What do people mean when they say: if you like someone, you aren’t their friend

[Silly Metal Latina]

No I don’t think the friendship is lost if one of the parties develops feelings. I have a guy friend that I have very strong feelings for but he’s still my friend.

I did not enter into friendship with the intent of us becoming more than friends. I didn’t have ulterior motives. My feelings for him developed gradually over time as I got to know him better. 

So no I think you can genuinely be a friend with someone and still have feelings for them. It does complicate things though!

[Silly Metal Latina]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My best friend's other best friend was talking to the guy my best friend was dating on her behalf in an attempt to help their relationship. The other best friend and the guy ended up "catching feelings" for one another and started dating, leaving my best friend out in the cold. It was not a good situation.

I would say these things happen frequently. But I never have "caught feelings" for a platonic male friend. 

Oh my gosh, that is a really awkward situation!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Silly Metal Latina said:

No I don’t think the friendship is lost if one of the parties develops feelings. I have a guy friend that I have very strong feelings for but he’s still my friend.

I did not enter into friendship with the intent of us becoming more than friends. I didn’t have ulterior motives. My feelings for him developed gradually over time as I got to know him better. 

So no I think you can genuinely be a friend with someone and still have feelings for them. It does complicate things though!

I've had  that happen too - platonic friend then "caught feelings" -in one case we started dating.  In another case I was going to talk to him about it  -about us potentially dating -went to his house (to hang out as was typical) and ended up realizing it was better to stay friends and I could easily deal with the feelings -he wasn't right for me for a relationship - I felt no jealous feelings years later when he met his future wife although by then we no longer were in close touch.  I'm glad it worked out for you!

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Silly Metal Latina said:

I think you can genuinely be a friend with someone and still have feelings for them.

How would you feel if he started dating someone and wanted to introduce her to you? Would you feel bad if they kissed and held hands in front of you?

[Silly Metal Latina]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

How would you feel if he started dating someone and wanted to introduce her to you? Would you feel bad if they kissed and held hands in front of you?

Of course it will hurt if he chooses someone other than me. But he deserves to be happy no matter who he chooses. How would I feel if they kissed in front of me? I couldn’t answer that until it happened.

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

A genuine friend would be genuinely happy if their friend met someone and fell in love. They wouldn't feel jealous or sad or wish it were them instead of the other person.  It wouldn't hurt to see the two of them together.

Exactly. If the friendship was genuine then you’d want the best for that person even if it meant it wasn’t with you (who had the feelings) anything less than that is selfish, and to be genuine in your care for someone you’d have to want the best for them, and you would be happy to see them thriving, whatever that meant for them.

 

I think the problem is most people “love” in a very selfish way.  So when they say they “have feelings” or a “crush,” or are “in love” - whatever their term of choice may be - what they tend to mean is, “I want you at all cost, to fulfill my desires and what I want you to be for me.”

 

meh, that’s the opposite of love IMHO. It’s not the way a genuine friend, short of motives, would operate. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Silly Metal Latina said:

No I don’t think the friendship is lost if one of the parties develops feelings. I have a guy friend that I have very strong feelings for but he’s still my friend.

I did not enter into friendship with the intent of us becoming more than friends. I didn’t have ulterior motives. My feelings for him developed gradually over time as I got to know him better. 

So no I think you can genuinely be a friend with someone and still have feelings for them. It does complicate things though!

This is 100% my own belief system and experience in life; actually, your thread was in part what prompted me to post this question.  It seemed you want reality to unfold as it will… whatever that means. It’s the same in my own life. And I found that at odds with the responses people tend to give about how there’s no way someone in this situation is “a real friend.”
 

I was recently with a friend the other evening, first time seeing her in awhile, and the chemistry/good vibe was immediately present and natural, as it always is when we are together. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d develop feelings for this person, but I have. 

i didn’t meet her with an agenda, and I still don’t have an agenda, these feelings naturally occurred over the span of almost a year.  Things are just easy with her, so I’m more likely to devote my time to her over others, but never once has there been motive attached to that: I never thought, “hmm if I do xyz I’ll be able to get with her!” I’ve never been waiting in the wings, that feels gross. 
 

… but yet it’s almost this assumption society makes, and a canned response that they give.  But I think it is possible to have feelings and maintain a genuine friendship. 
 

My goal in friendships is never to steer anyone a certain way, but to help encourage them to be their most authentic selves. And I do the same with this friend whom I caught feelings for. She can pursue whoever she wants and I’ll encourage it because that’s her most authentic self, the self we all should be striving for in our own lives. 

I just never understood how someone could want to force someone or manipulate someone into being with them.  If you’re really a friend you will support your friend in what they choose to do and who they choose to be with  

I can understand how it might sting a bit to watch them form a life with someone else, but you’d accept reality for what it is and be happy that they are happy 

[Batya33]

I find it selfless to say to a friend - in this situation I need to keep my distance - I am happy for you but I find myself falling for you and I'm afraid I might even unintentionally say the wrong thing when you talk about your (new girlfriend/fiancee, wedding plans, etc).  For example my female friend was married to a man who ended up being a thief/embezzler/forger -and he forged her name to get $$$ for his business.  She kept on making excuses for his behavior and blaming "the system" etc when he'd stolen $ and defrauded people.

