What do people mean when they say: if you like someone, you aren’t their friend

[NighttimeNightmare]

Why is this a common saying? “If you have feelings for someone, then you aren’t their friend.” What? What do people typically mean when they say that?

 

are they assuming the person with feelings is waiting in the wings for their chance, as opposed to being genuine?  Are they assuming the persons ‘crush/obsession’ came first and then they tried to push for a connection under the guise of “friendship” to the unsuspecting party?   Because in those two cases, I would agree that isn’t being a true friend. 
 

However, if that’s not what people mean, then I don’t understand. It’s very possible to have an authentic friendship with someone and then over time feelings develop while maintaining being a decent and genuine person. Do people think the friendship is lost once there are feelings? 

[Seraphim]

The mean it is a romantic relationship not a friendship . 

[Cherylyn]

Some people don't consider relationship material as friendship material.  They don't want to mesh the two.  They prefer separate categories. 

Friendship isn't lost.  It graduates toward a relationship if that's the direction it's going.

[Wiseman2]

People are terrified of the dreaded friend zone and don't want to be viewed as "orbiters". The "can men and women be friends?" argument will be around forever depending on who you ask. 

As you mentioned there are 2 different scenarios. One where people develop feelings for an existing friend and the other is trying the "friends first" angle to try to date someone.

So yes it depends. Both could be awkward. But perhaps the second scenario more so in that there's a hidden agenda.

[Coily]

It's kind of an over simplification of the idea that if you want a relationship with someone, then you aren't acting as their friend, but as someone who wants to catch the attention of your crush.

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

What do people typically mean when they say that?

I mean exactly what I say by that. And that is that if you have romantic feelings for somebody you arent true friend. But just somebody with the crush on the other person. You can be friends, but you arent exactly one. For example, you having a feelings for the other person complicates things. If the person is free and you confess, it might ruin friendship. In a way that you will either be in a relationship(so you wouldnt exactly be just friends) with that person if feelings are reciprocitated, or they will reject you and you probably wont be very good friends again. Same if they have somebody. It complicates stuff even more because you are disguising as friend while you would probably wish for other person to broke up and be with you. Friends dont do stuff like that because you are suppose to genuinly be glad for your friend. Not secretly wishing for them to be with you. If you think that you are the best solution for them, you wont exactly be happy that they are with somebody else. See how complicated it is and why it isnt a genuine friendship?

Friends, true friends, dont have romantic feelings toward each other. Because the near thought of them being with each other is proposterous. They see you as their sibling. For example, lots of friendzones work on the same principle you quoted there, where one person wishes more but the other see them as their best friend and nothing more then that. There is no genuine friendship there. And genuine friendships sometimes surpase even relationships or even marriages. Because they come and go but you have friends for life.

I am not saying that you cant be a friend to the other person. Because you certanly can. You can talk, have fun with them, even help them in trouble and all the stuff friends do. However, if romantic feelings get involved, your motives there change. Because you would actually want to be with that person, and not just be friend. And as Ive explained, that changes a lot.

[Lambert]

It means you have ulterior motives. You're not acting out of friendship.  You're motivated to do things in the hope that the other person will like you back.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

The mean it is a romantic relationship not a friendship . 

To me it depends on the strength of the feelings - a mild romantic interest or feelings of mild attraction don't often pose an issue in a friendship.  If the feelings are strong then you can't be a supportive good friend if the platonic friend is in a romantic relationship or trying to date -the bias will be too strong and interfere with being a true friend.

When my husband and I reconnected for a platonic catch up dinner we both felt sparks and again the second and third time despite not acting on them.  Had he asked me to stay in touch as friends I wouldn't have been able to as the feelings were too strong for me to be able to be his friend, hear about who he was dating or trying to date, etc.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me it depends on the strength of the feelings - a mild romantic interest or feelings of mild attraction don't often pose an issue in a friendship.  If the feelings are strong then you can't be a supportive good friend if the platonic friend is in a romantic relationship or trying to date -the bias will be too strong and interfere with being a true friend.

Yes. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Do people think the friendship is lost once there are feelings? 

Not necessarily.  The friendship isn't lost, if it were lost, that's a pretty shallow friendship imo.

I do think the friendship would change though.  Not talking as much or spending as much time together.  Not as much closeness. 

Maintaining that type of friendship connection would simply be too painful for the one with the feelings. 

The friendship is still there though.  You don't toss aside a genuine friend just because you developed feelings.

I've fallen in love with you so I can't be your friend anymore?  That's pretty selfish imo.  Nor does it make sense if the person truly was a genuine friend. 

The friendship simply changes.  

