Am I overreacting to something my partner did as a teenager?

[kitta_3674]

Hi There! I(26F) am in a quite happy relationship with my partner (M32) for about 5 years now. We happily live together for multiple years, finances are shared and in general things are fine. However something is concering me and i have no idea how to deal/approach the situation.

About 3 years ago on a drunken night at home he confessed to me that when he was a teenager (about 15 years ago) his older sister had a girlfriend over for a sleepover, while they slept he touched the girlfriend while masturbating because 'he was horny and curious'.While he did express his regrets about the situation, he also didn't seem to feel too guilty about it because 'what happend happend'.At the time I was disgusted but drunk and decided that since I loved him so much and he didn't have any concerning aspects otherwise to let it go.

However, apparentely I didn't let it go because I cannot look at him the same anymore. to the point that it's heavily influencing our sex life. Furthermore over the past years there's been an issue where he'll just randomly grabbs my boobs or touch me and when I say no or ask him to stop he'll just laugh and tell me this is his 'boyfriend privillege'.

The thing is, besides these 2 things he is absolutely wonderfull but at the moment the taught of having sex with him disgusts me and I have no idea what to do next.I've already suggested couples therapy to him but he's not willing to do so because this is 'my problem'.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, kitta_3674 said:

 there's been an issue where he'll just randomly grabbs my boobs or touch me and when I say no or ask him to stop he'll just laugh and tell me this is his 'boyfriend privillege'. but at the moment the taught of having sex with him disgusts me and I have no idea what to do next.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there seems to be a significant lack of respect and boundaries in the relationship and your BF seems to think of you as a toy. 

Even though you state your relationship is so wonderful it doesn't seem so. Are there any plans for a future?  Do you both work and contribute roughly equally financially and to household responsibilities? 

Why inspired him to confess this creepy teen episode? Is he usually this clueless about women and the rights and feelings of others?

It seems like this confession is promoting you to reflect if the relationship is viable and if he is trustworthy.  It's doubtful couples therapy would help with assaulting you. It's unclear why you put up with him grabbing at you and his male- privilege explanation.. 

Please a therapist privately and confidentiality. Not together. You can sort out and unpack things better in private where you can speak frankly about all his creepy behaviors. Do not tell him. Just go and start to explore your thoughts and feelings. 

[Kathryn657xx]

Well firstly you're not overreacting - your reactions are your reactions, they don't need justifying. Others can give their opinions on whether or not it would bother them but at the end of the day it DOES bother you and that's all that matters.

If everything else in your relationship is fine and you love this guy - can you not move forward from this and try to forget ? He was a boy at the time and maybe a good thing that he trusted you when sharing this information. Does he feel any remorse or embarrassment over this now? I presume the girl is unaware that this even happened? 

16 minutes ago, kitta_3674 said:

 Furthermore over the past years there's been an issue where he'll just randomly grabbs my boobs or touch me and when I say no or ask him to stop he'll just laugh and tell me this is his 'boyfriend privillege'.

 

My other half does exactly this, he sometimes just slides his hands down my trousers to see what colour pants i'm wearing that day - although it's not normal i don't think it suggests anything threatening? 

[Seraphim]

Disrespect of bodily autonomy isn’t good. Something he never learned ? 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, kitta_3674 said:

However, apparentely I didn't let it go because I cannot look at him the same anymore. to the point that it's heavily influencing our sex life. Furthermore over the past years there's been an issue where he'll just randomly grabbs my boobs or touch me and when I say no or ask him to stop he'll just laugh and tell me this is his 'boyfriend privillege'.

 

What?

Even if we classify first as "teenage curiosity"(though you can make a heavy case otherwise), he is now 32. He should know better then to grab you randomly when you are not OK with it. People do dumb stuff as teens. Stuff that makes them "cringe" later because they know better as age progresses. But, him violating your body autonomy shows he hasnt learned too much. Maybe he knows better then to grab and masturbate to some random woman without consent. But as you can see, he still didnt learn better when it comes to your body authonomy. If you are not OK with it and he still forces it onto you, that is not OK thing to do to you. This is way bigger issue the first as it directly concerns you. 

