Long-distance guy - update

[LotusBlack]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but it depends on the value of the professional relationship vs. the potential match -I think meeting at or through work is a great way to meet a potential match as long as  the people don't work directly together (or if they do one is planning to leave anyway) or of course are each other's boss/supervisor.  Several of my friends (as I did) met their SO/spouses through work connections.  I didn't see that she relies on him heavily for networking or that they plan to start a business together.

I agree with Batya. Also, nothing happened between them that is even slightly considered romantic until after Kim had changed company and her love interest ended his job in the field entirely. I think the work/romantic relationship issue is not relevant in this case, even had they both stayed where they were as they were not working for the same company. Lots of people get together who work in the same industry but different companies.

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think meeting at or through work is a great way to meet a potential match as long as  the people don't work directly together.

I agree and never said otherwise.  And I know couples who have met that way as well, even when they did work together.

Perhaps I misinterpreted, but I got the impression from Wise's post that they were/are work colleagues and as such (according to his post) it would be rude to block or even go no contact.

Apparently they're not work colleagues per kim's post.

Anyway @kim42I'm truly sorry this hasn't worked out as you hoped.  And 100% support your decision to not block.

It was only a suggestion; it's worked well for me in the past.  But you gotta do what's right for you.

And if you change your mind and decide you want to maintain contact, that's OK too.  

Take care and be happy!  😊 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I honestly think it's unnecessary to block him, I understand it could have helped some.

Agree. Blocking in lieu of simple self discipline is for some people maybe, but in your case there's no reason for it. It's not as if he's bombarding you with texts or you're compulsively checking your phone in deep despair. Step back if you like. That's fine.

I'm a fan of blocking after a relationship ends and someone needs to move on but this isn't a breakup, it's just your disappointment that not initiating texts that often means you believe he's not "into" you, even though a relationship and dating isn't even feasible at this point. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’m interested to see if he reaches out at any point wondering where you went (assuming you’ve kept up with not texting).  I’m wondering if he got used to the dynamic of the once-a-week contact being initiated by you. 
 

but at the end of the day I suppose you’ve decided this situation isn’t for you. If he reaches out it might be nice for/of you to be honest about why you stopped texting and want to end contact.  Nothing overbearing or emotional, but IMO doing this resolves several “unknowns.”  And if he really is this nice guy who isn’t malicious and lying to you, and he is sincere in wanting to see you, and the two of you have had this ongoing baby friendship, I think he might deserve to know where you went.  

It’ll also be helpful for you because you’ve decided what you want, and then can verbalize those boundaries and move fwd yourself.  Knowing what you want and verbalizing those things gives you control of your life and the anxiety is less prone to rear its head.  Anxiety really comes alive and festers in the ‘unknown.’   
 

again, this is just a suggestion in the event he reaches out wondering where you went. 

[kim42]

17 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’m interested to see if he reaches out at any point wondering where you went (assuming you’ve kept up with not texting).  I’m wondering if he got used to the dynamic of the once-a-week contact being initiated by you. 
 

but at the end of the day I suppose you’ve decided this situation isn’t for you. If he reaches out it might be nice for/of you to be honest about why you stopped texting and want to end contact.  Nothing overbearing or emotional, but IMO doing this resolves several “unknowns.”  And if he really is this nice guy who isn’t malicious and lying to you, and he is sincere in wanting to see you, and the two of you have had this ongoing baby friendship, I think he might deserve to know where you went.  

It’ll also be helpful for you because you’ve decided what you want, and then can verbalize those boundaries and move fwd yourself.  Knowing what you want and verbalizing those things gives you control of your life and the anxiety is less prone to rear its head.  Anxiety really comes alive and festers in the ‘unknown.’   
 

again, this is just a suggestion in the event he reaches out wondering where you went. 

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll think about it. I'll see how comfortable I am sharing more updates here, some of the comments/reactions don't encourage me to keep posting.

In any case, I appreciate your advice! 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'll think about it. I'll see how comfortable I am sharing more updates here, some of the comments/reactions don't encourage me to keep posting.

Hi Kim, not sure where you got that impression.  I for one have been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and was hoping you would update!

And I would imagine most others feel the same.  

So, if I may ask, how is everything?  Has he reached out?   Have you?  Are you still communicating?

Absolutely no judgment either way if you are; emotions are fluid and can fluctuate especially early in as we go through the process of moving closer to each other, mentally and emotionally.  I've experienced it in my own relationships, so have many others. 

In any event, hope you're okay and doing well!

Happy Holidays!  :))

 

 

[kim42]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Kim, not sure where you got that impression.  I for one have been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and was hoping you would update!

