Is it time for her to go?

[Snowed23]

Almost 3 years ago during the height of covid my husband's only daughter became pregnant.  A little history.  My husband got full custody of his daughter when she was about 2 years old and he's been the primary caregiver for her ever since.  He always said that his goal was to get her through high school and college on time.  That he did.  She has graduated from both and is now out on her own.  She gave him his birthday gift a few years ago announcing that he would become a granddaddy.  His entire family was over the moon.  This is the family's first and only great granchild.  She shared an apartment with another girl and they got along great.  A few months before she went into labor she told her dad that she wanted to move back in with us because her roommate didn't drive and she had her own son who was autistic.  She didn't want to run the risk of going into labor and not be able to make it to the hospital.  She wanted to come home so my husband / her dad could get her to the hospital when the time came.  That was a decision I didn't have a say so in.  Anyway, a few weeks after she moved in she went into labor.  The baby's father wasn't in the state at the moment so my husband took her and was even in the operating room with his daughter when she had to have a c-section.  Beautifu little girl born.  My husband had planned to take the week off work so he primarily stayed at the hospital with his daughter until she came home, back to our house.  She was coming back here so we could show her the ropes on dealing with a newborn.  Plus the fact that she had a c-section she wasn't really ready to go back home just yet.  I guess she stayed with us for about 3 more weeks until she had healed enough to go back to her apt.  She finally goes back home and with that being the height of covid they, my husband, his daughter, and his family, decided that now was not the best time to just put the baby in daycare so since me, my husband, and one of my husband's sisters were working from home the decision was made that we would be the primary caregivers for the baby when mom went back to work.  

 

Fast forward a few years.  The baby is 2.5 years old now and we're still the primary caregiver,  My husband's job has made him and his other employees permanent work from home.  They sold their buildings or leased the out to another company so he will never have to go back into a bujilding.  My job also classified us as perm work from home but lately they have changed their minds and now we go in one day a week.  My husband feels that if they are bringing us on 1 day a week eventually they will up that to 2, 3 . . . 5 days a week.  Ok, here's the rub that I have.  My husband enjoys the baby here with us during the day.  His sister can no longer keep her so she's here with us 3 maybe 4 days a week and we watch her why his daughter works.  She works at a car lot so she doesn't have a set schedule.  Her days off vary from week to week.  For a few months now I've been telling my husband that it's time we talk to his daughter about putting her in daycare and he keeps asking me why.  He said that baby has really only been around us and the family since birth and she would not do well being thrown into an atmosphere with a bunch of strangers.  I think he just doesn't want to let her go.  I told him there were a number of government agencies that could help his daughter pay for daycare but he still doesn't want her to go.  He keeps asking me why now and I keep telling him "because".  He says "because" is not a good enough reason.  Most days she's here she's running around playing with her toys and making a mess of things.  Nothing we can't handle but I just think it's time for her to experience other people.  I brought it up to him again tonight and he asked me why and I said because.  He said because is not a good enough reason.  

 

Am I wrong to think that she needs to be in daycare?  My husband says I'm just saying that because I don't want her here with us anymore.  When I go into work one day a week he has her all to himself and he loves it.  My oldest son had a 6 year old daughter and I love her to death but I don't want her here all the time either.  We may see her once a month when we get her for a weekend visit.  When she was born we were getting her every other weekend so I guess I out burned out on grandkids just being here all the time.  My husband tells me that maybe I just wasn't ready to be a grandparent.  My husbands loves my granddaughter to death and would do anything for her.  Maybe I just don't want a house full of kids all the time.  Am I wrong?  Is it time for the baby to go to daycare and what can I say to convince my husband of that?  I feel like I raise my sons, and assisted my husband in raising his daughter so now that they have their own kids let them raise them.  

[Lambert]

6 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

I feel like I raise my sons, and assisted my husband in raising his daughter so now that they have their own kids let them raise them.

have you told him this? 

Do you guys have problems communicating?

Do you make decisions together? 

Your response of "because" is not a conversation. It's a wall. 

