Should I ask her out (again)?

[Sam.Bl]

Hey everyone,

I'll try and keep this as short as I can...

Recapping my last post: I met someone a month ago at a community event. We really hit it off, I felt a connection, and it ended her getting my social media

 

She had moved out of town but would be traveling up here for work - she does leave to go travelling in several months time which is unforunate.

 

Normally, under these circumstances, I would've left it... But I really felt a strong connection with her, and because the chemistry there I just had to ask her out. I asked her for coffee the next time she would be here. She took several days to reply which was concerning but she said that sounds good and she would let me know when she is next here.

 

Long story short. I kept convo minimal over text and just reached out nearer the time to confirm. She told me she wasn't travelling up this week but the week after. I didn't want to push it so I basically told her that I was free the following and to give me s shout when she was here, leaving the ball in her court.

 

I didn't hear anything back for several weeks...Until I saw her at this community event a few days ago. At this point I was gutted as I thought that it was a clear sign of non-interest the fact that she didn't reach out. I obviously thought "okay she's not interested or else she would've have let me know" so I tried to avoid her.

 

By the end I decided I was being stupid and just went to say hey, not expecting much in return - and wasn't expecting her reaction to be so positive. She went straight for a hug and just everything about that interaction felt positive... If you had transported past-me to that moment he would be thinking "wow there's something here..."

 

I walked home with her (as part of a group but got chatting to her 1 on 1)... I didn't want to bring up the elephant in the room of "do you still want to get coffee with me?" which I regret. But we still connected. 

 

I'm really confused. Maybe she isn't interested, maybe the fact she's travelling in several months has made her hesitant. but my impressions when I see her in person makes me question it... 

I'm torn whether to leave it or whether I should just get an answer once and for all - no gray area - and just move on if needs be. I don't want to regret inaction but at the same time I'm not sure if I should be doing anything...

 

How would you guys interpret this?  Should I ask her out...? If so, what's the best way to go about it?

Thanks again

Sam

 

 

 

Thanks

[NighttimeNightmare]

17 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

By the end I decided I was being stupid and just went to say hey, not expecting much in return - and wasn't expecting her reaction to be so positive. She went straight for a hug and just everything about that interaction felt positive... If you had transported past-me to that moment he would be thinking "wow there's something here..."

I think most people are generally polite people.  Decent people aren’t going to snub you when you approach to say hello, but they also won’t likely follow up again after that, nor will they use the opportunity to cement a time to connect one on one. 
 

sort of sounds like you expected certain behaviors from her to take place (like snubbing you or avoidance, which you’d then use to confirm her disinterest), and when those behaviors didn’t happen, it renewed your hope.  
 

The thing is, it’s very plausible that she doesn’t want more with you, but she’s also a decent person and extended kindness to you when you went over to say hi.  You’re potentially assigning way too much meaning to her kindness 

 

if you will regret not asking her out again, then go ahead and do it. But if the meeting doesn’t occur, or if it does occur and she doesn’t seem keen on having another meet up, I’d move on.  If she felt the same type of connection you believe you feel with her, I personally suspect she’d have been a lot more enthusiastic about that coffee date. 

[Andrina]

I counted about four times of effort from your side, and zero on hers. Her being friendly to you, even with a hug, so socially common in these days, doesn't mean she shares your romantic interest.

You've done enough. In your shoes, I'd keep the ball in her court. I doubt she's truly interested because I'm a woman, and I certainly wouldn't let these golden opportunities pass me by if I was into a guy. Try not to grasp for straws, and put yourself on ice while she's traveling, believing she'd date you if it weren't for this. 

I'd emotionally move on, and if she reaches out at some point, it will be a nice surprise and you could accept if you're still single. For now, I'd move on.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I'm torn whether to leave it or whether I should just get an answer once and for all - no gray area - 

Unfortunately this is confusing. All you can do is ask one more time for a one-on-one date and see what happens. Nothing to lose at this point so why not?

[Sam.Bl]

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I think most people are generally polite people.  Decent people aren’t going to snub you when you approach to say hello, but they also won’t likely follow up again after that, nor will they use the opportunity to cement a time to connect one on one. 
 

sort of sounds like you expected certain behaviors from her to take place (like snubbing you or avoidance, which you’d then use to confirm her disinterest), and when those behaviors didn’t happen, it renewed your hope.  
 

The thing is, it’s very plausible that she doesn’t want more with you, but she’s also a decent person and extended kindness to you when you went over to say hi.  You’re potentially assigning way too much meaning to her kindness 

 

if you will regret not asking her out again, then go ahead and do it. But if the meeting doesn’t occur, or if it does occur and she doesn’t seem keen on having another meet up, I’d move on.  If she felt the same type of connection you believe you feel with her, I personally suspect she’d have been a lot more enthusiastic about that coffee date. 

