Is this a commitment text?

[Sindy_0311]

Ok, Sunday night… you might have some time for one quick question… i had a text exchange this morning with this guy I have been dating for more than two month. (For the ones who know me, it’s the festival guy) He told me he went to a party last night, many old people, and I told him joking didn’t you brought one of these old ladies home… this was his response to my text: 

“Hahahaha No no!! No one!! I have what I need… it seems to me!!! No!?! This should be your last concern… “

I also noticed sometimes he mentions he doesn’t want to share me with others or stuff like that… so my question is: is this his way of telling me he is committed to me? Should I bring up the subject. I didn’t until now because I don’t want to rush things… and I don’t want to push him… insights?

(For the context, I couldn’t see him this week because I was with my son, but he texts me everyday, checks on me, long texts, heart emojis etc…) what do you think? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

It sounds like he isn’t being completely direct about it but is casually laying those things out so you have the chance to ‘casually’ return the commentary with, “haha yes you do have what you need!” Then he has his answer the easy way as opposed to actually having a sit-down convo about it. 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

It sounds like he isn’t being completely direct about it but is casually laying those things out so you have the chance to ‘casually’ return the commentary with, “haha yes you do have what you need!” Then he has his answer the easy way as opposed to actually having a sit-down convo about it. 

Well I just answered to his question, I said: yes you do… 

But is this enough to assume that we are both being exclusive?? Doesn’t this usually requires a convo as you say? 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 But is this enough to assume that we are both being exclusive?

It seems to be going well and he seems to care about you. Do you want to be exclusive? He doesn't seem to be running around with others, so next time you see him in person, why not mention that you're not talking to or seeing others (if you are not) and ask if he feels the same. 

However if you would like to keep your options open, it may not be time to have that type of conversation.  Try to have confidence in yourself and trust in situations.  

[Sindy_0311]

I think somehow I’m already exclusive… I’m still on the dating app, exchanging with men but didn’t met any of them for the last 3 weeks, and really I don’t feel like to. But im afraid to bring up the subject. Because I also sense some resistance from his part. Might be because he never had a long term relationship or because he got rejected from his last one… I don’t know… I want this to come from him. If he told me he wants me, I would be completely in. I really like him much, he is so amazing. But I don’t know how to do this… 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

… I’m still on the dating app, exchanging with men but didn’t met any of them for the last 3 weeks, 

That's fine. If you want to keep your options open, be prepared for him to have the freedom to do the same. 

Perhaps since you don't feel all-in , you two could discuss a sexually exclusive FWB arrangement as far as neither of you sleeping with others?.

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine. If you want to keep your options open, be prepared for him to have the freedom to do the same. 

Perhaps since you don't feel all-in , you two could discuss a sexually exclusive FWB arrangement as far as neither of you sleeping with others?.

Heck!!! I don’t want FWB 😂

i don’t get it… I want something serious… why you think I (or he) wants FWB? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

… I want something serious… why you think I (or he) wants FWB? 

Because you're still on dating apps just in case. Unfortunately it seems like you would like reassurance that he's not seeing anyone with the freedom to browse dating apps. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because you're still on dating apps just in case. Unfortunately it seems like you would like reassurance that he's not seeing anyone with the freedom to browse dating apps. 

I am on the app until a guy asks for exclusivity. Which he didn’t sofar… right? 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I am on the app until a guy asks for exclusivity. Which he didn’t sofar… right? 

Either way, the text was definitely positive and hopefully reassuring that things are moving in the direction you want. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

But is this enough to assume that we are both being exclusive??  Doesn’t this usually requires a convo as you say? 

No not always. Sometimes it's implied by virtue of how often you spend time together and your connection.  You just sort of know.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to have confidence in yourself and trust in situations.  

This^^!

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Because I also sense some resistance from his part. Might be because he never had a long term relationship...

Sindy, how old is he?  I'm assuming in his 40s?  

If so, this is a huge red flag imo and experience.  It suggests he may be relationship/commitment averse or worse a "commitmentphobe."   Please proceed with awareness and caution.  Follow and trust your instincts and intuition.

If I were to render a guess based on his no long term relationship history, he's quite enthralled with you now precisely because you're NOT pushing or pressuring him for exclusivity, you're allowing things to unfold naturally and organically one day at a time.

He may not be dating others BUT he still has the freedom to do so if he wants.  It's a mental thing and I've dated men like this.  One of my brothers (40s) is like this.

Of course I'm speculating but has he given you a reason why he's never (at his age) had a long term relationship?   This would really get my spiny senses jumping but you do you.  