And I would imagine most others feel the same.  

So, if I may ask, how is everything?  Has he reached out?   Have you?  Are you still communicating?

Absolutely no judgment either way if you are; emotions are fluid and can fluctuate especially early in as we go through the process of moving closer to each other, mentally and emotionally.  I've experienced it in my own relationships, so have many others. 

In any event, hope you're okay and doing well!

Happy Holidays!  :))

 

 

There were many negative comments in this thread, some people almost bullying me when I wanted to see him in November, or accusing me of changing the narrative.

I also didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

[LotusBlack]

I’m sorry you experienced that. I also felt things were a bit intense towards you as well. I don’t get the impression the guy you’re interested in is a liar or that he isn’t interested in you. I do think the obstacles are too big for you both to have the necessary level of desire and commitment to overcome them, but that isn’t a punishable offence by any stretch. 

Head high and follow you intuition.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’m sorry you experienced that. I also felt things were a bit intense towards you as well. I don’t get the impression the guy you’re interested in is a liar or that he isn’t interested in you. I do think the obstacles are too big for you both to have the necessary level of desire and commitment to overcome them, but that isn’t a punishable offence by any stretch. 

Head high and follow you intuition.

I don’t think he’s a liar at all I think he’s a good person and is/was a good friend and he’s not interested in dating you with serious potential- not interested enough to do all it would take to make a long distance relationship work. Why that would be - I mean who knows.  In this situation I don’t think the why matters. 

[boltnrun]

My opinion is that he just doesn't feel like he's in a good place in his life to start a relationship. Maybe this is a stereotype, but I find most quality men aren't comfortable allowing the woman they're involved with to pick up most of the expenses. He likely doesn't have extra funds available for train trips, hotel rooms, restaurant meals and/or films, etc. That may not be a comfortable thing for him to admit, especially if he likes you and wants you to think highly of him.

I also believe a long distance connection to a man who by his own admission (and from what you've observed) is content with communicating once weekly or even every ten days when you admit to relationship anxiety isn't a good fit. 

The only thing I hope you haven't done is give up on your plan to hold off contacting him to allow him to contact you. This isn't a "sh*t test" but rather an observation to see if he will make efforts on his own. Give him the opportunity to pursue you, so to speak. 

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry about the overdone and disrespectful scrutiny you received here, and I agree that some of these threads turn vulturistic (not a real word) and flat out mean.

 I hope you won’t be discouraged to consider this man in the same warm and interesting light you had always viewed him before, even while you enjoyed an upgrade in some communication and some shared experiences. The timing and distance issues remain the same as before, but your fondness for one another has ramped up into “ya never know…” territory. Enjoy that as such, it’s lovely! 

I hope for the best for you, and if you ever opt to go brave and thick skinned enough to update us, I would love that. Otherwise, consider my DM as always open to you, and again, I’m sorry for the disrespectful overkill you’ve received here.

[Morello]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

There were many negative comments in this thread, some people almost bullying me when I wanted to see him in November, or accusing me of changing the narrative.

I also didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

With all due respect to posters here (including myself), this forum is the equivalent of asking for advice in a bar full of strangers. You'll get a variety of opinions and anecdotal evidence; some are polite, others not so much. Helps you see it from different perspectives, but that's about it.

You are the only person who can decide because it's your life. Some people here struggle big time with that, especially when they're told their advice is unhelpful, which it tends to be once these long threads turn into heated arguments that produce nothing substantial. 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

I also didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

I saw that and didn’t think it was fair, at all.  Someone’s changing opinion of your story  doesn’t change the reality of what’s happening in your very real life, and his, and I think people forget that sometimes 

 

example: someone will read posts here and make a conclusion and then believe that’s the likely reality. Then they will give advice as if their beliefs are now an absolute fact. But then, their opinion can change overnight and suddenly their new opinion is the new fact. Reality doesn’t work that way, reality doesn’t change based on someone’s opinion lol.  An opinion is just an opinion, and someone’s best advice is the best they can do based on their understanding, which can be super flawed. 
 

I think at the end of the day you’ve just gotta take the advice with a grain of salt. Only you really know how to navigate everything because you’re closest to the real experience; you’ve gotta keep the relevant advice, and cut off the stuff you know is off the mark to what you’re actually experiencing with this guy.

 

I think a lot of people post here because they have a bit of trouble navigating these sorts of situations, and the advice from different perspectives is helpful but you just can’t really take it as gospel

 

but anyway,  I felt it was pretty unfair for some of the posts to suddenly accuse this guy of lying and being nefarious. It’s not helpful because then the advice is blown off course as it’s advice that should be reserved for an actual nefarious liar, and you are telling us he isn’t, so that should have been more respected. Plenty of people don’t use social media and tend to be more socially introverted.  I don’t think this should have turned into something where you felt cornered having to defend what you were experiencing with him outside of these message boards. 
 

