I found a love letter to another girl on my boyfriend's laptop. Need advice

[twinpeaks21]

I (22 y/o girl) was completing my boyfriend's (23 y/o guy) homework while he was showering and in the process of trying to airdrop a PDF to his mac, I was blindsided by his notes app uploading all of his new notes to the cloud. Because the quiz I was doing for him was timed (for 10 mins) and I was also just so blindsided and shocked, I only briefly read the first paragraph. Then I couldn't even think and went on to do his quiz and by the time he came in the room, I was just finishing up.

The note was a letter to our co-worker who he used to have a crush on in high school, he wrote the note in April 2023. The parts I saw and processed and remember said like "Dear X, I know our timing has never been right and I'm hurting so much because I have to wake up next to (my name) every morning and I think how I wish it was you.." I didn't read enough to get any more context. My brain shutdown as soon as I saw it because it was so unexpected and I didn't even want to believe it.

I haven't brought it up for 3 days now. My boyfriend has been bugging me every single day asking me if I'm okay and asking what's going on. I don't want to bring it up. I don't want to blindside him. I don't want to know the truth about the letter but I also don't want to go insane over it. It's from April and we were going through a really bad patch then and things have been really good lately and I've seen such a different side of him. I had been feeling lately like he was finally appreciating me and really cared about the big picture with me. I don't want to bring this up now.

I feel like I have to discuss it though as I'm the type of person who get's trapped in their own head. I'm a thinker. I haven't stopped thinking about it since, it's making me sick. I haven't been eating and can't clear my brain fog enough to perform my work. I feel like I have to ask him if he sent it to her. If he wrote those disrespectful things about me and sent them to her I have to know and I can't be okay with it. Or if he was just writing it to clear his head when he was mad at me, I should know that too and clarify with him that I truly am who he wants. I have no clue how to bring it up to him though. Like I don't want him to instantly break up with me or flip out because it's so out of the blue. He can get defensive when I bring up things like this. We've had issues with this girl before.

He used to say she was just his friend until I found out from her and her friends that he'd always been obsessed with her and they made me feel really bad about it-- saying stuff like "thank god you came along and got him off my back.." etc.. just making me feel like a second choice. He cut contact with her and her friends after I found out he lied to me about liking her in the past. As far as I see and hear from our mutuals, they stopped talking. But this all happened last August, and the note was from April.

I would appreciate literally any advice. I really don't trust myself on things like this as I'm very sensitive. I'm really bad at confrontation as well-- is there a way I can bring it up with opportunity for us to resolve? Is this the end? Am I overstepping for even bringing up something he wrote in private? Thanks so much

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, twinpeaks21 said:

 "Dear X, I know our timing has never been right and I'm hurting so much because I have to wake up next to (my name) every morning and I think how I wish it was you.."

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Do you both work at the same place and go to the same school? 

Has he ever dated her? Are you friends with her? Are they still in touch or seeing each other at work?

Why are you helping him cheat by doing his homework and tests? Tell him you're going to discontinue doing that and tell him you what you found in his files.

[Mike-Dra]

Hi TwinPeaks,

This is quite an unsettling occurrence. However I am sure it can also be used as a opportunity where you can discuss issues in your relationship that have been troubling to both of you. Communicating issues that are bringing you discontent in your relationship is a process in optimizing it. However you must be able to discuss the issues in a logical, civil and respectful manner…without accusations and attitude.

If you partner may find someone else attractive I do not think that should be a surprise. Do you find people other than your partner attractive? If he does find this other girl attractive perhaps it would be beneficial to discuss with him what he finds attractive about her. Are these qualities that you have or are they qualities that you can develop?

It is not uncommon for both men and women to find people other than their partners attractive. The important thing is to develop skills to handle the situation when it occurs.

From what I understand you are in the dating phase of your relationship…not married. Dating is the process of getting to know each other. This is part of the process of getting to know each other.

