Why is my ex-crush going out of his way to befriend my new man?

[nics091]

Hi everyone. So a while ago, I met a guy and felt an instant connection with him. We actuall work for different companies in the same industry so we work together at least a few days per week. After hanging out at work a few times, he asked me on a date. However, on the date, he stood me up. The next day, he told me how sorry he was and that he was sick, so he would rearrange the date, which he did. I decided to give him a second chance. Stupid idea, as he stood me up for that date as well. I assumed at this point that he was not interested in going on a date with me. So I decided to stop engaging with him and start ignoring him because I really had feelings for him (maybe still do) and it was just easier for me to move on without speaking to him. Fast forward a few weeks, I have met a new guy who is really into me and we are getting on very well. Now he goes out of his way to speak to me at work, comes to stand near me for no reason or just seems to be trying to get physically close to me. Its almost like he is trying to remind me of his presence. Even more weird, he is also trying very hard to befriend my new man and it is so strange. We went to a party for a mutual friend the other day and I brought the new guy along. Whenever I was physically away from my new guy he would slide alongside my new man and have conversations with him. He did not do this with the partners of any other girls at the party. Maybe I am overthinking it but why would he do that? Anyone have any insight on this?

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, nics091 said:

why would he do that?

Ego. He's not that interested in you but he likes knowing you want him, and seems to enjoy toying with you a bit.

I wouldn't waste any further time wondering about him. He would have followed through on a date if he were actually keen to see you. 

But I find your wording here interesting:

6 minutes ago, nics091 said:

I have met a new guy who is really into me

Are you into him? I ask because you also mentioned you might still have feelings for the previous guy. 

[nics091]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Ego. He's not that interested in you but he likes knowing you want him, and seems to enjoy toying with you a bit.

I wouldn't waste any further time wondering about him. He would have followed through on a date if he were actually keen to see you. 

But I find your wording here interesting:

Are you into him? I ask because you also mentioned you might still have feelings for the previous guy. 

Well, unfortunately I do still have feelings for the previous guy. I wish I didn't but I can't help it. I am trying so hard to mask it. Most of my friends say I have a real poker face at the moment and they wouldn't be able to tell that I still like him if they did not know. I initially went out with the new guy as a distraction if I am honest but I do like him. I don't know yet whether I am fully into him as it is at a very early stage.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, nics091 said:

 Even more weird, he is also trying very hard to befriend my new man and it is so strange.

Is it possible he's gay?

[MissCanuck]

You really shouldn’t be dating the new guy. Dating someone as a “distraction” isn’t fair. 

Having a poker face is irrelevant. Your mind and interest are somewhere else. Let the new guy go. 

[kim42]

I think it's not very fair to the new guy as you consider him a distraction. 

As for the ex-crush, he sounds like a player, he probably enjoys your attention and the fact you like him. I don't think he takes you seriously, sorry, since he didn't show up for your dates.

[Lambert]

Whatever this ex crush's motivation is, you can bet it's not for your benefit.

I think the real situation to ponder is why would you still be interested is someone like him? 

Is it your ego pushing you to live up to the challenge of getting this guy? 

Work on yourself.  By having higher standards and not allowing yourself to put so much energy (watching him at parties while on a date, discussing his motives with your friends, posting questions about him) into someone who did not treat you with respect twice.

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, nics091 said:

Now he goes out of his way to speak to me at work, comes to stand near me for no reason or just seems to be trying to get physically close to me.

It feels good for him to have a fan and that breaks up the monotony of his work day. How about telling him things like: No time to talk. I'm busy. I need to get back to work. Can you take a few steps back? You're making me uncomfortable.

Don't attend parties where he will be until you no longer have a crush. Start thinking of him as just another co-worker. You can still be pleasant and say hello, but cut off discussions that do not involve business talk.

Good luck in finding a keeper.

[nics091]

Thanks for the replies everyone. @Andrina I have already been trying to minimize contact with him, I simply say hello and then go about my own business. But the more I try to ignore him, the more he tries to talk to me and be around me. Sometimes I have to attend parties that he will be at because we have mutual friends and if it is a party to celebrate something specifically for them (birthday, leaving party etc.), I don't want to let them down and not attend. He always comes and sits with me or tries to speak to me, and I get usually up and leave but he seems to follow me around the room. It's just very strange

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, nics091 said:

 He always comes and sits with me or tries to speak to me, and I get usually up and leave but he seems to follow me around the room. 

