rainbowsandroses Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: What do you mean here? I don’t understand the expression “one up” It means have the upper hand. The comment below strongly suggests that's how he feels and the fact he even mentioned this to you is a red flag. 5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: he said once to me that’s it’s always better for a man not to come to strong or show too much interest in the beginning…is this non anxious behavior? How am I supposed to respond to that? If me, assuming I'm seeking a healthy, functional relationship leading to commitment, I'd respond by nexting him. No thank you. He's one big walking red flag imo for the reasons mentioned in my previous. But you do you. Link to comment
Jaunty Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 You're both very touchy and ready to withdraw at the mere whiff of a perceived lack of interest, possible slight, anything. In a way, in your fervor to protect yourselves, you are not giving each other any space - because every nuance is a potential death blow, it's almost impossible to function normally. In a way, it makes you a bad match because you appear to be too similar in this negative way. On the other hand, you ought to be able to understand each other. This would require focussing on the other person instead of on protecting yourselves though. I'm aware that I have no personal experience with Festival Guy, and only see him through your eyes, which might include a lot of projection on your part. I don't know, but this is my take on it. 4 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 Sindy, another good book that might help you on your journey is "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Relationships." It's uncanny how those with commitment fears and anxieties are drawn to each other. Their respective behaviors can be passive or active and they can switch back and forth. I won't get into it here but if you're interested in learning about it, read the book. On a personal level, it helped me a lot especially with understanding my own at times dysfunctional reactions and behaviors.. But also his and how we interacted together. 1 Link to comment
MrMan1983 Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said: That was my text: Good Morning! Thank you for the hug… ok for Saturday… have a beautiful day 😘 Is that cold? Nope not cold at all 🤷🏼♂️ 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 14 Author Share Posted September 14 1 hour ago, Jaunty said: In a way, it makes you a bad match because you appear to be too similar in this negative way. On the other hand, you ought to be able to understand each other. This would require focussing on the other person instead of on protecting yourselves though. Maybe the best response to our respective dysfunctions is to address it. I remember once, I was at his place in the morning, and he asked want I wanted to do, and asked whether we wanted to cook diner together. And then immediately said but maybe you prefer going out a bit and not be bothered by the idea of having to stress to prepare diner etc because I know you don’t like having this kind of time restriction. Often he tries to please me before i even respond, like trying to be accommodating. Also that time when I proposed to meet my child, I sensed that he wasn’t ready yet by his response, but at the end he said sure, we can plan this for next week (I understood his reaction and never brought up the subject again) I mean he tries to please me and isn’t capable of saying no. He lets me choose everything, all the time… and always walks on eggshells when proposing a date. I think I will bring that up. But in a light hearted way… telling him that if he doesn’t want to do something, he should just tell me… and also will ask him why he didn’t want to see me during the week… it even possible that he tells me it’s because I mentioned once that for me it was not really convenient to drive to him during the week as I finish work late… the thing is he remembers every detail of what I say and maybe he makes (wrong) assumptions… idk 2 Link to comment
MrMan1983 Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Maybe the best response to our respective dysfunctions is to address it. I remember once, I was at his place in the morning, and he asked want I wanted to do, and asked whether we wanted to cook diner together. And then immediately said but maybe you prefer going out a bit and not be bothered by the idea of having to stress to prepare diner etc because I know you don’t like having this kind of time restriction. Often he tries to please me before i even respond, like trying to be accommodating. Also that time when I proposed to meet my child, I sensed that he wasn’t ready yet by his response, but at the end he said sure, we can plan this for next week (I understood his reaction and never brought up the subject again) I mean he tries to please me and isn’t capable of saying no. He lets me choose everything, all the time… and always walks on eggshells when proposing a date. I think I will bring that up. But in a light hearted way… telling him that if he doesn’t want to do something, he should just tell me… and also will ask him why he didn’t want to see me during the week… it even possible that he tells me it’s because I mentioned once that for me it was not really convenient to drive to him during the week as I finish work late… the thing is he remembers every detail of what I say and maybe he makes (wrong) assumptions… idk Both of you communicating in a more open and direct way would be a step forward 👍🏻 Got to be worth a try. He needs to chill out with the people pleasing/not having a backbone too, could see that wearing thin after a while but hopefully he relaxes more in time. Link to comment
