Is this a commitment text?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just one more thing. I think this exclusive talk thing is something that you relate to in the USA. But I never had a guy asking for exclusivity here… we were either a couple or we were not (yet)

Meaning, we date each other for a while and then decide to make it official by presenting our SO to family etc… 

even my friends don’t get this exclusivity concept… how can you be exclusive with someone you aren’t official with… might be a cultural difference after all… 

Might be - but if you're comfortable enough to have him inside your body and all the rest why not -if you want to be with him -ask him what his intentions are towards you and you two as a couple and whether he sees serious potential -ask in person.

I always kept actively meeting people until the talk -forced myself to since I wanted a husband and opportunity to try for a baby biologically and I was not getting younger -for me the difference was I waited to have sex until we were exclusive and in love and with serious future potential so I in my mind was not giving "all" of myself (maybe emotionally but I didn't give that level of attachment or potential unless it was serious)-I know and respect that you and I, OP, see sexual intercourse differently!  I also knew that really early on I might be infatuated, etc so I kept my feet on the ground-feet moving to meet others.

If you are still shopping I wouldn't raise the talk (or feel like shopping around).

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just one more thing. I think this exclusive talk thing is something that you relate to in the USA. But I never had a guy asking for exclusivity here… we were either a couple or we were not (yet)

Meaning, we date each other for a while and then decide to make it official by presenting our SO to family etc… 

even my friends don’t get this exclusivity concept… how can you be exclusive with someone you aren’t official with… might be a cultural difference after all… 

It doesn't seem like a cultural thing. What's odd is you want to be a couple fast forward the relationship with meeting your child too soon and at the same time you want to keep your options open and browse dating apps. Maybe it's semantics as far as "exclusive", "a couple"  or whatever .

It's not a cultural thing that you cease shopping and browsing for men and dates while focusing on someone you are otherwise fast forwarding a relationship with. Why can't you focus on one man at a time? If it doesn't work out you can always go back to the apps then. 

Unfortunately it's seems more like a power struggle and insecurity issue than any semantics or cultural concept of "exclusive". You seem to want a lot of reassurance and validation from him, while sort of overprotecting yourself from being without a man  for a few moments and keeping a backup plan at all times. 

[Sindy_0311]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to want a lot of reassurance and validation from him, while sort of overprotecting yourself from being without a man  for a few moments and keeping a backup plan at all times. 

Because being single sucks 😅

[MrMan1983]

14 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IDK, I just think it's weird that a man pushing 40 has never had a LTR

I'm 40 and I've never had a proper long term relationship, I simply have not met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with yet (or they have not seen me that way) plus it's simply never quite 'clicked' in that way, along with a healthy dose of bad luck and certainly a lot of learning from mistakes. I'm very conscious of it being a red flag to women though at my age yet I'm ready to settle down with the right one and I'm confident I can be a great BF to someone one day. I certainly wouldn't be too hard on this guy for it never working quite yet, maybe he's in a similar boat. 

[waffle]

51 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Because being single sucks 😅

Then you're not doing it right.

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I certainly wouldn't be too hard on this guy for it never working quite yet, maybe he's in a similar boat. 

I agree with you which is why I suggested she take things one day at a time and not pressure for commitment by having a "relationship talk" or "exclusivity talk."  

And to be secure enough within herself to allow things to develop naturally and organically.  And to trust her own instincts snd intuition.

I'm.curious @MrMan1983being a man similar to Sindy's guy, never having a LTR, do you have thoughts as to how Sindy should proceed after two months of dating him?

Should she have that "talk"?  How did you feel when women you were dating initiated that talk?  Did you feel pushed or  pressured?  At two months in?

I think your insight would be valuable given you're in the same or similar boat as Sindy's guy, 40 and never committing to a LTR?

Also curious to know what was the longest relationship you've ever had and what was the turning point for you that caused you to not want to go further? 

[MrMan1983]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Should she have that "talk"?  How did you feel when women you were dating initiated that talk?  Did you feel pushed or  pressured?  Dating two months.

