What does it mean when a girl knows I like her but keeps getting awkward

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Jacob Chan said:

I need to clear up all her nervousness and awkwardness.

With respect, you have no clue if you're even correctly interpreting her behaviour.  

What you are hoping is awkwardness and nervousness might really just be her trying to make her distinterest obvious. Or, she might be feeling uncomfortable around you because she doesn't want you get closer to her. 

10 hours ago, Jacob Chan said:

My brother who talked to her once suggested that she was too shy and that I should break the ice next time, he also said that the way she behaves seems like a 13-year-old shy little girl because she's not seen the world and stays in her room to study and do volunteer work with elderly for 19 years of her life. Although she's smart and knowledgeable academically, but is a baby in terms of approaching relationships.

Your brother is making a lot of assumptions about a girl he spoke to once. He doesn't know what he's talking about, because he doesn't really know her. 

[Jacob Chan]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

You took a risk, which was good, asking her out. But when she cancelled and never scheduled an alternate date, that was the time to move on. I've always been shy too, but always let a guy know when I was free if I couldn't meet with him on the day he suggested.

Since you're into her, you're trying to logically explain why she is acting awkward that doesn't involve the idea that she's just not that into you.

Even if you don't say: "I'm sizing you up to see if you meet the standards of being my future wife and mother of my children." Believe me, that energy from you is coming across loud and clear, and it will scare a woman away when you're for all intents and purposes, acquaintances.

How about lightening up and making a goal of just enjoying a woman's company by living in the present? Not projecting into the future, and if you find yourselves to be compatible and having the same dating and life goals after you get past the honeymoon stage (if you even make it that far), then you can have hopes of a forever love when it gets to the one year mark and beyond.

Many in their late teens and early twenties go through many relationships before finding "the one." The human brain isn't even fully formed until around age 25, so what a person wants from the late teens to the late twenties could do a whole 360 degrees. It's why there is a higher divorce rate for people who marry under age 25.

I'd be pleasant to her whenever you encounter her at school, but would no longer initiate communication in person or on social media. Start thinking of her as just another student who is not available for you to date. If her stories popping up on your social media disrupts your ability to move on, delete her. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice.

Haha. I always dreamed of dating a girl, growing up and maturing together, walking through different life stages together and always being there for each other. But I never had the chance to do so. I know a few friends, my scout leaders, who have been with their partner since 14 and are now in their 30s married with teens, and I really envy them!

I don't even know why I look so desperate now, I had been living fine for the past 6 years without liking anyone. Thinking about what I did for the past month, I feel like a fool, chasing after nothing which I thought was something. Now that the whole picture of what has happened is clear in front of me, it's my time to feel awkward and ashamed when I meet her besties who knew exactly what happened lol.

Anyway, we're in different faculty far apart and I probably will never meet her or her friends physically again if I don't join her project. I guess that will be good for us. Haaha, her besties will surely text me to ask whether I'll be going to the next session of the project and why I am not going anymore.

But I guess overall, it's good, at least I learnt some new things. Haha, have to heal my heart from this unrequited liking now.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Jacob Chan said:

Thank you for the advice.

Haha. I always dreamed of dating a girl, growing up and maturing together, walking through different life stages together and always being there for each other. But I never had the chance to do so. I know a few friends, my scout leaders, who have been with their partner since 14 and are now in their 30s married with teens, and I really envy them!

I don't even know why I look so desperate now, I had been living fine for the past 6 years without liking anyone. Thinking about what I did for the past month, I feel like a fool, chasing after nothing which I thought was something. Now that the whole picture of what has happened is clear in front of me, it's my time to feel awkward and ashamed when I meet her besties who knew exactly what happened lol.

Anyway, we're in different faculty far apart and I probably will never meet her or her friends physically again if I don't join her project. I guess that will be good for us. Haaha, her besties will surely text me to ask whether I'll be going to the next session of the project and why I am not going anymore.

But I guess overall, it's good, at least I learnt some new things. Haha, have to heal my heart from this unrequited liking now.