Have faith and trust in yourself and you'll be fine, good luck!  

[Sindy_0311]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No not always. Sometimes it's implied by virtue of how often you spend time together and your connection.  You just sort of know.

This^^!

Sindy, how old is he?  I'm assuming in his 40s?  

If so, this is a huge red flag imo and experience.  It suggests he may be relationship/commitment averse or worse a "commitmentphobe."   Please proceed with awareness and caution.  Follow and trust your instincts and intuition.

If I were to render a guess based on his no long term relationship history, he's quite enthralled with you now precisely because you're NOT pushing or pressuring him for exclusivity, you're allowing things to unfold naturally and organically one day at a time.

Of course I'm speculating but has he given you a reason why he's never (at his age) had a long term relationship?   This would really get my spiny senses jumping but you do you.  

Have faith and trust in yourself and you'll be fine, good luck!  

He will turn 40. Essentially he said that he never find a girl willing to stay with him and that he is bad is seducing or pursuing women. He also said that while his friends were trying to pick up girls, he wasn’t interested by it. He never had one night stand (his words) 

So you think I should pressure him? 

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So you think I should pressure him? 

Goodness gracious, NO!  Where did you get that from my post?  

Keep doing what you're doing, I mean why change what's working?

Have faith and trust in yourself, in him and your connection.  Let it all unfold slowly, naturally, organically.

No pushing, prodding or pressuring.  No "where is this going?" or "what are we? " type talks seeking reassurance/validation.

I know many women who disagree with this and believe you should "talk" about the relationship, where it's going, what it means, etc, to protect themselves and for reassurance.

I never believed in that and always trusted my own instincts and intuition.

Eventually we will talk about it but the conversation happens organically.

This has always been how I've done things and virtually every man I have dated for an expended period has wanted an exclusive relationship with me and THEY brought it up.  Good guys, players, commitmentphobes, you name it. 

JMO.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Why can't you just ask him?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I also noticed sometimes he mentions he doesn’t want to share me with others or stuff like that… so my question is: is this his way of telling me he is committed to me?

No. Possesivness is not a sign that he wants commitment. Just means that he is possesive and doesnt want to share you, doesnt mean he doesnt want to go around and be commited to you.

I still dunno why it is a problem to actually talk about it. If you want commitment, then say that to him and see what he says. You would know is it something he wants or he just wants to continue to hookup indefinitely.

[Cherylyn]

Instead of guessing and trying to read his mind,  have a conversation with him.  Make sure your communication is very clear with him preferably verbally in person which is the best.  Electronic correspondence gets lost in translation.  🫢

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I am on the app until a guy asks for exclusivity. Which he didn’t sofar… right? 

Why would he want to be exclusive when he sees you browsing dating apps? Try not to create no-win situations and stand-offs for yourself. 

[Andrina]

You're thinking too much about scaring him away. If he can be scared away at you suggesting focusing solely on one another and see how it goes, then let him be scared away.

If you'd be upset with him boinking other women while also boinking you, then you should ask for what you want--exclusivity. Either he will want to do that, or he won't.

The secret is to date people who share your dating style. There are no rights or wrongs, but if you don't share the same dating style, it's misery. I was never comfortable with multi-dating after it got to the point where a guy and I were getting close to being intimate. I would broach the subject, and if he were the type to say, "It takes me a really long time to become exclusive with someone, and I do multi-date." Then he wouldn't be my match. That happened on at least one occasion and I walked away.

IMO, exclusivity after a few months isn't some super-serious forever sort of situation, because you've barely scratched the surface of who a person is. To me it meant focusing solely on one another without the interference of dating others. And if it ended two days later, that was okay. I just didn't want to be making out with Joe and then the next night, he'd be on a date with Stacy, making out with her. 

Isn't it better to be driving the train of your life instead of being a passive passenger, giving up control to someone else? You're in charge, so act like it.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Essentially he said that he never find a girl willing to stay with him and that he is bad is seducing or pursuing women.

Bolded, did you ask him why?  Is it because they eventually wanted more and he couldn't commit?  He was unable to pursue a woman properly, unable to pursue a relationship?  Pursue being his word. 

IDK, I just think it's weird that a man pushing 40 has never had a LTR and I think it's a mistake to ignore that but then proceed with having a "relationship talk" that more than likely will make him feel pushed and pressured and NOT want to commit.

With a man as skittish as him, let it be HIS decision and just continue doing what you're doing which seems to be working beautifully!  From what I've read anyway. 

I mean, what's the rush?  It's only been two months, right?  Can you enjoy your relationship for what it is, nothing more and nothing less?  For now?

