She says it's her or the house - what do I do?

[catfeeder]

No matter how you slice it, you'll need to live somewhere. If you can't afford to live in the house alone, consider renting to roommates or don't buy the house.

In theory you can afford it, or you wouldn't have gotten the mortgage. You planned on living there regardless of outcomes, and you have solid reasons for doing so.

So? Do so.

As for trying to manipulate this woman back to you, nobody here has a crystal ball to tell you whether she's finally had enough. You know her better than we do, so your guess is as good as anyone's.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, MarcusBB said:

Well, I have to speak to her and contact her again because half of her stuff is still at my house.  I also need to make a decision on whether to buy this house or not.

Living with someone your can't get along with is a bad idea. Buying a house with someone you can't get along with is a catastrophically bad idea.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

but I really want to know how to repair things with her

You can't. 

It's way too late for that now. I'm sorry. Your best bet is to work on accepting that this is over. 

[kehratha]

If she's willing to give it another shot IF you don'y buy this house, then don't buy it. (of course, if you really love this woman)

Rent a place together for a while, help her to pay her debts (which are made because of you) and AFTER buy a house together with her, with both your names on the mortgage.

As for the anger, well, is you that drove her to the breaking point.

 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

I can't really understand why she is so angry because us owning a home is what she wanted and it's a nice place.

That is because you dont have an empathy to understand the other side. The home is suppose to be something you both pick and live together. And now, after all excuses in the world not to buy one and live together, you went ahead and bought one yourself without her. And now you want her to swallow all pride and come live with you. In a house she had no saying at all.

I dont think she is very level-headed with her proposition to sell home and then buy another one. But I can understand why she doesnt want to be with you anymore. Be alone in the house you bought. Because, truth to be told, you dont deserve more then that after everything you did to poor woman. Such avoidance of responsability and accountability makes me think not only you are not for her, you are not for any relationship. Until you fix whatever you have, whether its PTSD or just fear of commitment, stay away from relationships in general.

[Seraphim]

This relationship is over and done with. Please please please get help for the mental health issues. This will happen in every relationship unless you get help. 

[Seraphim]

Basically what you’re saying to her is how dare you react to my lying and gaslighting. It is your fault I am doing this. You don’t want it to be your fault. Mental illness or not this is a dynamic you yourself created and only you can fix. With her it is over . The good news is you can address your mental health issues and maybe one day have a relationship with someone else . 

[Lambert]

I think the best thing to do is to let her go.

You have acted very selfishly, wrecked her financially, destroyed her spirit, hurt the kids and you have the gaul to say she needed to give you stability.

9 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

her anger made me feel unsafe and that she  should have given me the stability I needed,

Seek therapy to help with your issues. Maybe once you are in a better place with yourself, you can be a proper partner. Right now, you're better off on your own. 

expecting to fix this is also unreasonable on your part.  She should stay away. 

[Andrina]

Just as when someone is an addict (drugs, gambling, etc.), that person prioritizes the addiction over any person, the same goes for a person lugging around useless, emotional baggage. The sabotaging baggage takes precedence over caring properly for a partner.

You've known all these years you weren't the best possible partner because of your baggage, yet you didn't choose to get therapy for it at the time, so how can you say you truly love her? She deserved someone fully free of constant fears and you weren't willing to provide that.

If I were her buddy, I'd tell her that past recent behavior predicts the present and future, and that you're not a good risk for her heart.

A hard lesson to learn, but even if she's not returning to you, you need years of therapy if you ever expect to date to find a lifetime companion, so don't let that slide.

[Starlight925]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is because you dont have empathy to understand the other side.

I agree with all the feedback you've received.

I think this statement about lacking empathy is the crux of the entire matter.

You said that you are autistic.  Have you been properly diagnosed?  Have you been taught how to read facial and non-verbal cues?

Have you sought therapy for your abuse and subsequent PTSD?  Which, by the way, I am so so sorry for what you have gone through.

You sound like a very intelligent person, so I don't mean this to condescend or patronize:

    em·pa·thy

     /ˈempəTHē/

    noun

    the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Please pretend you are her, and look at this from her point of view, and you will understand her frustration, anger, and desire to completely cut ties with you, given all that you've put her through.

I wish you the very best.

[lostandhurt]

16 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

based on me agreeing to go to therapy and sort myself out (which I promise I will do)

You  have had years to enter into therapy and sort yourself out and since you made this promise you have had plenty of time to find a therapist but once again you haven't.  You continue to lie to her by your inaction, your deflection and sneaking around behind her back buying this particular house.

  You also stated you would consider putting her on the mortgage later.  You didn't state that you absolutely would put her name on the deed and mortgage, only consider it.  Can you see how this looks?

Everything you say and do makes her feel disposable like you are planning her exit sometime in the future.

  If you really want to save your relationship cancel the house purchase and take the hit financially and then pour any money you have into therapy and sorting yourself out just like you promised her so many times.

 The biggest mistake you made was thinking buying a house was going to fix your relationship but all it did was expose just how bad it all is.

  Honestly I have no idea why she stays or what she sees in you but the chances of you meeting a woman with this much patience, tolerance and love for you are pretty darn slim so you should do anything and everything to make this right and if that means losing money on the house and spending every last penny you have for therapy you should do it.

 She needs action, not more broken promises and lies.  Please don't tell me buying the house was action because it wasn't or you would have included her in every aspect of it.