 

 

[catfeeder]

I think of friends as equals without an agenda beyond the friendship. If one develops an emotional attachment without altering their behavior or their motives for continuing the friendship, then there’s no pressure on the other to operate beyond the scope of the original friendship, and the friendship can be maintained.

However, if one develops feelings for the other and begins an hidden attempt to convert the friend into a lover, that’s not a friendship, it’s an agenda.

One friend can outwardly propose an agenda to the other, such as sex, a romantic relationship, a business proposition, a service contract, whatever. If the friend agrees, then equality is retained and the friendship can be expanded to include the agenda.

But if either friend operates a hidden agenda to manipulate the other person’s trust in the friendship to satisfy that agenda, then that’s no longer a friendship, it’s something else.

[kehratha]

I am a woman and always had male friends. But it was purely platonic, never had any physical attraction towards them, always saw them like my brothers. 

I've never been friend with a man I romantically/sexually liked. I could not imagine to be his confident, when it comes for ladies he likes, for example  .

So, I guess the meaning of what people say is that if you are attracted to someone and choose to be their friend (because they are not attracted to you and they don't want more than a friendship with you) you just suck it up, being there not to necessarily support them or hang out, but waiting for them to change their mind about you (unfortunately never really happen).

[Batya33]

It's in the movies that it works -St. Elmos Fire - group of post-college buddies - a couple who are on the splits for awhile and the male "friend" of both then confesses his feelings to the woman, sex in the shower, he tells her he loves her etc and she says -no it was just sex- paraphrasing. She ultimately goes back to the bf - and by the end of the movie they're all reconciled and friends.  It's a great movie.  I think it's remote at best that this could work out in real life.

I think it's a very deep and genuine friendship when someone says "I've fallen in love with you./I want to date you/I'm extremely attracted to you." I know I can't be your friend in a genuine way and wish you well as you pursue others, fall in love with others so I need to back off for my best interests and for yours."

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's a very deep and genuine friendship when someone  fallen in love with you./I want to date you/I'm extremely attracted to you." I know I can't be your friend in a genuine way and wish you well as you pursue others, fall in love with others so I need to back off for my best interests and for yours."

I agree with this^ but if you were to discover that she/he were hurt or experiencing a serious issue or grieving over the loss of a loved one or became seriously ill themselves, would you not extend yourself as a friend?  

To clarify, that's what I meant by the friendship changing not necessarily ending.

You're still their friend for all intents and purposes but from a distance.

I know I would be anyway.

I've had good friends since grammar school and did experience this many years ago when one good friend and I traveled through Europe together. 

She expressed feelings for me when we returned.  I didn't reciprocate those feelings so we distanced for a while but I never abandoned the friendship are still good friends to this day. 

She's straight by the way, and now happily married.  It was just a strange period for both of us back then. 

Different strokes....

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this^ but if that person you fell in love with came to you hurt or with a serious issue or grieving over the loss of a loved one or became seriously ill themselves, would you not extend yourself as a friend?  

To clarify, that's what I meant by the friendship changing not necessarily ending.

You're still their friend for all intents and purposes but from a distance.

I know I would be anyway. 

I would be there in an emergency.  I would not continue to be a regularly in touch close friend.  I have a different definition of friendship and being there for someone in an emergency from a distance to me is not the same as being regularly in touch as a close friend which I would not do. If it was a serious issue it would depend what it was and what my role would be. If I knew someone was attracted like that to me and was keeping their distance I would not approach them with a serious issue as to me that's overstepping and not being a good friend.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have a different definition of friendship...

Fair enough Bat, different strokes and all that. :))

 

[boltnrun]

I had to end a friendship with a man I'd considered a close friend because he Would Not Stop suggesting we start dating. Even though I had as kindly as possible explained I did not see him in a romantic way.

People said "oh, give him a chance, he's a great guy!" And yes, he was indeed. But how fair would it have been for me to try to pretend I was attracted to him when I just wasn't? Doesn't a "great guy" deserve a woman who's truly into him? Not one who's trying to be into him? 

But he kept bringing it up. The last straw was when I went to his home to watch Nascar while visiting his town (to see my family, not to see him). First he suggested I cancel my hotel room and stay with him, which I declined. Then he kept insisting on giving me a massage. I said no. More than once. Then he left the living room and came back with a bottle of baby oil, ordering me "Take off your top." That's when I stood up and said I was leaving and that I was upset about the level of disrespect he was showing me. I unfriended him on Facebook and never spoke to him again. He was angry and called me but I knew he would demand to know why I had unfriended him so I didn't pick up. He blocked me that day and that was the end. 

It's a shame, but I couldn't remain friends with someone who clearly didn't know how to take "no" for an answer.

