Invited to a cookout but you're asked to bring what?

[Snowed23]

A little more than a month ago my siblings and I had a big cookout for my parents.  Their 63 or so wedding anniversary was coming up.  Dad was turning 86 in Aug and Mom will be turning 80 in Sept.  So we have one big gathering and invites a ton of family and friends and a lot of people from our old neighborhood who are still living and around their age.  Ok, last week or so my sister sends out a text to say that she wants to have another smaller cookout for mom this month since she is turning 80.  Again, we just had the big shin-dig last month for her.  But this time it was just going to be immediate family and a few close friends.  We were told to just bring whatever we wanted to throw on the grill. Ok, this week my sister starts sending out a menu of what she wants everyone to bring.  She told me to bring some turkey burgers.  Wait a minute, I don't eat turkey burgers so why am I bringing them?  I was going to make me and my wife a few burgers and maybe take a steak or two for us.  If my memory serves me correctly my 40 year old some odd nephew and my brother in law are the only ones who eat turkey burgers.  So has this changed from a BYOM (bring your own meat) affair to there being an actual menu and everyone is bringing something for everyone else?  The cookout is tomorrow and she just told me what to bring today.  I don't know who all she has invited so how many turkey burgers do I buy/bring?  Right now I know of just my nephew and his dad.  What if I only bring 6 burgers and 8 people want one?  But then again, if I bring enough for 10 or 12 people and they are the only two to eat them I would feel that's a waste of my money OR I'm just buying meat for them afterwards.  Stocking their fridge so to speak.  

 

I guess my thing is this.  If you're having a cookout and you don't eat beef or you have dietary restrictions would it be customary that you bring your own food to put on the grill?  I have a niece who is vegan, would it be wrong to ask her to bring hotdogs or burgers?  

 

Am I wrong to question why I'm bringing something I don't even eat?  No, this isn't a situation of "try them,, you might like them."  I'm not going to try them because I want a beef burger.  And who is bringing the beef burgers?  Chances are it won't be my nephew or brother in law . . . since they don't eat them.

 

You feel me?

[Seraphim]

No, I don’t feel that. I wouldn’t begrudge a family gathering a $25 box of burgers . 

[Starlight925]

I would just bring the turkey burgers for 10 people and call it a day.

Some things are just not worth the energy they take to analyze.

My brother & his wife invite me to their house all the time.  They go through ice like no one you've ever seen.  For years, I know the drill:  I'll get a text asking me to stop for a 10-lb bag of ice.  They actually have a stand-alone cooler full of ice already, but my extra last-minute bag will be used up by the end of the evening.  By my brother alone.  Don't ask.

I use one small handful.  Or none.  I still stop, bring the large, ice cold, wet bag of ice on my way.  Because some things are just not worth the energy.

[boltnrun]

Bring a dozen turkey burgers and however many beef burgers you want for yourself and your wife/kids.

I am violently allergic to nuts. I am tasked with bringing desserts to the family Christmas gathering each year. I bring a few different desserts including ones with nuts even though I would die if I ate them. I also bring a vegan dessert for my niece. I just eat the ones I can eat. 🤷‍♀️No big deal. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Bring a dozen turkey burgers and however many beef burgers you want for yourself and your wife/kids.

I am violently allergic to nuts. I am tasked with bringing desserts to the family Christmas gathering each year. I bring a few different desserts including ones with nuts even though I would die if I ate them. I also bring a vegan dessert for my niece. I just eat the ones I can eat. 🤷‍♀️No big deal. 

Yup, I am diabetic and can only eat meat and veggies. I bring whatever they ask for . 

[Wiseman2]

Bring potato salad. It's usually a big hit. Keep in mind this is not the only meal people will be eating all day. If they want beef or vegan or whatever they can eat at home before or after.

[boltnrun]

If I'm going to a cookout or a family gathering I do not eat before or after except for maybe a small bowl of cereal for breakfast.

I love my family and can't fathom telling them "if you want a turkey burger get one for yourself later".

[itsallgrand]

If you really can't afford it, sure mention that. But if you are getting steak I think you are ok no? 

I'd bring the turkey burgers and any special thing you want to guarantee is there. My SO is vegan, we always bring something vegan in case. Sometimes there's something there for him, other times there hasn't been. You just roll with it. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I agree you’re making a hill of beans over a non issue (pun intended for the vegans or vegetarians here ). We used to go to a specific family friend for all holidays.  I was asked typically to bring either a tray of veggies or a fresh fruit salad. I eat both but doubted I’d partake for my own reasons. I simply did it. Never questioned whether it was what my family would like or eat at that particular meal.  To me it was simply my family’s contribution. 

[Andrina]

I would give your sister a call and straighten everything out with her for clarification. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but of course you can give your opinion if it won't cause a rift. If this is going to cause bottled up anger against her, best to speak up and tell her you preferred the original plan.

