Should I ask her out (again)?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sam.Bl said:

I guess for some reason I just had this lingering feeling that I didn't make enough effort.

As a woman I can tell you that we generally understand what it means when a guy suggests meeting up one-to-one. 

And if we're interested on some level, we are going to accept. 

[rainbowsandroses]

JMO but don’t ask, tell her you’d like to take her to dinner and when and then gauge her response.  Something like this:

“[Her Name], I know this great little Italian place and would love to take you to dinner there.  Are you free on __________?  And then gauge her response.

That shows confidence, and intent.  I have had men do that with me and their confidence really impressed me!

Here’s the thing, a woman does not have to be 100% into you to accept an invite from a man she finds attractive and appealing.

During the date, this is where you gauge interest and chemistry between you.  As of now, there hasn’t been much opportunity for that (mutually), I get you’re attracted to her but not sure what you’re basing that on. 

A walk with a group?   Or because you find her physically attractive?  I mean at this point what else is there?  You have never been out with her one-on-one.

And I don't believe in the saying "when a person is into you, you know it."  That is not always true, people often hide their feelings for one reason or another, anxiety whatever. 

Life and love are never as black and white as that.   As Shakespeare said "the road to true love never does run smooth."

You literally have nothing to lose.  And as I always say, things are not always what they appear to be.  Truth is you have NO idea what she’s feeling right now.  You have not been clear with either words or actions imo, which leaves HER not feeling clear or acting clear.

So what to do.  Be clear!!  Have intent and purpose.  Be confident.

Again you literally have nothing to lose.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

[Sam.Bl]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That’s why you ask her once more. Be clear. Be direct. In the way that you define that.  because no one here can read her mind, and if you are so torn, it’s best to face reality for what it is: ask her.  Then let it go and move on if she turns you down, flakes, or won’t give a solid answer.  
 

otherwise you’ll ruminate over this, regret it in the future, wish you had done xyz.  So if this is who you are, then ask again and make peace with the outcome.   Everyone is giving advice from what they would be most likely to do. You need to do what will allow you to peacefully let this go. 

I think I'm leaning towards not doing anything because her actions, as pointed out by others, don't indicate interest. But I guess I need to think it over tonight and then decide soon... 

I mean the fact that she goes away and that she only routinely visits the city, coupled with her not reaching out etc. but then I guess it's how I felt around her and everything. A head vs heart thing.

I'll have a think though... and yeah that's good advice - If I do decide to ask her explicitly just to do it in a calm and straightforward way, without neediness and then just moving on once I get the no

[Sam.Bl]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but don’t ask, tell her you’d like to take her to dinner and when and then gauge her response.  Something like this:

“[Her Name], I know this great little Italian place and would love to take you to dinner there.  Are you free on __________?  And then gauge her response.

That shows confidence, and intent.  I have had men do that with me and their confidence really impressed me!

Here’s the thing, a woman does not have to be 100% into you to accept an invite from a man she finds attractive and appealing.

During the date, this is where you gauge the chemistry between you.  As of now, there hasn’t been much opportunity for that (mutually), I get you’re attracted to her but not sure what you’re basing that on.  Because you find her physically attractive?  I mean at this point what else is there?  You have never been out with her one-on-one.

And I don't believe in the saying "when a person is into you, you know it."  That's is not always true, people often hide their feelings for one reason or another, anxiety whatever.  As Shakespeare said "the road to true love never does run smooth."

You literally have nothing to lose.  And as I always say, things are not always what they appear to be.  Truth is you have NO idea what she’s feeling right now.  You have not been clear with either words or actions imo, which leaves HER not feeling clear or acting clear.

So what to do.  Be clear!!  Have intent and purpose.  Be confident.

Again you literally have nothing to lose.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Many other people seem to think I have been super clear with my actions and intentions, you're the first to say otherwise haha but yeah to be honest I'm on the fence but leaning towards not doing anything.

But if I decide to reach out tomorrow I'll definitely follow your advice.