And that's why I don't try to be friends with someone I'm attracted to or who has indicated they're attracted to me. It just gets too messy and uncomfortable.

[NighttimeNightmare]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

"I've fallen in love with you./I want to date you/I'm extremely attracted to you." I know I can't be your friend in a genuine way and wish you well as you pursue others, fall in love with others so I need to back off for my best interests and for yours."

See but this is what is weird to me

how are people jumping from “I have feelings” to “therefore I can’t be genuine”???

 

As I said in the OP: I can grasp how if having feelings means the person ends up waiting in the wings, or holds ulterior motives.. then it isn’t genuine, sure. That I do agree with and I’m certain there are people out there who do things like this. In fact, I’d wager a bet that most people do things like this. I know I wouldn’t consider someone a friend if she began trying to get with me. 
 

but not everyone who catches feelings waits in the wings, or has some sort of manipulative agenda they begin to participate in. 

so I think in some cases you can have feelings and be a genuine friend.  I’m not grasping how it’s automatically no longer genuine 

 

[boltnrun]

A genuine friend would be genuinely happy if their friend met someone and fell in love. They wouldn't feel jealous or sad or wish it were them instead of the other person.  It wouldn't hurt to see the two of them together.

The man I mentioned before kept talking crap about the guy I was in a relationship with, saying he wasn't worth dating and that I should date him instead. That wasn't a friend. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

See but this is what is weird to me

how are people jumping from “I have feelings” to “therefore I can’t be genuine”???

 

As I said in the OP: I can grasp how if having feelings means the person ends up waiting in the wings, or holds ulterior motives.. then it isn’t genuine, sure. That I do agree with and I’m certain there are people out there who do things like this. In fact, I’d wager a bet that most people do things like this. I know I wouldn’t consider someone a friend if she began trying to get with me. 
 

but not everyone who catches feelings waits in the wings, or has some sort of manipulative agenda they begin to participate in. 

so I think in some cases you can have feelings and be a genuine friend.  I’m not grasping how it’s automatically no longer genuine 

 

I don’t believe in “catching “ feelings. It’s  not an illness and you feel what you feel and choose how to react. I didn’t write what you wrote in this post. If you read my comment it depends on the strength of the feelings and attraction plus context to a lesser extent.  
Nothing automatic. No one wrote that either. You’re taking most of these opinions to extremes.  I take from that you’d like to have close friendships where you have a strong romantic attraction and would be open to exploring that attraction of the woman was into it. You think if she is not you can still be genuinely close despite strong romantic feelings and attraction. And perhaps hang around partly because you’re holding out hope. To me that scenario is not a genuine friendship on your end. Or on hers if she knows how strongly you feel. 

[boltnrun]

I think "catching feelings" is just one of those terms the young people use these days. I find it similar (although less amusing) to the British phrase "fell pregnant" (which never makes sense to me, no one "fell" and falling isn't the way one becomes pregnant!) 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think "catching feelings" is just one of those terms the young people use these days. I find it similar (although less amusing) to the British phrase "fell pregnant" (which never makes sense to me, no one "fell" and falling isn't the way one becomes pregnant!) 

Yes. I often find it used when it’s a woman explaining why her sexual arrangement isn’t working out. I find it too passive. Like oh well can’t help it I caught feelings. And yes fell pregnant is problematic for other reasons. For the OP it’s a phrase suggesting that you can’t help it. I agree. You can’t help how you feel. When it comes to navigating friendships very often it has to do with how you react to what you feel whether romantic or otherwise. 

[rainbowsandroses]

'Catching feelings' is a colloquialism used by both young people and not so young people.  It simply means developing feelings.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think in some cases you can have feelings and be a genuine friend.  I’m not grasping how it’s automatically no longer genuine.

I completely agree.  Like with the story I posted earlier about my good friend since grammar school who caught (developed) feelings for me when we traveled together through Europe.

I didn't feel the same but she still remained my good friend and our friendship was completely genuine and still is to this day. 

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Catching feelings' is a colloquialism used by both young people and not so young people.  It simply means developing feelings.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

To me it's too easy to use it in the "I couldn't help it" because it likens it to an illness. On its own sure it's fine.  My "entitlement" not to like the connotation.  Just like I would never say "she fell pregnant".  Sometimes it's not just semantics IMO.  In the context of this post the OP took it to an extreme as if if he "caught feelings" there could never be a friendship.  I don't agree with that extreme.

[boltnrun]

My best friend's other best friend was talking to the guy my best friend was dating on her behalf in an attempt to help their relationship. The other best friend and the guy ended up "catching feelings" for one another and started dating, leaving my best friend out in the cold. It was not a good situation.

I would say these things happen frequently. But I never have "caught feelings" for a platonic male friend.