I'd disagree in that it was just kindness. I get what you're saying, but there was definite chemistry there and I really don't think I was overthinking it- that's what made the situation strange. It wasn't just like a general kind pleasant conversation. All the body language and everything about it felt charged...

So I don't think I am ascribing too much meaning in that sense.  I get what you're saying though...

If I had to guess - I'd say that she's is (or at least was) interested in me (hence wanting to go for coffee) but reasons e.g. going travelling, not being in town, getting out of a relationship couple months prior maybe means she's not interested

[Sam.Bl]

24 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I counted about four times of effort from your side, and zero on hers. Her being friendly to you, even with a hug, so socially common in these days, doesn't mean she shares your romantic interest.

You've done enough. In your shoes, I'd keep the ball in her court. I doubt she's truly interested because I'm a woman, and I certainly wouldn't let these golden opportunities pass me by if I was into a guy. Try not to grasp for straws, and put yourself on ice while she's traveling, believing she'd date you if it weren't for this. 

I'd emotionally move on, and if she reaches out at some point, it will be a nice surprise and you could accept if you're still single. For now, I'd move on.

I guess it's hard for me to judge how much effort I've put in and if it's clear or not... I've been too passive about these situations in the past - not making my intentions clear - that I thought maybe I should be more aggressive rather than letting it fade out.

I guess I can make peace with knowing that I've done enough, but I wasn't sure if I had...

To clarify:
I asked her out on Instagram
She said yeah that sounds great she'll let me know when she's here.
I reached out nearer the time to confirm.
She said she won't be here until next week.
I said basically I'm free so if you're up here soon and want to meet let me know (was this still doing enough on my part)?
Not hearing from her until I saw her again.
Me chatting with her but not bringing it up that we had a date lined up.

I guess I was worried that somehow, considering how her relationship history is serious relationships but not many of them, that maybe she felt uncomfortable asking me out, so was expecting me to ask again...?

I just have this fear that she is actually interested and that by not asking her outright I'm missing a shot with someone that I really connect with.

The rejection would sting because unfortunately I've got a pretty big crush on her but I can make peace as long as I know that I've made my interest clear, I can accept it like a man and move on with dignity and no regrets for not doing enough.

 

[Andrina]

You've made yourself very clear to her.

Speaking for myself, I'd feel cornered if you asked again.

I believe she was being passive and hoping the lack of firm plans would never materialize and fade away. She knows she will regularly see you at events, so is trying to avoid awkwardness in plainly saying she's not interested.

She's not shy. You've made it clear you're interested. She knows the ball is in her court, and she purposely avoided a coffee date by not accepting your request of informing you of an optimal date. Her behavior when seeing you was maybe her overcompensating for the difficulty of the whole situation.

Instead of feeling like you've been left hanging, I'd take this as a solid "no." I'm sorry that this isn't working out as you wish. I, too, had a huge crush on someone and later on found out it was best I'd never gotten together with him, since he drank too much. That's something I wasn't aware of at the time. But fate had someone else great in store for me. Sometimes we have to have faith that things don't happen for good reason, and we find out later why. Take care.

[Batya33]

She’s interested in flirting and chatting when she runs into you. It’s probably an ego boost as she knows you are interested. Doesn’t mean she wants to date you. Two different things.  You’ve shown a lot of interest so while she was hugging you or talking she had the perfect opportunity to say something about hanging out separately.  She didn’t even need to ask you out. But she didn’t. Take that as a yes to flirting when it’s convenient and no to one on one dating. 

[LootieTootie]

I think she likes the attention too as long as you are not crossing any boundaries. 

You already told her how you feel, and if she hasn't made time to grab a cup of coffee with you and sit for a few minutes to chat, it's apparent her interest in you is not as strong as yours.

When someone is in to you, they do not respond to your invite.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Should I ask her out (again)?

No. People who are really interested about you, would find time for you. She could go out with you before the trip. She could reach out after the trip. But she did not. Because the interest is just not there, sorry. 

Now, you may be asking "but why was she so cordial at the event"? Well, the answer is, that doesnt matter. You shouldnt be the only driving force behind this. If she is interested she should pick up some slack. She knows that you asked her out, she can contact you about it. No ammount of her being cordial at the event, or you seeing something that you think it is there, should require you to chase to the point you need to ask her again. She already knows you are interested. More chasing would just be, well, desperate. Stand your ground. You will respect yourself more and people will respect you more for it. If she wants something, let her reach you. If not, let it go. There are always more fish in the sea. No need to chase the one that is trying to get away. It will only lead you to more dissapointment.