[NighttimeNightmare]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And I don't believe in the saying "when a person is into you, you know it."  That's is not always true, people often hide their feelings for one reason or another

Exactly. It baffles me the amount of time people say this, ironically even to the person who isn’t being clear and forthcoming with their own feelings about the person they’re referencing…. Pot meet kettle. 
 

I can think of 3 occasions on my life where someone liked me and I didn’t know.  I can think of 1 occasion in my own life where I liked someone and kept it to myself  

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

Many other people seem to think I have been super clear with my actions and intentions, you're the first to say otherwise

No I'm not. @NighttimeNightmarealso alluded to it in his post which I 100% agree with.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Exactly. It baffles me the amount of time people say this, ironically even to the person who isn’t being clear and forthcoming with their own feelings about the person they’re referencing…. Pot meet kettle. 
 

I can think of 3 occasions on my life where someone liked me and I didn’t know.  I can think of 1 occasion in my own life where I liked someone and kept it to myself  

Same for me!!

[Sam.Bl]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No I'm not. @NighttimeNightmarealso alluded to it in his post which I 100% agree with.

 

Apologies - you're right. I guess I'm just confused about it but there's only one way to know for sure I guess. 

I don't even know if she's around but I can have a think on it and see if I think it's worth going for it again

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I think I'm leaning towards not doing anything

Can you live with that choice though? I have a feeling, based on how confused you are about this whole thing, that at some point in your future if things don’t work out with another girl, you’ll be back on here saying “damn I should have been more clear and upfront with the coffee shop girl. Maybe things would have worked out.”

 

maybe you were clear, maybe you were upfront, maybe she isn’t interested at all. Those things may all be true.  But what is telling is your feelings about it. You are unsure, so use this as a learning experience to not only validate your own feelings, but to become more secure in what it means to be upfront.  This is really about you at this point, not her. 

7 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

her actions, as pointed out by others, don't indicate interest

Maybe they don’t, but I also think none of us are there to witness whatever “vibe” you keep insisting you’re picking up on.    I’m not suggesting your interpretation of this “vibe” is correct, rather that it’s something you need to face and get a more definitive answer about - not because one wasn’t maybe given, but simply because you’re confused. 
 

9 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I guess it's how I felt around her and everything.

Something to keep in mind is that when you are physically attracted to someone, or even just attracted to their energy, you are going to feel a high and around them. You’ll feel alive, excited, drawn in…but that doesn’t mean she feels the same towards you. 
 

you have an attraction to her, many here think you were clear enough and she’s not interested enough. But I do think you need to ask again for your own ability to resolve your internal confusion regarding the situation. Ask yourself what it means to be clear, maybe you’ll find you were clear enough after all. If not, then hit her up. But have a resolve for yourself: if she’s vague, move on knowing you were as clear as you could be, and she was still vague. 

[Sam.Bl]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Can you live with that choice though? I have a feeling, based on how confused you are about this whole thing, that at some point in your future if things don’t work out with another girl, you’ll be back on here saying “damn I should have been more clear and upfront with the coffee shop girl. Maybe things would have worked out.”

 

maybe you were clear, maybe you were upfront, maybe she isn’t interested at all. Those things may all be true.  But what is telling is your feelings about it. You are unsure, so use this as a learning experience to not only validate your own feelings, but to become more secure in what it means to be upfront.  This is really about you at this point, not her. 

Maybe they don’t, but I also think none of us are there to witness whatever “vibe” you keep insisting you’re picking up on.    I’m not suggesting your interpretation of this “vibe” is correct, rather that it’s something you need to face and get a more definitive answer about - not because one wasn’t maybe given, but simply because you’re confused. 
 

Something to keep in mind is that when you are physically attracted to someone, or even just attracted to their energy, you are going to feel a high and around them. You’ll feel alive, excited, drawn in…but that doesn’t mean she feels the same towards you. 
 

you have an attraction to her, many here think you were clear enough and she’s not interested enough. But I do think you need to ask again for your own ability to resolve your internal confusion regarding the situation. Ask yourself what it means to be clear, maybe you’ll find you were clear enough after all. If not, then hit her up. But have a resolve for yourself: if she’s vague, move on knowing you were as clear as you could be, and she was still vague. 