One thing that I will caution you about is that your boyfriend may feel uncomfortable discussing this topic with you. Also, it is a delicate topic and requires good communication skills to have a productive discussion. From your post you are 22 and he is 23. I am not sure how developed your communication skills are at this point and it may be quite awkward…However discussion of such topics are essential in relationships. The more you discuss such issues the better you become at discussing them.

 

Best of luck to you,

Mike

[boltnrun]

I feel you need to talk to him about this or it will continue to interfere in your life.

"I came across this note when I was using your computer.To be honest, it's upsetting me. Can you please tell me what your mindset was at the time you wrote it? "

[boltnrun]

Also, I agree...why are you doing his homework for him?  That is his responsibility, not yours. It's disrespectful for him to expect this from you.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Also, I agree...why are you doing his homework for him?  That is his responsibility, not yours. It's disrespectful for him to expect this from you.

Yes and in my mind I put it in a similar category with his inappropriate behavior. Basic rules and values and guidelines to live and act by - don’t apply to him right? Also couldn’t you get in trouble for doing his tests for him ?

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, twinpeaks21 said:

Dear X, I know our timing has never been right and I'm hurting so much because I have to wake up next to (my name) every morning and I think how I wish it was you.."

While I agree with @Mike-Dra that's it's normal to find others attractive while in a relationship, there is huge difference between simply finding someone attractive and literally in pain (hurting) because you're unable to wake up every morning next to said attractive person.   

If I may ask, why did you choose to remain in the relationship after discovering that note?   

I hope you answer because I'd really like to know your thought process concerning that. 

Yes, I'd feel sick too reading it and there would be NO discussion about it, I would have packed a bag and been GONE.  There is no recovering from that imo, it's insulting and debasing. 

Instead of attempting to dissect his feelings and motives, I would encourage you to look within to determine why you accepted that and remained with a man who is 'obsessed' (your friends' word) with another woman

I mean my goodness, he's in pain because he's forced to wake up with you every morning instead of the woman he's in love with, and you're worried about blindsiding him? 

He may be going through the motions with you and getting along but make no mistake, after only a few months, he's still obsessed/in love with her and that's not going away.  

Learn to respect yourself, set higher standards and start loving yourself more.

That's the first step. 

And yes please stop doing his homework and taking his tests for him.  He's not your child and you're not his mother.

I'm really sorry. 

 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, the fact that he lied about the nature of his relationship with his crush would have probably been enough for me to walk away. That’s not some finger wag about lying, I just know myself well enough to know that if I can’t trust a lover to be honest, my future would be reduced to insecurity and anxiety and always feeling a need to look over my shoulder whenever my back is turned. That’s just not the way I want to live.

So add the insult of learning that waking next to me was a misery even months after I believed that this issue was resolved, there would be nothing he could say that would be acceptable to me.

So discussing it wouldn’t be an option. I’d be too busy seeking a new address where I would quietly move without drama after a fast breakup.

My explanation for leaving would be that this isn’t working for me, and I owe him this honesty rather than waking up miserable next to him every morning.

[Kwothe28]

I would maybe let it slide if this was before you. But this was literally when he is with you. And to write how he wishes to wake up with her by his side instead of you? Yeah, that is disrespectful and unacceptable. 

This requires not only talk but immediate break up. He is literally in love with other woman. That is not something it should be tolerated and you should break up with somebody like that as there is nothing in there for you. Sorry.

[DariaM239]

Ok, so the homework thing. I've done that before once, for my ex of 6 years, but he paid me to do it cause heck no would I do it for free haha but everything else that really sucks and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Your mind must be all over the place right now but you have to confront him about it, it's going to be uncomfortable but you can't keep ignoring it. You also deserve way better. No one should ever be someone's second choice. Wishing you the best of luck! 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, twinpeaks21 said:

I was also just so blindsided and shocked, I only briefly read the first paragraph. Then I couldn't even think and went on to do his quiz and by the time he came in the room, I was just finishing up.