I think people being willing to be here and give out advice is a great thing, but I also think when a poster is saying “hey wait, what you’re saying feels really off the mark for what my experience is in my real life,” that should be treated with more generosity. Maybe taking a step back and remembering we are only getting a portion of the story after all. 

[boltnrun]

I think speculating that he's lying about being unemployed was the strangest assumption. If he didn't want to date you or if he was already in a relationship with someone else, making up a lie MONTHS ago about quitting his job and then maintaining that lie for weeks and weeks makes no sense to me. 

Sorry this thread became an unpleasant experience. 

[spinstermanquee]

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

...didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

kim, please don't let the nattering nabobs of negativism impact your participation in the forum.  We are all rooting for you

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

kim, please don't let the nattering nabobs of negativism impact your participation in the forum.  We are all rooting for you

I echo this sentiment. 

JMO but a possible reason for the changing opinions from the same posters is because as more info and context is provided, naturally it changes their opinion of the situation.

That has happened to me and I've owned it.

Everything posted, including him possibly lying, is always an opinion based on personal experiences, possible projections and information provided. 

@kim42 at the end of day YOU are the only one who has all the information to make an informed decision.  What's right for you.

Everything else from objective readers/listeners is speculation.

Anyway, I hope you're well and enjoying the holidays!  

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

kim, please don't let the nattering nabobs of negativism impact your participation in the forum.  We are all rooting for you

I was thinking the same thing. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. It's as simple as putting the debaters  and speculators on your ignore list. 

[kim42]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I was thinking the same thing. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. It's as simple as putting the debaters  and speculators on your ignore list. 

I didn't know there was an ignore list, good to know.

Thanks everyone for your kinds words!

I might come back and update you guys, thanks for sticking with me throughout this thread! 

[kim42]

On 12/20/2023 at 2:54 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Kim, not sure where you got that impression.  I for one have been thinking about you, wondering how you're doing and was hoping you would update!

And I would imagine most others feel the same.  

So, if I may ask, how is everything?  Has he reached out?   Have you?  Are you still communicating?

Absolutely no judgment either way if you are; emotions are fluid and can fluctuate especially early in as we go through the process of moving closer to each other, mentally and emotionally.  I've experienced it in my own relationships, so have many others. 

In any event, hope you're okay and doing well!

Happy Holidays!  :))

 

 

Yes, we're still communicating.

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, we're still communicating.

Has he been initiating contact? 

I hope his job search is productive. It's a tough time of year to be looking for a job for sure. 

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he been initiating contact? 

I hope his job search is productive. It's a tough time of year to be looking for a job for sure. 

A little, not as much as I'd like to but he's always been like this I guess.

He's had several interviews but no job offer, sadly. He's been through a lot lately, someone from his family passed away so we've been chatting about these things.

[boltnrun]

Sorry for his loss.

Have you decided to just accept that he will not initiate contact very often? Is it affecting your anxiety or have you found peace in acceptance?

[kim42]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry for his loss.

Have you decided to just accept that he will not initiate contact very often? Is it affecting your anxiety or have you found peace in acceptance?

Yes, I've been trying to accept it. I'm feeling more relaxed, I definitely have more control over my anxiety.

[LootieTootie]

Just catching up on this thread and wowzers.

Kim,  I would totally understand if you didnt want to post any more updates on here. The scrutiny and speculations was excessive. I do think everyone means well when they take time to post on here but this thread had some really long speculative narratives of why he is doing what he is doing. SMH

Obviously he likes your company but he isn't in the place to have a relationship or/and a long distance relationship. If you like his company too, and you're single, yea why not meet up when your in town? As long as you both know your lanes that it isn't anything serious.

Wishing you the best.

[catfeeder]

On 12/20/2023 at 7:02 PM, Morello said:

You are the only person who can decide because it's your life.

Yep! ...and, you don't owe anyone here a defense of your position, either. When you disagree with someone's input, you may be inclined to correct an assumption or whatever, but it's really no-harm-no-foul to just ignore them. You can even use a setting to ignore their posts. I've never done that, but I might start.

Quote

Some people here struggle big time with that, especially when they're told their advice is unhelpful, which it tends to be once these long threads turn into heated arguments that produce nothing substantial. 

Not to mention that it's a total snoozer when two people launch into a nit-picking match that goes on for pages... I do get tired of scrolling past all that 'stuff'. It's driven plenty of people off this site, and that psssses me off.