[Cherylyn]

Is it really worth the fight and family discord? 🙄 Be a good sport.  Bring the turkey burgers. 🦃 It's just one day.  Perhaps bring some extra Tupperware and ask your sister if you can bring home some leftovers for you and your wife to eat later.  🍽️

Pick your battles.  😒

[mylolita]

Hey OP!

 

This is cheeky, from a hosts point of view. 
 

Just bring what you want to eat, and if she asks, apologise and say you forgot.

 

It’s a BBQ for Pete’s sake - let’s enjoy steak and burgers and if anyone wants to deviate from the norm, they should organise it themselves! 
 

x

[mylolita]

I would never ask a guest to bring anything, but as a guest, you should never turn up somewhere empty handed. 
 

There are unspoken etiquette rules and some seem to contradict - unless, I’m in Great Britain here 🇬🇧 and don’t know whether host and guest etiquette is different in the USA! 

 

x

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I would never ask a guest to bring anything, but as a guest, you should never turn up somewhere empty handed. 
 

There are unspoken etiquette rules and some seem to contradict - unless, I’m in Great Britain here 🇬🇧 and don’t know whether host and guest etiquette is different in the USA! 

 

x

Oh I see- I never come empty handed and I ask if there's a particular thing I can bring (and no I wouldn't ask a guest to bring anything at all)  but if it's organized as a pot luck that's different -then everyone is expected to bring something and there may even be  a sign up sheet etc.  I always assumed you brought something to share with others.

[Lambert]

Considering this is your sister, you could probably say,  "ok. you originally said, bring what I plan to grill. but I can swing some turkey burgers."

Serious question, what is the real problem?

You can't afford a box of burgers you don't plan to eat? 

Your sister is on your nerves? 

The late notice? 

You sound rather petty with a lot of details about what boils down to giving someone turkey burgers. What's the real problem? 

[boltnrun]

My family Christmas gathering is always a pot luck.  There are about 20 of us and we wouldn't dream of expecting the hosts to feed all of us and we provide nothing.  Each of us is asked to bring a particular item.  It just got to be tradition that I bring the desserts.  I don't just bring what I like.  I think of everyone who'll be there and try to figure out what they'd like (for example, one cousin loves cheesecake, another loves chocolate and my brother loves apple pie).  I bring the apple pie even though I personally don't like it.  I can't imagine telling my brother "If you want apple pie YOU bring it!  I'm bringing what I like and if you don't like it, too bad."

My cousin recently hosted a BBQ and while she didn't specifically ask us to bring anything I immediately asked "what can I bring?"  And she suggested a side dish so I baked cornbread and biscuits which went well with the BBQ chicken and ribs someone else grilled. I didn't think only of what I would want.

Anyway, I still stand by my suggestion which was to bring a pack of 10 or 12 turkey burgers and whatever you would like to eat such as beef burgers or steaks.  I don't see it as a big deal.  Here in the US a box of 10 turkey burgers is about $15. 🤷‍♀️

[catfeeder]

I'd bring whatever I had planned to bring, plus I'd pick up a dozen turkey burgers.

It's not a big deal to help the family and be happy about it while you have them all. 

[lostandhurt]

Letting these little small things sidetrack us from enjoying our lives is a big problem more and more lately.  The big thing in all this is your parents 63rd wedding anniversary, not what you were asked to bring.

Throwing a family cookout/BBQ to celebrate 63 years married and helping make it a joyous day for your parents was the number one thing.  If that means bringing food you may not eat so the party is more of a success then why not?  It is a very small price to pay for their celebration.

 Just last night there was a family going away party for my best friend/brother.  Now he isn't my blood brother but his family took me in in my late teens as my parents were alcoholics. 40 years later they are my adoptive family in spirit.  Out of 5 other siblings no one was planning a going away party for their brother so I started making calls and put it together.  I brought all the food to my mothers house. Now it didn't seem right that the guy that isn't even blood family had to put it all together but I gladly did because I love my brother/friend and his wife and wanted to make sure the family was together one last time to say goodbye. To me it was the least I could do. 

 Losing sight of what is really important (your parents happy day) and holding onto this is not good or healthy.  You helped make their celebration a wonderful gift and that is all that matters.

Lost

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Losing sight of what is really important (your parents happy day) and holding onto this is not good or healthy.  You helped make their celebration a wonderful gift and that is all that matters.

Exactly. I get that this is just supposed to be a smaller party after the larger event, but get clear about what putting stuff (any stuff) on a calendar in front of elderly people buys them--a carrot. The thing they look forward to NEXT. That's the stuff that keeps them alive and thriving. It's always for the NEXT thing to look FORward to.

Skip the quibbles and the squabbles. Invest in helping everyone who is willing to host something. Maybe even think of something you can host yourself--and be generous about it, not exacting. You will thank yourself later.