Many of us have that dream but yes your approach was too intense/overwhelming.  I married at 42, my husband was 42, first marriage for both of us, had our son at age 42.  We're 57.  I started wanting to be a married mom at around age 16.  I took the long way around, I too was jealous as you describe.  I love how it worked out and yes we have one child as we weren't interested in adoption or surrogacy and my being pregnant again was far too medically risky in my particular situation.  My later in life marriage and pregnancy have true upsides and downsides. I have friends who divorced before I married (same age-ish), I was a maid of honor in 1987 for my friend who was 21 and they're still happily married (also one child).  I have other friends married since the 90s who are very unhappy.  There's no foolproof way or formula.  Certainly there are statistics about average of first marriage etc.

I was engaged to my husband when we were in our early 30s and we cancelled the wedding.  We got back together almost 8 years later.  Our plan in our early 30s was to start a family right away.  The problem is since I had such doubts -and then he did - we'd likely have been divorced and/or facing single parenting. 

Because we were apart all those years and got back together it worked the second time around.  Unusual? Sure! Did it help with my jealousy in my 20s and 30s? Nope and I'm a woman so I also had the loud ticking clock issue.  There are zero guarantees of finding a good match but I didn't give up (and no I don't buy at all "it will happen when you least expect it" even though our story had that context)  and I also didn't settle or try to force a relationship.

Good luck!

[Andrina]

Well, don't beat yourself up over making mistakes as long as you've now learned from them. I made plenty in my life, including my dating life. And as said, each person's journey as far as romantic relationships is different. One person's right could be another person's wrong. It's not one size fits all. 

I loved my college years. I wish for you the same fulfilling and fun times I had throughout the rest of your education.

[Jibralta]

On 9/29/2023 at 2:33 AM, Jacob Chan said:

What is happening? Is she interested and just feeling shy? Or she hate me and hope that I'm gone?

She's just not interested in you romantically. 

[SooSad33]

On 9/29/2023 at 2:33 AM, Jacob Chan said:

During that meeting, she was initially awkward, but as I started talking a lot in the group, she slowly attempted to engage in conversation with me, and we ended up talking one-on-one during the last 30 minutes. A week later, I sent her a long birthday message, and she responded with a simple "thank you."

IMO, if things with her seem this 'awkward', then leave her be and expect nothing.  I feel, IF she was truly into you. you'd know by now.  she seems to be too stand off-ish 😕 .  Then just stop trying.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/28/2023 at 11:33 PM, Jacob Chan said:

On the day of the project, she avoided eye contact, was continuously nervous and awkward around me. It got to the point where when I stood opposite her, she slowly turned to face the wall, and at one point, she even hid behind her friend. 

I dunno OP, when I'm really into a guy, I have behaved this^ way, in fact there were times I was so attracted to a man and was so nervous and uncomfortable, I could barely speak!  

Look, nervousness, tension is good, it means something is happening. 

When a person is NOT interested or attracted, there is no nervousness, no tension, no anxiety, no awkwardness,  none of what you described above. They're able to talk freely and comfortably, as a friend. 

I mean hiding behind her friend?  LOL

Sorry for chucking but when I was her age, when crushing on a guy, I would do same or run away.

Heck I've been known to run away from and avoid men I really liked in my 20s and 30s!  🤣 😀

It's anxiety and nervousness.

Here, it's hard to know for certain but remember things are never black and white and nerves and anxiety can affect how someone might react and behave in any given situation, even when they really REALLY like someone. 

Sometimes especially when they really like that someone. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Here, it's hard to know for certain but remember things are never black and white and nerves and anxiety can affect how someone might react and behave in any given situation, even when they really REALLY like someone. 

Sometimes especially when they really like that someone. 

She turned him down when he asked her out, so I think it's safer to say she's not interested in dating him. Even shy people won't let the opportunity they have been waiting for get away from them.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Jacob Chan said:

 have to heal my heart from this unrequited liking now.

That's ok. It's your first major crush. However free yourself to get to know all sorts of young women and date.

This way you won't get stuck on someone or have to feel they're the only woman on the planet.

You'll have plenty of time to meet and interact with and date all sorts of young women until you find someone who's into you and a good fit for you.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She turned him down when he asked her out, so I think it's safer to say she's not interested in dating him. Even shy people won't let the opportunity they have been waiting for get away from them.