He does seem like a timewaster. Especially since he stood you up twice recently. Good idea to distance yourself and just be professional at work or work parties. 

[smackie9]

You are going to have to be quite frank with this guy and tell him to leave you alone, and stop getting involved with the guy you are dating. He's becoming creepy. I hope you have explained your situation with your new guy. 

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, nics091 said:

but he seems to follow me around the room. It's just very strange

So you'll have to be firmer with him, and if that doesn't work, threaten him that you will have to report him to management if he doesn't stop. Nobody should be subjected to harassment in the workplace. 

[boltnrun]

11 hours ago, nics091 said:

I do still have feelings for the previous guy. I wish I didn't but I can't help it. I am trying so hard to mask it.

 

11 hours ago, nics091 said:

I initially went out with the new guy as a distraction if I am honest but I do like him. I don't know yet whether I am fully into him

Does the new guy know you actually really like your "crush", and that you're basically just "trying" to be into him?

[shouldhavelearned]

Wants what he can't have

[Capricorn3]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You really shouldn’t be dating the new guy. Dating someone as a “distraction” isn’t fair. 

Having a poker face is irrelevant. Your mind and interest are somewhere else. Let the new guy go. 

I second the above.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/5/2023 at 12:26 AM, nics091 said:

I don't know yet whether I am fully into him as it is at a very early stage. 

Yet you do know you're very into the other guy but have never gone out on even one date with him.   

Please get honest with yourself.  You're not into this new guy, and it has nothing to do with what stage you're in.  

Then, be honest with him.

It's not fair to use men as distractions, for attention or to elicit jealousy from the man you DO like.

I won't fault you for being into the other guy, we like who we like. 

What I will fault you for is being emotionally dishonest with yourself and with this new man you're dating. 

If you're gonna play the game, at least play it fairly and honestly. 

 

 

 

 

[kim42]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yet you do know you're very into the other guy but have never gone out on even one date with him.   

Please get honest with yourself.  You're not into this new guy, and it has nothing to do with what stage you're in.  

Then, be honest with him.

It's not fair to use men as distractions, for attention or to elicit jealousy from the man you DO like.

I won't fault you for being into the other guy, we like who we like. 

What I will fault you for is being emotionally dishonest with yourself and with this new man you're dating. 

If you're gonna play the game, at least play it fairly and honestly. 

 

 

 

 

I agree with this, I don't think it's fair to string him along if you're still thinking about the guy from work.

I understand your situation though, I'm trying to forget someone who I really like but he lives far, so I went on three dates with this other guy but my mind wasn't even present on these dates, so I stopped seeing the other guy, even though he was very nice and interested in me.

[SooSad33]

On 10/5/2023 at 3:26 AM, nics091 said:

Well, unfortunately I do still have feelings for the previous guy. I wish I didn't but I can't help it. I am trying so hard to mask it. Most of my friends say I have a real poker face at the moment and they wouldn't be able to tell that I still like him if they did not know

Then don't lead this other 'new guy' on like this! 😕 .

One should never use people to get back at others.. it's immature and unfair for him.

Deal with what you've got.  Get over this first dude before you go getting involved ( or use) another one. 😕 .

[Jaunty]

On 10/5/2023 at 1:26 AM, nics091 said:

Well, unfortunately I do still have feelings for the previous guy. I wish I didn't but I can't help it. I am trying so hard to mask it. 

From your OP, I gather that you really don't know the guy at all ... you met, had an "instant connection" and then he stood you up. TWICE. 

Obviously he's not interested in you and he has behaved in a very insulting manner towards you.   

Frankly he sounds like a real lowlife.  Not only the standing you up twice, but also then creeping on this new guy.   

Your feelings for him can't be more than a very superficial fantasy type of crush.  All the reality about him is pretty gross.  If you stop indulging yourself in the fantasy the "feelings" will just go away.  Not because of another new guy you just met at work, but simply because they are not based on anything real.