Is this a commitment text?

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

they used the lack of clear, defined communication as an excuse and a loophole.

A guy I'd been involved with for nearly a year pulled that. I had traveled with him, met his family and close friends, spent every weekend with him, and he ended it saying we had never had the "talk" and therefore weren't really in a relationship. Yes, I was gobsmacked. 

[Sindy_0311]

Ok, thank you all for posting here. And frankly I agree with all what you said. I jumped on conclusions when he said he prefer to meet during the weekend.. he just began a new job last week and is pretty exhausted.

i texted him tonight, asked him how he was doing, and then told him I noticed that his previous message didn’t get my kiss emoji (was a lie, because I didn’t react to it) but he immediately responed to it and sent me kind texts and many heart emojis etc and we have been exchanging since then… 

See, this guy seems to good to be true, and I have been dealing with so much of BS in the last month that somehow I have developed a suspicious mindset… but I realized that it’s not the right approach… so I’m going to be straight forward with him. I did that tonight while texting him and he is very responsive to it… will see how it will develops… 

[Sindy_0311]

33 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

. I don’t know your age

We are both turning 40 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 this guy seems to good to be true, and I have been dealing with so much of BS in the last month that somehow I have developed a suspicious mindset… 

He's not too good to be true but he's also not a monster who deserves the punishment and games you're dishing out.

Please address whatever the underlying issues are. If they have to do with your ex, custody, home life, whatever, please address it directly rather than displace all this rage on some guy just trying to date you.

Did your ex husband cheat on you?  Is he in a new relationship? Where is all this rage coming from? 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not too good to be true but he's also not a monster who deserves the punishment and games you're dishing out.

Please address whatever the underlying issues are. If they have to do with your ex, custody, home life, whatever, please address it directly rather than displace all this rage on some guy just trying to date you.

Did your ex husband cheat on you?  Is he in a new relationship? Where is all this rage coming from? 

I do have rage… but not against my ex husband, because he is a good person and always has been faithful to me. It’s against people in general. I’ve been working on this for the last 20 years through therapy and realized that I will always have trust issues… and accepted it. 

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I will always have trust issues… and accepted it. 

But does this man deserve to bear the brunt of your "trust issues"? 

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

then told him I noticed that his previous message didn’t get my kiss emoji (was a lie, because I didn’t react to it)

So you’re manipulating him into feeling like he did something wrong by not using a kiss emoji on his text to you? Or have I misunderstood that (my bad if so)? Could of just owned it and said sorry for the delay or just sent a normal text 🤦‍♂️ 

[LootieTootie]

100% agree with whoever said this is toxic behavior. Punishing someone because they didnt agree to your suggestion on a whim is not healthy.

I think you have a need to control and when it doesn't go your way, you seem to react in a way that is self-destructive. I recalled the 3rd date with him at the festival and you did the same thing. He was nice enough to stick around after that, and still nice enough to be around...

 

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do have rage…It’s against people in general. I’ve been working on this for the last 20 years through therapy and realized that I will always have trust issues… and accepted it. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but after 20 years in therapy to address your rage issues, it's clearly not working and never has.  Maybe time to change therapists and keep changing until you find someone who finally does help, as it is unfair and wrong that other people have to bear the brunt of your rage issues. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

So you’re manipulating him into feeling like he did something wrong by not using a kiss emoji on his text to you? Or have I misunderstood that (my bad if so)? Could of just owned it and said sorry for the delay or just sent a normal text 🤦‍♂️ 

No, I apologized for letting his previous message on read, said that it wasn't my intention, that my kiss didn't get send. I felt frustrated he didn't want to meet during the week, so I preferred not texting him and let my frustration calm down before reaching out to him again...  

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

100% agree with whoever said this is toxic behavior. Punishing someone because they didnt agree to your suggestion on a whim is not healthy.

I think you have a need to control and when it doesn't go your way, you seem to react in a way that is self-destructive. I recalled the 3rd date with him at the festival and you did the same thing. He was nice enough to stick around after that, and still nice enough to be around...