[Snowed23]

8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

have you told him this? 

Do you guys have problems communicating?

Do you make decisions together? 

Your response of "because" is not a conversation. It's a wall. 

Yes, we communicate all the time but when it comes to things like this I'm usually the one who gets the short end of the stick.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

   My husband says I'm just saying that because I don't want her here with us anymore. I out burned out on grandkids just being here all the time.   I just don't want a house full of kids all the time. 

Why argue about daycare? Be honest that you don't want to babysit his grandchild. Unfortunately the problem is your husband, but you seem to realize this. 

[Tinydance]

Well there are probably a variety of different options as to who could babysit the little girl. But it sounds like the lack of options isn't the problem but rather it's your husband.

Is his daughter a single mother? Is the father and his family in the picture at all? Does your country's government have any financial assistance for single parents? 

The thing is that usually it doesn't just fall to only one grandparent to help look after the grandchildren. Having the granddaughter with you 3 - 4 days a week seems like too much. If she spends like only three days with her mother then how is she supposed to build a relationship with her own parent? Usually the other set of grandparents would also help babysit the child. But from your post I'm guessing that the father and his family aren't really in the picture?

Another option is, could your husband go over to his daughter's place to look after his granddaughter? I actually agree with you that you need a break. Also it's actually the parent's responsibility to be raising their child. Unless your husband's daughter can't actually receive any financial assistance at all if she didn't work or worked less. But also I think yes it's fine to put the 2.5-year-old in childcare at least one or two days a week. In my opinion it's actually a good thing for her because she can learn how to socialise and make friends with other kids.

[MissCanuck]

You're not wrong to want her in daycare, but I don't understand why you are being stubborn with only answering "because."

What is up with that? Why are you choosing this approach rather than explaining your reasons? 

You're not helping the situation, in other words.  

[Snowed23]

To answer some questions, yes, his daughter is a single parent.  The child's father once lived in our state but had to move several states away when things got tough for him financially here.  He lives at home with his parents and flies to come see her a few times a year.  My husband can't go to his daughter's place to watch the baby because he too works from home and is tied to his computer and phone.  We've managed to make it work since she was born but I just think it's time to put her in daycare.  She's keeping me from working sometimes.  My husband says that while he's on the phone with clients he hears them working from home too because he hears their kids in the background.  In my husband's family they are big on family centered raising so that's why he feels this way.  All his siblings and grandkids still gather each Sunday to their parent's house for big family dinners and just to reconnect.  I don't go with him anymore because it's just too many people there and too many conversations going on.  This may sound bad but my family lives in our city and I do not go see or visit them.  I prefer to be alone with just my husband.  I've discussed with him of us moving out of the city and he says no because everything we do is in the city.  My sister lives less than 4 miles away from us and I've not seen her but once in maybe the past several months.  My husband will go by his parent's house 2 or 3 times a day if he could.  Maybe I'm a loner.  I just prefer to be by myself.  My husband says I have zero friends and I guess I like it that way.  Maybe I'm just tired of a baby being in the house all the time.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You're not wrong to want her in daycare, but I don't understand why you are being stubborn with only answering "because."

What is up with that? Why are you choosing this approach rather than explaining your reasons? 

You're not helping the situation, in other words.  

I agree- you know one of my friends wanted to put her and her husband's son in a special private school -it was $$ but her parents had agreed to help with tuition. She actually prepared a nice and engaging powerpoint showing the pros and cons of her suggestion including the financial aspects etc -she showed her husband -in a lighthearted way -(I'd actually suggested this -she is in the PR field as it is so she's familiar with doing presentations!) and it "worked" meaning it opened up positive and productive communication and the agreement was felt to be mutual.  

I would put on big girl pants and calmly explain the downsides of having the little girl in your home all day and how it's affecting you -don't be dramatic. 

