. 
 

If he’s not coming back then I just wish I could get this feeling of abandonment and hurt out of my head. Keeping busy isn’t really helping. Is it just simply all down to time? 
 

I have wondered wether therapy may be helpful but it’s expensive and I’m not really sure how it all works. I’ve talked through it all with friends and family, I’m not sure how with someone else it will help? 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, WintersDay said:

I’ve talked through it all with friends and family,

You never answered why you've regularly seen him over these 4 months, so I'll assume you chose to do this. Seeing someone and regularly speaking about them to friends and family is keeping him very much front and center in your present life. 

It was the first stage of the process, but that's a stage that now needs to end. To get to that stage, I'd stop talking about him to friends and stop seeing him in person.

So in his twenty-plus years of dating, you say his longest relationship besides you was 18 months, so clearly he doesn't care enough about anybody to put in the effort it takes for a long term relationship. He didn't care enough to ask for fixes to what he saw as problems, or maybe he didn't have any problem with you except that you expected forever and he didn't.

Yes, you've had the rug pulled out from under you, so you're of course feeling bad. But it's now time to stop wallowing and spin a new reel in your mind: It's good he showed his true self before I wasted any more time on him. I'm now free to eventually find a better partner for me when the time is right.

[boltnrun]

Are you continuing to contact him? Are you engineering situations where you'll run into him? Are you still trying to get him to see you? Are you looking at his social media, looking at photos and/or rereading messages he sent you? Are you continually discussing him with your friends and family? Are you asking his family and/or friends about him?

How is it that you run into him? Are you seeking him out, deliberately going places you know he'll be?

A therapist doesn't just listen. They give you tools and recommendations on how to get yourself to an emotionally healthy place.  Does your insurance cover therapy?

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, WintersDay said:

Thankyou all. I’m just struggling to let go of how my best friend in the entire world could flip flop and hurt me like this? 

How can someone turn SO cold and have no concern whatsoever to even communicate they weren’t happy? I just find it all so cowardly and selfish. It’s like he’s a person I don’t even recognise? 
 

It’s funny - I remember us playing a game of Mr and Mrs with a bunch of our long time married friends and we literally won every single round and could finish each others sentences…that to me is SO rare and I truly believe he’s going to struggle finding someone else like that. He’s thrown away something so good in the midst of stress. I wonder if this is going to be a recurring pattern for him. 
 

If he’s not coming back then I just wish I could get this feeling of abandonment and hurt out of my head. Keeping busy isn’t really helping. Is it just simply all down to time? 
 

I have wondered wether therapy may be helpful but it’s expensive and I’m not really sure how it all works. I’ve talked through it all with friends and family, I’m not sure how with someone else it will help? 

The answer is: it hurts like hell to be dumped. It's hard to accept that a person can flip on you.  It hard to understand why a person throws good things away.

I never put down therapy but I will say maybe in your case for right now you don't need therapy. 

it's like, say, you have a broken leg. you might need physical therapy but you've also got to give it time, rest, care before you can put weight on it.  but for you,  it's your heart and self esteem. 

Have you tried Journaling? Posting here is good too. read other's posts, give some advice,  vent when you feel like it. 

It's tough and it takes time. ❤️

[Batya33]

It’s normal. The memories of how “everyone “ saw how perfect we were together and we were and he’ll never find someone else like me (I mean sure that could happen but why is it relevant ). Do whatever works. Other than contacting him. Be angry be petulant and tell yourself it’s his loss - whatever works. To not contact him. I’d set aside 10 minutes a day to wallow. Your pity party. Get it out. I’m about to scrub my floors. Maybe do that while you vent internally. Get it out. Then go on with your day. 
 

[WintersDay]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You never answered why you've regularly seen him over these 4 months, so I'll assume you chose to do this. Seeing someone and regularly speaking about them to friends and family is keeping him very much front and center in your present life. 

It was the first stage of the process, but that's a stage that now needs to end. To get to that stage, I'd stop talking about him to friends and stop seeing him in person.

So in his twenty-plus years of dating, you say his longest relationship besides you was 18 months, so clearly he doesn't care enough about anybody to put in the effort it takes for a long term relationship. He didn't care enough to ask for fixes to what he saw as problems, or maybe he didn't have any problem with you except that you expected forever and he didn't.

Yes, you've had the rug pulled out from under you, so you're of course feeling bad. But it's now time to stop wallowing and spin a new reel in your mind: It's good he showed his true self before I wasted any more time on him. I'm now free to eventually find a better partner for me when the time is right.

I see him often in our work building unfortunately and he’s been storming past me and it’s been making me feel dreadful hence me reaching out to him just this last week to meet up just to make some sort of peace to make things feel better. He’s said no and I don’t understand why. 
 

A new job/location unfortunately is completely out of the question/an impossibility which is making this all that much harder. 

[WintersDay]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you continuing to contact him? Are you engineering situations where you'll run into him? Are you still trying to get him to see you? Are you looking at his social media, looking at photos and/or rereading messages he sent you? Are you continually discussing him with your friends and family? Are you asking his family and/or friends about him?

How is it that you run into him? Are you seeking him out, deliberately going places you know he'll be?

A therapist doesn't just listen. They give you tools and recommendations on how to get yourself to an emotionally healthy place.  Does your insurance cover therapy?

Thankfully he’s not on any sort of social media, I deleted all our messages, I don’t have his phone number as I deleted that - I’m trying to do my best with all of these things. 
 

Like I say, I did reach out via email a few days back to see if we could meet to make peace as it’s making it very difficult for me at work with him ignoring me and blanking me. I thought at least getting on some sort of friendly terms would help the pain/cloud of animosity that feels like it’s following me around. He’s said no and I don’t understand why.  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, WintersDay said:

 reaching out to him just this last week to meet up just to make some sort of peace to make things feel better. 

Please avoid him whenever possible and delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Unfortunately he's right not to drag out a breakup and make a clean break. There's absolutely no reason to rehash things or try to convince him he made a mistake and should come back.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in marriage and he very specifically told you that was why he ended it. 

Even though the breakup hurts and he simply got you to vacate his apartment to that end, please accept that it's over. 

[WintersDay]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please avoid him whenever possible and delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Unfortunately he's right not to drag out a breakup and make a clean break. There's absolutely no reason to rehash things or try to convince him he made a mistake and should come back.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in marriage and he very specifically told you that was why he ended it. 

Even though the breakup hurts and he simply got you to vacate his apartment to that end, please accept that it's over. 

Oh he absolutely believes in marriage and wants to get married and start a family. He was the one always talking about where it would be/who we would invite, what we would name our children etc etc. 

Evidently he now just doesn’t want those things with me.