Also because given his intensity and where he met her he might scare or concern her and he doesn't need her going to someone at the university for assistance, etc.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She turned him down when he asked her out, so I think it's safer to say she's not interested in dating him. Even shy people won't let the opportunity they have been waiting for get away from them.

Fair enough, and you may be right. 

All I know is that nervousness and anxiety can sometimes cause people to behave the exact opposite of how they feel. 

I'm remembering back to when I was 19, extremely shy and extremely hard to read.  Still am in my 30s, not proud to admit.

I just recently turned down a date from a man I've liked for awhile, don't ask me why.  Anxiety probably.  

But you may be right. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough, and you may be right. 

All I know is that nervousness and anxiety can sometimes cause people to behave the exact opposite of how they feel. 

I'm remembering back to when I was 19, extremely shy and extremely hard to read.  Still am in my 30s, not proud to admit.

I just recently turned down a date from a man I've liked for awhile, don't ask me why.  Anxiety probably.  

But you may be right. 

Yes and I'm sorry you were so anxious! I think you can want to go on a date and not be available either because you're in a relationship or so anxious it's just not going to happen - both means unavailable so if this woman is that anxious that she cannot get over her anxiety and go for a walk or coffee he should think of it that way. I always assumed the man was not that into me because then I moved on faster than playing at being a therapist.

[MissCanuck]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

When a person is NOT interested or attracted, there is no nervousness, no tension, no anxiety, no awkwardness,  none of what you described above. They're able to talk freely and comfortably, as a friend. 

No, this is not necessarily true. 

When you are not interested and have turned someone down, it can indeed be quite uncomfortable if you sense they are not taking a hint and still trying to get close to you. 

I have been there. I didn't want to be friends with the guy in question, and I tried to avoid him. I didn't have any desire to speak with him freely or openly, lest he get the wrong idea and think I was interested despite previously having declined his advances. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, this is not necessarily true. 

When you are not interested and have turned someone down, it can indeed be quite uncomfortable if you sense they are not taking a hint and still trying to get close to you. 

I completely agree.  

My point was that it's never black and white; human behavior especially with regard to attraction and matters of the heart never is. 

I agree with @Batya33 that no matter whether it's nervousness and anxiety OR she's not interested, the bottom line is she's not available to date at least not right now.

Best to move on.

[Capricorn3]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, this is not necessarily true. 

When you are not interested and have turned someone down, it can indeed be quite uncomfortable if you sense they are not taking a hint and still trying to get close to you. 

I have been there. I didn't want to be friends with the guy in question, and I tried to avoid him. I didn't have any desire to speak with him freely or openly, lest he get the wrong idea and think I was interested despite previously having declined his advances. 

I agree with all of the above, and speak from experience. I did all of the above.  And yes, I even did the "hide behind my friend" when I saw him approaching, hoping he didn't see me, lol. He made me feel so uncomfortable and freaked me out - he never got the hint.  Not fun.

[catfeeder]

I understand your brother meant well, but please update him that the kind of teasing he might have viewed as typical in grade school is not acceptable today and is even regarded as bullying. So taking such an approach into adulthood would only not 'work,' it's a jail sentence waiting to happen.

That said, I can appreciate your intentions, but we cannot 'force' chemistry with another person.

Speaking with others about your intentions worked against you. It fueled gossip over which you had no control. While you'd like to believe that everyone within the talk-chain kindly supported your efforts, you have no idea the degree to which she was discouraged or otherwise felt privately intimidated by anticipating any advances from you.

Going forward, keep your romantic intentions private and get to know a woman as a human being rather than as a target.

Connect with her in ways that build trust in the same manner as you would with a potential friend.

Head high, we all learn by living.

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't think this will work out.