For example my husband and I for the first time are sending our son to a private school -he is in 9th grade. I can calculate almost exactly how much more time it now takes me -as compared to the local school - to make sure he gets to the bus stop in the morning a mile or so away, to organize the afternoon carpool (which so far others do but I likely will need to step in) and networking with other parents to see if we can ease the burden of getting him home. Then there's the tuition. And the 45 minute earlier wake up time for our son. 

 I explained all of this to my husband in advance so he "got it" and agreed as to his part of doing the afternoon work.  I didn't do a powerpoint but made sure we were on the same page even down to the nitty gritty.  To me it's what healthy adults in a marriage or relationship do IMO.

[Snowed23]

Oh, the baby goes home every night.  Once in a while she'll spend the night with us on a weekend but that's maybe once a month or so, maybe.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Snowed23 said:

I brought it up to him again tonight and he asked me why and I said because

And why do you keep doing this? 

[redswim30]

Why are you afraid of being honest with your husband. 

You argument is a fairly simple and common one- you have different desires for how much you want to be around family.   

There's no right or wrong answer, but every family is different.  There's some families that like to hang out every night or have dinner together every weekend.  For others, once a month to see parents or grown children is more than enough. 

You need to be honest with your husband.  The question is- why aren't you?   He's right that "because" isn't an answer, but a passive aggressive deflection.  

He's also accurate in saying you just don't want the baby there all the time- you don't. 

That doesn't make you "bad", but since he already knows how you feel, I'm curious why you don't just say " Yes, I don't want the baby here all the time."

Where I think your husband is out of line is to say that you "weren't ready" to be a grandparent.  That's actually unfair and judgmental of him.  Some people really want to be and LOVE being grandparents, that still doesn't necessarily mean that they want a baby in their home all the time.  Not wanting the baby present all the time also does not mean that you don't love her. 

Also, I personally- but this is just MHO (ask 20 people a parenting question and you'll get 20 different answers) think around age 2-3, your child should start to be socialized.  It's been proven that kids learn through play with other children around this age and is actually really important for their development.  Grandpa may not want to let go of her, but he needs to understand that she isn't his little dolly, she is an infant human that needs to be able to learn and grow.  

So, you're both a little in the wrong here. 

Time for an HONEST conversation.  Something along the lines of

"I'd like to have a talk about our granddaughter.  I first want to apologize for not being honest with you about my feelings.  I didn't because I was afraid that you jump to the conclusion that I don't love her.   I love her very much, but I feel that she is here too much, which is not good for us or for her.  I feel we've been very fair, kind, and accommodating in helping your daughter, but now - nearly 3 years later, I feel a change is needed. 

I feel we need to reach a compromise that works for both us.  One in which you can have some time with the grandchild, but also one in which our grandchild can have the opportunity to start learning to socialize which is very important for her development.  Furthermore, while I love our daughter, she also needs to step up in taking more responsibility for her child.  She chose to have this baby.  We are the baby's grandparents, not her parents.  I worry that if we don't ask our daughter to start stepping up now that she will continue to rely heavily on us for years to come and that is not healthy for anyone.  I'm asking to have a conversation together and with your daughter to work on a compromise in which we all feel more comfortable.   We can pick a really nice daycare together.  We should start whittling down to having the baby over 2 days a week (and I suggest one of those being your in office day).  " 

Try that and see how it goes.   Don't let anyone make you feel like you a bad person or "bad grandparent" for not wanting the baby there all the time.  You are being perfectly reasonable.  And after nearly 3 years of helping your daughter with this unexpected bundle of joy, I can't blame you for feeling a bit burnt out.  I personally am a firm believer in - if you choose to have a child, you can absolutely ask for help and support from family and friends, but a line should be drawn about where "helping" ends and " I'm taking full time care of this baby cause their actual parent isn't stepping up" begins.  After all, you didn't agree to be a MOTHER to this baby.   