My feelings about this were quite intense -I couldn't stomach it or her enabling. And how he treated her. I told her I didn't want to hear about it anymore because I was too biased about the situation.  My telling her to leave him etc would have fallen on deaf ears at that time.

Same with strong romantic feelings -it's normal and understandable if the person then starts dating someone else you're likely not going to be able to be genuinely present and happy for the person coming home from a date and dishing about all the details It's human, not selfish.  J

ust like I used to tell my son with his hot wheels toy car collection - when  you play with other children you do have to share but you don't have to share your very favorite one and it's ok to say that and give them a choice from the others. 

Not because he's a kid because it's human not to want to share the very favorite unless there are extraordinary circumstances -it's not "selfish" it's recognizing limits based on human emotions.  We distance ourselves once we realize we're very attracted to a platonic friend because while it's "possible" to tamp down the feelings and be present it's not treating ourselves with enough respect and trying to pretend all the time to be someone we aren't.

Example -if you and  your spouse were desperately trying to conceive and kept having miscarriages and lost pregnancies would it be selfish to decline right after such a loss going to a friend's house to meet their newborn baby? There are times couples don't share about such a loss so the new parent might not be aware and extend the invite but saying "we're so thrilled for you and congratulations but it's just too much right now to be around your new baby given our loss and honestly I can't tell you when we'll be up to it so for now we have to keep our distance."  And it would be totally OK IMO not to feel "happy" right then for the friend. 

It's not just romantic feelings that can make a friendship have to shift or even end.  And depending on the circumstances I don't think it's selfish.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

NN, for the record, I agree with you. 

I don't ditch good friends for any reason including this.

Distance myself at times, yes.  As I did with my best friend when she admitted to catching feelings for me when we traveled together. 

The distance was for each of us to recalibrate.  We'd been friends since the third grade and her suddenly catching feelings for me while we traveled together, sharing everything 24/7, through us both for a loop.

But the friendship was always there and still very much genuine and sincere.  And we were always there for each other when and where it counted. 

Eventually we got back to where we were; she fell and love with a man and got married.  As did I as well. 

I don't think there's a right or wrong.

The decision to walk away from a friendship OR remain friends (genuinely) should one of you develop feelings is such a personal choice and dependant on many things including how strong the friendship was to begin with.

 

[Batya33]

I've never ditched a friend except when I was in a toxic situation or badly treated.  How awful to characterize ending a friendship based on strong romantic feelings as somehow "ditching" that friend.    I have ended a friendship, distanced myself, created boundaries. I think a person who is strongly attracted sexually to another person cannot be a good and genuine and supportive friend to that person with rare exception. That person is doing what is best under the circumstances not "ditching" anyone in a cold way.  I feel that way about other situations -where the core values of one of the persons radically shifts or the other examples I gave above.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. I think self-honesty is paramount here and depends on the circumstances.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think there's a right or wrong.

Totally agree.  See below.

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't think there's a right or wrong.

The decision to walk away from a friendship OR remain friends (genuinely) should one of you develop feelings is such a personal choice and dependant on many things including how strong the friendship was to begin with.

My apologies for my use of the word "ditch" versus "walking away" as I did in my last paragraph quoted above. 

Poor phrasing and I meant no offense by it.  :))

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree.  See below.

My apologies for my use of the word "ditch" versus "walking away" as I did in my last paragraph quoted above. 

Poor phrasing and I meant no offense by it.  :))

 

I mean I know what you meant AND I take my friendship’s seriously.  

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean I know what you meant AND I take my friendship’s seriously.  

No one said you didn't take your friendships seriously Bat, I certainly didn't. 

My response was to @NighttimeNightmareand I was generalizing. 

Again, apologies if I offended. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No one said you didn't take your friendships seriously Bat, I certainly didn't. 

My response was to @NighttimeNightmareand I was generalizing. 

Again, apologies if I offended. 

 

You're fine no worries.  Obviously some people can handle strong romantic feelings for a platonic friend and be supportive as that friend seeks love and dating and relationships elsewhere.  It doesn't mean that person is stronger or a beter friend- sometimes  that person is simply settling for the other person's presence in their lives and lacks the self esteem or self-respect to honor their own needs/feelings.  Sometimes that person truly is able to accept the reality and want badly to be there for the person even if it is platonic only.  

If when my husband and I reconnected it ended up being one sided and he only wanted a platonic friendship as much as I cared a lot about him and we had such history I would have said no.  I wouldn't have needed to watch him pursue other women - I would have known I couldn't handle it.  And couldn't be his platonic friend. I would not have felt like I was a bad friend or ditching him  -I would have felt like a normal human.

[AndieA]

I have never heard that!