Help! Am I overreacting?

[LeighAnne]

I met a guy online a few weeks ago.  We've talked every day at least a little bit and both have made clear intentions of wanting a relationship.  He lives about an hour and a half from me and hauls heavy equipment all over the eastern side of the US.  We spent last weekend together, and had a great time.  He has mentioned how he's going to have to move closer to me soon.  Yesterday and today he has been very busy with work and has barely texted.  I expressed to him twice that I don't need to talk to him constantly but just a little update now and then and let me now you're thinking about me.  He did reply but only to say basically, I've been to 4 states in the last 3 days.  Am I asking for too much?  Am I overthinking. He hasn't said anything to make me think his feelings have changed just I told him I needed a little reassurance because I've been through a lot and he hasn't really said much. 

I feel like on one hand I am just telling him what I need to be happy and secure but am I asking too much?  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, LeighAnne said:

I met a guy online a few weeks ago We spent last weekend together, 

How old is he? Was the weekend together your first meeting and only date? Have you been to his place? Is he in another relationship?

Unfortunately it seems like you're not exclusive yet. Keep in mind he may have a collection of women he stops in on including you.  Step back and reconsider if this is the right situation for you.

[LeighAnne]

I did go to his place, and it is our only in person meeting but we have discussed the exclusivity and agreed.  He introduced me to his friends this past weekend as his girlfriend.  We have discussed that we both want to make this a lasting thing.  I'm not questioning whether he is seeing or talking to someone else.  I am fairly sure that isn't the issue.  I just am not sure if I am expecting too much too soon or if I'm just setting myself up for a relationship where he won't ever fulfill me emotionally.  I know that right now he is working 15-16 hours a day.  I want to be supportive of that because he is doing so to get into a better position where he can have more flexibility in his hours.  I just wish he would put a little more effort into texting me throughout his day because I definitely overthink.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, LeighAnne said:

I told him I needed a little reassurance because I've been through a lot

This isn't his issue to resolve, it's yours. Expecting a man you just met to cure whatever it is you've "been through" is kind of unfair.

What have you "been through" and what have you done for yourself to resolve it?

[Seraphim]

It isn’t up to other people to resolve our anxiety or insecurity. Placating those issues is a bandaid. We have to resolve those ourself . 

[LeighAnne]

I'm not asking to him fix my anxiety or my insecurity and I have done A LOT to fix that issue.  I was in an abusive relationship for years.  I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am.  I see a therapist and I am facing those issues head on.   My ex goes on trial on October 25 finally, for the things he did to me after our relationship ended.  Yes I filed an EPO but that is a joke.  He is on trial for stalking. 

 However I explained this to him from the beginning that I do sometimes have those old feelings and insecurities creep in and that I will occasionally ask for reassurance.   I never asked for him to resolve my issues but I do feel like if  you plan to make a long term relationship with someone you need to be able to understand certain aspects of their personality and be sensitive to them.  

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, LeighAnne said:

I'm not asking to him fix my anxiety or my insecurity and I have done A LOT to fix that issue.  I was in an abusive relationship for years.  I have fought tooth and nail to get to where I am.  I see a therapist and I am facing those issues head on.   My ex goes on trial on October 25 finally, for the things he did to me after our relationship ended.  Yes I filed an EPO but that is a joke.  He is on trial for stalking. 

 However I explained this to him from the beginning that I do sometimes have those old feelings and insecurities creep in and that I will occasionally ask for reassurance.   I never asked for him to resolve my issues but I do feel like if  you plan to make a long term relationship with someone you need to be able to understand certain aspects of their personality and be sensitive to them.  

I would slow the roll a bit. You have known each other barely a few weeks. You don’t really know each other yet. Don’t put an unrealistic view or expectations on a barely born relationship. 

[boltnrun]

That's great, but telling someone you just met that you "need reassurance" is putting a heavy burden on them. You can't expect that from him.

If you need that steady daily contact this may not be the right man for you. He's on the road doing a physically demanding and time consuming job. He's not available for the level of contact you seem to require. 

[Kwothe28]

If he is constantly on the road you cant expect him to message you and update you. Also, you only met him few weeks ago. He did commited and he introduced you as his girlfriend. But, its still just a few weeks. You really cant expect him to let you know where he is and stuff like that. You are still his gf of few weeks.

2 hours ago, LeighAnne said:

because I've been through

Like what? Like others have said, its not on him to manage your anxiety. Especially if he is on the road 15-16 hours a day. Even if he isnt, its still not on him. Guy literally just drives whole day, sleeps and drives more. Dont think he has time to message you all the time.

Other thing is, that is something for you to think about for later. Even if he moves closer to you, nature of his job requires him to do those tours from time to time. You will still be left by yourself. If you are not fine with that, its something to think for the future of relationship.