It's the FIRST grandchild for the family, so everyone is going to be a little "baby sick".  However, it IS actually very important to remember- Kids aren't POSESSIONS.   They are little people.  And people need to socialize with other people besides their families.  Coddling a child as if they are a doll for TOO LONG is actually unhealthy for everyone, especially the child.  Being a good parent and grandparent isn't just about loving the child, it's about doing what is best for THEM, even if it hurts you a little (ie not getting to see them as much).  And the older a child gets, the more and more decisions like that need to be made.  your daughter and your husband both need to learn this important lesson now.   And for yourself, OP- honesty is the best policy. 

 

[Coily]

How is your relationship with your husband's daughter? Is there any tension or resentment between you two?

I'll buck the trend, as I think since the little one is probably getting the best care she can from grandfather. Kindergarten isn't far off, or even pre-k; so why rush her into the child mill of day care? Does the mother get her daughter out to socialize?

The only argument I can fathom is along the lines of is does the child get some socialization outside of your husband and the mother?

[Snowed23]

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

Why are you afraid of being honest with your husband. 

You argument is a fairly simple and common one- you have different desires for how much you want to be around family.   

There's no right or wrong answer, but every family is different.  There's some families that like to hang out every night or have dinner together every weekend.  For others, once a month to see parents or grown children is more than enough. 

You need to be honest with your husband.  The question is- why aren't you?   He's right that "because" isn't an answer, but a passive aggressive deflection.  

He's also accurate in saying you just don't want the baby there all the time- you don't. 

That doesn't make you "bad", but since he already knows how you feel, I'm curious why you don't just say " Yes, I don't want the baby here all the time."

Where I think your husband is out of line is to say that you "weren't ready" to be a grandparent.  That's actually unfair and judgmental of him.  Some people really want to be and LOVE being grandparents, that still doesn't necessarily mean that they want a baby in their home all the time.  Not wanting the baby present all the time also does not mean that you don't love her. 

Also, I personally- but this is just MHO (ask 20 people a parenting question and you'll get 20 different answers) think around age 2-3, your child should start to be socialized.  It's been proven that kids learn through play with other children around this age and is actually really important for their development.  Grandpa may not want to let go of her, but he needs to understand that she isn't his little dolly, she is an infant human that needs to be able to learn and grow.  

So, you're both a little in the wrong here. 

Time for an HONEST conversation.  Something along the lines of

"I'd like to have a talk about our granddaughter.  I first want to apologize for not being honest with you about my feelings.  I didn't because I was afraid that you jump to the conclusion that I don't love her.   I love her very much, but I feel that she is here too much, which is not good for us or for her.  I feel we've been very fair, kind, and accommodating in helping your daughter, but now - nearly 3 years later, I feel a change is needed. 

I feel we need to reach a compromise that works for both us.  One in which you can have some time with the grandchild, but also one in which our grandchild can have the opportunity to start learning to socialize which is very important for her development.  Furthermore, while I love our daughter, she also needs to step up in taking more responsibility for her child.  She chose to have this baby.  We are the baby's grandparents, not her parents.  I worry that if we don't ask our daughter to start stepping up now that she will continue to rely heavily on us for years to come and that is not healthy for anyone.  I'm asking to have a conversation together and with your daughter to work on a compromise in which we all feel more comfortable.   We can pick a really nice daycare together.  We should start whittling down to having the baby over 2 days a week (and I suggest one of those being your in office day).  " 

Try that and see how it goes.   Don't let anyone make you feel like you a bad person or "bad grandparent" for not wanting the baby there all the time.  You are being perfectly reasonable.  And after nearly 3 years of helping your daughter with this unexpected bundle of joy, I can't blame you for feeling a bit burnt out.  I personally am a firm believer in - if you choose to have a child, you can absolutely ask for help and support from family and friends, but a line should be drawn about where "helping" ends and " I'm taking full time care of this baby cause their actual parent isn't stepping up" begins.  After all, you didn't agree to be a MOTHER to this baby.   