 

I haven't been punishing him... I just didn't feel like responding or engaging in a discussion because I felt frustrated. I have my right to do so at this stage. if there is something I don't like, instead of arguing or saying something through text, I prefer go silent, manage my frustration, and wait until I see him to address the situation.

Is this toxic behavior?? Toxic for me would have been me canceling for the weekend or start arguing through text... 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I don't mean to be unkind, but after 20 years in therapy to address your rage issues, it's clearly not working and never has.  Maybe time to change therapists and keep changing until you find someone who finally does help, as it is unfair and wrong that other people have to bear the brunt of your rage issues. 

You are right...  I will change therapist and start the whole thing again... 

Actually I've been looking for online therapy lately. See, actually I meet my therapist in the morning every two weeks. And often I don't feel like to go to deep in the discussions because I feel like its going to mess my whole working day... and It's not productive at all. 

The good thing with online therapy is I can choose the hour, can be in the evening, and It would make it way easier for me... I'm waiting for my health assurance to confirm that they will cover the costs... as I'm looking forward to subscribe on an american therapists website.  

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No, I apologized for letting his previous message on read, said that it wasn't my intention, that my kiss didn't get send. I felt frustrated he didn't want to meet during the week, so I preferred not texting him and let my frustration calm down before reaching out to him again...  

Ah ok I must of read it wrong in that case 🙂 That's fair enough then and good you got back to him in the end.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 minute ago, MrMan1983 said:

Ah ok I must of read it wrong 🙂 That's fair enough then and at least you got back to him in the end.

 

You only misunderstood who did what, the part about the kiss “reaction” was where the lie was.  It wasn’t him who didn’t use the emoji, it was her, then she lied about it  

By most people’s definition it is manipulation 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/11/2023 at 2:38 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

He isn’t trying to make any ajustements for us to be able to see each other… and frankly at this point it bothers me…

PS: I had a great first date tonight with another guy 😂

Yea, you’re trying to keep yourself bouyed above the water when you feel your vulnerability strings being tugged on. 
 

your post has a sort of “haha, I’m winning, sucker,” tone to it. Like you’ve got to be one step ahead of the potential danger you feel interacting with him brings you. 
 

I don’t know what the answer is for that, I feel like those sorts of thought dynamics are so ingrained in people’s core.  
 

at the end of the day his actions may not actually be dangerous at all, he could just be living his life, trying to incorporate you into it in a non-anxious way. Ie: seeing you when he’s available as opposed to forgoing responsibility to placate your anxieties. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

No, I apologized for letting his previous message on read, said that it wasn't my intention, that my kiss didn't get send. I felt frustrated he didn't want to meet during the week, so I preferred not texting him and let my frustration calm down before reaching out to him again...  

But - texting is typing -you can "feel frustrated" and still type a message to behave in a considerate manner -no one will know if you felt calm or not when you type words.  What you prefer sometimes has to give way to the good /peaceful development/maintenance of a relationship IMO. (I can see if you want to calm down before speaking to someone in person or even on the phone as you might feel like you cannot control your tone -not at all the same with simply responding to a text in a timely manner).  You don't have to address anything in a text -and for sure it's a bad idea to address frustration like that by text.  What is your "right" as you put it might be inconsistent with being "close" to another person.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

he could just be living his life, trying to incorporate you into it in a non-anxious way.

And I suppose that’s why he always says he doesn’t want to impose himself by asking me out or mentions when it’s my turn to ask him out or said once to me that’s it’s always better for a man not to come to strong or show too much interest in the beginning…is this non anxious behavior? How am I supposed to respond to that? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

And I suppose that’s why he always says he doesn’t want to impose himself by asking me out or mentions when it’s my turn to ask him out or said once to me that’s it’s always better for a man not to come to strong or show too much interest in the beginning…is this non anxious behavior? How am I supposed to respond to that? 