If I really liked them and wanted it to progress I would be over the moon it being brought up by the women instead of me after previous bad experiences, I've found often (in my earlier dating years) women don't respond well to 'the talk' so I let things happen organically nowadays unless they bring it up which I like.

If however I'm 50/50 or not that keen it wouldn't change my feelings or scare me but I would be honest to her with how I'm feeling, but it wouldn't of changed how I feel in a negative or positive fashion.

He's not me though, so who knows. Sounds like he's hinting though that he would like to be exclusive, he's probably aware of the conundrum of women having 1000000 date options on dating apps but doesn't want to come across too full on or like a keeno which scares a lot of women off.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

If I really liked them and wanted it to progress I would be over the moon it being brought up by the women instead of me after previous bad experiences, I've found often (in my earlier dating years) women don't respond well to 'the talk' so I let things happen organically nowadays unless they bring it up which I like.

If however I'm 50/50 or not that keen it wouldn't change my feelings or scare me but I would be honest to her with how I'm feeling, but it wouldn't of changed how I feel in a negative or positive fashion.

He's not me though, so who knows. Sounds like he's hinting though that he would like to be exclusive, he's probably aware of the conundrum of women having 1000000 date options on dating apps but doesn't want to come across too full on or like a keeno which scares a lot of women off.

Great response. Thank you!  I just learned something myself.  

[Sindy_0311]

41 minutes ago, waffle said:

Then you're not doing it right.

I don’t think so. But thanks for developing… 

[Sindy_0311]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Great response. Thank you!  I just learned something myself.  

Thank you for asking. I think I will stick to my inner deadline, which is 3 month. Just leave it at that for the moment, enjoy his company and see whether he is willing to have some kind of talk. If not, I will address it. Meanwhile I still date other guys. 

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Meanwhile I still date other guys. 

Sindy, I'm a "one-at-a-time" dater.   Not a commitment, only to see where it will lead. A week, a month, a year, forever, who knows!  If it doesn't work out, I continue my search.

No wrong or right, it's just how I've always done it.

This is not a judgment but I've always been curious about multi-dating other men, while being interested in and dating (and having sex with) a man I really liked.  Like you're doing.

How do you handle it when they want to escalate physically?  Kissing, and eventually sex?

On my recent thread, you suggested I continue dating the man a few more times, even though I felt nothing on our last date and when he kissed me.

I can't speak for you and others but putting aside that I would be totally misleading him if I continued dating him, why would I want to subject myself to his physical advances given the fact I lost my romantic attraction?

Unless I'm really into a man and there's mutual chemistry, personally I find their physical advances annoying.  

So my question is, how do you handle that on your dates with other men?

I've always been curious about that.

 

 

 

[MrMan1983]

24 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Thank you for asking. I think I will stick to my inner deadline, which is 3 month. Just leave it at that for the moment, enjoy his company and see whether he is willing to have some kind of talk. If not, I will address it. Meanwhile I still date other guys. 

Why 3 months out of interest? Will it be different asking then instead of just asking now if he sees it going somewhere? Then can act accordingly as to whether you both date others or not. He sounds pretty keen from what you've described though especially the strong hint in the first post you wrote. He's probably treading carefully, he knows you're unpredictable 😂

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Because being single sucks 

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, I'm a "one-at-a-time" dater.   Not a commitment, only to see where it will lead. A week, a month, a year, forever, who knows!  If it doesn't work out, I continue my search.

No wrong or right, it's just how I've always done it.

This is not a judgment but I've always been curious about multi-dating other men, while being interested and dating a man I really liked.  Like you're doing.

How do you handle it when they want to escalate physically?  Kissing, and eventually sex?

On my recent thread, you suggested I continue dating the man a few more times, even though I felt nothing on our last date when he kissed me.

I can't speak for you and others but putting aside that I would be totally misleading him if I continued dating him, why would I want to subject myself to his physical advances given the fact I lost my romantic attraction?

Unless I'm really into a man and there's mutual chemistry, personally I find their physical advances annoying.  

So my question is, how do you handle that on your dates with other men?