IF he were a man who's had LTRs and able to commit I'd suggest asking and talking about it, seeking the reassurance you need. 

But he's not that man and assuming you really like him and want what you have to evolve, again let it happen naturally and organically.

Again, JMO.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Heck!!! I don’t want FWB 😂

i don’t get it… I want something serious… why you think I (or he) wants FWB? 

I don't think you want that either.  I think his texts are cute and coy.  I would never assume from what he typed especially in the context it was raised that he wants to be in an exclusive committed relationship with you and close off all options without a talk face to face - since you're still shopping I don't see the rush in having that talk.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I told him joking didn’t you brought one of these old ladies home… 

“Hahahaha No no!! No one!! I have what I need… it seems to me!!! No!?! This should be your last concern… “

You seemed to be looking for reassurance or validation with that joking text and he replied accordingly.

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I am on the app until a guy asks for exclusivity. Which he didn’t sofar… right? 

IMO you are "playing" it in order to protect yourself from vulnerability, rather than  being completely authentic and true to YOURSELF.

Why does the guy have to ask for exclusivity, if you want exclusivity?   Why wouldn't you stop engaging with other men on a dating app if you want exclusivity with this man that you're dating?  Why not just stop playing games?  

I am certainly projecting, but if I am very interested in someone, I am not going to be spending time and energy on anyone else.  I have nothing to give to random others.  So I historically have removed myself from dating and hid my profile on an app when I recognized that someone was very likely who I wanted - whether or not they had told me that they were feeling the same way about me.

Yes, there is indeed SOME risk, but it's not a dreadful risk.  Perhaps the other person doesn't feel the same way that you or I do, at that stage.  You, or I, would find that out quite quickly.

If you hid your profile and told this man that you did so, and that you're not actively engaging with others, yes; he might get cold feet and dump you.  Ok. So he was not the right man for you then. And you found out. 

Then, that's the time to get back on the app. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IDK, I just think it's weird that a man pushing 40 has never had a LTR and I think it's a mistake to ignore that but then proceed with having a "relationship talk" that more than likely will make him feel pushed and pressured and NOT want to commit.

This is also what I think. I have shown much of interest until now, and also told him that I like it when men take the lead. In the beginning he has been explaining to me that he usually never does as he is afraid of rejection. I think he has many insecurities. He tried to step up his game sometimes, making me notice that he was taking the lead. So i assume it’s on his part now to make things escalate if he wants to. I’m not sure he even gets the “exclusivity talk” thing. For him it’s becoming official that counts. I guess. My intuition is that he dates exclusively from the start. But I could be wrong… I think he knows I like him, I even offered him a gift when he started his new job, some energetic stones, we were passing in front of that store one day and he mentioned he believed in this stuff, so I got him some the week after. he was happy. 

for the context he has been living with his parents until 5 years ago, now they left in Portugal. He has some internal issues like abandonment fears. Also explained that he never was into dating girls when he was younger. He liked to hang out with his friends but wasn’t like them trying to catch girls, he was not interested and never got one night stands(his words) His last relationship was 3 years ago with a girl who dumped him after 3 month because he was to affectionate(also his words) he told me he got very affected because he was very into her.  I remember when I suggested a unofficial meet with my son(which was to soon from my part) he told me: and what will happen if you don’t want to see my face again in three month…  

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Why does the guy have to ask for exclusivity, if you want exclusivity?   Why wouldn't you stop engaging with other men on a dating app if you want exclusivity with this man that you're dating?  Why not just stop playing games?  

I’m not playing games… I’m just being cautious and don’t want to loose my time. I will give him exclusivity if he asks for it… I don’t want to ask for it, I want HIM to do it… Part of the reason is because I don’t want a relationship with a man who could say : I’m with this girl because she likes me… 

makes sense, no? 

[Sindy_0311]

Just one more thing. I think this exclusive talk thing is something that you relate to in the USA. But I never had a guy asking for exclusivity here… we were either a couple or we were not (yet)

Meaning, we date each other for a while and then decide to make it official by presenting our SO to family etc… 

even my friends don’t get this exclusivity concept… how can you be exclusive with someone you aren’t official with… might be a cultural difference after all… 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just one more thing. I think this exclusive talk thing is something that you relate to in the USA. But I never had a guy asking for exclusivity here… we were either a couple or we were not (yet)

 

Here also. But I think you owe it to yourself to know whether he plans to just fool around or are you in a relationship. So you could plan acordingly and not guess whether you are or arent. For example, if you are, then yes, dating apps and dating others wouldnt be OK.