Lost

[1a1a]

I would imagine you buying the house without her makes her feel like you two are not a team on major life decisions. She might feel like being a team with your partner is really important. 
 

If you want to take the romantic gamble, sell the house, keep doing therapy. Tell her you can’t imagine life without her and are doing x on your end to resolve your problems. How does her heart and her mind feel? 
 

If she says she’s done, let her go gracefully. If she says she wants to work things out, then it’s not you versus her, it’s you and her versus the problems that affect the relationship. You stringing her along, problem affecting f the relationship. Brain storm ways to try and resolve it. Her yelling when she’s angry (translation: so upset she has become emotionally disregulated), problem affecting the relationship. Brain storm ways to resolve that (you might find from your end by the time her voice is raised she feels really unheard. Are you listening to her? She might find from her end that even as she’s becoming emotionally disregulated she can see the hurt in your eyes and that prompts her to take a deep breath or three and try again to say what she’s saying but more calmly).

 

One thing is for sure, If you both choose to try again, and you want this relationship to grow, not die, you need to actually take the leap of faith and live with her. 
 

Maybe you too can move to the town that’s a bit cheaper so you two can have a life together.

[Tinydance]

21 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

I am sorry if I come across as bad at understanding things.  I am autistic, which makes understanding how other people feel difficult sometimes, and I can also be really self absorbed.  I genuinely, genuinely love this woman and want a home with her forever. 

I understand it was very wrong to tell her I would do something and then keep not doing it, and I really regret that.  I understand I would have felt terrible in her position.

What I don't fully understand is two things.   If someone could please explain (I'm trying to understand complex emotional things that are quite challenging for me):

1.  Why is she so angry I bought the house NOW if buying a house is what she wanted and ultimately it is good for us financially? I have explained to her it will be also her house and she can collect the keys with me and decorate and choose everything and it's hard for me to understand her incandescent rage over it?  I have asked her if she wants to find a different house?

2.  Why is she so angry with me when I tried to explain that I just needed to feel safe?  I kept asking her to please stop all the arguments and being so angry because it triggers my PTSD and made it feel like I couldn't move in with her.  I asked her so many times to just give calmness and stability and then I would be able to move and she just got incredibly angry?

Sorry if these are stupid questions, but I don't always understand her emotions and when she is angry at me I find it hard to cope.  She used to be so kind and gentle and now she is saying horrible things to me.

1. Because she wanted you to buy a house so badly for many years. You said it was really hard for you and you kept dragging your feet over and over and over. You only finally bought the house because she left and you wanted her back. While you were with her, you were taking her for granted and not bothering to buy the house. It would have been very sad for her that her children were staying away. Your previous place was only one bedroom so obviously they had nowhere to stay. You didn't include her in buying the house at all. In a relationship people need to make decisions together. You never made her part of any of your decisions.

2. You mentioned that you can be self absorbed. I think that's at the root of most of the problems. I understand you have PTSD but it actually is your responsibility to seek help for your PTSD. You need to be on medication and in intensive therapy. Your partner can be understanding (she was) but they are not your therapist. They aren't required to put all their own feelings and needs aside constantly because you have autism and PTSD.

She's allowed to express that she's angry and she has full right to be. She doesn't have to say nothing and push all her feelings away just for your sake. Why is it that you're allowed to always talk about your PTSD and your struggles but she's notallowed to show her feelings?

You need to understand that a relationship is a two way street. That means both people give and take. Here you just take but you don't give. Buying the house actually was for yourself because you didn't want her to leave. What pushed you to buy the house was that you were scared to be without your girlfriend. So it wasn't for her  - it was mostly for you. She knows this so that's why she's angry.

[Tinydance]

13 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Basically what you’re saying to her is how dare you react to my lying and gaslighting. It is your fault I am doing this. You don’t want it to be your fault. Mental illness or not this is a dynamic you yourself created and only you can fix. With her it is over . The good news is you can address your mental health issues and maybe one day have a relationship with someone else . 

100% this

[rainbowsandroses]

23 hours ago, MarcusBB said:

I told her I realised I had some issues with anxiety and relationships and commitments...

^^Ya think?   

Forget the PTSD @MarcusBB, that imo is a convenient excuse and a symptom of the much larger issue. 

That larger issue being you have serious SERIOUS issues/ fears surrounding relationships and commitment.

Her anger isn't just because of the house, it's a build up of years of being literally 'jerked around' by you.  

Yes jerked around and I'm sorry but there is no kinder way of saying this, however unintentional on your part. 

She has no reason to trust you at this point. She has reached her breaking point.

Sadly for you, I think this is done. You can use this unfortunate and painful experience as an opportunity to learn and grow and do better next time in your next relationship.

And also to seek therapy for your anxieties and fears surrounding commitment and attempt to heal from whatever caused such fears (including PTSD).

I'm really sorry, I do know you're hurting too.  My dear brother struggles with the same fears and anxieties and has led on and hurt many women as a result.

So yes please let her go.  From her perspective, even if she did sense sincerity from you and gave you another chance, could you guarantee that once she came back and moved in, the same fears wouldn't rear their ugly heads again and you'd find yet another reason to essentially bail?  

Think about it.  

Again I'm sorry and good luck moving forward.

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

So you talked her into how you can move away to work and save money to start a life together in a few years, and you change your mind once you do get the money?    And you blame all of it on your PSTD, and how she responds to you wishy-washy behavior is unacceptable. 

I hope she finds the best man who want ever give her the runaround again.  You are not it.