NighttimeNightmare Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: That was my text: Good Morning! Thank you for the hug… ok for Saturday… have a beautiful day 😘 Is that cold? 7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: He proposed to meet on Saturday. I said "yes, ok for Saturday". He then said: "it's a proposition, I don't want to impose.... " I replied: "Impose what? I don't get it... " He said: "I mean for Saturday, maybe you had something planned yet..." To what I replied: " If I say ok for Saturday, it means I'm free on Saturday." What's the point? He reminds me of one of my relatives who does this stuff and it’s exhausting. She’s constantly apologizing and thinking she imposed or got in someone’s way. When people ask her to hang out she responds in same, “are you sure? I don’t want to intrude,” in a really fawnlike and sheepish manner. over time I had to stop engaging with her because it was so exhausting having to reassure someone that I meant what I said and not constantly having things I was sure of questioned due to someone else’s esteem issues you said this man has never had a solid relationship and he’s pushing 40… so it makes me wonder what sort of unhealthy dynamics he is bringing to the table right out of the gate. But it’s also relevant to note that there’s a reason you’re also engaging this and caught up in it. Your own unhealthy behavior is magnetized to his. He’s sort of avoidant in not being assertive, and it allows you to play out your narrative of needing to live on the cusp of real intimacy because of xyz reasons you get to pawn off on him 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted September 14 Share Posted September 14 55 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said: you said this man has never had a solid relationship and he’s pushing 40… so it makes me wonder what sort of unhealthy dynamics he is bringing to the table right out of the gate. But it’s also relevant to note that there’s a reason you’re also engaging this and caught up in it. Your own unhealthy behavior is magnetized to his. He’s sort of avoidant in not being assertive, and it allows you to play out your narrative of needing to live on the cusp of real intimacy because of xyz reasons you get to pawn off on him ^^My sentiments exactly. Especially the bolded since this is your thread and as such best to focus on your own reactions and behaviors. He's a big boy, let him figure himself out assuming he wants to, he may not. You focus on you and do some introspection to determine what draws you to him and this very unhealthy dynamic you've both developed. Are you fearful of true commitment and intimacy? And as such, although unhealthy this dynamic feels safe to you? You may not even be consciously aware of this, such fears are often hidden and exposed through our reactions and behaviors and the people we choose to get involved with. The book I suggested explains. If not, why are you pushing so hard to figure this/him out and "make something happen"? These early stages (first three months at least) are when we should be "observing" if the person is the right fit. We determine that through their actions. They should be doing the same with you. If not, we wish them well and move on. Like I said, the dysfunction is bouncing back and forth between you at this point. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 15 Author Share Posted September 15 18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: You focus on you and do some introspection to determine what draws you to him and this very unhealthy dynamic you've both developed. well, this post does need some introspection... 18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Are you fearful of true commitment and intimacy? And as such, although unhealthy this dynamic feels safe to you? I don't think I'm afraid of commitment. I lived with a man for 10 years and never developed such commitment/intimacy issues ... My fear resides in being sure I find the RIGHT man. I have been married for long years with someone I think I wasn't really in love with, and now I want to find my mister right and get the chance to experience real love. But I do think I am afraid or resistant to emotional vulnerability in the beginning of a relationship. But after a few month, I do open up, when I feel trust and in a safe place (based on my past experiences) 18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: If not, why are you pushing so hard to figure this/him out and "make something happen"? Because somehow I see him serious potential for many reasons, so many qualities condensed in only one guy: intelligence, humour, we have the same lifestyle, interests for arts, esthetics, He is smart and knows a lot about many things, he is interesting, and I enjoy being with him. He Is affectionate, tender, makes me feel beautiful, compliments me, sheers me up, and shows much of respect and care for me. Also have to mention that I'm really really attracted to him physically. he checks all the boxes... except for his guarded behavior sometimes. But as you said, three months to figure someone out. I don't think I'm pushing, I just try to understand how he functions and how to address the right issues if there is something we can solve through discussion. If not, then at least I will have tried...and will move on off course if it's to complicated. 18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Like I said, the dysfunction is bouncing back and forth between you at this point. We both have dysfunctions, I do know that, but also think we are two mature person, he also is and is someone who is able to have deep discussions and share his thoughts and emotions and willing to understand others. But we still have to learn more about each other, what is expected etc.... We don't know each other for so long... only 10 weeks since first meet... and 9 weeks since first kiss... it's not much. Link to comment
Jaunty Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 I do not agree that your interactions with this man are a "very unhealthy dynamic." I see it more as both of you are playing to your own weaknesses and that it might stymie progress into a place of authentic intimacy if it continues. Honestly I have not seen the guy sabotaging like you do. He seems more to be walking on eggshells and I think this might be more a reaction to things you've done than is own supposedly "avoidant" nature. You are very prone to bolting at the drop of a hat. He may have caught on by now. That said, he has no relationship experience so how is he to be expected to know how to act? You and some other people here - mostly women, for what that's worth - are very steeped in "relationship books" and all the pop psychology that goes with them. The guy is not. He's on his own. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 You're dating other men in an attempt to protect yourself emotionally and to have backups in case this guy hurts you. That is fine, but it's not conducive to building a connection with him. Putting up walls is the opposite of growing closer to someone. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 15 Author Share Posted September 15 7 minutes ago, boltnrun said: Putting up walls is the opposite of growing closer to someone. In what sense exactly am I putting walls? What more should I do? Confess all my past traumas? text him three times a day and call him every night? cook him diner? Buy him gifts? tell him I like so much him and want to meet his entire family? introduce him officialy to my son and my parents? heck, I'm spending time with him, reaching out him, give him compliments, cute names, we sleep together, we talk a lot about ourselves, share activities together, I went visit him more than once, met his friends... what more should I do?? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 You said you are dating other men in case this doesn't work out. Again, that's fine. You two are not in a committed, exclusive relationship. But you seem to want an exclusive committed relationship with him and seem to think the man is supposed to be the one to ask. You also get upset when he can't see you and don't respond to his texts and plan to say you already have plans even when you don't, in an attempt to express your displeasure. I understand you didn't actually follow through with these things which is good, but it definitely seems like you're on the defensive. You also said you have "trust issues" and that you accept this, which is also not conducive to a close relationship. And no, I never said you should do any of the things you listed. Not sure where you got that from. Link to comment