Wow this is gold, thanks.

I guess also it was just the fact that she goes away in a couple of months that, if something were to happen, I don't really know what it would be...

I mean I've had other crushes recently but I guess it's just the connection I had when talking to her I just haven't experienced with other women that I found attractive. 

Maybe I assumed that a "yes" to a date was a lock-in rather than something to take with a pinch of salt until you actually confirm it.

I'll think on it tonight and, if I do ask her out, I'll do it tomorrow. If I do go through with it, I really want to do it from a healthy and non-needy place. I've thought about what to write to her but I can't seem to find the right way to go about it, whether I should just be completely blunt like "hey, I know we organised X... I wanted to see if you were free here as I think you're cute etc." 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

I wanted to see if you were free here as I think you're cute etc." 

Leave the bolded out.  You can compliment her on her cuteness if and when you actually begin dating and you know the interest and attraction is mutual. 

Keep us posted!!  :))

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sam.Bl said:

  I should just be completely blunt like "hey, I know we organised X... I wanted to see if you were free here as I think you're cute etc." 

Please leave out the think you're cute part. Just ask her to go for (coffee,a drink, whatever) when it's mutually convenient for both of you.  This way you can stop ruminating and simply ask.  Anything but a "yes" is a "no". Then you'll have your peace. But ask her on a date specifically. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Leave the bolded out.  You can compliment her on her cuteness if and when you actually begin dating and you know the interest and attraction is mutual. 

Keep us posted!!  :))

Agree! I like the direct and clear and simple approach too.  The cutesie compliment is way too much and redundant- she will know you find her attractive since you are asking her on a date.  

I agreed to lunch with my future husband even though I had started seeing someone because - we worked at the same company so I wasn't sure how he meant the invite (lunch during the workday, down the block) and I found him fun to talk to so -why not? If he'd told me "because I think you're cute" I'd have said no to err on the side of not being inappropriate with a colleague and I'd have found it weird.  He was 100% simple and direct.  He called me a few days after seeing me at a work event - third work event we'd spoken at over a 9 month period - and the conversation was under 5 minutes.  Which was good.

[kim42]

I think you should ask her out again, you have nothing to lose and if she says no, at least you will be able to move on.

Keep us posted!

[Sam.Bl]

Well... I asked her if she was free a few days ago. Left on read.

Gutted obviously, I'm trying to make sense of it so that I can learn from this... But I just don't understand the ignoring the message - just from a human to human point of view.

I don't want to sound entitled, and I'm honestly not in any way wanting her to be into me anymore, or trying to convince myself etc. but I was convinced that I did this all in the right way... Unless somebody here tells me different?

I left it with her originally to reach out to me - when I saw her in person, we connected but I didn't push anything. Then I just sent her this message with the basic premise of "we never got round to... I still would like to... would you be up for it next week?"

 

Did I deserve a no response? Am I right to feel a bit pissed off with being ignored (just from a general point of view). I'm perfectly fine with her not being interested, like I said I don't want this to come across as bitter but I'm just trying to get a balanced view

I'm all ears anyway

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

 I just sent her this message with the basic premise of "we never got round to... I still would like to... would you be up for it next week?

Sorry this happened. Your message was fine . It would be nice if people wouldn't ghost but sometimes they don't know how to decline gracefully. Maybe you dodged a bullet after all? 

[Sam.Bl]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Your message was fine . It would be nice if people wouldn't ghost but sometimes they don't know how to decline gracefully. Maybe you dodged a bullet after all? 

Well this is reassuring at least that my message was fine and that I didn't push anything on her. 

I just don't get ignoring messages, not even in dating, but maybe that's just me... 

[kim42]

Sorry this happened, at least you can close this chapter and move on. Nothing wrong with your message.

[Batya33]

I preferred silence. Silence is lack of interest. I preferred it to some pat or polite response or how amazing I was although he wasn’t interested.  Ick. I also preferred not to respond in situations where I was concerned about being harassed.  Because I had been. And it was no fun. 