She should have given some type of positive signals

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/29/2023 at 2:48 AM, Capricorn3 said:

OP, I have re-read your original post and, seriously, when I see your description of her behaviour it all screams of a girl who is not interested in you (sorry).  Please re-read your words below:

I would normally tend to agree, but in this particular situation from what he’s describing, she’s a sheltered religious teenager 

when I was younger I was heavily involved in the Christian church because my parents set it up that way.  It was like the complete removal of proper human interaction, all with good intention, but I remember looking back at that as an adult and realizing that neither myself nor my religious peers knew how to address emotions, feelings, social interactions, the opposite gender, etc. It was like the outside world was wrong, and everyone seemed to be taught to just “ask god” what to do, instead of consulting with self and understanding how to navigate life properly. It certainly created some sort of strange emotional isolation in people: sex wrong. Girls wrong. God good. Etc etc 

if this girl is being raised in that same type of environment, she could be feeling incredibly guilty about any sort of feelings she has towards OP. And furthermore, she may not have the tools to deal with those feelings or make sense of what’s going on inside of her.  So, she hides away, dodges him, etc.   I’ve seen this sort of behavior over and over in really sheltered folk. 
 

so, it’s possible she is into him. It’s also super possible she isn’t.  But at the end of the day, I said this in my previous response, the reason why she’s behaving like this doesn’t much matter because someone who is being dodgy in this way clearly doesn’t possess the skills to hold up their end of a functioning relationship, which is what OP says he wants. 

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

from what he’s describing, she’s a sheltered religious teenager 

That's just it - his descriptions are largely based on his own assumptions rather than fact.

He barely knows her and has decided all kinds of things about her. The same for the brother who spoke to her one time and conjured up a story about who she is and what her life experience has been. Neither of of them actually know much at all but have added their own flare that supports the fairly baseless narrative OP has created for himself about her supposed shyness and shelteredness. 

I would therefore not take OP's descriptions as fact. I don't mean to suggest he is intentionally being dishonest about her, but rather than he's describing her through a lens that's based on little solid knowledge of her. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would therefore not take OP's descriptions as fact. I don't mean to suggest he is intentionally being dishonest about her, but rather than he's describing her through a lens that's based on little solid knowledge of her.

True, but that’s what nearly everyone who makes a post here is doing.  
 

this is why I was asking him on page 1 why he is so caught up in chasing someone who he has had very minimal contact with. A stranger. Why is he so interested in someone who avoids him and seems wholly uncomfortable around him?  For me, I need to know someone to know whether or not I like them.  
 

But back to the point - Him saying she seems awkward etc is also him relaying info filtered through his lens. Whatever mannerisms she has around him could be due to a myriad of different emotions.  At the end of the day none of us know what’s in her head, only she knows that. Human behavior, while I do think it can be studied and categorized into larger group subsets, it’s also complex. 
 

I think his best bet is to look inward at his own motivations and pursue someone who doesn’t make him guess at where she stands or what her interest level is. That way the engagement between him and the other person becomes fact-based   

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I completely agree.  

My point was that it's never black and white; human behavior especially with regard to attraction and matters of the heart never is. 

I agree with @Batya33 that no matter whether it's nervousness and anxiety OR she's not interested, the bottom line is she's not available to date at least not right now.

Best to move on.

I don't think anyone here is saying human behavior is black and white. I'm not -that's just silly - I think generally people who are relatively typical and stable move towards pleasure and away from pain.  People like me are giving input on whether to go there with gray areas or remote possibilities in this particular situation.  I have zero input on human behavior generally -for one thing it's not my field of study or my job.  

Today I was starving after my workout so I moved quickly to get my coffee and breakfast ready so I could have the immense pleasure of the awesome meal I make for myself.  When I had an eating disorder 40 years ago or so I'd have gotten more pleasure -or moved towards - remaining in a starving condition as some sort of challenge.

Similar here.  So if a person is so desperately shy they find they simply cannot ask for a date or accept a date they get more pleasure out of staying in their comfort zone and are not available to date -with rare exceptions. 

In this situation I think he should assume -especially since he doesn't want to face disciplinary issues let's say at his university -that she does not wish to go on a date with him -she's a typical human being and would get more pleasure over saying No Thanks than Yes.  The rest becomes overanalysis and playing tricks in one's head "oh .... she wants me she's just shy!! -how cute that she stumbled and stammered when I was in her presence before making an excuse to hightail it out of there -cause she wants me!!" 