[Batya33]

You've only met this person once.  The typing and talking before is not a romantic relationship let alone an exclusive one.  It's nice that you were so open with him if that helped you but he should assume you're an adult and it's not his role to give you extra attention and reassurance because of your past. I'm so sorry for what you went and are going through.

[Jaunty]

Too much too soon.  Slow your roll.  You'll burn this thing out before it can even develop.

[Cherylyn]

Don't be a nag.  Not everyone is into regular texting.  I for one,  do not like it.  I know many people whether friends or family who are not into frequent texting.  We prefer phone calls,  in person conversations and save texts for BRIEF words such as date arrangements,  important upcoming events or occasions and you get the general idea.  Don't be an imposition and burden.  Back off.  No one wants to feel pressured into more screen time.  People have a life outside being tethered to their cell phones.  We have things to do such as work,  taking care of ourselves,  our home life,  various responsibilities and the like. 

Yes,  you're asking too much and expecting too much.  Lower your expectations.  Lower your standards in people because not everyone will do as you want or be the type of person you want them to be habits and all.  Either accept how he is or choose a person who is better suited to your needs.

[catfeeder]

You are perfectly entitled to ask for anything you want. You’ll just need to weigh whether the consequences are worth it if someone doesn’t want to give it to you.

[MissCanuck]

It's a bit much for a guy you hardly know, yes. 

I think you two are both rushing this in general though. Slow down. Breathe. Get to really know each other and then decide if you want a relationship. Not the other way around. 

[Capricorn3]

16 hours ago, LeighAnne said:

 I know that right now he is working 15-16 hours a day.  .  I just wish he would put a little more effort into texting me throughout his day because I definitely overthink.  

Yes! You are overreacting. Cut the poor guy some slack. Seriously.  He works 15-16 hours a day and that is exhausting in itself.  Not many people would still have the energy to "text throughout the day". I know I wouldn't.   I can't even begin to imagine texting my husband "throughout the day" - it would drive both of us insane.

Definitely work on your anxiety issues because no relationship will last with that kind of pressure (imo).

[SooSad33]

On 9/20/2023 at 10:23 AM, LeighAnne said:

He did reply but only to say basically, I've been to 4 states in the last 3 days.  Am I asking for too much?  Am I overthinking. He hasn't said anything to make me think his feelings have changed just I told him I needed a little reassurance because I've been through a lot and he hasn't really said much. 

I feel like on one hand I am just telling him what I need to be happy and secure

With someone you've only spoken with for a few weeks, do NOT depend on them to make you 'feel secure'.  Nope, not yet.  You two have barely even begun.

Are YOU truly ready to be dating at this time?  What have you been through?  Admitting it's been a lot.

 

[Cherylyn]

Text frequently all day means you can't get anything done.  The most productive and industrious people tend to limit their screen time a lot in all areas ~ cell phone,  computer / Internet,  TV,  video games,  social media, the whole lot.  There is a lot to be said about reverting to "old-fashioned" habits such as getting a lot done without so many distractions galore.  You ought to try it and will be amazed at how industrious and productive you will become.  Screen time turns into a huge time trap.  ☹️  Before you know it,  wasted time was frittered away when you could've otherwise had gotten productive work done whether professionally,  at the home front indoors / outdoors,  errands,  chores or whatever.  ☹️

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/20/2023 at 7:23 AM, LeighAnne said:

 

I met a guy online a few weeks ago

 

 

On 9/20/2023 at 7:23 AM, LeighAnne said:

He has mentioned how he's going to have to move closer to me soon

For work or because he met you? 

[Andrina]

You need to reconsider the way you are going about dating. Spending a whole weekend together on a first meet? Not smart. Too much, too soon, not to mention it can be dangerous to meet a stranger in a private place.

Ideally, you should've each driven halfway and met in a public place for no more than a few hours. That's what a normal pace would be. And now you've tied yourself to someone whom you're not happy with about his communication style. Not fair. How about making observations of a prospective partner for several months and gauge the amount of effort he's putting in before you decide exclusivity? 

And if he does end up moving closer, don't continue this pattern of being on hyper speed, letting him move in with you before even knowing each other a year or two.

As for the texts, don't you want someone to text you because they miss you and want to find out about your day, instead of feeling obligated and mumbling, "Oh, geez, let me tap in a hello before she starts nagging me."

It takes some time to see if a person is into you past the beginning high. Just have a wait-and-see attitude. The reason you feel like you're walking on eggshells is because you don't know if this will work out or not. That's the way it has to be because you don't have a crystal ball to know the answer. I hope you have the mindset that if it doesn't work out, you'll be just fine after a little bit of sadness. If you're not that resilient after your past, stay solo and keep attending counseling sessions. Take care.

Though an hour and a half isn't extremely far, it's still quite a distance when it comes to seeing each other regularly. Why have you chosen/accepted this very difficult type of dating?