 

[tgodeboy]

The past me would have asked the person atleast one more time and I am someone who wants clear verbal answer even if it is brutal, but most people are not ready to speak on our faces because of two reasons , one being nice , two , they don't have courage.

I send you blessings, hope things workout naturally but i bless you more to get someone who is interested in you really, the one who can put efforts

[MissCanuck]

You've been very clear, OP. 

She's not clueless. She knows what your invitations meant, so please don't come up with convoluted excuses as to why she didn't really respond. If she were interested, she wouldn't have let the opportunity to see you slip away. 

8 hours ago, Sam.Bl said:

I guess I was worried that somehow, considering how her relationship history is serious relationships but not many of them, that maybe she felt uncomfortable asking me out, so was expecting me to ask again...?

I don't mean to bem blunt, but this makes no sense. If she were interested, she'd have accepted and followed up. It's that simple.

I would not ask her out again, personally. Her silence is your answer, and your efforts would be better-placed elsewhere. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, tgodeboy said:

The past me would have asked the person atleast one more time and I am someone who wants clear verbal answer even if it is brutal, but most people are not ready to speak on our faces because of two reasons , one being nice , two , they don't have courage.

I send you blessings, hope things workout naturally but i bless you more to get someone who is interested in you really, the one who can put efforts

I think silence is lack of interest.  Not all is communicated verbally especially since you've been pursuing a date with her intensely - her body language in person is cordial/friendly and what also is true she is not interested in going on a one on one date -her silence on that specific request is lack of interest and your "need" for an actual "no" is your need - it's not fair to burden her.  She doesn't need "courage" to say no to a person she barely knows who is acting in a pushy way - perhaps you need to back off and own that you're being pushy.

[tgodeboy]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think silence is lack of interest.  Not all is communicated verbally especially since you've been pursuing a date with her intensely - her body language in person is cordial/friendly and what also is true she is not interested in going on a one on one date -her silence on that specific request is lack of interest and your "need" for an actual "no" is your need - it's not fair to burden her.  She doesn't need "courage" to say no to a person she barely knows who is acting in a pushy way - perhaps you need to back off and own that you're being pushy.

I like you for being so straightforward 🤣😎🧘

I mean , the expectation were completely inside my head, never initiated or shown it. I am acting stoic now 🧘🧘🧘

Also days getting better as time flies :)

[Jaunty]

I would try ONE more time, if I were in your shoes and really liked the woman, as you do her.

You really have nothing to lose.  If it doesn't work out, though, it's not happening.  

[Sam.Bl]

18 hours ago, Andrina said:

You've made yourself very clear to her.

Speaking for myself, I'd feel cornered if you asked again.

I believe she was being passive and hoping the lack of firm plans would never materialize and fade away. She knows she will regularly see you at events, so is trying to avoid awkwardness in plainly saying she's not interested.

She's not shy. You've made it clear you're interested. She knows the ball is in her court, and she purposely avoided a coffee date by not accepting your request of informing you of an optimal date. Her behavior when seeing you was maybe her overcompensating for the difficulty of the whole situation.

Instead of feeling like you've been left hanging, I'd take this as a solid "no." I'm sorry that this isn't working out as you wish. I, too, had a huge crush on someone and later on found out it was best I'd never gotten together with him, since he drank too much. That's something I wasn't aware of at the time. But fate had someone else great in store for me. Sometimes we have to have faith that things don't happen for good reason, and we find out later why. Take care.

Thanks for your honesty- yeah it sucks.  I wish I didn't feel this way about her but I guess it is what it is... Can't do anything about that.

I guess it's now made me question my ability to tell if somebody is genuinely interested romantically. I'm not the type of guy who thinks every pleasant interaction is flirty, but I felt with her just really strong chemistry. 

Could be a number of reasons why she said no but that's nothing to do with me.

As long as (you clearly agree) that I've not missed a trick on my part then I can make peace with it. Still sucks tho lol

[Sam.Bl]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I would try ONE more time, if I were in your shoes and really liked the woman, as you do her.

You really have nothing to lose.  If it doesn't work out, though, it's not happening.  

Yeah I'm torn I guess - I feel like I have nothing to lose but other commentators here seem convinced that she ain't interested so maybe the mature thing is just to move on

[Sam.Bl]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She’s interested in flirting and chatting when she runs into you. It’s probably an ego boost as she knows you are interested. Doesn’t mean she wants to date you. Two different things.  You’ve shown a lot of interest so while she was hugging you or talking she had the perfect opportunity to say something about hanging out separately.  She didn’t even need to ask you out. But she didn’t. Take that as a yes to flirting when it’s convenient and no to one on one dating. 