It's the FIRST grandchild for the family, so everyone is going to be a little "baby sick".  However, it IS actually very important to remember- Kids aren't POSESSIONS.   They are little people.  And people need to socialize with other people besides their families.  Coddling a child as if they are a doll for TOO LONG is actually unhealthy for everyone, especially the child.  Being a good parent and grandparent isn't just about loving the child, it's about doing what is best for THEM, even if it hurts you a little (ie not getting to see them as much).  And the older a child gets, the more and more decisions like that need to be made.  your daughter and your husband both need to learn this important lesson now.   And for yourself, OP- honesty is the best policy. 

 

This isn't the family's first grandchild.  It's his family's first great-grandchild so you know his parents just about give her what she wants.  Yes, it's my husband's first and only biological grandchild but between us we have 7 grandkids.  I have two sons and my oldest has 2 kids of his own.  Of course his biological daughter has this baby and long before I met my husband he has a god-daughter who he calls his daughter since he helped raise her.  She has three kids of her own and recently got married.  Her husband has 1 daugher and he calls that girl his bonus granddaughter.  Yes, my husband is bog on those kids.  He's always going to see his only grandson play football, one of the granddaughter's is in cheer team so he's always there with her.  Again, he's big on family.  I think the reason he feels this way is because he's been there since the birth of this g-baby.  He was actually in the operating room with her when she was born.  He says you hear so much on the news these days about kids being abused or neglected in daycares until he doesn't want to take that chance with his flesh and blood.  

[Jaunty]

13 hours ago, Snowed23 said:

Yes, we communicate all the time but when it comes to things like this I'm usually the one who gets the short end of the stick.

Resolving problems in a relationship is not supposed to be a power struggle.  There is not supposed to be a loser and a winner.  

A great many people believe that it's in the better interests of a child to be with family rather than in a daycare.  I'm not advocating for that here, but you really need a better argument than "because" if you want to convince your husband and his family that the kid needs to be in daycare rather than in a family home. 

[Snowed23]

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

How is your relationship with your husband's daughter? Is there any tension or resentment between you two?

I'll buck the trend, as I think since the little one is probably getting the best care she can from grandfather. Kindergarten isn't far off, or even pre-k; so why rush her into the child mill of day care? Does the mother get her daughter out to socialize?

The only argument I can fathom is along the lines of is does the child get some socialization outside of your husband and the mother?

I get along great with his daughter so there's no problem there.  And yes, she socializes with her other cousins.  His daughter has other siblings and they all have kids of their own so she is around other kids.  She actually just moved into a new apartment with one of her sisters and she has 2 kids of her own.  Her oldest son was born a week before this baby so they are right there along the same age.  She is a very friendly child. She's really starting to warm up to people.  We take her to church with us on occasion and a year or so ago she wouldn't let anyone other than me or my husband touch her.  Now she's walking up to people and playing with them.  It was cute a few weeks ago.  One of the ushers who really likes the baby was collecting the offering and when she walked by our ow she grabbed the baby by the hand and she walked with her to collect the offering and take it to the finance table.  Yesterday in church she was sitting on my lap and was fist bumping the people on the row in front of us.  She is becoming a very social child but I just think it would benefit her more to be around kids her own age.

[Jaunty]

Possibly she could go to daycare part time, and stay in the home part time.  Compromises are possible.

[tattoobunnie]

This sounds tough; sorry; I get this. Toddlers are very hard!!  It's not your job to raise your kids'/stepkids' kids.   But grandpa wants this, and accepts this, an knows if he tells her to go a daycare, his daughter may move away to where dad is to help make ends meet.  And there is really only 2+ years left till she starts Kindergarten.  If I were you, go back to the office full-time if you can, opt for it, and this way, you get your "alone" time.  I can't work from home with the kids; they are constant and they are school aged.

My step MIL said if she lived closer (she's hours and hours away), she would be helping with the kids.  I love her.  Just hearing her say that made me feel loved. I think you are overwhelmed.  So, definitely opt to go back to the office full-time if you can.  

[Snowed23]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

This sounds tough; sorry; I get this. Toddlers are very hard!!  It's not your job to raise your kids'/stepkids' kids.   But grandpa wants this, and accepts this, an knows if he tells her to go a daycare, his daughter may move away to where dad is to help make ends meet.  And there is really only 2+ years left till she starts Kindergarten.  If I were you, go back to the office full-time if you can, opt for it, and this way, you get your "alone" time.  I can't work from home with the kids; they are constant and they are school aged.