[Sam.Bl]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I preferred silence. Silence is lack of interest. I preferred it to some pat or polite response or how amazing I was although he wasn’t interested.  Ick. I also preferred not to respond in situations where I was concerned about being harassed.  Because I had been. And it was no fun. 

I definitely don't - I would 1000% prefer a blunt "I'm not interested in dating you - sorry" than just avoidance. But, there's no point me getting annoyed or petty about it (I'm just getting it all out now lol)

[Andrina]

12 minutes ago, Sam.Bl said:

Did I deserve a no response?

Read back on all the beginning responses. In her mind, maybe she felt cornered or that you were pushy and couldn't take a hint (her fault for not being clear and saying no from the get-go). But also your fault as many of us women posters said that we would never let a golden opportunity pass us by if we were truly interested in a guy, and that she knew the ball was in her court and she never lobbed it back. Perhaps she thinks if she responds, since you keep putting in effort without any from her, that in giving you that inch, you'll take a mile.

Just guessing as per what I've observed in life.

I, too, am often disappointed by others behavior when I know how I'd act differently in the same situation. I hope you have better luck with the next lady you're interested in. 

[Sam.Bl]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Read back on all the beginning responses. In her mind, maybe she felt cornered or that you were pushy and couldn't take a hint (her fault for not being clear and saying no from the get-go). But also your fault as many of us women posters said that we would never let a golden opportunity pass us by if we were truly interested in a guy, and that she knew the ball was in her court and she never lobbed it back. Perhaps she thinks if she responds, since you keep putting in effort without any from her, that in giving you that inch, you'll take a mile.

Just guessing as per what I've observed in life.

I, too, am often disappointed by others behavior when I know how I'd act differently in the same situation. I hope you have better luck with the next lady you're interested in. 

I get what you're saying, but I really don't feel I cornered her in any way. I purposely went out of my way to make sure that I didn't chase at all... I'd hate this person to think I was needy and desperately needed her to say yes.

I'm perfectly fine with her not being interested. I don't feel any need now to change anything. But maybe how I felt and how I wanted to come across, and how I actually came across are two different things...

Rejection is part of it obviously but as long as I can make peace that I put myself out there in a respectful and non-needy way then I'll be fine with that

[LootieTootie]

Sorry that the second attempt wasn't what you hoped for.

Just know that some people are terrible at confrontation or they avoid confrontation for whatever reason. I know that in your mind, you think "well no, if she had had just told me, I would have been all good and dandy." Unfortunately, not all people are like you. So, please don't stop being you.

I'm guessing she's a very cute girl and she's a great catch. Back in my heyday, I've had guys tell me after rejection that I'm stuck up, I'm going to miss out or one guy in particular said to me "Well, good luck in being miserable you <fill in the blank>" - those types of responses can really affect a person's psyche with the opposite gender. 

I'm not saying what she did was right, ignoring you. All I'm saying is don't take it personal. It's a reflection on her. She might be affected by the responses she has received from rejecting men or just too nice or too confrontation-avoidant to say "No, thank you. I don't want to lead you on."

 

[Sam.Bl]

6 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Sorry that the second attempt wasn't what you hoped for.

Just know that some people are terrible at confrontation or they avoid confrontation for whatever reason. I know that in your mind, you think "well no, if she had had just told me, I would have been all good and dandy." Unfortunately, not all people are like you. So, please don't stop being you.

I'm guessing she's a very cute girl and she's a great catch. Back in my heyday, I've had guys tell me after rejection that I'm stuck up, I'm going to miss out or one guy in particular said to me "Well, good luck in being miserable you <fill in the blank>" - those types of responses can really affect a person's psyche with the opposite gender. 

I'm not saying what she did was right, ignoring you. All I'm saying is don't take it personal. It's a reflection on her. She might be affected by the responses she has received from rejecting men or just too nice or too confrontation-avoidant to say "No, thank you. I don't want to lead you on."

 

Thanks. Yeah I mean everybody is different. Clearly she feels that it's an okay thing to do that, and in her head she wouldn't know how i could react - so I get her wanting to avoid that.

I'm just glad that others here (mostly) think that I haven't pushed things too far and that I haven't warranted being ghosted. That definitely helps in being able to not take things personally...