You're supposed to respond in light of your goals -if you want to date and develop a closer relationship with this man you have to choose being close over being right or reacting to rage/playing a game. You're having sex.  The "oops don't come on too strong" - I mean that ship has sailed.

[Sindy_0311]

He proposed to meet on Saturday.

I said "yes, ok for Saturday".
He then said: "it's a proposition, I don't want to impose.... "
I replied: "Impose what? I don't get it... "
He said: "I mean for Saturday, maybe you had something planned yet..."
To what I replied: " If I say ok for Saturday, it means I'm free on Saturday."

What's the point? 

 

 

[MrMan1983]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He proposed to meet on Saturday.

I said "yes, ok for Saturday".
He then said: "it's a proposition, I don't want to impose.... "
I replied: "Impose what? I don't get it... "
He said: "I mean for Saturday, maybe you had something planned yet..."
To what I replied: " If I say ok for Saturday, it means I'm free on Saturday."

What's the point? 

 

 

Did your messages come across cold at all or just normal? He's acting a bit like he's treading on eggshells, or nervous about pushing you away. Hopefully he relaxes a bit and starts being a bit more assertive.

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Did your messages come across cold at all or just normal? He's acting a bit like he's treading on eggshells, or nervous about pushing you away. Hopefully he relaxes a bit and starts being a bit more assertive.

That was my text: 

Good Morning! Thank you for the hug… ok for Saturday… have a beautiful day 😘

Is that cold? 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That was my text: 

Good Morning! Thank you for the hug… ok for Saturday… have a beautiful day 😘

Is that cold? 

 

I think this shows that you two need to stop texting for awhile. Get on the phone and have a quick call to make or confirm plans. The end.  I have a friend who is a bad texter. Constantly misreads or skips over texts or doesn’t get a joke. Not meaning she gets offended just confused. She’s too distracted. No it’s not me. Make a call. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

He's kind of acting a bit fearful like he's treading on eggshells, or nervous about pushing you away. Hopefully he relaxes and starts being a bit more assertive.

People with commitment fears and anxieties behave that way as well. I'm quite familiar with the signs.

Like he can't even commit to admitting he'd really like to see you!  He asks you out but then sort of takes it back saying it's a "proposition" and doesn't want to impose? 

That's fear and anxiety but not necessarily because of anything you've done IMO Sindy.

Your reactions are due to how HE's behaving, like a scared little boy.  Afraid to commit to moving forward, afraid to commit to moving back, so he hangs out tentatively in between and behaves as such.  You do as well Sindy on some level.

He can't even commit to admitting he really likes you, he feels by doing so you'll have "one up" on him.  He's told you that in different words. 

You BOTH have fears and anxieties and the toxicity of that is bouncing back and forth between you at this point. 

This also may be why he's never been able to commit to a long term relationship at 40 years of age and why women leave him.

This is how I see it fwiw and have from the beginning.  Dealing with people like this is frustrating as heck and it doesn't get better. 

[Sindy_0311]

@rainbowsandroses I think you are right… I sense that he is holding back, and on the same time sometimes he feels confortable so he is more pushy… and for me it’s exhausting because I don’t want to scare him away by being to interested or not enough because I do know he remembers every little thing I tell him or text him… often times he mentioned some stupide thing I said weeks ago… in this case I think I’m walking on eggshells. 

Maybe time to have a discussion about it. Instead of bringing out any commitment convo, I will ask him whether he feels comfortable in the relationship, and tell him that he has the right to tell me when he doesn’t want to do something if he doesn’t feel like to (yea because he is also a people pleaser, his words) 

38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he feels by doing so you'll have "one up" on him.  He's told you that in different words. 

What do you mean here? I don’t understand the expression “one up” 

[Sindy_0311]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think this shows that you two need to stop texting for awhile. Get on the phone and have a quick call to make or confirm plans. The end.  I have a friend who is a bad texter. Constantly misreads or skips over texts or doesn’t get a joke. Not meaning she gets offended just confused. She’s too distracted. No it’s not me. Make a call. 

It’s a good idea. Maybe next time we have to talk I will just call him…