I've always been curious about that.

 

 

 

I’ll answer for me. I felt I didn’t have the luxury of one at a time because of my ultimate goals.  Had I done so I wouldn’t be married now. I’d started dating someone when my husband and I first reconnected.  I personally was fine making out with more than one guy at a time.  I didn’t have casual sex.  I did have one period of time in my late 30s when my ex and I were potentially getting back together and having sex. We each were dating others and were sexually monogamous. I quickly realized it was a really bad idea.  
I guess technically it was casual sex although we were in love and headed to getting back together. We did get back together officially for a few months. This was a 7 year on and off relationship. 

I didn’t date anyone where I knew they were having casual sex with other people. That I knew of. I didn’t ask.  Typically I became exclusive within a few months. Typically we waited months longer to have intercourse.  I only had to ask for exclusivity one time. And it was conditioned on sex. This was a mistake I regret.  For me. Not for anyone else !

[Leighya]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, I'm a "one-at-a-time" dater.   Not a commitment, only to see where it will lead. A week, a month, a year, forever, who knows!  If it doesn't work out, I continue my search.

No wrong or right, it's just how I've always done it.

This is not a judgment but I've always been curious about multi-dating other men, while being interested in and dating (and having sex with) a man I really liked.  Like you're doing.

How do you handle it when they want to escalate physically?  Kissing, and eventually sex?

On my recent thread, you suggested I continue dating the man a few more times, even though I felt nothing on our last date and when he kissed me.

I can't speak for you and others but putting aside that I would be totally misleading him if I continued dating him, why would I want to subject myself to his physical advances given the fact I lost my romantic attraction?

Unless I'm really into a man and there's mutual chemistry, personally I find their physical advances annoying.  

So my question is, how do you handle that on your dates with other men?

I've always been curious about that.

 

 

 

You've previously mentioned that you dated multiple people while you were dating your ex-husband. It's okay if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, but that comment is misleading and may be confusing for people who are reading about your story.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I personally was fine making out with more than one guy at a time.

This is where you and I differ but fair enough.  

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn’t date anyone where I knew they were having casual sex with other people.

That's also fair however Sindy IS having sex with another man she really likes

And anorher question for Sindy if she doesn't mind but how would you feel if HE were dating other women while dating and having sex with you?

Apologies for all the questions but (1) Sindy's situation is fascinating to me and (2) I'm out there dating again and using this thread as an opportunity to learn different approaches and dating styles. 😀 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Leighya said:

You've previously mentioned that you dated multiple people while you were dating your ex-husband.

Perhaps something got lost in translation but that can't be right because I never did.  Until we became officially exclusive, we both had the option to date others but I chose not to. 

 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I’m not playing games… I’m just being cautious and don’t want to loose my time. I will give him exclusivity if he asks for it… I don’t want to ask for it, I want HIM to do it… Part of the reason is because I don’t want a relationship with a man who could say : I’m with this girl because she likes me… 

makes sense, no? 

Not to me. 

How is it "losing your time" to focus your dating attention and energy on the person that you like, with whom you are interested in having a relationship?   

Staying on the app and engaging with different men is  wasting time, IMO.

But, clearly you are not really interested in this man, as he actually is.   

From everything you've said, he's "different."  Has not had a serious relationship, appears to be shy and self protective (like you are)  etc.  You are wanting this man to behave in a completely traditional, textbook "steps of dating" type of way. 

Well, that is not THIS man.  

He will need to be with a woman who is accepting of him as he is, if he's ever going to be in a long term relationship.  Who knows whether he has that in his future or not.

You seem like you'll only be comfortable if a man jumps through very specific hoops.

Sadly, IMO, you might be passing up a man (or various men) who would be most suitable for your real personality.  I understand from your posts that you've been through a lot in your life.  A "different" type of man might be the best fit for you, on the deepest level.  But you'd need to be open to vulnerability and accepting a divergent path from the one you are requiring. 

 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So my question is, how do you handle that on your dates with other men?