My step MIL said if she lived closer (she's hours and hours away), she would be helping with the kids.  I love her.  I think you are overwhelmed.  So, definitely opt to go back to the office full-time if you can.  

My husband is permanently working from home so unless he changes jobs he'll be working from home.  That's why I think he wants to keep her here so he can have a say so on how she is raised.  I get it.  And he likes to remind me that he got full custody of his own daughter when she was about this baby's age so don't play him like he didn't know what he was doing. Yes, he knows what he's doing.  he buys all her clothes, well, the majority of them.  Twice a year he'll order her a big crop of fall and winter clothes then spring and summer clothes.  He buys all her dresses, shoes, bows, and ribbons for church and she hardly wears the same dress twice.  He even does that with my oldest son's daughter.  He has always wanted girls.  Of the 7 grandkids we have only 1 is a boy.  Now he loves that one grandson to death too because he's the only grandson.  And he's told his daughter / god-daughter that if her and her husband wanted to have one together they would have to have another girl.  

 

And to your point, I would rather not go back into the office to work if I don't have to.  My husband reminds me often that covid never meant that no one would ever have to go back into an office.  It's just that his company sold / leased out their two large buildings to other companies.  My job hasn't.  They have a big building pretty much just sitting there empty for the most part.  I can't keep an eye on my husband if I'm in the building 15 miles away.  Yeah, I know that's going to come out wrong.  No telling what he's doing here at home while I'm in the building.

[Coily]

5 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

  Of the 7 grandkids we have only 1 is a boy. 

I'm confused with this, earlier I thought you said he only has this one biological grandchild. It's rather a huge deal for him, or so I would imagine.

Do you have trust issues with your husband?

[Snowed23]

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

I'm confused with this, earlier I thought you said he only has this one biological grandchild. It's rather a huge deal for him, or so I would imagine.

Do you have trust issues with your husband?

He only has 1 biological daughter and this is her daughter we're talking about.  I have two sons from my first marriage and my oldest has 2 kids.  That makes 3.  My husband has a god-daughter he helped raise when her own father was shot and killed when she was about 2 or 3 herself.  She calls him daddy.  SHe has 3 kids of her own and they call my husband granddaddy.  His god-daughter recently got married and her new husband has a daughter which my husband calls his bonus granddaughter so that makes 7.  Of the 7 grandkids only 1 is a boy.  All the others are girls.  Did that clear it up for you.

 

There have been trust issues in the past but that's behind us now.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like you don't have much say in your marriage, life or household. So bickering about how much socializing a child needs, when really, your perhaps rightfully tired of children being all over the house.

[Cherylyn]

Instead of answering "because,"  explain why as you've done in your post.  Be clear when you speak to your husband.  "Because" is too vague. 

It would be a relief to be kid-less,  get a break from noise,  have peace and quiet in your house.

[boltnrun]

If your husband digs in his heels and refuses to allow the child to go to daycare, what are you prepared to do?

[smackie9]

Make a compromise. Have part time daycare, like a few days a week to give yourselves a break. 

[Coily]

13 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

He only has 1 biological daughter and this is her daughter we're talking about.  I have two sons from my first marriage and my oldest has 2 kids.  That makes 3.  My husband has a god-daughter he helped raise when her own father was shot and killed when she was about 2 or 3 herself.  She calls him daddy.  SHe has 3 kids of her own and they call my husband granddaddy.  His god-daughter recently got married and her new husband has a daughter which my husband calls his bonus granddaughter so that makes 7.  Of the 7 grandkids only 1 is a boy.  All the others are girls.  Did that clear it up for you.

 

There have been trust issues in the past but that's behind us now.

So only one biological granddaughter. That clears it up. Do you not think that makes a difference to your husband?

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like the trust issues are really cleared up. How are you two addressing that?