 

I would've let him fail the quiz and read the letter and then saved it/downloaded it.  Well actually I wouldn't be taking the quiz for him to begin with because a man not smart enough to pass on his own isn't smart enough to be with me.  

Are there no intelligent, high-quality men at your school who aren't bent on treating you like something they wouldn't wipe their ass with?  Quit being a doormat for this loser and get your life together.

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, waffle said:

Are there no intelligent, high-quality men at your school who aren't bent on treating you like something they wouldn't wipe their ass with? 

Well said. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Your BF sounds delusional to be honest. If that girl felt relief that you came into the picture while he thinks he and her always had "bad timing"... I would give him the perfect timing on his end - being newly single.

This man has lied to you before August of last year and after August of last year. Basically the whole time. And it's a huge lie. Your relationship is built upon that lie. How could you ever trust him again?

You're so young, don't you want to be with someone who's grateful to wake up next to you every day? You do deserve it and you can have it. But this is not the guy.

If you are the one afraid this relationship is over you're either in denial or have zero self-respect. Or both.
"Overstepping for bringing up something he wrote in private"? Because you accidentally read something that majorly concerns you while taking the exam instead of the giant lazy baby? No, it's not overstepping. The only question for me would be wether or not I would give him the gift of knowing why I'm leaving.

Ugly words do hurt. It's ugly he not only wrote a little love letter but the way he mentioned you in that letter. Insulting you, betraying and undermining your relationship in order to build the intensity of his undying desire for the other girl... This man doesn't even respect you, hun.

Lastly, he's either incredibly stupid or incredibly careless if you found out about it this way.

I'm sorry for the shock and hurt. In a way (that feels horrible now but you'll be thankful for later) it's better to know. Based on the information you've given, I've highlighted all the reasons I see about why I think you should leave. Sorry I may sound harsh.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, twinpeaks21 said:

I (22 y/o girl) was completing my boyfriend's (23 y/o guy) homework while he was showering .

This man has very low integrity and conscientiousness if he asks his GF to do his home work and cheat on tests. 

Lacking those things are not good. Free yourself from this. He sounds like garbage material. 

[MissCanuck]

Is there a reason he is not capable of doing his own homework? Why did you agree to that? 

It says a lot about him, actually. The love letter you found is an extension of that - he doesn't care about boundaries and operating from a place of sound ethics. He is going to do what suits him. Badmouthing you and writing any such thing to another woman (whether or not he sent it) is a very bad sign. 

11 hours ago, twinpeaks21 said:

 we were going through a really bad patch then and things have been really good lately and I've seen such a different side of him. I had been feeling lately like he was finally appreciating me and really cared about the big picture with me.

This says a lot, too. Maybe it's time you realize this isn't a relationship worth suffering for. 

I would end it, personally. You have been fighting a losing battle way too long, it seems. His heart and mind aren't really with you. 

[smackie9]

Your BF is too immature. Girl you can do way better than him. 

[SooSad33]

Looks like you haven't really replied to anything in response yet, but I will add my piece.

There have been soo many good replies to this.  And yah, I agree, you need to walk away from this now.  You're still so young & vulnerable, learning your own 'value', etc.  And to read a letter to his ex, which is ruining you tells you enough.. right?

This is where you learn self respect.  Realize you deserve someone who is ONLY into you.  Not someone who's still struggling over some gal he fancied and never got 😕 .

Then it's simple!  Be done with this one.  Heal and move on with your life 🙂 .

Is called life's experiences. We live & we learn.  I've been down this road a few times.  I can read people well enough now & know when to walk away.

Anyways, as I said, you're young & still learning.  If he is your first, yes it will sting as you feel used etc 😕 .  Sorry for that. 

But, is time to shove him aside and walk away with some self love & respect, and find yerself a more decent BF.

TC