I'm being blunt here but... Does she know I'm interested... How so? I'm asking this because  I've really lost confidence in my ability to determine if a women is interested romantically and how I'm coming across.

A lot of times I feel like I don't do enough to show that I am interested, that I'm too "cool" and passive but if you think that I've made it clear I am interested then I trust your judgment, because mine is at a low right now if I'm being honest...

I just wish she hadn't have said yes and seemed enthusiastic initially - could've saved all this. Ah well, lessons learned

A 

[Sam.Bl]

17 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I think she likes the attention too as long as you are not crossing any boundaries. 

You already told her how you feel, and if she hasn't made time to grab a cup of coffee with you and sit for a few minutes to chat, it's apparent her interest in you is not as strong as yours.

When someone is in to you, they do not respond to your invite.

Have I told her how I feel though? In my mind I just offered a casual coffee date - which she accepted. 

Then when she said she'd be here the following week. All I said was basically I'm free so give me a shout if you want to meet when you're here. I didn't do anything else...

I feel like I'm a bit oblivious with these things which is why I'm asking. I guess I thought that because she had only been in serious relationships, she might have been shy to reach out, so I was worried that she was expecting me to ask again...

But if the common consensus here is that she isn't interested then I guess what I want  to believe doesn't match up lol

[Sam.Bl]

12 hours ago, tgodeboy said:

The past me would have asked the person atleast one more time and I am someone who wants clear verbal answer even if it is brutal, but most people are not ready to speak on our faces because of two reasons , one being nice , two , they don't have courage.

I send you blessings, hope things workout naturally but i bless you more to get someone who is interested in you really, the one who can put efforts

I'm the same my friend - I want clear answers even if they're brutal as well.

I SO MUCH would rather have preferred a blunt no but like I said there could be a million reasons why she didn't want to date

[Sam.Bl]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You've been very clear, OP. 

She's not clueless. She knows what your invitations meant, so please don't come up with convoluted excuses as to why she didn't really respond. If she were interested, she wouldn't have let the opportunity to see you slip away. 

I don't mean to bem blunt, but this makes no sense. If she were interested, she'd have accepted and followed up. It's that simple.

I would not ask her out again, personally. Her silence is your answer, and your efforts would be better-placed elsewhere. 

I love honesty so this is no problem - I guess for some reason I just had this lingering feeling that I didn't make enough effort.

It wasn't a convoluted excuse to comfort my ego but rather I guess an insecurity from the past that I've missed opportunities for not being bold enough 

[Sam.Bl]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think silence is lack of interest.  Not all is communicated verbally especially since you've been pursuing a date with her intensely - her body language in person is cordial/friendly and what also is true she is not interested in going on a one on one date -her silence on that specific request is lack of interest and your "need" for an actual "no" is your need - it's not fair to burden her.  She doesn't need "courage" to say no to a person she barely knows who is acting in a pushy way - perhaps you need to back off and own that you're being pushy.

I don't think I'm being pushy at all...? 

I didn't contact her since her no reply - I just chatted to her and didn't mention any date? 

I'm not trying to burden her I just didn't want regrets or anything

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I don't think I'm being pushy at all...? 

I didn't contact her since her no reply - I just chatted to her and didn't mention any date? 

I'm not trying to burden her I just didn't want regrets or anything

Yes. It’s about you. You don’t want regrets. I don’t think she’ll feel harassed if you ask once more. Will you be even more disappointed if she confirms no interest - or insufficient interest- in dating ?

[NighttimeNightmare]

25 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

Yeah I'm torn I guess - I feel like I have nothing to lose but other commentators here seem convinced that she ain't interested so maybe the mature thing is just to move on

That’s why you ask her once more. Be clear. Be direct. In the way that you define that.  because no one here can read her mind, and if you are so torn, it’s best to face reality for what it is: ask her.  Then let it go and move on if she turns you down, flakes, or won’t give a solid answer.  
 

otherwise you’ll ruminate over this, regret it in the future, wish you had done xyz.  So if this is who you are, then ask again and make peace with the outcome.   Everyone is giving advice from what they would be most likely to do. You need to do what will allow you to peacefully let this go. 

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, Sam.Bl said:

I didn't want to push it so I basically told her that I was free the following and to give me s shout when she was here, leaving the ball in her court.

 

I didn't hear anything back for several weeks...Until I saw her at this community event a few days ago. At this point I was gutted as I thought that it was a clear sign of non-interest the fact that she didn't reach out. I obviously thought "okay she's not interested or else she would've have let me know" so I tried to avoid her.

So, she's going away in a couple months?  Is it maybe not worth the effort?

IMO, if someone IS into you you'd know it.  As mentioned, it's all been YOU.

I guess it's fine if you want to ask her out for a coffee, but maybe don't expect anything more.