 

[Batya33]

When my future husband asked me to get back together it took me 30-60 seconds to respond.  Because I was scared.  Scared that we'd mess up again and face heartache and the disappointment again, and also just digesting what he'd just said (which I'd hoped he would for weeks and at around 1am sitting on his sofa -he did -and it was simple but intense!).  So I stammered a bit - probably blurted out something about being nervous and then I simply said "yes." 

Because if you choose the person over fear the way is then clear and simple and succint.  After yes came the details -but once it's yes - and yes like that -the two people are secure that there's no huge disclaimer, there's no self-sabotage crap like "oh but you deserve better than me!" or "I mean are you sure???"

And choosing to go on one date is simpler than "want to get back together and be long distance so we can see if we get married and make a baby?" For some sure it seems insurmountable -it's scary for really shy people to say yes or ask - but like my really really shy husband did in July 1995 when he stammered "want to have lunch next week?" he chose me over fear. Human behavior is not black and white -what I wrote I believe is generally true with some remote exceptions. 

When I dated I tried to avoid the remote exceptions because of the risk of wasting time and foregoing other opportunities. So if my husband had said in August 2005 (as one of his friends advised) "do you want to stay in touch over the next few months and see each other when I'm back in town" I likely would have said no thanks.  Or "I don't think we should stay in touch but yes call me when you're back in town and maybe we can meet up again".  Because I wasn't going to get hung up on some guy who didn't want to date me -yet based on some remote chance.  He was 38 and I'd just turned 39.  No thanks! 

[Jacob Chan]

On 9/30/2023 at 3:35 AM, MissCanuck said:

With respect, you have no clue if you're even correctly interpreting her behaviour.  

What you are hoping is awkwardness and nervousness might really just be her trying to make her distinterest obvious. Or, she might be feeling uncomfortable around you because she doesn't want you get closer to her. 

Your brother is making a lot of assumptions about a girl he spoke to once. He doesn't know what he's talking about, because he doesn't really know her. 

Yes. I know he is making a lot of assumptions and doesn't know her well, that's why I deliberately mentioned they've only met once.

[Jacob Chan]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I dunno OP, when I'm really into a guy, I have behaved this^ way, in fact there were times I was so attracted to a man and was so nervous and uncomfortable, I could barely speak!  

Look, nervousness, tension is good, it means something is happening. 

When a person is NOT interested or attracted, there is no nervousness, no tension, no anxiety, no awkwardness,  none of what you described above. They're able to talk freely and comfortably, as a friend. 

I mean hiding behind her friend?  LOL

Sorry for chucking but when I was her age, when crushing on a guy, I would do same or run away.

Heck I've been known to run away from and avoid men I really liked in my 20s and 30s!  🤣 😀

It's anxiety and nervousness.

Here, it's hard to know for certain but remember things are never black and white and nerves and anxiety can affect how someone might react and behave in any given situation, even when they really REALLY like someone. 

Sometimes especially when they really like that someone. 

 

Hahahaa. Sounds cute, and I really hope this is the case. But for now, I'll stay away from her and see how things go first. Seems like my friend is interested in joining the same project as her, and asked me to join him. But even if I go back, I'll probably leave her alone, acting like I've never liked her before. Won't initiate any communication or look at her unless she initiates it. Thanks for sharing!

[Jacob Chan]

14 hours ago, Andrina said:

She turned him down when he asked her out, so I think it's safer to say she's not interested in dating him. Even shy people won't let the opportunity they have been waiting for get away from them.

My younger sister, 20F, behaves really similarly to her, sheltered and shy as well (totally wild in front of me though). That's why before I actually asked the girl out, I asked my sister about that. My sister shared with me that even if she likes the boy who asked her out, she'll never go out one-on-one with the boy if they've only met for a few days, in my case, it was 4-whole days of camp. She further added that one-on-one interaction in a group meeting is ideal.

That's why I thought it was only normal for the girl to turn me down and suggest meeting in a group setting, which was totally what she did. And during the group-setting meeting, she initiated conversation one-on-one, although she looked awkward at the beginning. 

This is totally in line with whatever my sister has told me. As such, I continue to follow her to the project she's in, or else we'll never meet again after the camp. And when I attended the project session, she started becoming so weird.