[Batya33]

Why did he tell you about the sexual assault ? I would try one more time to establish boundaries- the next time he touches you inappropriately or without your consent - or he knows you wouldn’t like it - make polite but firm eye contact and say “do not do that again” and if he dismisses it or jokes say “this is not funny to me.  I am feeling harassed by you and it’s a bad feeling. I don’t like when you do that. Stop. “
. If he ever does it again I would definitely connect the dots and understand that he believes he is entitled to handle you physically and sexually whether or not you want to. And I’d leave. 

for example I figured out very early on our son hates being tickled. Many adults and some other kids unfortunately believe that kids exist to be tickled so I have intervened when he was young. And if we rough house playfully I remind him if needed that I will never tickle him because I know he doesn’t like it. I say it matter of fact- it’s very important to me for him to know this sense of bodily autonomy.  He’s also very good at how he treats others.
 

He did try something with me as a joke a few times in the last few weeks that was intolerable to me personally. He’s 14. I told him very firmly to never ever do that to me again for any reason. He hasn’t. This  is what you should expect too. Or leave. 

[Lambert]

I agree... these acts are very telling. At best, he clearly objectifies women. At worst, he is predator.

Its despicable what he did.  What if you have a daughter with him and he does this to her teenage friend?

There's no "boyfriend rights"...

Does he think a man can't rape his wife? 

These are serious things, that he is making light of... what he did, touching his sister's friend was a crime.

How would he react if someone did this to his sister? 

This speaks to his character and I think you're right to be disturbed and wondering what else has he been laughing off? date rape because she said no but he knew she really wanted it? What about taking advantage of women or girls when they are drinking? 

His perspective and judgment are bad. You know of two specific examples.  What don't you know about?

End it now. It sucks but in the long run, you'll be better off.  

I once had a bf confess to me,  he and some other guys jumped an old man and beat him up for no reason. It was over right there.  That type of man is not one I want a my man, the father of my children, my 'prince'. We all have flaws, but this is really bad. 

If someone is great except they are a predator, then they are not great at all. 

[Batya33]

I declined to go on a third date with a man who owned a kickboxing studio - which is great !- but then told me with glee that in response to a man verbally insulting him on a public bus he beat him up - was a recent story. I didn’t need to hear more. 

[smackie9]

When I started working at a night club, a bouncer came up behind me and pulled his hands down my sides to my thighs. I totally snapped/lost it on him/made a scene. He stumbled backwards he was so shocked/surprised at my reaction. His behavior was telling..... so many women let him get away with it which led him think it was OK. He quickly apologized and stayed away from me. So the moral of this story is, you have to stand up to him, and drive it home that his past and present behavior is unacceptable, and not to do it again. That you demand respect when placing a boundary. If it ruins the relationship...then you just saved yourself years of bs from him. 

[catfeeder]

You don’t really need opinions about how awful the guy is, you can simply ask yourself if this is how you want to live.

[JohnJawn]

I don't know if you can judge him from something he did at 15 At least not if it is an isolated incident. God only knows what regrets we all have. People grow and mature and change. Now I do agree the inappropriate touching is concerning. As your partner he has to respect you. I don't think you can connect the dots as a pattern unless there are other incidents but him touching against your wishes is not appropriate. You need to firmly to tell him to stop, that it makes you uncomfortable, but you have to be willing to follow through if he further continues to not respect your boundaries.  If he sees you as an equal partner and someone he wants to spend his life with he will stop. You're not comfortable with it is the only thing that matters. 

[Capricorn3]

I think the very fact that he clearly shows he has not learned anything since his creepy teen behaviour, shows lack of awareness, no boundaries, and his true character (imo). This is who he is.

OP, you are not overreacting.  Pack his bags and show him the door.