I guess I’m comfortable being physical with multiple men because I have been dating casually during month after my divorce. Oftentimes with 3 or 4 men during the same period of time. If I’m attracted to a guy, I have no difficulty being intimate… doesn’t mean I have an emotional connection with these men, which is what I’m looking for now…  I guess I’m functioning a bit like a man in that regard 🤷‍♀️

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Why 3 months out of interest? Will it be different asking then instead of just asking now if he sees it going somewhere? Then can act accordingly as to whether you both date others or not. He sounds pretty keen from what you've described though especially the strong hint in the first post you wrote. He's probably treading carefully, he knows you're unpredictable 😂

3 month is the time I need to figure someone out, generally speaking, and decide whether I want to pursue or not. It’s also after 3 month that guys ask to meet my son… happened twice since my divorce, and I preferred ending it as I wasn’t completely in… I don’t know, it’s just my pace… 

thank you for pointing out that I’m unpredictable… but this is just a little aspect of your dating story. I mean last times we were together were really great. I’m also a kind, gentle and passionate person… I’m not a freak of nature 😂

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Not to me. 

How is it "losing your time" to focus your dating attention and energy on the person that you like, with whom you are interested in having a relationship?   

Staying on the app and engaging with different men is  wasting time, IMO.

But, clearly you are not really interested in this man, as he actually is.   

From everything you've said, he's "different."  Has not had a serious relationship, appears to be shy and self protective (like you are)  etc.  You are wanting this man to behave in a completely traditional, textbook "steps of dating" type of way. 

Well, that is not THIS man.  

He will need to be with a woman who is accepting of him as he is, if he's ever going to be in a long term relationship.  Who knows whether he has that in his future or not.

You seem like you'll only be comfortable if a man jumps through very specific hoops.

Sadly, IMO, you might be passing up a man (or various men) who would be most suitable for your real personality.  I understand from your posts that you've been through a lot in your life.  A "different" type of man might be the best fit for you, on the deepest level.  But you'd need to be open to vulnerability and accepting a divergent path from the one you are requiring. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this post! Many interesting things you said that I need to process… I will reflect on that. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And anorher question for Sindy if she doesn't mind but how would you feel if HE were dating other women while dating and having sex with you?

Most men I have been dating do that… completely fine for me, as we weren’t exclusive… 

would he do it, (and maybe he will) it’s ok as long as we didn’t conveyed to be exclusive. His profile is still on the dating app, no changes, but he didn’t delete it, so I assume he is keeping his options open. Which is ok sofar… 

[Batya33]

Just to add- I'd refrain from joking -especially via text -as to whether he's checking out other women, etc. given your situation/circumstances.

[greendots]

Quite frankly, you cannot assume that because he is hinting at only dating you that he is actually only wanting to be with you in a committed relationship and only you. Every man is different. Some are similar, but not all. Doesn't matter what culture they are from.

Being straightforward about these things, is always best in my opinion.

If you want exclusivity, being official or whatever you want to label it as, and the man you are seeing isn't being loud and clear, why not talk to him about it.

By the way you cannot expect him to delete his dating profiles when you haven't done so either.

TL/DR -  Talk to him in person about how you feel.

[boltnrun]

Adhering to stringent expectations such as "the MAN should ask to be exclusive" will limit your ability to get what you say you want. Of course that is absolutely your right, but I personally would find it restrictive. 

As they say, if that's the hill you choose to die on!

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You seem like you'll only be comfortable if a man jumps through very specific hoops.

Very true… we had a text exchange today. Basically he said that he brought up our last date and that now it was my turn. So I said I’m free tomorrow if you want to meet. He then said that its complicated because he now works further away and in the morning there is to much traffic( which is true btw) that he preferred wait until the weekend to see each other. My first reaction was to think, well he is not really in a hurry to see me. (We didn’t see each other last week because I was with the kid) He neither invited me to his place… he mentioned him doing his laundry on Wednesday evening and having a after work on Thursday. He isn’t trying to make any ajustements for us to be able to see each other… and frankly at this point it bothers me…

PS: I had a great first date tonight with another guy 😂