Jaunty Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: heck, I'm spending time with him, reaching out him, give him compliments, cute names, we sleep together, we talk a lot about ourselves, share activities together, I went visit him more than once, met his friends... what more should I do?? That's all good, and I don't recommend the things you listed. It's your position of defense - "one foot out the door" at all times, having backup men lined up, that type of thing, that is standing in the way of YOU being available for true intimacy. As I've said before, I don't know about this guy. What I do know is when a person is ready to cut and run at the hint of potential hurt, like you are, they are not ready to find "mister right" because they won't be prepared to go through all the ups and downs, waxing and waning that most long enduring relationships are subjected to. It's not much about your interactions with the guy, though you might inadvertently (or, subconsciously, on purpose) push him away. It's mostly about you and the walls you have around yourself that are going to prevent you from letting intimacy come in. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted September 15 Share Posted September 15 2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: I don't think I'm afraid of commitment. I lived with a man for 10 years and never developed such commitment/intimacy issues ... I have been married for long years with someone I think I wasn't really in love with... Sindy, don't mean to keep harping but please think about the above two comments. They don't jive. I mean the fact you got married and remained married to a man for 10 years whom you were not in love with would suggest there are commitment and intimacy issues. Marriage alone (even when there's no cheating) does not a commitment make if that marriage doesn't include commitment from your heart (love). Which is what true commitment and intimacy are about. That and allowing yourself to be vulnerable (i.e risk getting hurt). And not running away which includes dating other men and building emotional walls which creates emotional distance between you and the man you truly wish to create an intimate bond with. Again, just something to think about. 3 Link to comment
poorlittlefish Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 On 9/10/2023 at 9:57 PM, shouldhavelearned said: Why can't you just ask him? This is what I was thinking. The talk about exclusivity can be started by either party. If that's what the OP wants, there's nothing stopping her from asking the question. 2 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 20 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: In what sense exactly am I putting walls? You're not putting up walls, you're just playing games when you're frustrated he can't accommodate your custody schedule and see you on work nights. If anything you could have better boundaries especially when it comes to meeting your child. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You're not putting up walls, you're just playing games when you're frustrated he can't accommodate your custody schedule and see you on work nights. If anything you could have better boundaries especially when it comes to meeting your child. ok ok... I will try to be more authentic... we are going out tonight, so I will see whether we will be able to have a discussion, if were are able to open up to each other... I will keep you posted. PS; the italian guy, the lovebomber, is still texting me, its been three times for the last two weeks, I didn't respond to any of his texts... Poor guy seems hungry... 😆 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 Just now, Sindy_0311 said: PS; the italian guy, the lovebomber, is still texting me, its been three times for the last two weeks, I didn't respond to any of his texts... Poor guy seems hungry... 😆 You could easily put a stop to this by blocking him. Unless you like the attention? Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said: This is what I was thinking. The talk about exclusivity can be started by either party. If that's what the OP wants, there's nothing stopping her from asking the question. I will try to ask tonight... don't worry about that. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 3 minutes ago, boltnrun said: You could easily put a stop to this by blocking him. Unless you like the attention? I'm just curious about it... Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 24 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I'm just curious about it... It seems obvious to me. He desires what he can't have. Once he gets it, he will distance again. Basically he's yet another emotionally unavailable person you have attracted into your orbit - like attracts like after all. Which is why you won’t block imo whether you're consciously aware of that or not. Not a judgment, as I said I've been there too, and learned from it Good luck tonight. Keep us posted. 😀 1 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 42 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I'm just curious about it... If Festival Guy agrees to be in a committed relationship with you, will you block Hungry Italian Guy? Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted September 16 Author Share Posted September 16 1 hour ago, boltnrun said: If Festival Guy agrees to be in a committed relationship with you, will you block Hungry Italian Guy? I guess so… Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 16 Share Posted September 16 50 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I guess so… That comes across as reluctant. How would you feel about Festival Guy receiving texts from a "hungry" woman who wants him after you two agree to be committed to one another? 1 Link to comment
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